First time for everything

I held a baby for the first time today since losing Jack. I couldn't do it when he was a brand new born but now that he's bigger, I took him in my arms. I'm ok, but I am not healed. I just know I want a relationship with my best friend's son. I want him to know me and I want to be part of his life no matter how hard it is. It is scary as hell though. Babies born after Jack bring up so many emotions. And I do hope I can do it with my baby girl in the future. Sean and I are still so scared we won't be doing that one day. In 9 weeks and 6 days we will find out I guess.