The pit of my stomach

That feeling is back. I haven't felt it this great since the holidays. Mother's Day is approaching and I have that feeling in mg stomach of pure sorrow. That feeling when I close my eyes, I try to wish with every ounce of my being that we didn't lose Jack. I wish that I would be holding a one and half year old and my 9 month old together. I wish that both my children can be with me on Sunday. I wish that my son could make something for me. I wish that I could spend my second Mother's Day with both my kids. 

Instead, I'm saddened yet happy. I'm excited and feel guilty. All the twisted emotions in my heart keep me up at night, make my head spin, and my stomach uneasy. Will there ever be a holiday or milestone when I don't feel this way? Will I ever be truly, unconditionally happy again?