Holidays

Christmas is coming and it's coming fast. I can't believe it is already December. The moment that I thought I would share with Jack and that still breaks my heart will now be shared with Samantha. I will get to spend her first Christmas with her. I can't wait but at the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared that I will only think of Jack and missing him will be greater than the joy I should be feeling and sharing with Sam. I try my hardest not to make things unfair for her. She deserves all the joy in the world. She deserves our full attention. But always in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "he should be here".
It will be our first Christmas without my father. His seat at the table will be empty. Picturing it makes my stomach turn. I wish he would have been here just a little longer. I wish he could be here for Sam's first Christmas. I know it was my dad's time to go. I understand that. But now as Samantha is growing and changing so much, I just wish he could have been here a bit longer. I wish I could bring her over there so he could see her laugh and smile. He should have at least been here to see that. It's not fair that he won't get to. And it's not fair that Sam won't get to know her grandfather who was by far the most amazing man in the world. At least I can hope now Jack is with him and getting to know him.