Memories

I remember when life stopped in its tracks. I remember when I thought I would never be able to move, get out of bed, laugh, or smile.
I remember when I could not be apart from Sean even for a few minutes. I did not want him to leave my side. Even when he went to the bathroom, he was away from me for too long. I never wanted him to leave me in fear that I would lose him too. I didn't want him to leave my side in case I needed his shoulder to cry on. I didn't want him be away from me because I needed to cry in his chest as he hugged me and told me that he loved me. I constantly told him that I loved him. I think he even got tired of hearing it because it was literally every minute. I felt like if I didn't tell him so much, he wouldn't know. I didn't want to lose him without knowing how much I loved him.
I remember when I was forced to leave the house. I was in the passenger seat of Laura's truck as she drove me to the bank. I couldn't believe the world was still turning. It was so weird watching people in parking lots going into stores or getting into their cars. Their lives weren't affected by Jack's loss. They had no idea that such an amazing person wouldn't be part of our world. They were just living their lives as if I didn't lose my baby boy. It was so weird to me. I remember looking at the sky and it was so blue and the weather was beautiful. How could days still be gorgeous if my heart felt like a tornado had just ripped through it?
Things have gotten easier. I appreciate life a lot more. I try not to sweat the small stuff. And I think of Jack often. Sean eventually went back to work, spent days away from me, and even nights. I still tell him I love him and I make sure we don't fight about stupid stuff. I try to remind him that we have been through hell and the worst thing ever so if we could do that, we can take on the world and last forever. We have a son we will never hold. We have a son we can only look at via picture. But we also have an amazing daughter that we are both in awe of. Life has given us a beautiful girl that we appreciate more than anything.
I remember all those feelings and emotions as if it was yesterday. I will never let go. Time has passed and the world has changed and things and people have come and gone. But the experience of losing Jack has changed me forever. And every moment that has happened since are still fresh in my brain.