Life will never be the same for Sean and me. No matter how many more children we have, no matter how great our marriage is, no matter how many days pass, our lives have changed forever.
Jack will always be my son. And he is my first child. When I became pregnant with him, I became a mother for the first time. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I am so grateful for that. Thanks to him, I was able to finally fulfill the role of a lifetime. The role that I have always wanted. A mom. Being pregnant with Jack was the most amazing time. I was so happy. It was a miracle. And I will never forget that. And the fact that Jack made me a mom for the first time will never, ever change.
When Jack was taken from us, my heart broke. But it was also filled with so many different raw emotions. It was a feeling that I could never describe. It's a feeling that if you have not dealt with such a devastating loss, you would not understand. It literally feels like a stabbing feeling that has never gone away. It made my world feel like it was shattering all around me. It has completely changed me a person. And I will never be able to forget the horrible experience of losing my first child.
One of the things that will stick with me, and I'm sure Sean as well, is how people reacted to our loss. Our friends and family were amazing and there for us. People who we never expected to reach out did. We had so much love and support. However, there are the select few people who didn't know what to say. Maybe because they didn't know how to react to such a devastating situation or maybe they're just dumb. But some of the words that I heard were just hurtful.
No, you don't know how we feel. No, God did not want my baby more than me. Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be. Don't tell me I can just have other children. Don't tell me he's in a better place. None of those words help because none of them made me feel better nor did they bring my son back.
The question that will ALWAYS be on my mind and in my heart is WHY?? Why the hell did that happen to us? Why was Jack dead? Why did his heart stop? Why did he stop breathing? Why did that have to happen to us? Why couldn't he just come back? Why didn't I notice something was wrong? Why did it happen? Why, why, why? And the why that I now also live with is: Why did I not choose a natural birth? Why did I have to choose a C-section?
Why can't we travel back in time and change things????
Jack, my son. Jack, my prince. Tears stream down my face as I think of you. The heartache I feel for you is something that I will feel for the rest of my life. The heartache of missing you is something that I can not put into words. I want to be able to hold you and comfort you, my baby. I wish I could see you one more time. You are such a beautiful baby and the world is missing out on such an amazing face. You would have been an amazing person in this ugly world. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for the experiences that we shared. Thank you for bringing us your baby sister. Thank you for watching over us everyday making sure that we are ok. You are Samantha's angel and I am so grateful for that. I hope you are with Dziadzo and you two are able to hug and smile. I hope that he is able to hold you and tell you how much I love you and how painful it was for me to let you go. I love you, Jack. I miss you, Jack. And I am always thinking of you. I cry for you everyday. Kocham cie bardzo.
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