New Year

I wonder what 2013 will be like. I can't believe that this time last year, I was mourning Jack while beginning my pregnancy with Samantha. I can't believe that this time last year, Sean and I spread our son's ashes in a lake. Our son. Our poor son who was taken from us way too soon. I wish so badly that he was here. I wish he was spending the time with us instead of us having to visit his resting place. I wish I could be carrying him instead of wearing him around my neck. The pain is not going away even after this year...
I can only hope that 2013 will be kind to Sean, Samantha, and me. No more deaths. No more traumatic experiences. No more added sadness. I just want 2013 to bring us happiness. Or at least stability.

Happy New Year...

Morbid Feelings

As a mother who has dealt with a loss, I have the constant fear. I get those feelings that I will wake up one morning and realize that Samantha is not making any noise and I will find her dead. Even when she is sleeping near me, I check to see if she is breathing. Then I actually imagine something happening. I actually imagine what would happen and what our life would be like. Sure, I should be happy and try to just cherish my moments and memories with her. And I AM happy and I AM cherishing every second I have with her, but I feel like I should expect the worst. Call me crazy and morbid, but I can't help it.

Wigilia

Today is Christmas Eve. We will be going to dinner at my family's house. My father will be missing. For the past few years, I told Sean: "This could be my last Christmas with Papa" and last year when I said it, I was right. I just wish I cherished it a bit more. I'm sad that he is not here to spend it with us. I am sad that he is not here to see Samantha spend her first Christmas with family. It makes me cry....I am feeling heart ache wishing that he was here. It reminds me of the heart ache I felt when I would close my eyes and wish SO hard that Jack was still with us. But then, I'd open my eyes and realize it would never happen. I know it was time for my father to leave us; I just really wish he could have spent some more time with Sam.
I'm trying so hard to just be happy. I told Sean today that people around me are dying and it is just not worth focusing on the non-important stuff. It's just so hard for me to happy when the people I love are leaving me.

Anxious

The anxiety levels are high again. Things get to me easily, I worry a lot, I get stressed, and my mind goes nuts. I'm so much more sensitive since losing Jack. I can't handle things as easily. I can't brush things off and think that everything will work out. That used to be so easy for me. Now stress is a daily thing for me. I try to keep telling myself that I can't spend my days like this because it's not healthy and I need to focus on the positive. But then as I lay down, or as I'm driving, my mind just goes back to the worries. Life is short. We lose people too soon. I need to spend moments cherishing these people and things. Keep reminding me....

Christmas

This Christmas season is very bittersweet for me. I am looking forward to spending it with Samantha. I can't wait to celebrate her first Christmas, her first time opening presents, her first time wearing a Christmas dress, her first time taking part in our family's traditions. But then it's another Christmas without Jack. It's another Christmas that I will be missing my son. It's another Christmas that I don't get to buy him presents and dress him up. It's another Christmas that Jack will be forgotten by friends and family because he's not here. And now it's my first Christmas without my father. He will be missing from the family table. His seat at our Polish Wigilia will be empty. My mother will not have him by her side. And even sadder, she won't even realize it. Do I wish I could just skip Christmas? Sure. But it's Samantha's first Christmas and I hope that amazing feeling will outweigh all the rest. I just wish her brother and grandfather would be here to celebrate it with her.

Jacks and Boys

People announcing their pregnancies don't feel like daggers anymore. Sure, it still hurts because I wish I could be so naive and happy. I wish I could have had a smooth pregnancy with Jack and had my baby boy and not worried like everyone else. I wish that I could have been pregnant with Samantha and I could have not freaked out everyday wondering if she was still moving inside. But I'm happy for people. There are a lot of people announcing their pregnancies with boys. I think it will always hurt a little. I just wish I could have had my boy. And just being around baby boys (which is everyday now) always makes me think of my Jack. Sadly, it's just something I'll never get over. I can only hope it will get easier with time.

One of the boys killed in Connecticut is named Jack. They brought him up a lot in the news today and yesterday because he was one of the first to have a funeral. Those parents will not be able to be normal every time they hear the name Jack. Those parents will feel a little stab in their heart every time they hear that name. Those parents will wish their baby boy Jack was still alive and they could watch him grow. I know this because I feel the same way.

Tragedy

The tragic event that happened in Connecticut is something that not many people can compare anything to. I could not imagine what the parents of the children who died have gone through. As soon as I heard the news, all I could do was hold Samantha closer and give her twice as many kisses, and honestly, just cry. I am not one to be affected easily by things in the news or in movies. Maybe because it doesn't hit close to home. However, this event has really hurt me and put pain in my heart. Maybe because innocent children were the victims. Maybe because I'm a mother now. And maybe because I am a mother who has lost a son. I know my loss does not compare, but it is still a loss. I did not get to know Jack and that is something I am somewhat grateful for. It would have been 100 times harder if I knew what he was like, if I got to hold his hand, if I saw him breathe, if I saw him with eyes open. I grieve for those parents because I know how hard their Christmas will be. I grieve for those parents because they will never get a future with their children. I grieve for those parents because they won't be able to watch their little ones grow up. I grieve for those parents because the loss of a child is something NO ONE should have to face.
Again, after such a tragedy, I realize how short life is. I realize we need to be grateful for our children and families. We need to realize that family is important and we should not take advantage of them. Be happy that you have a father that is there to love you and teach you and help you when you need him. Be happy that you have a mother you can turn to for advice and for support. My sister and I have had our issues to say the least, but when it comes down to it, she has been there for me through thick and thin and I know I could always turn to her for whatever I need. I may not have my parents anymore, but I know I have her. Show your children the love and attention they deserve. Spend the days with them outside and do things with them that will make memories. Don't just sit them in front of a tv and waste away the time that you can be spending with them. Your spouse is your best friend. Count on them for that. Losing Jack was the worst moment of our lives, but without each other, Sean and I would not have made it. We have our ups and downs. What couples don't? Have we had more downs? Maybe. But I love him. I am IN love with him and he is my rock. Without him, I honestly would not be alive today. We need to be grateful for the friends we have and not sweat the small stuff. There are people in all our lives that are very important and that would do anything for us. I have learned that I have the most amazing friends and that is something I am so proud of and grateful for. I don't think it's worth our time to hold grudges. It's not worth bickering over the small things. Just remember that those people were the people that were there for you and you will need them again. Be grateful for the people in your life. Be grateful that you are alive. Be grateful that you have not lost a loved one too soon. Because you just never know....

Children

When I hear people (especially people we personally know) have children that are sick or that end up having birth defects, I get scared. Yes, of course, I feel sympathy. I feel bad because I never wish any stress when it comes to children on anyone. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. Ever. But then I start to feel selfish and turn the fear onto me. What if that is Samantha? What if she turns out to have problems or gets sick? I'll still love her unconditionally but it's scary to think that my child that I waited in fear for could be sick or taken from me or anything. I wish we could all live in a naive bliss and not worry about scary things. But then reality hits. I just don't want to ever see Sam hurting nor do I ever want to lose her. I couldn't bear that. But then there's always the question of what will happen next in my life because things don't tend to go my way....

Holidays

Christmas is coming and it's coming fast. I can't believe it is already December. The moment that I thought I would share with Jack and that still breaks my heart will now be shared with Samantha. I will get to spend her first Christmas with her. I can't wait but at the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared that I will only think of Jack and missing him will be greater than the joy I should be feeling and sharing with Sam. I try my hardest not to make things unfair for her. She deserves all the joy in the world. She deserves our full attention. But always in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "he should be here".
It will be our first Christmas without my father. His seat at the table will be empty. Picturing it makes my stomach turn. I wish he would have been here just a little longer. I wish he could be here for Sam's first Christmas. I know it was my dad's time to go. I understand that. But now as Samantha is growing and changing so much, I just wish he could have been here a bit longer. I wish I could bring her over there so he could see her laugh and smile. He should have at least been here to see that. It's not fair that he won't get to. And it's not fair that Sam won't get to know her grandfather who was by far the most amazing man in the world. At least I can hope now Jack is with him and getting to know him.

Now

Last year and even a few months ago, I never thought I would see myself here. I never thought I would smile again. I never thought I could feel happy. I never thought I could even smile for a picture. I think about Jack every single day. There has not been one day when his name did not cross my mind. The pain is still there and the sadness won't go away. But I never thought I would be able to say that it actually has become bearable. Maybe it's because I have Samantha to help make me smile or the fact that Sean is around to pick me up. Whatever the case, I never thought I would be here.

Grandfather

While we were in Poland, I watched my uncle and aunt playing with their granddaughter. She would run back and forth between them and gave them a hug each time she went to them. Then she sat on my uncle's lap as he played the piano. I am so happy and honored that Papa got to meet his granddaughter. Everyone who had spoken to him said how he spoke about her. He was in love with her. He called her beautiful and smart. He would shout her name as loud as he could. But it also makes me so sad that she won't grow up with him. It makes me sad that he hasn't seen her since September. I wish he could see her today.  I wish he could see her as she changes. I wish I could show her off to him. I wish so badly that I could just jump in my car with Samantha and bring her over to him so that he could see her and hold her. If only we could have had a little bit more time....

Back

I'm back. Back in Miami. Back to my husband. Back to my baby. It was an amazing trip. Tiring, but amazing. I got the closure I needed saying goodbye to my father. I miss him a lot and I only thought about how I would normally come back to Miami and tell my dad the stories of visiting Poland. Or he would have been there with us. It was a beautiful service, beautiful burial, and just a beautiful, emotional experience. I saw cousins and relatives that I have not seen in years. Everyone was there to celebrate a great man; my father. I miss him so much. I do really wish he was still here. I think about how I wish I did more with him during his last weeks. I should have taken him around more, like I used to. But I was pregnant and selfish. And now I regret that everyday.

It's great to be back with Samantha. I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone. I can not describe the heart ache I felt being apart from her. I am just happy to be back with her safe and sound. In any sort of turbulence on the plane, I would grab Jack's necklace and just hold onto it. I would ask him and Papa to just get me to Samantha safely.

The moments

As Christmas approaches, I am now able to share moments that I have waited to do for so long. The Grinch came on TV tonight. I was able to have Samantha on my lap and watch it with her. It's the little things like that, that bring out my tears. There are tears of joy. But then I think of Jack and wish how much it was with him and how he should be here. I have waited so long to spend Christmas time with my children. All my happy moments have become bittersweet moments instead.

Motherhood

I have had amazing moments and feelings throughout my life that I am happy to say I have had and that are unforgettable. I will never forget swimming with wild dolphins and having one literally look at me and smile. My wedding day was one of the most amazing days of my life and I wouldn't change anything about the experience. I married the man I love and the day was perfect in my eyes. I will never forget the day Caroline called me and told me she won the IVF raffle for me which eventually led to my pregnancy with Jack.
All these moments and emotions were amazing and I will never ever forget the. But being a mother is something I can not describe. Being able to see my daughter alive and healthy is a daily experience that I am grateful for each day. I am so in love with my children. I am so happy that I will be able to watch Sam grow. I'm scared but at the same time excited. I wish Jack was here so I could see him become a man. But I am so very happy and thankful to have Samantha.

Booked

My flight is booked. I clicked "reserve this flight" in tears. Samantha woke up when I was done and I picked her up as she smiled at me, hugged her, and cried and cried. I don't know how I'm going to leave her. My sister and Sean kept telling me it will be ok, it will be fast. I know that. But I'm still freaking out. It's so cliche to say, but one really does not understand the emotions a mother feels until they have become one. I am so in love with my daughter and I can't describe how it feels. I am so panicked about leaving her but I'm trying not to be dramatic about it. However it's so hard and I can't explain the irrational fears I'm feeling and I can't help but have them.
Wish me luck!

Panic

I am supposed to fly to Poland next week for Papa's burial. I haven't booked a flight yet and of course since I waited so long, I am having issues finding the flight I would want.
Panic is starting to set in. I don't want to leave Samantha. The thought of being so far from her is killing me. The thought that I won't be able to come back right away if I have to scares the living daylights out of me. The thought that something may happen to me and I won't come back to her is haunting my thoughts constantly.Thinking about leaving her and being so far from her is making me shake and cry. I know Sean can do it and he's an amazing dad and I have complete faith in him. It's everything else that is making me want to scream. However, if I DON'T go, I know that I will regret that forever. I won't be there for the burial, I won't be there for more closure, and I won't be there with more family. So hard....

Jack's Video

I put together a video for Jack's one year. Here it is:

Mama

I wish my mother could babysit Samantha. I wish I could ask her to watch my daughter. I wish my father was still around so he could get to know Samantha and so that she could get to know him. My mother always wanted grandchildren. She loves kids. She spoiled them. She treated my cousin's kids as her own. I couldn't wait to give her grandchild. I could not wait for her to spoil her grandchildren. She doesn't know about Jack. She doesn't know that she has a grandson in heaven. She meets Samantha every time I bring her over there. She loves Samantha's feet. Sometimes she calls her a him. But she also says how cute and smart she is. I just wish so badly that she could know her granddaughter. I wish she could come over and spend time with us. I wish that I could depend on her to watch my baby. I hate that I have lost my mother.

Waking up

Samantha and I both have the sniffles. So going to bed last night, I took medicine to help me sleep. As soon as I realized what I was doing, it was too late. What if she cries at night and I don't hear her? What if I don't wake up when she needs me? The night went smoothly. I woke up around 7:45 and realized Sam had not woken up yet. I started to panic. I looked at the monitor and she was still sleeping. But of course, the only way I could ease my mind is to go into her room and make sure she is still breathing. I put my hand on her chest just to double check. She woke up a few minutes later. I know, I know. All mothers are scared and paranoid. But this feeling SUCKS. I am just so scared I will lose her too.

Beautiful love

This is what I stare at every morning.

I can't explain the feeling I get when I look at her. Tears of joy fill my eyes as my heart grows because my love for her is so big that it takes up so much space. I have loved anything or anyone so much. I can stare at her for hours. And then of course, my mind moves to Jack. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he's not here and I can't do this to him and I am not saying those words about him. The tears of joy are taken over by tears of sadness.

Rainbow

"Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Weekend away

We took our weekend trip to Rocky Lake. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect, and the scenery was amazing for pictures. Only thing missing was Jack. These are the moments I dreaded. As I stood among the flowers with my husband and my daughter, all I could think about was my necklace and how I wish Jack was with us instead of around my neck. It saddens me to know that he won't be part of these moments and I will dread each picture we take without him.
We lit lanterns in his memory over the lake. It was beautiful. All our friends were there. Our amazing friends who help us celebrate our son. I don't know where we would be without them. And I thank the stars every night for our support system.

Trips

This weekend with be Samantha's first trip to rocky lake. I've looked forward to this moment for a while. First, I couldn't wait for Jack to go up there. I wanted to spend time with us there, be in pictures, learn things from his dad, and make memories with us. Instead, we had to spread his ashes up there. It's not fair. Now, I have been waiting to take Sam up there so she can make memories with us and so she can see where we put her brother to rest. I wish Jack was with us. We should be a family of 4 going up there....

Driving

The weather is gorgeous. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and there is barely any humidity. It's beautiful out. I drive with the windows down and the music nice and loud. Samantha is in the backseat "talking". These are the moments I pictured with Jack. These are the moments I looked forward to. The weather is getting so nice and that all we want to do is be outside. Samantha is with me all the time. I love walking her in this weather. I love sitting outside with her. I can't wait to take her away this weekend. But through all this beauty and smiling, Jack is missing. He is always in my mind and in my heart. I can't help but think, he should be here. But I am so happy that Sam is here. It's just bittersweet....

Crash!

My life has become one hell of an emotional roller coaster. Things are down (infertility), things go up (free IVF and getting pregnant), things go WAY down (loss of Jack), things go up (getting pregnant), things go even more up (giving birth to Samantha), things go down (losing my father), things go up and level out (having and being able to spend time with my Samantha). I am just waiting for the next emotional turn. Which way will it go? Up or down? Maybe it was because I was sick or because I flew to NYC for a night, but I am EXHAUSTED! This roller coaster ride is finally catching up to me and I am ready for a break. I feel like I have hit a low and I am so tired and emotionally drained. I want to sit with Samantha in my lap and Sean by my side and just watch the world go by. I just want things to level out and stay this way for a while. Sure I have the stresses of life like finances, getting a job, etc, but I just don't want any major problems. Is that too much to ask? I am just so, so tired and I have finally crashed from this hell ride.
Next weekend we are going to Rocky Lake and I am so looking forward to that getaway!

Without you

I am on my way back from NYC. I was there for a service for my father. It was emotional and very nice day filled with friends and family and kind words and hugs and tears. I can't remember who or how many people came up to me about it, but more than one person came up to me saying how when they spoke to my father, all he could do was rave about Samantha and how happy he was. Tears flow as I hear this news. It's not new news but hearing it from people I don't talk to normally made it amazing news. My father being able to meet Samantha is something that I cherish, something that I am so grateful for, and something I will remind her about as much as possible. I am so glad I have pictures of those moments. He was able to meet his granddaughter and now he is taking care of his grandson.

Capture Your Grief

I am taking part in the capture your grief from CarlyMarie Project Heal. Many women are taking part because it's pregnancy and infant awareness month. So I get to see other women's photos on their blogs, through the bump, and on instagram. October of course for me is not only important for that reason, but it's also the month we lost Jack, the month of his due date, and the many other things we did in his memory. October will never be the same for me. But it's nice to do something like capture your grief. I get to think of Jack everyday and share photos and feelings with others. I am sharing them on instagram.

Comparison of grief

Losing Jack was the worst thing ever. I don't think I will ever feel a pain like that again. Or at least I hope I don't. My aunt said to me the other day that when my sister called her the day I lost Jack, she had never heard so much hurt and anguish in any one's voice like she did in mine. It was a heart wrenching pain that I can not even begin to describe in words. And now that my father has passed, I am dealing with grief again. It's just a little different. I don't feel the same kind of pain and heart ache. Instead, I feel more sadness and I miss him so much. Sad. That's the best word to describe it. Painful was the word for losing Jack. I truly just miss my father. I guess I can't say that miss Jack because I never actually met him. But with my father, I miss his smile, I miss his voice, I miss his jokes and stories, I miss his kindness, I miss his smell, I miss his hands, I miss the way he'd tell me he loves me. I spent today with my mother for her birthday and I wish so badly that he could have been there. Jack and my father will always be missing in family gatherings. Again, I have to keep asking the question of "now what?". Will I have to grieve again in the near future? I am kind of sick of heart break....

Ouch...

This time from Publix

Cuddles

Most mornings, after Samantha wakes up all smiles, I take her into my bed to feed her and we just lie and cuddle together. I love seeing her smile in the mornings. She wakes up in such a good mood. She eats her "breakfast" and then is so happy to cuddle with me. It makes me happy. But then my mind wanders and all I can think about is how I wish Jack could cuddle with us. I imagine a one year old in bed with us laughing and smiling. It pains me to know that throughout our future we will never be able to hold our son. Ever.

Please don't forget

As the year has passed, I can only hope that people have not forgotten about Jack. Is that too much to ask? Do people think and assume that I am over him and his loss? That I don't need them anymore? I can only appreciate those that are still there for me and that will be there for me when I am celebrating his 5th birthday in heaven or even his 20th. Why is it that when the worst things happen to us, it is only then that we realize who really can be the ones there and the ones to be counted on? Maybe it is through these times that we become selfish and expect support that people can not offer. Do we punish them for that? I can only try my hardest to hold my head high and focus on the positive in my life. I need to finally learn to just count on the people that I know will be there instead of those that I hope will be but I know won't. I need to stop having false hope. The only hope that I can have is that everyone, even those who are not always there, will remember Jack. Remember him as my son. Remember that he does exist. Remember that we do have a son. Remember that Samantha does have a brother. No matter what and no matter who comes and goes in our lives, I will make sure that Jack's memory lives on.

For your first birthday

Dearest Jack,
It's been one year since we said good bye. We can't believe how fast the time has gone. Since losing you, we have been blessed with your little sister. Thank you for watching over us and her. We think of you every single day.
We went and spent a family day doing things that you would have enjoyed so much. The only thing missing was you. I really hope that you are able to watch us from where ever you are and know that you will always be a part of this family. We set a lantern off in memory of you.Your father and I watched it as it sailed into the sky. All I can think about was how I wish you were here and that you could be with us. We want you to be here and celebrate your life, not your memory. But your memory will always live on and we will celebrate it forever.

We love you, Jack.

One Year

One year ago today, I had the worst day of my life. I lost my son. I lost the son that had grown inside me for 38 weeks. The son I was so ready and excited to meet. The son that made Sean and me so happy. We lost our boy for reasons we will never know. It was not "not meant to be". It was not "not someone's plan". It was purely tragic and sad. We had to hold him at 9:15 PM as a sleeping baby. He did not cry out and scream for his mother. He did not shiver in the cold room. Sean did not get to cut his cord. I did not get see his eyes open. Instead, we held our dead son in our arms for a few minutes and said our good byes.
Our son is turning one today and we don't get to celebrate. We don't get to throw him a birthday party and hug him on this special day. Instead, the mourning continues and the grief strikes us all over again. A year's time made no difference in my broken heart. It is just as strong. It is just as powerful. I am just as sad.
Sean, Samantha, and I will be spending the day together. We are a family. The four of us. I just wish that our son was here so that he could spend it with us.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, my sweet angel prince. We miss you, Jack. More than ever.....

Scary moments

Samantha was in the hospital this past weekend. She had a fever and it turned out to be nothing serious. However, she went through every possible test that there is. Blood test via IV, urine test via a catheter, spinal tap, chest x ray. My poor baby girl was tortured and I had to sit there and watch. I knew deep down that she was ok but I was scared. Scared to lose her. Scared that she would be sick. Scared that she was hurting. I hated watching her go through all that. I just kept asking my father and Jack to watch over her.

Things

I'm visiting my mother. I want her to continue to see me and see Samantha. I want to continue to spend time with her. Even if it is just sitting next to her, words being exchanged or not. I look around he room and I see my dad's things. I see his Toms shoes, his clothes, and many other things. How sad. How very sad. I miss him and I still can't believe he's gone. I know it's better that my mother doesn't understand that her darling husband is no longer with us. But at the same time, I think it's sad that she can't grieve. I don't know. It's all so difficult.

Funeral Home

My sister asked me to go to the funeral home today for the last minute paperwork, the payment, and the picking of the urn. I wanted to be there. My sister asked me to be there. I would not let her go alone. However, sitting in that room, surrounded by coffins and urns, my mind went to Jack right away. Almost a year ago, my friends were at the same funeral home helping me pick an urn for my dead son. Now I was in there picking out one for my father. Almost a year later.... This October, I get to "celebrate" Jack's first birthday in heaven. This October, I get to go to New York and be there for a memorial service for my father on the same day as Jack's due date. On the same day we planted his tree. And on the same day we released butterflies for him. This year has been one hell of a ride. Yes, there were a few ups; one HUGE up, my precious baby girl. But all the downs are what kill me. I feel like I am being punched over and over and over again. But I am trying my hardest to keep getting back up. And now, I have to. For Samantha.

Days

As the days pass, it still has not hit me that my father is gone. As I saw him in the room after he was gone, I kept thinking he'd move or I'd see him wake up or breathe. It's all a dream. I'm going to go back to that house and he will be there still. Alive.
I regret and feel guilty about a lot of actions, thoughts, and words. I wish I could take back a lot. But I can't. And I know Papa is in a better place. And I know it was his time. But it's still hard. It still hurts. And I still miss him. No matter how expected, it's still hard. I'm so glad he met Sam. But I wish she could have gotten to know him better.

Papa

September 20, 2012 10:30 AM My father passed away. I was there. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. I will never forget that moment. His face, his feel, the rosary in his hand, and that last breath. I whispered about 4 times, "Please go to Jack and say hi" "Please take care of Jack". I hope that there is SOMETHING after this life. I do believe there is, but what if there isn't? I want so badly for my father and Jack to be together. I want to believe that they have met in heaven or where ever and they are together. I hope so much that they are able to spend the rest of eternity with each other and the rest of our deceased family.
My sister was not here. I feel terrible. I wish so badly that she was here. I would have switched with her in a second. She is the one who has been there through thick and thin for my father. She was the one who always by him no matter what. She was the one who flew down at least once a week to make sure he was ok and taken care of. But he waited for me to get there at least. And she was happy that he waited for one of us. I got there at about 10:20 and he was gone by 10:30.
I am grieving. I am very, very sad. I don't know how else to describe how I feel. Yes I am ok. Yes I will survive. But I feel sad and upset and the tears come and go. And I don't want to be alone.

Bunia i Dziado

My mother held Samantha for the first time yesterday. That was a nice moment. She was happy and loving on Sam a lot which made me happy. I just wish they could have more of a relationship but I will take what I can get.
I take Samantha over there as much as possible now with how my dad's condition is. He notices her sometimes but other times he is too out of it to notice we are even there. I want to tell him to watch over Jack and say hi to him from me when the time comes, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I guess I don't have to say it out loud. But I am hoping, if there is a next step after death, Jack will have his Dziado with him and they will be together.

Grandparents

I dropped Samantha off at Sean's mother's house today. Reason why? My father, Sam's grandfather, is still in the hospital. I was a little sad dropping her off. I only think and wish that I could take her to MY mother and have MY mother watch her. I wish my mother knew who her granddaughter is and I wish she could spend the time with her that I know she would have wanted to. My mom always loved kids. She always said how much she looked forward to having grandkids. And now she has one, and she can't enjoy it. Ok, she can enjoy it, but she doesn't know what she is enjoying. She has yet to hold her granddaughter. It hurts. It does, but it's just something that I've accepted. I just wish Samantha could meet my mother as the woman I remember. And I just wish my mother could spend time with Samantha in a way that she would truly remember and cherish.

What next?

That's a thought that comes to mind since losing Jack. I'm scared of what else could happen. While I was pregnant with Sam, I thought the next bad thing to happen would be losing her too. I also am scared of losing other loved ones. When Sean isn't around, I'm scared he will be taken from me. I can't sleep well without him by my side. Now that Sam is here, I wake up at night making sure she is still alive and I wake up every morning grateful that she is still breathing. We lost our son. What is the next bad thing to happen to us?

Father

Another visit to the ER for my father. The caretaker took him there and I just came back from checking in on him and having him see a familiar face. He looked worse than last time he was in the hospital. The sunken cheeks, the sad face, and the confusion just made tears well up in my eyes. I came home and gave Samantha many kisses and told her how much her dziadzo loves her and how much I hope she gets to spend lots more time with him.
Now I just wait to hear updates on what's going on.....

11 months

Tomorrow is 11 months since we lost our baby boy. I can't believe it. I'm dreading it. Thinking of it just makes me cry. My baby girl will be there to comfort me and see me through the dark day, but Jack will be missing. Jack will always be missing. I can not believe that he would have been 11 months tomorrow. Time has gone by way too fast. How will I feel when the 10th year comes? Or the 18th? He is so loved and so cherished. So why did he have to be taken away? To this day, and forever, I will ask myself that question. I look a Sam, and think of her brother. I think how it would be if he was here. I think how he SHOULD be here. It's so unfair. 11 months. I am dreading next month....................

Children

For the first time today in a long time, I spent a day with a bunch of children and I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel tears in my eyes and my arms weren't empty. Did I think of Jack? Of course. I wished he was there and I wish he could be with me all the time. But holding Sam and watching children play, I could only look to the future I have with my baby girl and I can't wait. Things will always go back to Jack but the happiness I feel with Sam is amazing.

As I watch her sleep...

I put Samantha in her crib tonight. She got a bath tonight, she stated at me as I put her pajamas on, and Sean swaddled her up. I turned on the mobile and stood over her as she watched the mobile move. I love her more than words can ever describe. I can stare at her and hold her all day. I tear up just thinking about how much I love her. But as I watched her, my thoughts go back to Jack. I wonder what he would be like. Would he have been an easy baby? Would he have been like her? What would his cry sound like? Would he eat a lot? Would he like to be swaddled like his sister does? I just wonder what kind of baby my angel would have been like. I miss him...

The Journey

I didn't post this on here. I wanted to share it. Plus I like to watch it and haven't in a while. ;-)

Ouch

Received this in the mail the other day:

My Jack Jack would be turning one soon. I would be planning some sort of party for him. I would be chasing him around the house watching him laugh and learn new things everyday. I can't believe it's been almost a year. It KILLS me to think about it. I hold my necklace when I seek comfort and I look at his picture when I need reassurance. I tell Samantha everyday that her big brother is her guardian angel. I do truly believe that he is watching over us and that he is protecting his family. I just wish that he was with us instead.

Fear

As the days pass, the new fears continue to unfold. When she coughs, I get scared. When she goes to bed, I hope and pray that she will be breathing when I wake up. I'm scared she will choke on her own spit up. I'm scared that she will roll over and get stuck in the bars of the crib. So many fears, so little room in my heart and head. Again, I ask Jack to watch over his sister. He is her guardian angel and I want him to always make sure she is ok. Am I asking too much of him? He's my baby too. He's supposed to be my little boy that I should be worrying about too. Instead, he has the responsibility of looking after his family. I want him to always know that he is our son and Sam's big brother. No matter what. No matter how much time passes. Jack, you are loved. You are missed. And the pain does not go away.

Driving alone

Today is the first time I'm driving alone with Sam. I got to play my song for her. I hope our bond as mother and daughter will stay strong and last forever. I can only hope that we get along how my mother and I did. I can only hope she and I will share many moments together. I love her so much and I have only really known her for almost 2 weeks. I can't wait to share all the experiences with her that are to come.

Took a walk

Sean and I took Sam for a walk around the neighborhood today. I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted to do that with Jack. How many times I imagined doing that with him. I love the fact that I can do it with Sam but the missing piece of my Jack will always be gone from my heart. I wish he was with us so he can take part in family activities like that. He will always be missing in pictures, in things we do, and just missing from our lives. I am so grateful to have Jack as our angel but I just wish he was here with us where he belongs.

One Week

Samantha is one week old. The time is already going by too fast. I can't wait to see how she develops but I don't want to waste any of the moments we have with her. I want to cherish every single second.
I've had those baby blues that I guess people warned me about. Nothing major, but tears of fatigue and frustration mostly due to breastfeeding. For some reason or another, I turn to asking Jack for strength. I wish I could hold him and I feel like if that could happen, everything would be ok. I hope he continues to watch over us. His little sister will need him.
Other than that, things are amazing. I am on cloud nine. Sean is the best daddy I could ask for my daughter and being the best, most supportive husband I could ask him to be to me. I feel very lucky about that. :-)

The Big Day

Well, she is here. Samantha Jacklyn is our rainbow, take home baby. She is healthy and alive and I have a living child. Her big brother and angel is watching over us and everything went well. And I have him to thank for that.

On August 8, 2012, Sean and I went to the hospital to check in at 9:30 AM. After checking in, we were sent to the prep room where I was put on an IV and a monitor. We got to listen to Sam's heart beat as we waited. Music to my ears. As I lied there, though, I felt like I was there for some other surgery other than a c-section to give birth to my daughter. Finally, right before noon, we walked to the OR. Sean waited in my recovery area as I went to the room alone. The first sight of the room brought back the memories of my Jack Jack. The aura in the room was definitely a lot different though. The nurses were joking around, music was playing, and my doctor was in much better spirits. I was still a nervous wreck. I laughed at a joke here or there but deep down I just wanted to know that my baby girl would be ok.

Sean was finally allowed to come to the room. He looked nervous. But he was there to hold my hand. The tears were flowing. The nurse asked if they were tears of joy. I said yes but also tears of fear. Both the doctors that were there for Jack were there for Sam. I liked that. After a bit, at 12:30 PM, I finally heard it. I heard Samantha's first cries. My tears got stronger. The thing that I had been waiting for happened. I heard my live daughter crying her eyes out as she came out. I got a quick look and she and Sean were taken from me.

When I finally got to hold her to my chest, I couldn't help but think that Jack was there with us as part of our family. He was watching over us and everything turned out ok. My daughter is alive and healthy.

The recovery room was terrible. Sean came and went as he went to see our daughter. I lied in the bed begging my legs and toes to move so that I could go see my daughter. I was getting updates from Sean and friends of her in the nursery but I just wanted to go to her.

The rest of the day was pretty much a happy blur. My daughter is gorgeous and I was so happy to finally hold her and love her and just give her all my attention. People came and went and the day went by with smiles, tears, and love.

It's her 5th day being in the world, and she's home with us, but it still has not hit me that Sean and I have a daughter. I don't know what it feels like but I just don't feel like I have a child of my own. I don't know when it will hit me. But no matter what, I love her. I love her more than anything in this world. But I still miss Jack. I still miss him more than anything in this world. I wish he was here with us. I wish he was the big brother he is supposed to be. Samantha will know that her big brother is an angel watching over her. Forever.

Here is my little girl:

Tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the day. I am supposed to meet my first live baby, my daughter, my life, my future. I can't believe I'm here. I'm already wearing a hospital bracelet, my bags are packed, the hospital knows I am coming. I had to retell them about how I had a stillborn today after questions of why a c-section and if this is my first baby. They told me all about the procedure, what to expect, what to do, etc. It still has not hit me. I can't believe it's happening tomorrow. I can't believe August 8th, the day I have been waiting for, is finally going to be here tomorrow. I can't believe that there is a possibility that Sean and I will actually have a child. That we will be parents to a live baby. I am a nervous wreck to say the least and I know he is too.
Thank you to all my friends and family and supporters. And thank you for reading. I will post how things go as soon as I can. Keep those fingers crossed please.

Can't picture it

4 days to go. I can't believe it. I'm hoping the rest of the days go by fast but I doubt they will. I still can't picture Sean and me holding a live baby. It just doesn't come to mind. Sean says he feels she will be coming home with us. I just feel like it'll all come to a sudden end again. I hope I'm wrong. I just want to be able to hold my crying baby girl, I want to be able to feed her, rock her, and love her and hear and see her breathe. That's all I want.

10 Months yet 5 days

It's been 10 months since we said goodbye to Jack. The hardest day I will ever experience. I look at his picture and wish so badly that he was here with us. Wishes don't come true. But then a the same time, it's 5 days till we meet Sam. Or at least hopefully meet Sam. I want time to slow down and go back to 10 months ago but then I want it to speed up the 5 days so I can meet my daughter. What a way to be pulled back and forth.

7

7 days. Can you believe it? I never thought we would even make it this far. Within the next 7 days, we will know if I will give birth to a baby that is alive. We lost Jack at 38 weeks and 3 days. I'm supposed to deliver at 38 weeks on the dot. Please, Jack, watch over your family. As our angel, please be in that OR with us. We want our son there with us.
I still can't believe it's in 7 days. I'm so nervous. :-/

How it is

As time passes after Jack and as time gets closer to Samantha, it's interesting how people react to Sean and me. Some people treat us like a plague and don't know how to approach us. I run into people who see me pregnant and they don't know how to react. I scare them. Some people think that after time and after getting pregnant again, Sean and I are ok and we don't need them anymore. They think time heals the wound of losing a son. FYI, it doesn't. They think that since we are pregnant again, we should have moved on and completely focus on our new pregnancy. Not only does it make me miss Jack more, it also scares the crap out of me because how do I know what will happen to Samantha. There are those who have moved on with their lives and forgotten about us. This is the difficult position for us because how can we expect anyone to still be sympathetic and caring when everyone has their own lives; their own issues? Then of course there are those that have stuck by us throughout the past almost 10 months and have been there no matter what and don't forget that Jack exists. People on the bump talk all the time about how they have lost friends or have drifted from friends after their loss. I did not expect that to happen to me, but it's something I have to accept and move on from. How else will I survive? I just have to focus on my family's future and the people that will be there not only in the present but in the future.

Almost...

My baby girl telling us one more week to go....

I can't believe it's almost here and I don't think it will hit me till that day. Or even when we are bringing home.

Sleep

It's been hard to sleep for a while now. Yes I get the sleep I need but now and then I have had the nights where I don't. Thoughts of Jack have stirred me awake. About him being here, reliving that horrible day, or just wishing he was still inside me. Then throughout this pregnancy, heart burn and going to the bathroom have kept me up at night. And of course the thoughts of her not moving and being dead inside me keep me up at night. Now, as time gets closer, I'm losing sleep thinking of the big day. Will everything be ok? What will she be like? Will she be a fussy baby? Will I get to bring her home? Will she be healthy and alive? The questions go on and on... Then I realize if we do bring her home, I won't be sleeping much then either. But for good reason. This count down is just nerve wracking....

Daddy

Sean and I went to a wedding yesterday where there were a lot of children. Of course my first thought is how I wish Jack was there, what he'd be like around all those kids, and how much I wish I could show him off to the world.
At one point, we were inside and the kids (mainly boys) were playing with trucks on the floor in front of me, Sean sitting next to me on the floor. The little boys had him join in their fun with the trucks, books, and other toys. Watching Sean play with them killed me. He is such a good dad and he has missed the opportunity to be a dad to Jack. He would have loved it and been so good! I want to scream when I think of that and the pain in my heart is great. If Samantha gets here, she will be one lucky little girl and she will love her daddy. I just know it.

Differences

I wonder if the differences I feel with this pregnancy are a sign. Does it mean that the outcome will be different? I sure hope so. But I'm sure it's normal. And if I do ever get pregnant again, that one will probably be different too.

With this pregnancy:
A lot more movement
Worse heart burn later in pregnancy
A lot more uncomfortable to move
Harder to sleep at night due to discomfort
Peeing a lot more especially throughout the night (every 2-3 hours)
I literally feel her head pushing "down there"
I always felt Jack's butt being there (even when he had passed) but with Sam, I feel like I know where each part of her body is
Sam's foot literally pushes at my side
In the beginning of this pregnancy, I didn't like certain smells
There are certain foods I do or don't want throughout the stages of this pregnancy. Right now, I don't want bacon.
Sean feels her move from outside a lot more than he did with Jack.
I feel her higher up next to my chest now.
I feel her have hiccups a lot. I never felt that with Jack.

I'm sure there are more. I want to remember these moments. No matter the outcome.

Spotted...

I went to Whole Foods and saw a little boy who could have been Jack. The mom was pushing him in the cart. He was about how old Jack would be with blonde hair and blue eyes. Just as I imagine he would have looked like. It's so hard to see boys like that. It's like a stab in the heart for me. I just wish so badly that I had him with me so I can show him off. So I can take him places and push him around.
Jack, you are CONSTANTLY on my mind. Please do not ever think otherwise. I see you everyday and wish so badly that you were next to me. I will never forget you and you will never be replaced.

14 days

2 weeks to go. 2 weeks till I meet my baby girl.... hopefully. I get so scared thinking it will just happen all over again. Am I jinxing things by getting ready? Should I not have prepared myself for this baby and just waited to make sure? I can't help to think that but then I know me and I know I want to be prepared. I will just have to put everything away all over again if I lose her. I can only just hope and pray (if that even works) that the day will come and I will hear her cry and see her breathe and touch her warm skin. I can only hope that the next 14 days go by fast so that we will finally see if we will meet her.

17 days

When we lost Jack, I counted days as they went up and up and up. I can't believe so many days have passed since that dreaded day. Now as August 8th gets closer, I'm doing the opposite. In 17 days, we should know if we will be bringing home our daughter. Do I wish it was Jack? Of course I do, but I am so grateful for Samantha and I know I can't put any blame or heartache on her. It's just so hard. For both Sean and me. We are nervous of losing her. We are nervous of actually bringing home a baby. We are wishing it was Jack. We can't wait to meet Samantha. So many different emotions all balled up in our hearts and minds. It's something that I can't really describe. The feeling of anticipation plus the feelings of guilt and heartache all mixed up with sadness and fear. I never wish this on anyone. Ever....

Passing time

I look at Jack's picture and urn and can't believe it's been almost 10 months. Samantha kicks and moves in my womb but there are times when I wish it was still Jack. I would have loved to meet him and watch him grow. I am grateful for my daughter. I am grateful for the love I already feel for her, but I will forever grieve my son and wish he was here with me. Instead I am forced to try to "hang in there", to try "not to put stress on my baby", to do my best for her. I had about 2 months to myself to grieve the loss of my son without his sister inside of me. Was it enough? What do I do if I lose her too? Do we try again right away or do I take more time to myself? Especially after being pregnant for about 2 years in a row. But how do I handle empty arms again?
3 weeks. In 3 weeks, we should know if we will find happiness with our daughter or not.

The new me

Ever since losing Jack, I have become so different. I don't know if everyone sees it or not. It's mostly mental and emotional. Things set me off easier. My anxiety levels can be crazy. I don't sleep well alone anymore. Friday night, I had to sleep without Sean, and it was just a mess. I need him next to me for the comfort, for the reassurance, and just for the fact that I need to know my husband is still with me. I lost my son, I can't lose Sean too. Unlikely? Maybe, but can you blame me? I am not a normal person when it comes to loss anymore. Expected loss I can handle. Unexpected loss is a different story. Let's just hope that one day soon, I'll have a baby girl next to me. But that will just bring on a whole new fear....

Getting closer

3 weeks and 2 days... I can't believe it. Will it actually happen? Will I hear my baby cry? Will I be able to bring her home? Will I watch my daughter grow up? Oh, Jack, how I wish you could be here to be with your family. You are so missed. But thank you. Thank you for watching over us. But please continue to watch over your sister and send her to us nice and safe please.

Here she is:

Count down

4 weeks and counting. I can't believe it's right around the corner. Crossing my fingers that she comes out safely and healthy. I still can not picture us with a live baby. I pictured Jack with us so many times and that went to sh*t so now I can not picture us with a real baby home with us, on trips with us, outside with us. Nothing... It won't hit me till it happens I guess. IF it happens.
I know my body and my mind and my heart are all ready for a break from pregnancy. 2 years with only about 2 months break being pregnant is pretty tough. It's draining; both physically and emotionally. I guess more so because of what happened to us obviously. But I'm just ready to hopefully meet this little one and take a nice break from being pregnant.

Please, baby girl. Come safely to us.... Jack, watch over us.

The aftermath

The ultrasound went well today. Everything looked good. The technician told me to talk to my OB about it because preeclampsia is more of a clinical issue versus something she can see on the screen. But from what she saw and showed me, Samantha is doing well. She's measuring 5 pounds 14 ounces which is above average. She even showed me the fat lining around her belly. She said if she wasn't getting the nutrients and whatever else from the placenta, she would be smaller than average. It's just all so frustrating and annoying and I hate being this way. I can't ENJOY my last few weeks of pregnancy with my baby girl because I'm so worried about losing here.

Here she is at 5lbs 14oz (the videos are better)

So scared

I can't describe this fear, this gut wrenching, heart breaking fear to you. Second to actually losing Jack, this fear is the worst feeling in the world. I barely slept last night. All I thought about was the worst. Every time I woke up, I reached for my belly and begged Samantha to move for me. That's the only thing that would lull me back to sleep. I felt another panic attack coming on at 1:00 in the morning but remained calm squeezing Sean's sleeping arm and hand, telling myself that everything will be ok. Oh please. Do you think my brain believed that one? I can't wait for August to come to know how I'll meet my little girl: dead or alive. And I can't wait for it to come so I can have some relief from this constant fear that literally hurts.
Time to try to sleep some more. I'm "seeing" Sam at 1:30 this afternoon at least.

Damn the Internet

A headache started tonight. More like a one sided migraine. I reach for my phone and check the Internet. Most of the time it's common. Very common. But there are times when a headache can mean preeclampsia. My cousin had it. So of course Sean and I think the worst. I want to check my blood pressure so Sean ran off to buy a tester. He's freaking out. That doesn't help how I feel. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to be scared. But I don't want to put anything off. I don't want to say, oh I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. We will check then. What if that's too late?
Blood pressure seems fine. I called the doctor office just in case and he called back and said not to go to hospital if blood pressure is ok.
I hate this fear.... I can not sleep because I'm fearing the worst. Please be ok, baby girl. PLEASE!!!!!!

Free Write

I never experienced panic attacks till I lost Jack. Now I'm one of those people. Things easily set me off. My mind, my heart, and my body just can't handle it.
Dealing with my parents stresses me out. My mother gets defensive and angry. That makes me sad and upset which I can't hide and that leads to more anxiety from her. My father is on the decline but who knows how long of a decline. And he can be so difficult. It makes me lose control. Cue: panic attack.
Reading articles about the possibility that it is my fault that Jack died makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me question every little thing I have done. Oh to rewind time. Just one embryo please. Maybe we should have tried more before trying the IVF? I thought the IVF was meant to be. I thought it was going to give us the son we always wanted. Instead, we killed him. Cue: panic attack.
Samantha is 5 weeks away from coming into this world. Whether it be alive or dead is still the question that remains in my head. Could I actually live through another loss of a child? Could Sean? Cue: panic attack.

A piece of me inside will forever be missing. That shine, that light that happened to me when I found out I was pregnant with Jack is gone. And it will forever be missing from my life. I'll never be the same person and I will always miss that true happiness.

Well this is just wonderful...

So as time passes and the pain somewhat goes away, things like this come along:

http://www.smh.com.au/national/health/single-embryo-ivf-transfers-have-better-chance-of-survival-20120704-21hn5.html

 

Sean and I transferred two embryos. Maybe we are the reason why Jack died. Maybe he would have survived if we transferred one embryo. But how would I know which one he was? The IVF or the ICSI? Or does the ICSI one even fall into this category?? So many questions. So much heart ache. So many times I just ask why. But when I hear possible answers, it makes it hard too.

9 months

I can't believe it's been 9 freaking months since we said goodbye. The time has gone by way too fast. I want to go back and see him again. I want to go back and hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. We will never know him with eyes open. We will never know what kind of boy and man he'd grow up to be.
My angel, my son, my firstborn... Know that I love and miss you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. Where ever we go, whatever we do, you are always part of this family. You will forever be our first baby and no one or nothing will change that.
Please watch over us. Please watch over your sister. Let her to come into our lives so she can make us happy again. So she can know what an amazing big brother she has. Help me to be happy again, Jack.
I love you. 9 months without you is way too long......

Hate to complain

I am so happy to be pregnant again, minus the fear of course. I feel that we are blessed that we were able to get pregnant naturally and I will be so ecstatic if baby girl actually makes it into our lives. But I am soooooo uncomfortable. I can't breathe well, it's so hot, no position feels good, the heart burn sucks, I hate that I can't do anything. I am not trying to be unappreciative or anything but I am so ready to be over with the pregnancy. Yes I love being pregnant and I would not change anything but I just want to know what will happen and start focusing on the future. I have been pregnant for pretty much 2 years. I just need a break.

Weekly Appointments

As the weekly appointments begin, the fear is really setting in. As the ultrasound tech does her work, if I don't hear her say "everything looks good" right away, I am already assuming something must be wrong. I feel her move, I know she's there, but with how things went, I can only imagine the worst. I can only imagine something will be wrong with the fluid or the placenta or SOMETHING. I'm so scared. SO very scared...

Here she is in 3D...

Damn the fear

As time gets closer, the fear is still getting stronger. I had another dream that I lost baby girl. I woke up this morning and did what I do every morning: in my head, I say: "Samantha, please move for mommy". I wait and I wait and I begin to freak out. I get up to let the dogs out and come back to lay down. If she doesn't move, I will use the heart monitor though I don't want to freak Sean out. Finally, a push.
This fear is great and overwhelming. I have never had this kind of fear before and I do not wish it upon anyone. I know because of what I went through, my disease-like situation will make everyone else fearful. Or at least some people. But no one can know the fear unless they have gone through the heart wrenching pain of losing a child. And again, I hope NO ONE I know goes through it.
2 o'clock can't come soon enough.

Hope and dreams

I hope Samantha makes it. I hope that she will come out screaming so I know she's alive and well. I hope I will be able to hold her and feed her. I hope that we will be able to put her in a car seat in my car. I hope that I can sit next to her as we drive her home. I hope she fills our house with cries and laughter and love. I hope I'll be able to give her my finger for her to hold onto. I hope I'll be able to stroke her baby skin and tell her how much I love her and how long I have been waiting for her. I hope she grows up knowing about her big brother Jack and how loved he is.
I hope these dreams come true.

Life

I watch tears stream down my father's cheeks. I have to watch him sad and I assume in fear. I ask Sean when the good things will happen for us finally. He doesn't know either. Things are so hard. When will it be our turn? What if we lose baby girl too? I just want happiness for us. A happy future. A happy life. A happy family....

Hurts

It really hurts to see his pain and sadness. And all because of someone who is supposed to be the most loving, the most supportive, and the most sympathetic. I don't get how people can be like that. Why can't you show kindness and sympathy? I'm so upset and angry. I never want to see him in this much pain. It hurts so much.

Father's Day

I'm crying. It hurts so badly to see my husband and best friend hurt. It would have been such a special day for him. He would have been so happy to have a son with him today. I try to comfort, I try to tell him he is a father, but the words and touches don't do much to help. I know how he feels. I miss my son too. I wanted to be a mother on mother's day. But I am able to show my tears. I am able to scream the words. People comfort me and tell me that I am a mother. Sean has to be strong and brave. People expect that. But I will forever see him as Jack's father and I hope and pray that he feels it. Sean has been so amazing to me throughout everything. He was there for me in the beginning and he is still there. Every milestone, every month that passes, he makes sure I am ok. I can only hope I can repay the favor today (or any other day).

A slight vent

Please don't assume that we are over the grieving process. It hasn't been a year yet and all the first milestones are still being thrown our way. Don't think that just because we are expecting a little girl that everything is better. That makes even more emotional. We don't know if everything will be ok. We don't know if Jack thinks we are replacing him.If we have 10 more children, the pain of the loss of Jack will always be there. My husband, no matter how tough of a guy he may seem, has feelings too. He is hurting. He cries and misses his son just as much as I do. He deserves sympathy too. Please respect our feelings and emotions. Everyone grieves differently. And please let us take however much time we need.

The fear

As time gets closer, instead of feeling relief, I'm feeling fear and nerves. 8 weeks to go. I'm a nervous wreck. At this time, while I was pregnant with Jack, I was so naive. I was in the dark thinking everything was going to be ok and that I would be meeting my son soon. Instead, I entered my living hell. What if it happens again? Will I make it through? How will I live with myself if I lose another baby? I am literally scared for my daughter's life. I feel so connected to her as she is inside of me, but I still can not imagine having a live baby taken out of me. I know I will be monitored more closely, I know they are taking her out early, I know I should hope for the best. But can you honestly tell me that you can blame for being scared out of my mind? I don't know what I will do if I lose my baby girl.

Here she is at 30 weeks

Registered

I went to the hospital today to register for my delivery. I was in the area, it needed to get done. One less thing to worry about. As I sat and waited in the admitting area for the paperwork, I looked over to the chairs where I sat when I looked over Jack's autopsy. I cringed. After getting everything done, I walked to the elevator to get back to my car. I look to my right and see where I walked from my doctor's office to the hospital after finding out the dreaded news. I quickly looked away and hopped on the elevator shaking off the sadness. My memories are so sad. I only can hope good ones will come in August.

Babies

As I babysit and hold a baby boy, the only thought that comes to my mind is why I can't be holding Jack. I wish so badly that I could hold him and smell him and touch him and give him kisses. I want to be able to hear him cry and see him smile. I am doing ok with the babysitting. But it's just hard knowing that I should have my baby boy with me. He should be the baby I am holding and loving. He should be the baby I am picking up when he starts crying. It's just so sad that I can't have my son with me. I just hope my daughter makes it.

Parents

My father is not doing well. I think he's on the decline slowly, yet surely. Looking at his weakness, his frailty, his stubbornness just brings me down. I am pushed to go over there everyday. My anxiety can barely handle the situations. I wish my mother was "there" to be the strong one, to be the one that is in control, to be the one to comfort all of us. Instead, she is oblivious. I wish Jack was here. Maybe for selfish reasons, but he would bring me comfort and joy while dealing with the situation. He would be my escape. Tables have turned. I hate seeing certain things. I hate dealing with certain things. But it's the least we can do for our parents, right?

Location, location, location

I'm at my regular visit to my OB. I love him and I would not switch practices for the world. But I hate how they switch floors every so often. And here I on the third floor. The floor where I found out about Jack. I wasn't in the same exam room, thank God. But looking at that ultrasound room makes me cringe.

Time

9 weeks to go. I can't believe it. Not only is time passing so fast without Jack, but time towards knowing if I will meet Samantha is getting closer and closer. I still wish it was sooner so I could know if I will be able to hold my daughter alive. Soon I'll be monitored weekly. I guess that gives me some sort of comfort. Plus she moves for me and I keep track of that. But I still won't know nor will I feel safe when she is crying in my arms. Then the paranoia at home will set in. It's never ending.

8 month angelversary

8 months. Ouch. I can't believe the time has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was pregnant with Jack and I learned the news that he was gone forever. The question why remains embedded in my brain. The tears never stop flowing. The pain in my heart does not cease. 8 months of pure torture. I can only imagine what kind of boy little Jack Jack would be like today. What his development would be like. I wish I could be watching him grow instead of mourning his death. I love him more than anyone could imagine. I love him even though I held him for a moment and never got to see his eyes open. I love him and I will always love him. That is one thing that will never change.

Here comes another one

Another month will pass tomorrow. 8 months. 8 freaking months. I can not believe it has been that long. We should be watching Jack learn to hold himself up, maybe start to crawl, and explore new things. Instead I am mourning my dead son for yet another month. It hurts. It hurts so much. I just can't believe how time has passed and it hasn't gotten any easier. Yes days go by and I don't cry or it's easier to laugh but the pain is still so fresh and it just won't go away. I should have an 8 month old son.

First time for everything

I held a baby for the first time today since losing Jack. I couldn't do it when he was a brand new born but now that he's bigger, I took him in my arms. I'm ok, but I am not healed. I just know I want a relationship with my best friend's son. I want him to know me and I want to be part of his life no matter how hard it is. It is scary as hell though. Babies born after Jack bring up so many emotions. And I do hope I can do it with my baby girl in the future. Sean and I are still so scared we won't be doing that one day. In 9 weeks and 6 days we will find out I guess.

Home.... Alone

Today is the first day in a while that I am not working or that I HAVE to do something. I look around the house and it's empty and quiet. Jack should be crying or eating or cuddling with me. Instead I stare at his pictures and his urn and feel empty and sad.
Time for me to get out of the house. I wish he was here.

Real

I have 10 weeks to go. It doesn't seem real to me that I will have a baby to hold and take home with me. I really feel like I am going to lose my baby girl and only experience the connection I have with her now. I do not feel like I will feel that mother daughter connection ever. I love my pregnancy and I love the baby that is growing inside of me. But I feel that's as far as this will go. Again. Do I hope that's not true? Of course. Do I feel attached to the baby that is growing and moving in me? Very much so. I just can't yet picture myself hearing her scream coming out and holding a breathing, living baby. I picture myself losing another baby. We can only hope that will not happen....

Weekend Away

We had a nice weekend away. I was able to talk to Jack. Oh how I wish he was with us. I really wonder how he would be. I really wonder how it's going to be to actually have a baby, have a child. I think about it and it really has not hit me that I may actually have a happy ending to this pregnancy. Yes I am attached and I love her more than words can express. But I do not truly feel that I will meet her alive and bring her home. It has not hit me that Sean and I may actually be parents to a living child.
I was also able to celebrate Samantha by taking some pictures. I really hope she actually makes it so I can show her these pictures one day. And so I can actually enjoy the pictures instead of looking back on them and feeling sad.

Just to share a few...

I wish

I wish I could see Jack again. I wish that I can touch him and hold him. I wish I could have had more time with him. I wish I could have seen his feet. I wish I could have stroked his hair. I wish I could have inhaled his scent so that it could last with me forever. I wish I could hold his hand. I wish I could kiss his forehead. I wish I could kiss him every where. I wish I could tell him how much I love him. I wish he could know what a gift he is. I wish I could spend more time with Jack. Forever in my heart. Never forgotten. I hope he doesn't think I have moved on, because I haven't....

Just thinking

As I sit at the doctor's office (starving) waiting for the 3 hours and for the drawing of blood every hour, I just hope high blood sugar is yet another problem I won't have. I just want to go through the next couple of months in a normal manner so I have one less thing to worry about other than my daughter dying. I research gestational diabetes and one of the higher risk people is women who have had stillborn babies. What a category I fit into....
Crossing my fingers that I pass this damn test!

Jinx

I don't want to jinx things, but so far these past few days, I've been doing ok. Jack is of course constantly on my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. But I'm doing my best to look forward. But then I say those words and I think to myself, STOP jinxing things!!! I call my baby girl by her name and make it real but then I think I should not do that. Ugh, I did not want to get to this point of attachment. I'm so scared... At least June is around the corner and by the end of June I'll be seeing her every week. Please, please, please let everything be ok.

Can we fast forward?

So it looks like the baby girl will hopefully make her debut on 8/8/12 at 12 noon. If all goes well, that is when I will hopefully have a healthy baby to hold and take home. I wish so badly there was a crystal ball to tell me yes everything will be fine or no don't even think of getting your hopes up. I just can't wait for August to get here already. Please, baby girl, hold on and stay safe so your daddy and I can love you and take you home. Please please please.

The fear continues

As Samantha has become a squirmer and a mover, the fear I knew would happen has arrived. I am doing my kick counts. I do them everyday. Yet another reason iPhone apps are cool, I can count kicks well. However, I now start realizing times pass that I don't feel her move and I make sure to pay attention. And if I don't feel her move, my fear takes over. I feel that I've lost her and that it's happening all over again. I beg her to move for me and if I don't feel anything, I rush to the Doppler. Eventually, so far, I feel movement or hear her heart. But will that continue to happen or will I have to rush to the doctor and see that flat line again? I hate that I can't enjoy my pregnancy. Tomorrow is another day closer to August....

Poster child

I am thankful for kindness and sympathy. It gets me through my darkest moments. And it's one of the reasons I am still here. Please don't think I take that for granted. However, I feel like sometimes people look at me like the poster child for unhealthy, sick, or problems with their children. It's so hard for me to express this frustration and I'm doing it just to vent. Not to show ungratefulness in any way. When you think of me when you are scared in your pregnancy or when something may be wrong with your baby, you think "I'm so grateful that I get to have my baby" or "I can thank God that I have my children that surround me". Well, yes. Good for you. But not me. My son is dead and I don't have him with me.

Butterflies and signs

I let the dogs outside and I noticed Cosmo sniffing at something on the ground. I look and there is a butterfly just sitting there. I was able to take him and hold him in my hands and even take him to the front yard through the house to place him by Jack's tree. I do really wonder if these are signs of our lost loved ones. I did believe in things like that, but now I just wonder. Can there be a beyond? I would like to think so. I would like to think there is some sort of hope that I will see Jack again. That things like that butterfly really are him letting me know that he does think of me and watch over me. I will definitely let Samantha know that she has a big brother and an angel that will watch over her.

Here's my butterfly moment...

Quote

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those that had to give a child back."

- Erma Bombeck

Through sickness and kindness.

I think I'm too sick to be depressed. I'm scared to cry because then I'll get more stuffed up. I'm trying to just focus on getting better.
Also, kind words, a lot that I did not expect, helped a lot as well. I woke up this morning to sweet words from Sean wishing me a happy mothers day. I got messages throughout the whole day from people who I barely talk to, from my best friends, from my family, friends and from people are hardly know. I got a card that I did not expect. I was really acknowledged as a mother today. It was hard because Jack is not here but I know deep down that I am, and always will be, his mother. I love you, my angel.

On this difficult day...

I have no words at the moment. I just feel lost. A lost person who doesn't know if she is a mother or not. I'm sure I will write more later, but for now, someone else's words:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

Ugh

That's all I can give for the title because that describes how I feel today. Tomorrow is lingering. Sean has plans for us. He says to just think about it as being "our day". But all I can think about is Jack. How Jack should be here with me. How I should be happy. How I should be able to finally celebrate a day I was looking forward to. Why has life let me down? Being a mother is something I wanted so badly for so long. It comes so easy to so many people. But not with me. No one will understand. I tried so long and then just when I thought I would be able to have the title, it was taken from me. It pulls so hard at my heart. My mind and heart and body yearn so badly to be known as a mother, a mom, mama, mommy. But instead, I am just a woman who had a stillborn son. I am a woman people are afraid to talk to; who people avoid. I am a pregnant woman who is in fear for her baby's life. I am a woman who is wallowing in self pity because all she wants is to be someone's mother. I am a woman who sees all the mother's day commercials and my eyes just well up with tears. That was supposed to be me. Jack should be here. Jack should be in my arms. I should be his mother!
The sadness begins today. I have crawled back into bed and don't plan on getting out. Unhealthy, I know. But at this point, I don't care....

Lonely nights

Alone, festering in sadness and tears. Awaiting the dreaded day. My son should be here with me. Instead, I'm having a breakdown because my son is dead. I should be celebrating my life as a mother. Instead, I am so scared that I will completely lose it on mother's day because I don't feel like a mother. I should be excited about the beautiful baby that's developing inside of me. Instead, I have a fear that I will lose another child.
I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I can't wait for August. I can't wait to have a real, genuine smile again. I can't wait for true happiness. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm scared. These are emotions that run me into the ground.

Angel Buddy

As the dreaded day approaches, I got a nice card from my angel buddy from the bump. It is nice to be acknowledged as a mother. It is nice to receive something. And it's nice to have the support from someone I don't even know. A fellow loss mother. How sad we are in this situation.

More time to think...

As I lay in bed, sick, trying to rest and get better, I have plenty more time to think of my Jack, the upcoming dreaded day, and my fear for Samantha's life. I took for granted the days of work when I had my mind preoccupied. Now I just wonder about how things would have been if Jack were here. What kind of baby he'd be. Would he be scared of thunder? Would I be up all night with him? Then I think of mothers day and just want to break down. I want my baby son with me here so I can celebrate that day. Then my fear for my baby girl surrounds me. Will I meet her? Will I hold her alive? She kicks to remind me that she is still with me. I must get better for her sake. I love you, my children. Both of you.