Ugh

That's all I can give for the title because that describes how I feel today. Tomorrow is lingering. Sean has plans for us. He says to just think about it as being "our day". But all I can think about is Jack. How Jack should be here with me. How I should be happy. How I should be able to finally celebrate a day I was looking forward to. Why has life let me down? Being a mother is something I wanted so badly for so long. It comes so easy to so many people. But not with me. No one will understand. I tried so long and then just when I thought I would be able to have the title, it was taken from me. It pulls so hard at my heart. My mind and heart and body yearn so badly to be known as a mother, a mom, mama, mommy. But instead, I am just a woman who had a stillborn son. I am a woman people are afraid to talk to; who people avoid. I am a pregnant woman who is in fear for her baby's life. I am a woman who is wallowing in self pity because all she wants is to be someone's mother. I am a woman who sees all the mother's day commercials and my eyes just well up with tears. That was supposed to be me. Jack should be here. Jack should be in my arms. I should be his mother!
The sadness begins today. I have crawled back into bed and don't plan on getting out. Unhealthy, I know. But at this point, I don't care....