I never experienced panic attacks till I lost Jack. Now I'm one of those people. Things easily set me off. My mind, my heart, and my body just can't handle it.
Dealing with my parents stresses me out. My mother gets defensive and angry. That makes me sad and upset which I can't hide and that leads to more anxiety from her. My father is on the decline but who knows how long of a decline. And he can be so difficult. It makes me lose control. Cue: panic attack.
Reading articles about the possibility that it is my fault that Jack died makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me question every little thing I have done. Oh to rewind time. Just one embryo please. Maybe we should have tried more before trying the IVF? I thought the IVF was meant to be. I thought it was going to give us the son we always wanted. Instead, we killed him. Cue: panic attack.
Samantha is 5 weeks away from coming into this world. Whether it be alive or dead is still the question that remains in my head. Could I actually live through another loss of a child? Could Sean? Cue: panic attack.
A piece of me inside will forever be missing. That shine, that light that happened to me when I found out I was pregnant with Jack is gone. And it will forever be missing from my life. I'll never be the same person and I will always miss that true happiness.
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