Today is Christmas Eve. We will be going to dinner at my family's house. My father will be missing. For the past few years, I told Sean: "This could be my last Christmas with Papa" and last year when I said it, I was right. I just wish I cherished it a bit more. I'm sad that he is not here to spend it with us. I am sad that he is not here to see Samantha spend her first Christmas with family. It makes me cry....I am feeling heart ache wishing that he was here. It reminds me of the heart ache I felt when I would close my eyes and wish SO hard that Jack was still with us. But then, I'd open my eyes and realize it would never happen. I know it was time for my father to leave us; I just really wish he could have spent some more time with Sam.
I'm trying so hard to just be happy. I told Sean today that people around me are dying and it is just not worth focusing on the non-important stuff. It's just so hard for me to happy when the people I love are leaving me.
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