I had a dream last night that I delivered Jack how I should have. How he deserved. I woke up and wished it was true, but it wasn't. I wish so much that I could turn back time and do it all over again. In my dream, my doctor convinced me to do it naturally. He warned me that I shouldn't do a C-section. I do remember his hesitation when I said I just want him out. I said, "I just want this to be a surgery that I can put behind me". Why? Why the hell did I think like that? Jack wasn't just a surgery that I should have put behind me. He is my son and he deserved to be delivered the way he was supposed to be. I want to scream and pound my head against a wall. I want to be able to go back and FIX this. I would love to go back and save my son from dying. I would love to be more careful and realize that he wasn't moving sooner. I would love to go back and monitor him better. But if I could just go back and give birth to him naturally, I would greatly appreciate at least that. Please?
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