It's just one of those days

There are the moments when a certain song comes on, I see his name in a random place, or the breeze hits me just right. These are the moments that I get choked up and the tears start to fall. It hits me on random days; days like today. I hear lyrics that make me think of Jack and I remember the raw feelings I felt when he was taken from us. I watch students singing their Christmas songs and playing instruments and I wonder if he would be into music and dancing. I see his name in a book that I am reading to my students and I want to scream and cry because Jack doesn't get to sit on a rug in a kindergarten class and listen to his teacher read to him. I go outside the weather is beautiful and all I can think about is how much I wanted to spend those beautiful days with him. Days like today hurt. They plain hurt. And there is nothing I can do it about it. And I know that I have many morning drives filled with tears. I know that I will have many more days when I will stare at children and think of my son. I have had so much heartache. I have felt so much pain. I have had my heart ripped out and a piece taken from me. And unfortunately, I know I have many more hurtful days ahead of me because Jack is not here with us.

"Dreams, that's where I have to go
To see your beautiful face anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio"

A little bit of a shock

As I had said before, I am VERY proud and honored to be a part of my family. We have a very rich history, an amazing past, and interesting stories. And my father was one of the most integral and interesting parts of that history which makes me even more proud and honored. But anyway, because of our history and lineage, my cousin has been working on our genealogy and family tree. It's an ongoing task that I think he's been doing for a while. Yesterday, I had a bit of a pleasant surprise. He messaged me asking me Jack's information in order to put it in as part of his work on our genealogy. I wrote back writing Jack's full name and his birthday. I then wrote a simple thank you. Moments like that make me happy and are touching. My cousin making sure Jack is part of the family, part of a rich history, and not forgotten moved me more than anyone could imagine. It makes me happy to know that people out there do consider him my son and do consider him worth mentioning. I love that Jack is part of my amazing family and he deserves to be included in everything. 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a time to enjoy family, friends, and yummy food. I like the holiday. I used to really love the holiday. I loved going to Morris and spending time there eating all the great food my aunts would cook. I loved being out there with my cousins just having the time of our innocent lives. I loved spending time in Dunstable. We were so young and naive that the only important thing was getting drunk and having a great time. Those were some of the best times of my life and I miss going there so much. I keep saying how I have to go there, but I really need to actually DO it. After moving to Miami and eventually starting my life with Sean, I spent my Thanksgivings with his family. I do really think they are an amazing family and I do feel lucky to have in laws like them. Now, Thanksgiving is a bit bittersweet. I know I have things I am very thankful for. I listed and described in a previous post. I have such an amazing family that I am honored to be a part of. I have such great childhood memories that I am so grateful for. I have the best support system of friends that I feel so lucky to have. I can only hope that I am as supportive and loving to them as they are to me. I have a husband that still makes me laugh and has picked me up in my darkest times. I have amazing children that have made me the mother I am which is something I have always dreamed about. But Thanksgiving is also a time that brings sadness to my heart and mind. Every holiday, Jack is missing. I am always wishing that he is here with us, but especially during holidays like today, I feel the piece of my heart missing. I get angry and bitter asking the universe how can I be grateful for anything when my son was taken from me. Thanksgiving is now also a memory of my dear, dear father's funeral. This time last year, I was in Poland burying my father. I can't believe it's been a year already and I still can't believe he's gone. I miss him more than I ever thought I would.
But through all the pain and heartache, through all the painful memories, through all the tears, I know I can at least say that do have people and things in my life that I am grateful for.

Thank you.

What a week....

Last week was pretty hard on me. Things piled up relating to my loss and I had a mini breakdown. I had to deal with some stupid remarks. People don't know how to handle the situation, I get that. But I do not understand why some people do not think about what words they use before comparing, relating, or talking about my loss. Yes it's been 2 years and yes people go through heart ache and hard times. But don't think you get what Sean and I have been through. You have no idea until you deliver and hold your dead baby.
Another thing that happened was that I was talking to a student of mine. I know he has one big sister in the school with him. He mentioned having a brother so I asked him how many other sisters and brothers he has. He went on and told me his siblings and said, my mom would have had more babies but she lost one. Ugh... I told him how sad that is and that that happened to me too. I can only picture that Samantha will be asked that question all the time in her future. Will she answer like that? Will she talk about her angel brother?
Then I dealt with family. Oh family. You gotta love them, right? Well you would also think that family knows you best and saw you when you were going through losing your son. Well if that's the case, why are you going to say things about only having one grandson? Or why are you going to tell me that Samantha needs siblings? Rub it in.
Well after dealing with all this, I was out with friends and had to have my mini breakdown in a bathroom. I can't always hold it in. I just can't. I have my moments alone, I talk and cry to Jack, and I have this blog. But sometimes I just have to let it out to someone. Especially someone other than Sean so I can let out the anger and the frustration. I'll tell you this, I'm not the same person and it's still so, so hard. I cry again as I write this....

Here for you

I would like to think that I am there for my friends and family and for the people I care about. I try my hardest to reach out when I feel that it is needed. I like to check in on friends every now and then to make sure their days are going well, especially when they are having a hard time. I would also like to think that I don't compare my situations to theirs. I try to be understanding, I try to be sympathetic, and I try my best to give what I believe to be the best advice I can give. My mother was diagnosed with dementia at 65 years old. She has not "been there" for me since before my wedding day. My father died when I was 31. To me, I would think most people would want their fathers and their children's grandfather around much longer. I have been through the worst experience anyone can go through (in my opinion) and I have survived. And to top it off, I had a serious back surgery. I believe I have had some hard sh*t in my life in the past few years. Correct me if I am wrong, please. However, I do not want to compare my problems and situations with anyone else's. Everyone has their crappy moments and everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. No matter the situation, I want to be there for the people who were there for me. I want to be there for the people who tried to be there for me without saying something negative or just plain idiotic. You don't know how it feels to be in my shoes. Only people who have been through what I have been through can say they UNDERSTAND how I feel. They can't say they KNOW how I feel. Everyone is different. But to my friends, to the people that have been there for me through thick and thin, and who are one of the reasons why I am alive today, I thank you. You were there for me without question, comparison, or judgement. You were understanding and sympathetic without being callous or cruel. The least I can do is be there for you at your hard moments. The one thing that I can say (I have said it before and I will say it again) is that you will be OK. One day, you will wake up and realize that life is going on and you are OK.

Thankful

I am thankful for the family I grew up with. I have amazing parents. I could not have asked for better role models. I had an amazing childhood that I would not have had changed for the world. My mother was always there for me. She was like my friend. My father was the most kindhearted man I know. He would have done anything for his three girls. My sister is always there for me. Yes we have had ups and downs and there were times when we did not agree or get along. But through it all, I know I can count on my sister no matter what. I am thankful for all my cousins and aunts and uncles. I am so proud to say that I am a Grocholski. My family has a great and rich history and it makes me so honored to be a part of it. I have cousins that I consider my best friends. I have cousins that are more like siblings to me.


I am thankful for my friends. I have old friends who I have known for many years and friends who I met and became close to in recent years. But there are the select few that have been there for me, who are there for me, and who I know I can count on in the future. I have learned over the years that not everyone sticks around and you don't always remain friends with people. But there are the select few friends you can count on no matter what. The friends that I have that I know I can believe in are the ones I am most grateful for. Without them and their constant care for me, I would not be where I am today.


I am thankful for Sean. I still have fun with him. I love spending time with him. I continue to get butterflies when he shows up unexpectedly somewhere. Sean and I have been through a lot. We have had drama in the past, we have had our ups and downs, and even more so, we have been through hell and back. And of course, we have been blessed. Through it all, I could not imagine doing it with anyone else. Sean has proven to me that he is the one person I want and need in my life until the end. Sean is the father to my children that I always imagined him to be. It gives me such joy to watch him with Samantha and it gives me such pride to listen to him talk about Jack.


I am thankful for Samantha. I am in awe every single day at her beauty and how smart she is. She has an amazing spirit. She has the ability to make me smile even on my darkest days. She has brought hope back into our lives and I can honestly say she was worth waiting for. Sean and I are blessed and we are grateful that our daughter is so easy going, so happy, and so intelligent. We are overwhelmed with how wonderful she is. I am so thankful everyday for my Samantha, my daughter, my rainbow baby, my miracle.


I am thankful for Jack. My first child, my son, my baby who made me a mother. Being pregnant with Jack made me so happy. It gave me hope and reason that my life had turned around after dealing with infertility. I had never felt such happiness and love in my entire life. I was finally pregnant and I was finally a mother. It was a feeling I had wanted for so long, and my son, Jack, was the reason why I finally felt that. The love I felt for Jack as he was inside of me and the love I feel for Jack now make the person I am today. Losing Jack was the hardest thing I have ever been through but it has made me the person I am today as well. It also makes me realize how short our lives are and how much we need to express our love and gratitude.


We should show appreciation often because you never know. But if not everyday, let this month of November help you take time to thank the people in your lives and realize all the little things that you should be grateful for. If only I could have held Jack a little longer and told him thank you. If only I could have let my father know how much I appreciated his kindness and love. If only my mother could understand how much I appreciated our relationship as I grew up. These are things I may not be able to do, but I will kiss Samantha a few more times this month. I will tell Sean "I love you" more often. I will reach out to my sister more just to say hi. I will let my friends know how much they mean to me. My life has been one hell of a roller coaster and I know the bumps and loops are not over, but I also do have a lot of ups in my life and for those, I am truly grateful.

Children

My Samantha is amazing. She puts a smile on my face. When she gives me hugs, my heart literally skips a beat. As I watch her play or look at a book, I can't help but be proud. I appreciate her, I am grateful for having a daughter like her, and I will always believe that she is a miracle. So people may wonder and think that I should just be grateful for her and that should help me with my sadness about Jack. Think about that for a second. Which of your children would you choose to live without? No one should live without any of their children. No one should lose a child. It is painful, it sucks, and it makes me cry to this day. Samantha makes the days a little bit easier and she helps me live my life with love and for my family. But I miss my Jack. And I hate that I can't just see him one more time. 

Goodnight, Jack day 753.

As I lay Samantha to sleep (which is very rare these days because of my back), I let her know you are watching over her. You are her big brother, her guardian angel, and I am so grateful of that. But, my darling boy, I wish you were her with us. We lost you 753 days ago. I can't believe it still. I can't believe that day happened and I can't believe how long it's been.

Goodnight, sweet prince. I would cradle you in my arms, hold you on my lap, and give you sweet kisses while taking in every whiff of scent that I can. We miss you. You are forever in our hearts. I hope that where you are your dreams are sweet and you are being watched over just as you are watching over us. I love you, my son. I love you more than words can describe. I hope you can sense the feelings and emotions that get lodged in my throat, that turn my stomach into knots, that tear my heart into pieces, and that bring tears into my eyes.

Goodnight, my beautiful baby boy. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Daddy's Little Girl

Since starting working and because of my back surgery, Sean has spent a lot more time one on one with Samantha. He's head over heels in love with his daughter. I can see it. I can hear it. It's obvious. He asks her for kisses. He loves getting hugs from her. He tells her he loves her all the time, he enjoys spending every morning with her, and he loves taking her to daycare. He is so proud of her. Watching Sean be the father I knew he would be is amazing. It makes me fall in love with him all over again. And then I see how she is with him. She used to be ALL about me. She wouldn't leave my side and she cried every time I left her behind, even with Sean. Now, she runs to him, hugs him, and follows him around. Daddy is her number one guy. Hands down.
I remember when Sean was scared to have a baby. He was hesitant when we started trying. He didn't know how he would handle a teeny tiny baby, the diapers, the crying, the tantrums. When we lost Jack, he was the first to say that he wanted to do everything possible in order to try for another baby. He said if it was a test, he knew then that he really did want to be a father. When I surprisingly got pregnant with Samantha, he again was scared. I mean, who wouldn't be? We lost a baby only a few months before. When he heard we were having a girl, I could tell he was a little bummed. He wanted a son so badly, especially after Jack. Then Samantha came into our lives. He fell in love with her in an instant and he became the daddy I knew he would be. He was a natural.
Now, as Samantha grows up so fast, I see that Sean is enjoying her every single day. And he still has so many more moments to look forward to because he can't wait for her to get older to do more and more with him.
I love my family. I love my husband and our daughter. There is no doubt about that. However, our little family is missing a huge piece. Jack is forever in our hearts and his memory will live on forever. I wish I could say I could not ask for more. But I can. I can ask for my son back. But I can at least the love Sean, Samantha, and I share helps us get through the darkest days.

What a Difference

Two years ago, yesterday, I was a mess. I didn't think I could face the world. I wanted to curl up into a ball and join my son. Two years ago, on October 15th, my son was supposed to be born into this world, crying, screaming, alive. Instead, 2 weeks earlier, we found out he was gone. Instead, 2 years ago on October 15th, we planted a tree in his memory. I was crying, I was miserable, I just wanted to be with him.

This year, I have my daughter to keep me smiling and to keep me going. This year, I remember Jack with the fondest of memories and all I do is try to keep his memory alive. I miss you, my sweet baby boy. Every year I will look back on the days of the month of October and only think of you; no matter how much time passes.

Frustration, frustration, frustration

I have seen my surgeon for a followup visit, I have scheduled physical therapy, and I go back to work tomorrow.  Time is going forward and hopefully progress in my recovery will begin. BUT for another 6 weeks, I can't drive, I can't bend down, and I can't lift anything more than 10 pounds. Take one guess of something that weighs about 25 pounds. That would be my darling daughter, Samantha. And that means: I can't lift her, I can't swoop her up and give her hugs and kisses, and I can't help with things like bathing or putting her to bed. Sure I have time off from doing housework and changing diapers, but it also means I have to take time off from doing what I love to do the most; taking care of my baby girl. This past weekend, I was literally pissed at myself and my body because I wasn't at Rocky Lake spending Jack's birthday weekend with him. I thought of myself as a bad mommy. And now, I am just purely frustrated with my body because I can't be the mommy I'm supposed to be with Samantha. At least not for a few weeks. And do NOT get me started on the part about not being able to drive. You NEED to drive in Miami. You can't get around Miami without a car.

Ok. Enough complaining. I'm grateful I'm in the recovery process. I'm grateful that hopefully I won't have severe back pain like I used to. I am just beyond frustrated with the process.

The tears have kicked in....

My dearest, Jack. Yesterday was your 2nd birthday and we spent the night with friends celebrating you. We lit 2 lanterns and sent them to the heavens to signify your angelversary. This weekend we were supposed to spend with you at Rocky Lake. I was supposed to set off butterflies in your memory. I was supposed to sit on the dock and be able to talk to you. We were supposed to be able to be with you on your birthday weekend. Instead, your mother had to get hurt and now your family is not able to go and be with you where you are laid on a weekend that is supposed to be spent with you. I am so sorry. I wish so badly I was going up there to be with you. It's killing me that I can't. It's hurting me more than I thought it would. Just please know that where ever I am, you are in my mind and in my heart. And please know that if I could, I would be up there with you. I would be talking to you and spending time with you. I am so sorry. I love you, my two year old boy.

Two Years

2 years ago I went in for a routine checkup with my OB. 2 years ago, we couldn't find a heart beat. 2 years ago, I saw Jack's lifeless body and flat line on the ultrasound. They say time heals all wounds, but I disagree. Time may make the memory feel more distant, and it may make it easier for the days to go by. However, time does not heal the wound of a heart break. My heart will always be missing a huge piece. Jack's absence will always, always be there, and no time, nothing anyone could do or say can fix that. My first child, my son, my baby boy is missing from my life. He's supposed to be a happy 2 year old boy walking around our house and showing us all the new things he's learning. He's supposed to be learning new words and possibly saying his ABC's. He's supposed to be learning how to do things in the garage with his daddy. He's supposed to be giving his mommy hugs and kisses. Instead, Jack's memory is in our minds and in our hearts. Our friends and family continue to celebrate his memory through prayer, through thoughts, and through butterfly sightings.

Tonight, we will light 2 lanterns to signify the 2 years that our angel baby is in heaven. We hope that he is watching from above and that he knows how much he is loved and thought of. He is not forgotten. His memory will live forever through us and his sister will know all about him.

I love you, Jack. I think of you all the time. Happy 2nd birthday in heaven, my sweet prince.

And another hospital visit

So I am in the hospital due to back surgery. I really can't catch a break. I can't believe that my back issues have led me to actually get surgery. A surgery I never wanted nor expected to get. But the doctor said it was necessary. That I am way past physical therapy and cortisone shots. I had an extremely big herniated disc. The doctor and his assistant were both surprised that I wasn't cringing in pain just laying in the bed.
Well, so I went in for surgery yesterday. I was alone in the pre-op room just waiting for my turn. I had to wait about an hour. And I must admit, I was quite scared. I'm not one to scare easily. I have faith in our doctors and nurses. I have faith that I was getting the best treatment. But then there is that thought "what if?". I mean, I had a healthy, beautiful baby boy that was taken from me for absolutely no reason, so how do I know if I would make it through a routine procedure? I have a lot more anxiety since I lost Jack. So during most of the time in pre-op, I had tears running down my face. All I could do was hope that I would make it back to Samantha and Sean safe and sound. And I did. I am in pain, I have a numb foot that I can barely move, I am scared sh*tless that I will never walk normal again because of the foot, but I am here. I am able to see my daughter again. And I miss her! I haven't seen her since yesterday afternoon and it's KILLING me. Hopefully I will be going home today.

Please keep positive thoughts heading my way that I will recover.

One Year

It's been one year since we said good bye to my father. My amazing, sweet father. My father who I miss more than I ever thought I would. My father was one of the most amazing people in the world. He was kind. He was gentle. Anyone who met him thought so and anyone who met him is lucky. I wish I did not take him for granted. I wish that I spent more time with him. I wish that I could take away some of the feelings I felt like the annoyance or the frustration. I wish that I could have at least spent one more day with him.

Now that I have Samantha and she has become the person she is today, I miss my father even more. I wish he could see her walk and hear her talk. I wish he could see her personality. I could ONLY imagine how in love with her he would be. I would give anything to watch him with her at this stage in her life.

I really hope that heaven is real. I really hope that Papa is with Jack and watching over us. It's been one year and I still can not believe that he is gone. Tears fill my eyes as I think of how much I miss my father. I love you, Papo.

Hi ho, hi ho..... it's back to work I go!

Well, after a year of being pretty much a stay at home mom, I have officially been hired to be a full time kindergarten teacher. When I found out from the principal, I cried tears of joy. And shock! Thanks to my darling friend, Jen, this is actually happening. I am beginning a new journey. Entries on my blog will now include my experiences as a teacher. A teacher! I can't believe I can finally say that without the word "substitute" in front of it. I'm excited, I'm nervous, and I'm already broke. I've spent so much money getting stuff for my classroom! LOL.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend a year at home with Samantha. I know many people don't or can't do that. It pains me that I have to leave her behind throughout the day. It pains me that she and I won't be able to spend every second together or even as much time as recently. But mommy is setting a great example. She's working! And now I continue to be grateful that my hours won't be too late, I will have holidays and summers off, and I will be able to have the same schedule as Samantha when she is eventually in school.

Well, wish me luck... I hope that my teaching journey (which should begin on Monday) is nice and smooth and as fulfilling as I expect it to be. I'm sure it will be!

Birthday cards

 

And Publix sent Jack his 2 year old birthday card today. People ask if they want them to contact them so they stop sending them to me. Yes it hurts, yes it stings, and yes it brings a tear to my eye. However, I don't want them to stop coming. Jack should still get the happy birthdays even if it is just from a supermarket. I just can't believe his 2 year birthday in heaven is so soon. But I am looking forward to celebrating my baby boy....

Toot! Toot!

Can I just toot my own horn? Just this once? My blog is usually about sad things or negative things, but I would like to say something positive... I have been through two back to back pregnancies that have done a NUMBER on my body. I have been in a long depression that has not only taken a toll on my mind and heart, but also affected my body. In January of this year, I knew something had to be done. The pain and suffering I feel because of Jack is enough for me to deal with and I knew that is something I could not change. However, being unhappy with the way I looked was something that I could change. Sure the depression was a struggle and didn't help me overcome any of my battles. But I needed to be happier with myself so I went to Jenny Craig and I eventually started to work out. Since January of 2013, I have lost 38 pounds. That's almost 40 pounds! Yes I have a lot more work to go. The damn baby belly is the hardest part to get rid of especially after a C-section (don't get me started on that again...), and I would love to lose at least another 20 pounds. But I am proud of myself. I am happy to say that I did lose that much weight. I definitely feel better about myself and that makes at least that part of my life more positive. I am motivated to keep going! 20 more pounds to go and then I will at least be a lot more confident in myself.

Not something I wanted to share

A moment that I have dreaded happening has happened. A dear friend of mine has suffered a miscarriage. Hearing her story brought back a lot of memories back to the surface and of course a lot of emotions. But when it comes down to it, I want her to know that she is not alone in this. She admitted to having her hopes high, she admitted to picking a name, and she had already told everyone that she was expecting a baby to be due in April. One in four women suffer a pregnancy loss, so I guess it's bound to happen that one of my girlfriends would share in such a tragedy with me. But I never, ever, ever wish it upon them. If I could take away her pain and raw emotion and just blend it with mine that already exists, I would. If I could make her realize that one day, she will be ok again, I would. Right away, I told her that her peanut will be in heaven with Jack. Her little angel will join mine. I wish I didn't have to say those words to anyone (EVER) but I hope that at least that will give some sort of hope that our angel babies (just like the ones that are here with us) will be playing together.
I wish I could ask God, or any other higher beings, to not let any other friends or family of mine to suffer the pain. It's not fair, it sucks, and it should not happen. I am back to being bitter about life. This shouldn't happen to the people we love.

Group Angel

Everyone has issues and problems in life. Everyone goes through problems with friends, significant others, or family, surgeries, heartbreak, loss, or whatever else. And a lot of these people are friends of mine, and hey, even me. I would like to think that when a friend or a family member sees a butterfly fly by during these hard times, they realize that my little Jack is watching over them. My Jack Jack is watching over us as we go through life and go through the times in our lives when we are most confused or most hurt or in most need of a guardian angel. I know Jack is watching over Sean and me and of course Samantha. I felt Jack with us in the room when we delivered Samantha. And I know he will be watching over his little sister for the rest of her life. He will always make sure she is ok. Every time she sees a butterfly, I will let her know that her angel brother is there for her. But not only do I feel like he's there for his parents and sister, I feel like he is there for all those in my life that are special to us. The people who have been there for us. The people that loved him like we did even though they didn't get to meet him. The people that cried for his loss just like we did. The people who's heart broke because they were not able to see and hold such an amazingly beautiful baby boy. So to those of you, and I know you know who you are, that see that butterfly or feel that little extra sunshine, please know that Jack is there for you. When I know you need it most, I ask my beautiful angel baby to watch over you. Every night when I lay Samantha to bed, I tell Jack to watch over her and I say goodnight to both my children. Jack will always be the beautiful guardian angel that is watching over us that most people can only dream of. And Sean and I (and some other friends and family) got to actually meet and touch that angel. I feel so honored to say that.  Thank you for coming into our lives, Jack. And please watch over us. I love you.

When?????

Ugh!! Samantha still has not adjusted to daycare. She still cries when I drop her off and when I pick her up, she's crying as she is brought to the door. Yes, the lady says she does well. She plays well with the other kids, she doesn't cry all day, and she says she is a very good baby. But why is it still so hard??? I thought Samantha would adjust faster. I thought by now, I would be able to drop her off and she would go to daycare easily. Nope... She still wants her mommy. It's more painful than I ever thought it would be. I just can't wait for her to be used to it and know that I will always come back for her. When that happens, it will be easier on everyone! 

And so it begins....

Soooo Samantha is sick. LOL. Yes, after only a few days in daycare, my daughter had a fever and now has a cold. Maybe it was from her birthday party or from my friends' kids who are sick, but I HATE seeing her like this. All she wants is me, she sounds terrible, and she is so cranky. I know, I know, it's first of MANY colds to come, but it's still heartbreaking. I just want her to be healthy and happy and right now she is complete opposite. She's still the amazing Samantha who will push through and give us a smile or a kiss, but I can see (and hear) she is suffering.
She still has not adjusted to the daycare. She still cries when I drop her off. However, the lady says that she is doing very well and plays well with the kids. That makes me happy. I just can't wait to be able to drop her off without her breaking my heart with her cries for "Mama".

It's so funny how I used to even roll my eyes at my friends and family who were moms complaining about dropping kids off at daycare or school. I thought to myself, "I won't be like that". I thought that it would be easy. I thought since it's good for them, I would be ok with it. Ohhhhh was that the farthest from the truth. It's so, so hard. It breaks my heart everyday. I hate seeing her cry. And I hate not being with her every second of everyday. But I know it's best for her. I know she needs it. And I know I need it too.

So to all you mothers out there who haven't dropped your baby off yet, it's hard. It's freaking hard! But just remember, it's harder on you than on them!

Daycare

This morning, at 8:30 AM, I dropped Samantha off at daycare for the first time. Yes, I have been through a lot in the past few years. I have seen hell. I have experienced death and heart ache. Yet, today was hard on me. Very, very hard. My baby girl is one year old and it's time for her to be separated from mommy for a few hours a day. And it's time for her to socialize with other children and learn to share. But leaving her there was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Samantha is at my leg asking to be picked up. She is not in my ear saying "mama". She is not completely dependent on ME today. I miss her a lot. I miss having her follow me around. I miss watching her play. I miss hearing her voice. I miss being able to hug and kiss her whenever I want to. And I am watching the clock constantly. I can not wait to pick her up!!! And yet, this is the first of many times that I will cringe and cry because I realize that my baby girl is growing up. It's the first of many times that she will not be with me constantly. And it's the first of many times that I will be leaving her at daycare or at school.

Time to have another one they say. In a perfect world, that would be the situation. I would have 10 if I could. Money is an issue. If you didn't realize, babies and kids cost money. And of course, the main concern... Can Sean and I even have anymore kids? Maybe one day. Maybe in the future. Maybe we will have another miracle. But for now, I am enjoying my daughter. I am still learning. I am still focusing everything I have on her.

Let's just hope these daycare days get easier!!!

My birthday girl

Well, the day has come and gone. My daughter has turned one year old. Did she notice when I sang her happy birthday this morning? Did she realize her shirt that she wore all day said "birthday girl"? Nope. Probably not. But I sure did. This has been one hell of a year. It's been amazing. It has taught me so much. It has been filled with so many memories.
Samantha's existence has shown me how important life is. She is the reason why I am alive. She is the reason why I get up in the morning. She is the reason why, even after losing Jack, I had to keep going. 
Having Samantha has caused Sean and me to have fights. Having Samantha has taken away from our alone times. But most importantly, our daughter has taught us to love each other more because of the love we have for her. We know that we need to be ok and to be strong in our love for her. We know that we have to set an example for her.

It's been an amazing year and I know we have many, many more to come. And I have learned that I need to cherish every moment of everyday of every week. I can't wait to see all her new developments and firsts. I can't wait to do more with her. I can't wait to see what her personality develops into.

Happy 1st birthday, my beautiful girl. I love you very much.

One Year

Tomorrow, Samantha will be one year old. I can not believe how fast time has gone. I remember hearing parents say, "kids grow up so fast" or "cherish every single moment before it's too late". I never really understood what they meant until now. I would like to think that Sean and I did the most this first year with Samantha. We have tried to make lots of memories with her, we have let her experience many firsts, and we have tried to document everything in her book. I would like to think she had a pretty good first year. She has been boating, she has been airboating, she loves the water, she's been out in the mud, and she's been to France! Today, I will spend the last day of her being less than one with her. These are the last days of her being a baby. The last days before she goes off to daycare. The last days that I can hold her and squeeze her. The last days when she is completely dependent on me.

I remember last year. It seems so far away. I was waiting in anticipation to meet my baby girl. I was afraid of losing her. I was afraid I would give birth to silent baby again. But I am grateful to say that I remember her cries vividly. I cried with joy looking at Sean saying: "she's crying. She's ok!" Then, as I was being sewed back up, I was given my beautiful baby girl to hold. Tears streamed down my face. I never experienced such relief and gratitude and joy and sadness all balled into one great big emotion.
First time I met my baby girl and got to hold her:

I love you, Samantha. I have loved you before I met you and I will love you forever and ever. You are the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You are a miracle for your father and me. You are our rainbow baby. You are our loving daughter. Thank you for coming into our lives. Thank you for showing us love that we never thought possible. Happy 1st birthday.

Jack's Story

My beautiful boy's story on the Return to Zero blog....

http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/?p=1275

Happy Birthday, Papo

To my dearest father in heaven, I wish a happy birthday. Our first birthday of yours without you with us. I miss you more than you will ever know and more than I ever thought I would. Especially now, because of Samantha. You were an amazing man that everyone loved and said such great things about. While we were in France, people would praise you and your loving spirit. You are missed by so many people. I hope you are in heaven celebrating this day with all our other family members who have passed. I hope you are with your parents who you missed so dearly. I hope you are with all the aunts and uncles that have gone before you. And the friends like Konrad who I know you loved. And finally, I hope you are with Jack and he is able to spend your birthday with you since we are not able to. I love you, Papo. I think of you everyday but I will think of you the most today. I will take Samantha to church today so we can light a candle and pray for you. Sciskam i kocham cie.

Taking Flight

I have flown on a plane many, many times. I have flown more times than I can remember. I have flown to Europe more times than I can remember. But tomorrow, for the first time, I will be flying to Europe with my 11 month old daughter. And you know what? I'm scared sh**less. My anxiety levels are through the roof so much so that I have been losing sleep for the past few days. As I have gotten older, I get more nervous about flying. And now that I am flying with my daughter, I am even more nervous. I know nothing will happen. I know we will be fine. But I could not imagine Sean being left behind. I wish he was coming. Hey, if we are going down, might as well do it together.
All irrational fears put aside, I am just purely scared about Samantha being on the plane as well. Is she going to be THAT baby that cries and cries for the whole flight? Is she going to wiggling and trying to break free of my arms and lap? Hopefully all the research on Pinterest and other blogs will help me get through the 9 hour flight. I just want to be there. I just want to skip the flight and be there already.
Fingers crossed that my darling baby girl behaves!!!!! Wish us luck and hope for a safe flight!

Appreciation

As my daughter nears her first birthday (where has the time gone???), I look at her and my life and am learning to appreciate things. Sure, I'm still bitter and negative. Sure, I still think life is unfair and cruel. But there are the things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful for the material things that Sean and I have. We are able to have fun and make memories because we have certain "toys". We get to do stuff that we enjoy to do like boating or riding on four wheelers. I am grateful for the roof over our heads. We may not be homeowners, but I truly feel like the house we live in is our home and I would not mind growing old in this house.
I am grateful for my friends and family. They have been there for me through thick and thin. Tough times call for desperate measures, and I can honestly, truly say that a lot of the people in my life have been there for me through A LOT. I could not imagine how things would have gone if we didn't have certain people in our lives. Having people to count on is something that I hope everyone can say they have. It's a real blessing.
I am grateful for my husband. We have our ups and downs. We have our fights. We have had our doubts. We have gone through the hardest heartbreak that anyone could go through. I can truly say that I don't want to live without him. I could not imagine my life without him; even with the downs. He has seen me at my worst, he has been there for me through everything that I have been through especially recently, and when it comes down to it, I don't know where I would be without him. And he is an amazing father which makes me love him anymore.
I am grateful for Jack. He made me a mom. He made me the mother I am today. He taught me that life is short and that we need to appreciate things and not sweat the small stuff. He taught Sean and I how much we need each other. I am grateful to have a son. I am grateful that I have a picture of him that I can look at everyday. I am grateful that we were able to spread his ashes in a place that Sean and I both love and where we can visit him since we did not bury him. I am grateful that when I saw him, I could say I saw an angel.
I am grateful for my darling baby girl, Samantha. She is the smartest, most beautiful baby. I watch her in awe everyday. As I look at her, I can honestly say that she is why I am meant to be alive today. I am grateful for her ability to make me smile no matter how bad my day is going. I am grateful for her facial expressions and her laugh. I am grateful that I can see my father in her. She is the most extraordinary thing that has happened to Sean and me. She is our miracle and she amazes me every single day.

The days are still hard. I still question my life. And I am still mourning the loss of my son. But there are things in my life that I really do appreciate. All the things and experiences that I have had and still have in my life teach me that. I will never be the same because of losing Jack, but I still do appreciate the important things in my life.

Can I just add....

Look how beautiful my babies are. I just sat and stared at these two pictures side by side for a good 15 minutes. I compared their lips, their noses, their eyes. Each of them so beautiful in their own way. Ugh, I want to SCREAM so loud: "WHY DIDN'T SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BOY MAKE IT IN THIS WORLD??" How is that fair? I am so proud to say that each of my babies is the most beautiful and precious I have ever seen.

A letter to heaven

My dearest Jack,

How are things up in heaven? I hope you and Dziadzo are together and he is holding you. Did he tell you how much I miss you? Did he tell you how amazing your sister is?

I just wanted to let you know how much you are missed and I wanted to let you know that I think of you all the time. Your name and your face never escape my mind or heart. People have moved on and don't mention your name as much anymore, but no matter how much time passes, your mommy will always be thinking of you. Even if I don't say your name or talk about you, I still have you on my mind and in my heart. You have changed my life forever. You were the most amazing thing that could have happened to me. And I want you to always remember that.

I wonder what you look like. I wonder how you would have developed. Do you see that your sister is already walking? Can you believe she is going to be one in a month? Time has gone by so fast. And I'm so scared the time is taking you further away from me. People may expect me to be over you already, but that's not true. I am still mourning you, my prince. You will ALWAYS be on my mind. Whether it's 2 years, 10 years, or 30 years. I will always wonder what you would be doing, what you would be like, and why you are not with us.

I love you, Jack. I hope you can see us. I hope you are actually watching over us. And I do hope I get to see you again someday.

Love,
Mommy

Life

People go through life with so many ups and downs. There are so many phases that we have to go through. I have been through hell and I feel like I'm still there. I try so hard to at least attempt to move on or get my mind off what we have been through, but it just doesn't seem to work. And it seems to take a toll on my life, my relationships, my outlook on things, and just everything in general. I have to learn to accept that losing Jack has forever changed me and everything to do with my life. I will never be the same person with the same values or the same beliefs. I will never be truly happy. And when I ever do feel an ounce of freedom from the pure sadness, something triggers me back to Jack. Samantha has brought me pure joy and bliss. She has comforted me more than she even knows. I could not imagine my life without her. I could not imagine what I would be like. Thank you, Samantha. Thank you. I don't know where I would be without you.

Alternate universe

I imagine a world if Jack had made it. He would be almost two now. He would be running around the house. I would have had him in daycare by now and had some sort of job. Jack would probably be saying some sort of words. There would be pictures of Jack all around the house. We would be filled with joy and love. We would still be naively happy and oblivious to the infant loss world. Sean would have a son to take under his wing. He would be showing him things in the garage. He would be taking him fishing and the other many activities that he wanted to do with his son. Maybe we would be considering another baby by now. 

There would be no tree planted in our front yard in Jack's memory. Our hearts would not have had been broken. We wouldn't be so bitter or angry with life. There would be no shelf in the living room with a dead baby's picture and an urn. There would be no tears of constant sadness on a day to day basis. But there would be no Samantha....

Dreary Day.

The sky is grey and the rain is falling. Samantha and I are spending the day indoors. I look at your picture and wish you were here with us. I wish you were sitting on the rug with her and playing with her. I wish I could see you two side by side. I would love to see you be the big brother to her that you should be. Instead, you are her guardian angel. On rainy days like today, I get sad. Sadder than usual. My heart hurts, my eyes fill with tears, and my throat tightens up. I hope you are looking down at us and know that we miss you every single day. I hope you are looking down at us and feel the love that we have for you. Please, please, please realize that we never forgot you and never will forget you. You brought so much joy and love into our lives and when you were taken so soon, our hearts broke and they will never be repaired. We became a stronger family because of you. Your father and I fell more in love because of you. We appreciate life and family so much more because of you. We are so much more grateful for your sister because of you. Thank you, my son, for all that you have done for us. And I hope that you do realize how much you have done and that we are grateful. You are ALWAYS in our hearts and on our minds. You are and forever will be our first baby. Our son. I love you, Jack. I miss you, Jack.

Can I please go back???

I had a dream last night that I delivered Jack how I should have. How he deserved. I woke up and wished it was true, but it wasn't. I wish so much that I could turn back time and do it all over again. In my dream, my doctor convinced me to do it naturally. He warned me that I shouldn't do a C-section. I do remember his hesitation when I said I just want him out. I said, "I just want this to be a surgery that I can put behind me". Why? Why the hell did I think like that? Jack wasn't just a surgery that I should have put behind me. He is my son and he deserved to be delivered the way he was supposed to be. I want to scream and pound my head against a wall. I want to be able to go back and FIX this. I would love to go back and save my son from dying. I would love to be more careful and realize that he wasn't moving sooner. I would love to go back and monitor him better. But if I could just go back and give birth to him naturally, I would greatly appreciate at least that. Please?

I remember when...

As I was driving today, some song came on that reminded me of the time when Sean and I were dealing with infertility. Before Samantha, before Jack... It was such a bumpy road. It was filled with negative signs, tears, and disappointment. I remember how jealous I felt. I was even jealous of my mother's dog who got pregnant. I cried every time my period came because I hoped that THAT would be month that I was finally pregnant. I cried every time I saw a minus sign instead of a plus. I got mad because I became a professional at reading an ovulation stick and calendar. I remember the breaking of my heart when I heard the word of diagnosis: infertile.

It seems so long ago that all this happened and I felt all these feelings. It's such a difficult journey to be on and again, something that I do not wish upon anyone. But our little miracles did happen. After a long and difficult road of infertility, we were blessed with our baby Jack. Our IVF miracle. Our lucky draw. Our beautiful baby boy that we were blessed with after years of trying. That's why I still and will never believe or fathom WHY he would be taken from us. What the heck did Sean and I do to deserve to have him taken from us after we had already been put through hell and back? How is that fair? We struggled so long to finally become pregnant with him, and then poof, he's gone. But now, we are blessed with a beautiful baby girl who I look at everyday and am SO grateful for. I appreciate her every single day. I love seeing her face everyday. I can watch her for hours. She is our miracle baby. I love her so much.

Time flying once again

It's almost July. I can't believe it. Before we know it, Samantha will be 1 and before we know it, Jack will be 2. I want to pause things for just a little bit. I want to have Jack's memory more fresh and I want Samantha to stay small just a little longer. As a mom, I really do comprehend how fast years go by. It seems like yesterday that I was holding Jack and then holding Samantha.

October not only marks Jack's birthday; it also marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness. A group I have on Facebook is doing a hot air balloon ride and releasing heart shaped, plantable confetti with names on them. I added Jack to that list of over 200 babies. I like to remember my baby boy in any way and in as many ways as possible. I think this is a beautiful way....

2013 Remembrance

Stillbirthday’s second annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance event will be a hot air balloon ride, on Friday, October 4, at approximately 4pm.

25 Years of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

On Sean's behalf

Father's Day has come and gone. Sean got texts and calls from people like I did for Mother's Day. And he got the one like me "happy first father's day". He muttered under his breath: it's not my first father's day. He knows that, I know that, Jack knows that. Sometimes I think it's so much harder for Sean. Well, let's say different. He is the guy. He is the one who is supposed to be strong. He is the one who isn't supposed to break down and cry. But one memory that will ALWAYS stay with me is when we poured Jack's ashes at Rocky Lake among all our friends, even the guys, Sean was crying. He was crying a lot. His heart has been broken just like mine has but not as many people realize that because he doesn't have a blog or the ability to talk to others. But he hurts too. Happy Father's Day to my husband and the father of my children.

Shower with a chance of thunder and lightening

Ohhhh, baby showers. I used to love them. I used to think they were so cute and they made me so happy. My baby shower for Jack was something I was so excited about, it made me so happy, and I was thrilled to finally celebrate MY pregnancy and MY baby. But then my world came crashing down and I lost the baby I was so excited to celebrate. And I had a bunch of gifts in an empty room.
Now baby showers just scare me. But this is the one feeling I AM trying to get over. Girls (and guys) should celebrate their pregnancy and be happy for themselves. And of course get lots of gifts. I want to be able to celebrate my friends' pregnancies and take part in the event. I want to be able to plan showers for my friends that were there for mine. I want to help them be excited that they are about to experience the most amazing thing in the world: motherhood. Of course the fear strikes. What if? And that fear will always be there, but happiness has to be there too. And to me, baby showers used to do that. Sure I may not go to every baby shower I'm invited to. I may not go to every shower of people that I am not very close to so I don't have to put myself through possible misery. Especially if it's for a boy. But I want to be able to celebrate friends' babies. And the memories I have of Jack from my baby shower were only good ones. I was so happy. I was so in love with him. And I need to embrace those memories. Jack, just know that no one will ever replace you and no matter what I do, whether it's a smile or a laugh or an "oh and ah" at a baby shower, you are the one who will be on my mind.

Movie

Well I did it. Thanks to help from friends and family, I made the donation. I got more than half what I needed and I could not be happier! So now I wait for confirmation and Jack's name will be in the credits of the movie. I really hope this movie makes it and I can see his name on the screen. I want to take every opportunity I have in order for his name to be "out there". I try to take every opportunity so that our story about Jack can be heard. I want his name to be part of something this important. It will be so amazing and I can only hope that it will actually happen. It will be so hard to watch the movie, but it's so important and I want people to watch it. Let's break the silence.

Donations

So for the Return to Zero movie, there is a part where you can donate at least $250.00 in order to put the name of the baby lost in the section called "In Memory of..." in the credits of the movie. I would feel so touched to see Jack's name on the big screen. Or even the small screen. And to be part of this movie, which to me, is such a big deal. My darling cousin put together an email that we sent to some people. I felt pretty pushy and annoying doing it, but it's very important to me, and I do believe that a lot of people in my life would love to be part of the reason why his name is in the credits. So first of all, thank you, Ania, for motivating me and for doing the email. And thank you to all those who donated. And here is the link to PayPal in case any one here wants to donate:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=77ANE3D8QJBQ6

 

Some words for how I feel

Here are other people's words that help me express just a little bit how I feel on a day to day basis.


Life will never be the same for Sean and me. No matter how many more children we have, no matter how great our marriage is, no matter how many days pass, our lives have changed forever.

Jack will always be my son. And he is my first child. When I became pregnant with him, I became a mother for the first time. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I am so grateful for that. Thanks to him, I was able to finally fulfill the role of a lifetime. The role that I have always wanted.  A mom. Being pregnant with Jack was the most amazing time. I was so happy. It was a miracle. And I will never forget that. And the fact that Jack made me a mom for the first time will never, ever change.

When Jack was taken from us, my heart broke. But it was also filled with so many different raw emotions. It was a feeling that I could never describe. It's a feeling that if you have not dealt with such a devastating loss, you would not understand. It literally feels like a stabbing feeling that has never gone away. It made my world feel like it was shattering all around me. It has completely changed me a person. And I will never be able to forget the horrible experience of losing my first child.

One of the things that will stick with me, and I'm sure Sean as well, is how people reacted to our loss. Our friends and family were amazing and there for us. People who we never expected to reach out did. We had so much love and support. However, there are the select few people who didn't know what to say. Maybe because they didn't know how to react to such a devastating situation or maybe they're just dumb. But some of the words that I heard were just hurtful.

No, you don't know how we feel. No, God did not want my baby more than me. Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be. Don't tell me I can just have other children. Don't tell me he's in a better place. None of those words help because none of them made me feel better nor did they bring my son back. 

The question that will ALWAYS be on my mind and in my heart is WHY?? Why the hell did that happen to us? Why was Jack dead? Why did his heart stop? Why did he stop breathing? Why did that have to happen to us? Why couldn't he just come back? Why didn't I notice something was wrong? Why did it happen? Why, why, why? And the why that I now also live with is: Why did I not choose a natural birth? Why did I have to choose a C-section?

Why can't we travel back in time and change things????

Jack, my son. Jack, my prince. Tears stream down my face as I think of you. The heartache I feel for you is something that I will feel for the rest of my life. The heartache of missing you is something that I can not put into words. I want to be able to hold you and comfort you, my baby. I wish I could see you one more time. You are such a beautiful baby and the world is missing out on such an amazing face. You would have been an amazing person in this ugly world. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for the experiences that we shared. Thank you for bringing us your baby sister. Thank you for watching over us everyday making sure that we are ok. You are Samantha's angel and I am so grateful for that. I hope you are with Dziadzo and you two are able to hug and smile. I hope that he is able to hold you and tell you how much I love you and how painful it was for me to let you go. I love you, Jack. I miss you, Jack. And I am always thinking of you. I cry for you everyday. Kocham cie bardzo.

Remember

Days pass that Jack's name or even existence don't get mentioned. Even between Sean and me. Of course, he's always in our thoughts and we carry him in our hearts, but the time has come when his name does not escape our mouths every single day. There are people in my life that still acknowledge what we went through. People think they shouldn't bring him up or that maybe we have moved on so why touch on such a sore subject. They don't want to hurt us or worse, they have forgotten that we do have a son. That hurts. Please remember that Jack exists and that we have a son. I am not happy to say that I have had a stillborn son but I am proud to say that my son was still born. I have that one regret in life that I know I don't have to mention again, but I never, ever regret Jack. I would not take back that experience. I would not give up the pregnancy I had with him and the moments we shared together. Jack was a miracle that was taken away too soon. I love him and I miss him. I cry for him. My heart aches for him. And I HATE with such indescribable passion that he is not here. When friends do mention him or even the experience, it brings joy to my ears, not pain to my heart. Yes, of course I am still hurting. But I will always be hurting. It hurts more to think that you think I have moved on. I want to scream from the mountaintops: "ALWAYS REMEMBER JACK" and "WE DO HAVE A SON".

Thank you to those who have not forgotten Jack. Thank you to those who mention him. Thank you to those who cherish his memory. Thank you to those who support us and the causes that we believe in. Thank you to those who do the little things. And please, just never forget my Jack Jack.

One of those days...

You know those days when you want to just curl up and be in bed and cry? Those days when you don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anything? Those days that you feel disappointed in everyone and everything? Those days when you expect people to notice that you need a hug but at the same time you don't want to admit it? Well that's me today. I feel sad. I feel glum. I just feel blah. I have been thinking of Jack often. And even more than usual with all the still project stuff. Not saying it's a bad thing, but it definitely makes me emotional. I have the end of my "job" coming up soon. I have no plans for the summer. Yes I am happy I get to spend days with just Samantha and me, but it also adds stress of the no income on my end aspect. I know things will be ok. Sean works hard to support us and I appreciate that. But it's still stressful. I look outside and the day is grey. The rain is falling ever so lightly so you think it may stop but it just continues. I look to Samantha for comfort. She gives me a smile and the weight of sadness is lifted. Even if just a bit. Thank you, my sweet daughter. I don't know where I would be without you.

God only knows....

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows

3-1=0

Losing Jack was literally going back to the beginning. It was literally returning to zero. Our world shattered. Our family of 3 was back to a family of 2 but it felt like we were both broken enough that we didn't know where to go from where we were. We had gone through a life of infertility and disappointments to a life of loss and heartbreak. Would we ever be able to start a family?

I feel like it is such a taboo subject. People don't talk about it. People avoid it. People don't ask about Jack. People don't want to see his picture. They have moved on. They forget that Sean and I have a son. I am part of groups, I research infant loss, I still write and think about what we went through. Did you know Keanu Reeves had a stillborn? Or Lilly Allen? Whitney Houston had a miscarriage while she filmed The Bodyguard, and she was on the set the next day after it happened. And so many other celebrities deal with infertility and miscarriages and infant losses but no one wants to talk about it.

I am passionate about things, but I rarely scream from mountain tops or preach. But this is something I am VERY passionate about and something I will always stand up for. Going through this kind of heart ache is not many people get or understand, but it's something that people should be more aware of. And it should be something that people should learn how to handle.

Here's the link to pledge to see the movie Return to Zero. Sure it might be a depressing movie or it might not win an Oscar, but it's definitely something people should go see:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1

Make the pledge. Go see the movie. And maybe you can understand a little better what we, and so many other couples have gone through.

Memories

I remember when life stopped in its tracks. I remember when I thought I would never be able to move, get out of bed, laugh, or smile.
I remember when I could not be apart from Sean even for a few minutes. I did not want him to leave my side. Even when he went to the bathroom, he was away from me for too long. I never wanted him to leave me in fear that I would lose him too. I didn't want him to leave my side in case I needed his shoulder to cry on. I didn't want him be away from me because I needed to cry in his chest as he hugged me and told me that he loved me. I constantly told him that I loved him. I think he even got tired of hearing it because it was literally every minute. I felt like if I didn't tell him so much, he wouldn't know. I didn't want to lose him without knowing how much I loved him.
I remember when I was forced to leave the house. I was in the passenger seat of Laura's truck as she drove me to the bank. I couldn't believe the world was still turning. It was so weird watching people in parking lots going into stores or getting into their cars. Their lives weren't affected by Jack's loss. They had no idea that such an amazing person wouldn't be part of our world. They were just living their lives as if I didn't lose my baby boy. It was so weird to me. I remember looking at the sky and it was so blue and the weather was beautiful. How could days still be gorgeous if my heart felt like a tornado had just ripped through it?
Things have gotten easier. I appreciate life a lot more. I try not to sweat the small stuff. And I think of Jack often. Sean eventually went back to work, spent days away from me, and even nights. I still tell him I love him and I make sure we don't fight about stupid stuff. I try to remind him that we have been through hell and the worst thing ever so if we could do that, we can take on the world and last forever. We have a son we will never hold. We have a son we can only look at via picture. But we also have an amazing daughter that we are both in awe of. Life has given us a beautiful girl that we appreciate more than anything.
I remember all those feelings and emotions as if it was yesterday. I will never let go. Time has passed and the world has changed and things and people have come and gone. But the experience of losing Jack has changed me forever. And every moment that has happened since are still fresh in my brain.

TV and regrets

Stupid Grey's Anatomy seems to always come back towards me. Not as dramatic, and not with such bad acting, and of course not completely the same. But there are those moments and they bring that feeling in my gut. Meredith Grey saying "this is not how I wanted to do it" when she had to have a C-section to deliver her baby. I scream inside my head... "WHY THE F**K DID I DO A C-SECTION??" I wish I could rewind time and get more care while I was pregnant with Jack. I wish I could rewind time and use a heart monitor on him everyday like I did with Samantha. I wish I could rewind time and monitor his movements a lot more. But if I could rewind time and AT LEAST deliver him naturally, alive or dead, I would. That is another pain in my heart that not only will never go away, but will never subside.   It's a regret I will take with me to the grave. It's a regret I will never get over. And it's something that I will never shut up about.

May 15th

Today is my parents' 42nd wedding anniversary. It makes me sad. If Papa was here, I would be going to their house and celebrating with them. If Papa was here, he would be so happy and proud to say that he and Mama have been married for so long. They were so in love. Even after so many years. I can only hope that Sean and I are like that after so long. They are my example of how a happy couple should be. My father was DEVOTED to my mother. He would have done anything and everything for her. My father was the man any woman would be lucky to have and so grateful to have. My mother doesn't ask about my father. She didn't realize that he passed away. She doesn't think about the love her life not being with her everyday like he used to be. Is that better? I guess so. She would have been completely and utterly heartbroken the day my father died. They were so in love. But at the same time, wouldn't you want to know that the love of your life has left for good? Would you want to mourn him/her? Would you want to be able to feel the emotions and shed the tears that this amazing person in your life deserves? I think about it. Sure it's easier on her, especially in the state she is in. But if she did not have dementia and if she did realize what was going on, maybe she would want to know that her husband had died so she could mourn him.

Happy 42nd Anniversary, Mamo and Papo. You are truly an example to couples everywhere and I wish that Sean and I can at least come close to the relationship you had. You were an amazing couple and even more amazing parents. I am grateful everyday that I am your daughter. This day will always be remembered as your wedding anniversary. I will never forget the pictures of Mama's dress, the car, the Church, the guests, and of the love.

Heaviness

I still feel emotionally heavy from Sunday. I don't feel like making an effort. I don't feel like caring. I feel like this 500 pound weight is on my shoulders. I wish there was some way that someone, anyone, could just lift it. Sean and Samantha have taken some weight off but after days like Sunday, I feel it all flooding back. All I do is wish and hope that things worked out differently. That Jack was here with us, that I was still naive and eternally happy, that we had a family of four, and I could go on and on. Wishes really don't come true. Well, I guess some do... I just wish I could feel somewhat normal again.

Mother's Day 2013

The day has come and gone. It was hard. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were at Rocky Lake so I was able to sit on the dock with Samantha and talk to Jack. Wishing he was there. However, as soon as I was up in the morning, and when it hit me, all I could do was cry. And cry and cry. It's not getting easier. At all. Then as we were driving home, I lost it all over again. I got a lot of texts and emails wishing me a happy mother's day. But I only got a couple "happy first mother's day". Didn't really want to respond to anyone, but I gave the polite thank you's. Being a mother is amazing. I have expressed that I don't know how many times. But when one of your children is not here to spend such an important day with you, it just makes it really hard. I do wish it gets easier, but I don't know if it ever will. Jack will always be missing.

Sean (with the help of friends of course) got me this:

It's his actual footprints. I love it and am planning on hanging it in my bedroom. We will be making one for Samantha too. Thinking of doing a ladybug for her. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there. Happy Mother's Day to the moms who's children are with them and to those who's children are no longer with us. Also to those women out there trying their hardest to become moms. I know how hard it is, but all of you should be celebrated. 

And to Jack... I miss you. I will always miss you. And I hope you know that your mother will always have you in her heart especially on days like Mother's Day. 

The pit of my stomach

That feeling is back. I haven't felt it this great since the holidays. Mother's Day is approaching and I have that feeling in mg stomach of pure sorrow. That feeling when I close my eyes, I try to wish with every ounce of my being that we didn't lose Jack. I wish that I would be holding a one and half year old and my 9 month old together. I wish that both my children can be with me on Sunday. I wish that my son could make something for me. I wish that I could spend my second Mother's Day with both my kids. 

Instead, I'm saddened yet happy. I'm excited and feel guilty. All the twisted emotions in my heart keep me up at night, make my head spin, and my stomach uneasy. Will there ever be a holiday or milestone when I don't feel this way? Will I ever be truly, unconditionally happy again? 

Mornings

I woke up this morning and do what I do every morning, look at the monitor screen to see if Samantha is awake. This morning, she was on her belly (which she does from time to time now) and her face was kind of buried into the mattress. My heart stopped. I run to the room to check on her. She's ok. I start imagining the worst again. What would I do if I lost Samantha? I'm so scared I will lose her before I go. I hope and pray that I go before she goes. I can't lose another child. I just can't. And 9 months is not long enough. No time would be long enough, but 9 months is definitely not enough time. I need to cherish more moments and make more memories. Don't take her from me. Please. Jack, please make sure we get to spend as much time as possible with your sister.