And we are off....

Going out of town for new years. Spending the weekend out in the woods, away from reality. We will be spreading Jack's ashes on Sunday, new years day. I have him in my purse right now. I hate that he isn't with us. Instead, his ashes are in a bag.
It's not fair. I hope I can handle it.
I wish you were here with us, Jack.

Name

I was reading a girl's post on the bump and she was talking about naming her next child. She wants to use the same name as the baby she lost. She wants to use "in memory" of her daughter who passed. I see where she's coming from completely and I even thought about it. But then I think, Jack's name was Jack and I don't want anyone else to have it. Maybe for a middle name???
I miss him. :-(

Closure please

So I am hoping the new year and spreading Jack's ashes will give me some sort of closure. I have a feeling it will but I just hope it's true. I want to be able to look at the new year as a fresh start and have some sort of hope. I don't want to leave Jack behind but I feel like I need look ahead.

The Groch House

Going over to my family's house is something I like to do. I get to have a nice meal, hang out with cousins, and be somewhere I am comfortable. But now it's hard. Jack is like the elephant in the room. Everyone has such pity for me and they are happy to see me out and about but Jack is not a topic. It's more like, "don't worry. You'll get pregnant again". Even if that's the case, Jack is still not here. And I would love to have him there with me. Sitting on my lap, showing him off, having aunts, uncles, and cousins spending time with him.
Why? Why? Why??????

The approaching new year

I wonder how I will be when the clock strikes 12 on new years eve. Will I be relieved? Will I have closure? Will I cry knowing my baby is not starting the new year with us? So many different thoughts are in my head regarding the new year. It gives me some sort of hope but at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving Jack behind. All I know is that I am hoping that it's a better year than this one was. 2011 is officially the worst year of my life.

It is over...

Finally I can say Christmas is over. It was a really hard day. Really hard. Sean and I went to his brother's house for dinner. As soon as Sean's parents got there, the kids opened their gifts and the youngest, our nephew, got a new bike. Sean stood by him as he saw it and got all excited. I lost it. I ran to the bathroom and sobbed. Jack should have been there. That should be Sean and Jack one day. Jack should be getting his first bike. Watching the kids open their gifts al happy and excited made my chest tight and the years fall. I couldn't handle it so I didn't watch it anymore and sat outside.
I am happy this day is over. Now to move on and hopefully 2012 will be a better year. I can't handle anymore heartache. Please.

Tears continue

I cry to Sean. He hugs me and tells me he knows, it's not supposed to be this way. Why did our life become such a nightmare? I'm dreading today. I can't wait for it to be over. The tears continue throughout the day. We should be celebrating and happy. Not mourning and depressed.
Merry Christmas... Yeah right.

Christmas morning

It's Christmas morning and happy families are waking up, exchanging gifts, and are smiling. I should be holding Jack and experiencing his first Christmas with him. I should have gifts under a beautiful tree. I should have decorations everywhere. Instead I have a tree memorializing my dead son. All I want for Christmas is for Jack to be here....
I can't wait for today to be over.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 81

It's Christmas eve. We were at the Grocholski house. I pictured you there with me so many times. I was so excited to have a 2 and a half month old with me at the Christmas table. I was so excited to have you with my family and seeing our traditions and having you take part in them. You should be here with us. I should be showing you off and everyone would be so in awe of your beauty. But no, instead you're not here. You're dead. And I can't have you on your first Christmas.
I love you, Jack. I miss you. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Much, much harder than I thought

I thought the holidays would go by and I wouldn't notice. I thought I could handle it. Instead the tears don't stop. I look at Jack's tree. It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!! I want to just scream because it's so unfair. Why can't he be with me? Why is this my life? Please let me wake up from this nightmare. I miss him so much. I want him here with me. Why can't I have my son ALIVE with me?
I can't handle this.

You win

Sadness prevails. Sadness takes over. Sadness is winning. I stare into Jack's room and all I want is him here with me. I think about all the happy families spending Christmas together and I cry. I just want to be happy again. But sadness wins.

So, so hard

It's such a tough day. The tears are falling at a constant pace. Jack should be here. So many things should be different. I'm dreading going to spend time with family tonight. It's just so hard. I'm lying in bed just crying. Sean doesn't want to leave me. I push him out the door and tell him I need him tonight. He needs to get out. I cry and I cry. Why? Why? My chest tightens with anger and sadness. The lump in my throat gets bigger. Jack should be here for christmas. I don't want to leave my bed. The tears continue to fall and I try to catch my breath. Why was he taken from us?
Jack should be here.

Goodnight, Jack day 80

Goodnight, sweet child.
I wish you were here with me in my arms. I want to stare into your eyes. I want to lay you down in your crib and read to you. I wish you were here so I could put you into your stroller and take you for walks.
You have changed our lives forever. The love we feel for you is so great and we are grateful for the 9 months we had with you. We appreciate life more and try not to take things for granted.
I love you forever and always.

Lunch

I had lunch with my parents and sister today. It was nice but still somewhat stressful for me. I don't feel like I can do it without my sister there. They just give me so much anxiety. It's sad and bad I know. But I can't help it.

Emotions

I'm extra emotional today. Any little thing sets me off. Not necessarily tears, but my chest tightens. I'm missing Jack so much and wishing he was with me.
I walked the dogs today and I saw a woman pushing a stroller with her newborn. Ugh. That should be me.
A friend on Facebook posted a video of an ultrasound with their baby's heartbeat. That takes me back to the day of not seeing or hearing Jack's heartbeat. Pregnant women around me make me only think of the wonderful time I had those 9 months with Jack.
My emotions are running amuck today. :-(

Do not forget

I'm always so afraid I'll forget Jack. I still stare at his picture every night and all I want to do is rewind time so I can spend even just a few more minutes with him. I want to touch his face again, kiss his cheek, hold his hand, and see his feet. If I could have just spent more time with him and to soak in every inch of him. I don't want to forget his beauty. I just wish I had my son here with me.

Well it is official

I told my aunt we would be at her house for Christmas eve and Sean told his brother we would be going to his house for Christmas. I'm dreading it. A lot....
I'm afraid people will think we have moved on. I'm afraid people will say the wrong thing and either hurt or offend us. I'm afraid Jack won't even be mentioned.
I am just going to do my best and hope it goes smoothly and I just want it over with.

Blood, blood, and more blood

I went to the hematologist today. Dr. Citron (love the name) was a very nice guy. He took me into his office and got the whole story from me. My eyes did well up talking about Jack but I didn't cry like I usually do talking about him. The doctor said that because of my family history and because of my medical history, he doesn't think there will be any clotting diseases but he did a screen for them anyway. I feel a little relieved but I won't feel completely relieved until I know the results. If I find out that I killed Jack, and that I might possibly harm a future baby, I will be devestated.

FYI

The blog is and always will be a place for me to talk and let my emotions out. But right now, I'm not writing as much because I have so many feelings and emotions that I am not comfortable sharing. But please know that I am still grieving. Please know that Jack is on my mind 24/7 and that I still miss him. Even if I write less on a daily basis, it does not mean that I am moving on.
I don't know why I care what people think. People tell me that only my true friends will understand and will be there. And I know that. I know who my true friends are especially after this tragic experience. But then at the same time, I do worry that people think that if I don't talk about him or write about him, that means I'm moving on. Well, just FYI, NOT true.

The season

I still can't believe Christmas is this week. It's such a difference how I feel about the season this year versus any other year. I'm usually so joyful and happy. I'm usually so excited to decorate and spend time with family. This year I am dreading it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to spend time with family. As of now, I think Sean and I WILL go to my family and his family. But I'm dreading it. I know either Jack won't be mentioned at all or something wrong will be said. Can I just hide until next week?

One day....

Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same. –Bambi’s Mother

Rubbing it in

Every channel plays Christmas movies I would have loved to watch with Jack. I wish he was sitting with me on the couch. I wish I could be listening to Christmas carols with him and buying him his first Christmas presents.
I went to Publix today to do some grocery shopping... Finally. It's something I dread to do. Grocery stores have moms and babies, families, and it's somewhere I pictured being with Jack a lot. I wanted to buy apple juice today. And guess where that is? Yup. In the baby aisle. So I get to pass all the baby stuff. When I was going through my infertility, I always wondered if I'd ever go down that aisle. Then while pregnant with Jack, I always said to myself, I'll finally be able to go down there. And then Jack was gone and I'm back being scared of that aisle.

Goodnight, Jack day 75

The Christmas parade around our neighborhood was tonight. You were missed so much. I looked forward to this night with you so much and pictured you with us so many times. You should have been here, bundled up and riding around the neighborhood. I would have showed you off to everyone. We would have been a happy little family like the other families there were.

Goodnight, my sweet prince. Wishing you were here with us for the holidays....

Talking

I never had a problem talking about Jack and what happened. I'm proud that he is my son and I want people to know the tragic experience that we went through. I always told people that they can ask me anything and that I will be open about it; they might just see tears and hear me cry. Nowadays when Jack comes up, I still talk about him and what happened but the tears and cries are not as strong. Yes my eyes well up with tears but it's not the same. I feel guilty about that but I know it's the time that has allowed me to talk about it more.
Also found out that the day Jack died, it was my doctor's birthday. A physicians assistant at the office told me they were about to sing him happy birthday when he stopped them from doing so because he was so upset because of me. And he stayed until after 9 PM for my surgery even though he was not on call. I love him as my doctor even more.

I miss you, Jack. And I talk and think about you everyday!

Hard

There are moments when I have a hard time writing here. There are feelings I have that I can't express. I know, it's therapeutic for me to write here and it helps me a lot. And it helps others understand what I am going through. But I have feelings and emotions that I can't write. Maybe one day.

Appreciate what you have

I always want to tell people that complain about little things that they should try not to sweat the small stuff. Not my place to say anything though. I want to tell people to appreciate their families because you never know when they will be gone. But I can't say that. I can not tell them to appreciate their mom because when she is not "there", they will miss her. And I want to tell people who take advantage of their kids or treat them like crap that they should be freaking grateful for what they have. I lose respect for people who don't treat their sons and daughters the way they should be treated. At least be a part of their life. And seeing it in some of the schools I sub at makes me mad too. Parents are barely involved.
So unfair.

Damn websites

I spent some time on pinterest today. I do like seeing what they have and what I can learn. But all the maternity and baby pictures just give me a sad feeling. I am so into photography and I wanted to take so many nice shots of Jack. I would have gone crazy taking pictures of him. He would have been the perfect model.

Zoo

I went to the zoo today as part of a field trip. As soon as we pulled up, I saw a lot of mothers with strollers just taking their babies for a nice walk to the zoo. How I wish I could have done that with Jack.

Goodnight, Jack day 72

Goodnight, my sweet prince.
You are beautiful. You are cute. You are handsome. You are mine. You are your father's. You are loved. You are cherished. You mean the world to us. You made us so happy. You are our angel. You are a blessing.
You are irreplaceable.

Necklace

Thanks to Caroline, I have a nice necklace to think of Jack with when I am doing something that will scare me to wear Jack around my neck.

The twisted parts of it

The TTC journey has begun as we know. I don't know if it'll happen for us or when or how or whatever the case may be. However, IF for SOME reason I got pregnant soon, I know it would just be a twisted mess in my head. I wanted to start trying right away because of the issues we had before and I want to know if we will need help conceiving. But if turned out to be pregnant this cycle or next cycle or even the cycle after that, my head would be all twisted I am sure. I'd be scared and I'd be happy and I'd be confused. Am I putting my future baby at risk? Will people think that I'm replacing Jack too soon and judge me? Will Jack think I am replacing him? But then at the same time I would be happy and have hope for the future. It's all so weird.

Christmas spirit

Anybody who knows me, knows I love Christmas. I am the first one to get a tree, to decorate my house, and to play christmas carols loudly. This year is different. No lights on my house, no big tree by the window, and no carols. All that just makes me cry. If I hear any Christmas songs I either get mad or sad. I wanted Jack with me, in my arms, and under my tree.
Worst Christmas ever....

Goodnight, Jack day 71.

People "Ohhh and ahhh" over people's babies. They say how cute they are and how they can squeeze this part or that. They say how the baby is so cute or comment on their beauty. Oh, sweet Jack, you would have been one of those babies. You are so beautiful that people would be in awe of your cuteness and I know I would be complimented on my son's adorable features. I wish I could experience that first hand.
Goodnight, my beautiful boy.

Question ???

Will I pregnant again? I wonder that everyday. I see family, I see friends, I see acquaintances, and I see people I don't know that are pregnant. I ask myself why I even get jealous or sad about that. The 9 months I carried Jack were the most amazing months of my life. I remember them vividly and cherish those memories. They are lucky to have that time. And I lost Jack. Oh I guess that is why I feel the way I do. It's hard. VERY VERY hard. I can't express the feelings I have. Not only because I lost Jack, but also because I know I won't get pregnant easily. Don't tell me I might not need "help" getting pregnant. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with Jack so what would ever make me think I would get pregnant easily again? And here is that damn justification that I need to make again... IF I get pregnant again, that baby (who I do not feel I would get attached to until I know he or she is home with me but that's a whole different entry!) will never, ever replace Jack.
I hope (but I do not pray anymore) that I do get pregnant again. I do hope that Sean and I will start a family one day. I know we are parents. I never deny that. But we want to be parents to a take home baby.
Time to go say goodnight to my dead son.

A desk

Subbing for teachers is my job. I have been enjoying it a lot. I come in to the room, sit at a desk, and as students come in, I teach. But the thing is, it's not my classroom or desk. The teachers have pictures displayed on their desk. And what are the pictures of? You guessed it. Happy families, smiling babies, and children galore. It's happened at most desks and it pains me every time I see these pictures. No I don't know them and it's normal for women to have these on their desks. But that damn word comes back to haunt me: unfair....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 70

Today was a tough day. My eyes have been filling with tears all day. I miss you so much, my sweet boy. I can't believe it's been 70 days since we said goodbye. I wish so badly that you were here with us.

Cosmo's spot while I'm in Jack's room.

Goodnight, sweet son of mine. I miss you and think of you just as much as I did on day one.

And I am back....

Came home from subbing for an 8th grade (blah!!!) and I'm back in bed. Its been 70 days and it hasn't gotten easier. If anything, it's gotten harder. The initial feeling of shock and it being a nightmare might have subsided but the feeling of it being real and the depression are now present.
I want to lie here and have him with me or play with him.

Where ever I go

Sean and I went out to dinner. We haven't done that alone in a while do it was nice.
As we are sitting there, who walks in? A woman with a beautiful baby boy wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket. They sit behind us and all I hear is the baby giggling. Ouch. Sean asked if I wanted to leave but I toughed it out. I hate that I never got to hear Jack.

Darkness

I lied in bed all day, in my dark room. The darkness surrounds me and makes the sadness more concrete. All I want to do is see Jack again. I wish I could see his face again. I wish I could touch him. I wish I could hold his hands and see his feet. I wish I could stroke his cheek.
I'm so sad.

Girls

I'm lucky to have the friends I do. Through this tragic time of my life, I know who my true friends are. I know who is there for me. I know who actually gives a sh*t. And I am so appreciative of that. I hate that I'm dealing with Jack's death. It'll never go away. The feeling, the hurt, the depression. It all sucks. But I have my girls who check in on me. I have my girls who make sure I'm ok. I have my girls who spend time with me and make sure I am getting by. I know who will be there for me through my new journey. I love my girls.

Sean forced me

My plan today was to stay in bed, under the covers and be by myself. But after lots of pushing and begging, I am going out on the four wheelers with Sean. He thanked me and I know it makes him happy because he did not want to leave me home alone in my state. So I'm doing it for him. And I'm sure it's good for me too. Get my mind off the fact that my body might have failed Jack and killed him. :-/

Morning

I wake up and I do feel a little better. Then my chest tightens. I had a nightmare. It was about Jack and then that I lost all friends because I was too focused on Jack's loss. Even in slumber I'm depressed and sad. Will my dreams ever be happy? And if so, will they come true? I guess I don't believe in that anymore.

Panic

Can't breathe.
Tears can't stop.
All I do is sway back and forth.
Questions arise.
Did my body fail you?
Blame is placed.
Fear mounts to new levels.
New ideas in my head.
I should be with Jack.
Sean tries to comforts me.
If it wasn't for him....

Pain, pain, go away...

I'm sitting here in tears that won't stop. I feel like my wound was ripped open again. People will tell me it's not my fault and that if I knew I would have done something about it. And I know that. But if it's the case, it's easier said than done. I have to blame myself. I have to point the finger. I will try to be easy on myself. I will. But right now, all I can think of is the stress of what the tests will tell me.
Tears continue.....

Back here...

Not saying I haven't been sad but I'm back to the depression. I'm in bed, under covers, ignoring people.
I'm so scared of results.

Killer

I finally spoke to my doctor today after trying to reach him for a couple weeks. The final autopsy results were what I thought. Jack was perfect. Nothing was wrong.
As for my blood work, protein c and protein s were higher than normal which causes blood clotting. He said they were not super high but they were higher than they should be. He said they might be higher because I was just pregnant but he wants me to go to a hematologist just in case because if they are higher still, that might be the reason why Jack died. So I pretty much might have killed my son. I am scared out of my mind for the results. If I find out that I killed Jack, I don't know what I will do.
He also said that we will be able to handle it for my next pregnancy. What if I kill another baby??

Going to hematologist on the 20th....

Jack's Christmas Tree

His tree with his ornaments, just for him.


Ornament with his actual footprints.

I wish so badly that Jack was here so he can spend his first Christmas with us. I never imagined this would happen. I pictured dressing him up. I pictured doing Christmas cards with my son. And I pictured putting "baby's first Christmas" ornaments up on a regular tree. But I appreciate my friends so much for including Jack in Christmas plans and getting ornaments for him. I never want him to be ignored!

Meant to be

People always use the expressions "It was meant to be" or "It wasn't meant to be". I was one of those people. I always thought if something doesn't happen, there was a reason why. Then when I won the IVF raffle, I thought, "it's meant to be! I'm meant to get pregnant!" And I did. But what about this situation? Is there some meaning behind Jack dying? Is there a meaning behind life and death in general? Why did Jack have to die versus someone old and who has lived their life already? If someone was to tell me that Sean and I were not meant to have Jack, for whatever reason, I think I'd punch them in the face. But it's just something I think about because now I just look at faith, hope, wishes, and things that are "meant to be" and I don't believe in all that anymore. I feel like I was meant to have Jack. I wished for him so badly and had such faith that Sean and I would be great parents. And what happened? He was taken from us for no reason at all.

What to do...

People come on our Loss board a lot asking for advice on what to do or say to friends who are going through a loss. We decided to do an entry about it.
I feel like I should send it to certain people.....

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/61021729.aspx

Ugh I hate this feeling

I met a girl (she lived in Chicago) on the infertility board on the bump.com. She did IVF pretty much around same time as me. It didn't work so she did another one and got pregnant. She just had her baby girl Anya yesterday morning. I am so happy for her. She had IF issues and finally got pregnant so of course I am so happy for her. But then I have that nasty little jealousy monster. I hate him. But it's just not fair that I didn't get to hold Jack alive and bring him home with me. :-(

Still no answer

My doctor's office is starting to make me mad. I never got a call from him about my results and I keep calling and leaving messages. I'm going to have to make an appointment soon if I want to get the freaking results. They have moved on from caring.
Annoying....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 65

Your bedtime story for tonight.

Goodnight, sweet prince. I love you.

You know what else I miss?

Of course I don't have mention how much I miss my Jack Jack. But I miss just being happy and having something to smile about. I miss that feeling. I was literally on cloud 9. Now it's complete opposite. I feel like I am in some sort of hell.
I miss going to babies r us because I could. I was so excited to be pregnant and able to really look and shop for baby stuff. Now I dread even seeing one.

Not to be that couple

Sean came up to me last night, looked me straight in the eyes, and said "I don't want to be that couple that fights". I told him we aren't. We have gotten stronger. We have experienced a tragedy most couples will never face and we have so many emotions that no one will ever understand. It's only normal if we have meltdowns or explosions. It's just usually not at each other. I would rather the emotions come out instead of being buried deep down. We both said that what we more than anything in this world is to try to start a family. Jack needs a sibling. We need a take home baby that we can watch grow up.
I love Sean. I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind I am in love with him and I want to grow old with him. He is my best friend who has seen me at my worst and who has led me through darkness. I only hope that other couples who experienced this kind of loss have the same strength and love to get them through such a tough time.

Gifts

I got ornaments for a fellow baby loss woman from my Loss board on the bump.com. She lost her daughter on October 28th and her theme was woodsy/acorns. I got her acorn ornaments and a similar one I got for Jack with a nice quote on it. I hope she likes them. I should be sending them today or tomorrow.
I am HOPING people don't expect gifts from me this year nor do I want anything from anyone. All I want for Christmas no one can give me.

Situations

There are so many situations (especially in public) when I just feel either uncomfortable or I want to scream. Women talk about their pregnancies and even complain of symptoms. Are you kidding?? I would kill to have 9 months with Jack again even if I had to puke everyday and feel the nasty heartburn all over again. Friends talk about their kids and how they deal with situations when it comes to raising them. I feel like I should leave the room in those situations. I just feel uncomfortable. I go to stores and families surround me. I just feel sad and think about Jack and how he is supposed to be with me for me to show him off and for me to just smile again. I go to work (or anywhere for that matter) and people smile and ask "how are you today?" I want to respond: "Fvcking Sh*tty, thanks for asking though" but instead I reply, "good". What a lie. Then there are times like tonight. I go to CVS and a father is playing with his son in the line next to me. He's picking him up and they're laughing and having a loving father/son moment. I approach the cashier who gives the father and son a smile and says to me "isn't that cute?!" I think to myself, yes, ma'am very cute... but DEPRESSING FOR ME! Instead I just give her a smirk and rush the heck out of there so no one sees my tears. I wonder if there will ever be a day that goes by when I'm not put in a situation and I just feel like complete crap.

Why?

Why is life so unfair?
Why do others all around me get pergnant so easily?
Why did Jack have to die?
Why didn't I get to watch him grow up?
Why did this have to happen to us?
Why does this have to happen at all?
Why do I have to deal with fertility issues?
Why didn't I start trying sooner?
Why can't Jack be here with me?

Why? Why? Why?
I'm so sick of that question but that's all I keep asking!

Strong?

People keep saying how strong I am, how impressed they are, and how if they were me, they'd be heartbroken. Are you saying that I have moved on and I should be worse than I am? People do not realize how tight my chest feels because of my broken heart. I'm dying inside. I am sad and crying everyday. Yes I'm getting by but it hasn't gotten easier. My son died but I have to continue my dreary, sad life. But I'm not some strong person who has moved on.

For Sean

It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief
since men don't cry and men are strong
no tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
to stand up to the test
and take the calls and visitors
so she can get some rest

They always ask if she's all right
and what she's going through
but seldom take his hand and ask
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break
he dries her tears and comforts her
but stays strong for her sake

It must be very difficult to start each day anew
and try to be so very brave
He lost his baby too.

Some New Year Resolutions

This is thanks to my Loss Board on thebump.com

1. That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.

2. That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

3. That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now"

4. That I will talk about my child as often as i want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

5. That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.

6. That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done.

7. To know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.

8. That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.

9. That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise everyday in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.

10. To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.

11. To let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.

12. To remind myself that when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part to the grief process, and these moods, too, will pass.

13.To try to be happy about something each day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts.

14. That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.

15.That I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

I freaking miss you!!!!

I miss this face....

Dear husband

Well it finally happened. Sean's pent up emotions came out. He just had a meltdown. I went and got a fake tree for Jack. He had told me before not to do that and that we would get a real tree. Well I went and got a fake one and set it up. Wow was that a mistake. He lost it. He said I didn't care about his feelings. He said no one asks how he's feeling and about his emotions. It's always about me. I told him people do ask me how he's doing. But he said no one asks him. I do feel bad and I do care about his emotions. But I hate that he had such a meltdown. Jenny talked to him and he sobbed and apologized to me. And I said I was sorry for doing that without him. I returned the tree and I hope we do it together.
My rock is cracking. I hate that this is my life.

Wow

I'm subbing for 7th graders today. Never wanted to go above 5th but that's where they stuck me!
I yell and scream at these kids. And then there are some who just sit quietly and do their work and don't interact with the other kids. I really wonder what kind of kid Jack would have been. Preteen and teenage years are so hard. All these kids do is insult each other and make fun of each other. Would Jack have been a cool kid? Would he have been a troublemaker? Would he have lots of girlfriends? I wish that I could have found out....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 62.

I missed you this weekend, Jack. Your dad and I went to Rocky Lake. I wish you were there. I wish we could take you there and show you off, watch you grow, take pictures of you there, take family photos, teach you how to fish, teach you how to drive, teach you how to hunt, take you on rides, and just spend time with you in the place where your father and I love to spend time.
I'm glad I'm back in your room with you. It's nice to be able to sit and rock and hold you. I hope you know that I think of you CONSTANTLY!

I love you, Jack. Goodnight. My two month boy.

Back...

I'm back from my weekend away. I was sad not to have Jack's room right there for me to go in when I needed to be with him but I did have him around my neck so that was nice. Yesterday was 2 months so I took a moment alone and walked away and sat by the lake and talked to Jack. Then a couple friend of a friend showed up with their 8 month old daughter. It was unexpected (it was the first time I ever met them and the friends that know didn't know they were bringing the baby). However, as soon as I saw her, I told Caroline, "I'll be right back". She knew what I had to do. I went to my tent and just lost it. The fact that it was at Rocky Lake where both Sean and I wanted to take Jack to, teach him things there, spend time with him there, have pictures with him there, etc. just made me seeing a baby there lose it. To see a baby there where we pictured Jack so many times, especially on that day, I just couldn't handle it.
Luckily the couple didn't stay the night and alcohol was flowing so other than that, it was a pretty good time. We go back for New Years. I'm actually looking forward to that. But then at the same time, as soon as the clock strikes midnight, I feel like it'll hit me all over again that I will be starting a new year without Jack and back on the infertility train...

Btw... Buhh humbug

The fact that almost every station plays Christmas music makes me frustrated and sad. It used to put me in a good mood, now it just makes me want Jack here more.

Losing service

I probably won't post throughout the weekend. I may have withdrawals. I'll be away and in and out of service. I wish Jack was here. He should be in the back seat of the car. He should be doing all sorts of new things and developing into a cute little boy. I hate that he's not here so much.
2 months... Still can't believe it....

Two Months

I can't believe how time is flying. I should have a 2 month old son right now. Instead, I have a broken heart. Tomorrow is also going to be the first night away from home. Jack will be with me around my neck but I won't be able to go in his room and say goodnight like I do every night.

I wonder what he would be like at two months.

Mother

Don't take your mother for granted because you will never know when she will be gone. Physically she is here, but mentally she is not. My mother is no longer my mom. I miss having her to talk to. When I wanted to vent to someone, I would call her. When I heard news about something, I would call her up and gossip with her. While preparing for my wedding, she wasn't excited or involved as I would have liked her to be. Going through my infertility I asked her questions, but she didn't know nor could she remember her own experiences. When I was frustrated about getting pregnant, I couldn't call her up and cry to her. I couldn't look to her for advice or comfort. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to tell Mama the good news right away. I wanted to show her the ultrasound picture and have her happy for me. I wanted my mother there throughout my pregnancy to give me advice and compare her pregnancies to mine. Instead, she didn't realize I was pregnant. She didn't know how happy I was. And she couldn't be happy for me. When I lost Jack, all I could think of is wishing I had my mother to comfort me. I wish I could call her and cry to her. When she came to the hospital with my family to visit me, she didn't know why she was there. She didn't come up to me and hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. Instead, she sat in silence and didn't realize that her youngest daughter's life came crashing down. I wanted my mom. I wanted my friend.
I want my mother's thoughts and opinions throughout my stages in life. As I go through different experiences, I only wish Mama was there for me to call up.
Instead, seeing my parents only stresses me out, especially now. I feel guilty but as I am completely unstable, going there and having to take care of them makes me want to crack. I don't know how to handle situations anymore when it comes to emotions.

Life Updated

Gave my info to another school. Subbing, subbing, subbing. I'll feel relieved tomorrow when I actually see the money in my account. Thank God for my four year degree because that means higher pay... And where does all the money go? To my damn expensive health insurance.
I SHOULD be expecting a call from my doctor today. He has all the results and he's reviewing them. At least that's what his nurse told me.
My lovely girls have gotten me Christmas ornaments for Jack, representing Jack. There will be no big tree in my house this year but I am going to get a little tree just for Jack. Now I just have to get the tree...

It's December 1st. 24 days till Christmas. And no Jack. He was supposed to be here to spend his first Christmas with us. He should be here to see his first tree. To get his first gifts. And to spend time with family. December used to be my favorite month. Christmas uses to be my favorite holiday. Will I get to experience a Christmas with a happy family instead of a mourning one?

You are invited to a pity party...

I feel so fat. I have all this baby weight and I feel so gross. I am not happy with the way I look at all. But then at the same time, I am not motivated to do anything to lose any of it. Sure I have been watching what I eat (for the most part) but I am so not motivated to diet or exercise. But then I look at myself and I am grossed out.
I have stretch marks in places I never thought I'd get them. I have more cellulite than I have ever seen on my body. My favorite part of my body (my breasts) are ruined. At least in my eyes.
All this and I don't have a baby to show for it.

Why do I torture myself?

The show One Born Every Second had a season premiere. My DVR recorded it because I watched it last season...during my pregnancy. So what do I do? I play it. Don't ask me why. But what do I do? Cry my eyes out. It's not only because I miss Jack times trillion. It's because I didn't get to hear him cry or see his eyes open. Sean and I didn't get to feel the joy that others parents feel when they first see their baby. Also, I don't get to experience a vaginal birth. I don't get to feel labor pains. I don't get to push.

Ugh I hate this feeling.

Thank you.

Thank you for listening to me go on and on and on and on. You have been there for me through my infertility. You understood what I was going through. You gave me advice and hope and you motivated me to not give up. When you got pregnant (I was so honored to be one of the first people to know), I could say for the first time in a long time (and probably one of the only times), I didn't feel jealousy or bitterness. I was truly happy for you. You deserved it, you deserved to be happy, and you deserved to have your family grow. When I became pregnant with Jack, you were sincerely happy for me. You knew how much it meant to me. You knew just how much of a desire it was for me to be pregnant and start a family. When I lost Jack, you were there for me as soon as you found out. You have been one of the most supportive people through these days with no judgement, with kind words, and with sound advice. You have offered such kindness and love. You are there for me with no questions asked. Now, as I get back on the infertility train and trying for baby #2, you are there once again; giving me the advice and offering your support that I need. I can ask you questions that I can't ask other people whether it be because they don't understand, don't know the answer, or because I only feel comfortable asking you.

All this from an amazing woman I have never met. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

:-)

No that's not my mood. But it is what I saw on the ovulation predictor this morning. Finally!!!!

Goodnight sweet prince. Day 57.

The weather is cooling down. These are the days I dreaded because these are the days I pictured taking you outside, taking you on walks, and dressing you up in cute outfits. The nicer the day, the sadder I feel.

I read Goodnight Moon to you on most nights. I wish I could be reading to you and caressing you. How I wish I could touch your skin. How I wish I could see your eyes watching me as you listen to me read to you.

Goodnight, Moon...

This page makes me cry the most:



I miss you, Jack. Goodnight, my son.

Ugh....

I called the doctor's office today. Jack's final autopsy results and my blood results should be ready. I spoke to the receptionist and asked for either Dr. or his nurse so I could find out autopsy and lab results. She asks me: "autopsy? You mean pathology?" I say, with tears now streaming down my face: "no, autopsy. I had a stillborn baby." I then get transferred right away. I left a message. If they don't call me back by tomorrow, I'll try again.
Oh what fun conversations I get to have....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 56.

I look to my left and see the little shelf with green drawers. It's filled with pacifiers, teething rings, toys, and DVDs. I was so excited to play with you, to use these things, to teach you, to watch you grow.
Goodnight, my sweet prince.

A nice memory I just found

Oh wow, I miss the days that Jack was still in my belly. I still imagine the times he was moving and I could feel him. I miss those days!!!
And I miss seeing him....

I miss you, Jack. I wish I could see you again.

Emptiness

Emptiness surrounds me. My arms are empty. I was supposed to hold you. My heart feels empty. It's broken. Your crib is empty. You are supposed to be lying in there so I can watch you sleep. Your stroller is empty. I was supposed to take you on walks. Our house is empty of your cries and laughs.
Jack, please, PLEASE come back to me! I beg you. I can't live without you.

It didn't work.

Sympathy

I finally put away all the cards and letters we received after Jack's passing. They are in a Winnie the Pooh box by the rocking chair.
I look back on them now. I'm moved by how many people reached out. I'm moved by some of the people who actually made the effort to reach out.
Words like support, prayers, thoughts, the future, sorry, strength, love, tears, condolences... I could go on and on and on.
What I would give to be looking at congratulations cards, welcome baby cards, and cards with pictures of things like balloons and animals.
The words of one person will always stand out the most. She said I glowed and that she envied the pride I had in carrying Jack. That is so true. I was SO proud and happy to be carrying my son. No one can deny me of that.
I miss you, Jack.
Goodnight, my son. Thinking of you every second of the day.

Where are you?

Where are you? I know what you're like. I have been warned time and time again. But I am still asking where you are. I need you. I want comfort from you. Is this really what it is going to be like?
Where are you? Tragedy struck. I need your shoulder. I need your words. I need your support.
Where are you? I thought you would understand now. I thought you could put yourself in my shoes. I just want your company.
Where are you? I am too proud and stubborn to ask.

Come on, O!

Day 16 of my cycle. I know, I know... That's nothing, but I was so regular before! Day 14 came and BOOM! my LH levels would be elevated. Where is my ovulation??? My body still has to adjust back and I know this. I know for a fact my body is still returning back to normal after a major event but I'm just looking into it as anyone would, I would think. I just wish I knew how Sean and I will have to conceive this time. IF we conceive this time. WILL we conceive this time?
If you haven't noticed, infertility SUCKS.

I don't know if it's paranoia, just a feeling, or what, but I wonder if I should be over it and moving on. Maybe I'm too dependent. Maybe I expect more. Tragedy struck but time has passed. I do get the sympathy and "how are you doings?" from people but I get feelings that since everyone else has moved on, I can't be as focused on Jack. Or at least I should keep it to myself. I know no one understands if they haven't been through it. I get that. I know I'm not fun to be around. I know it's the holidays and I'm going to be worse. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I can't pretend to be ok. It's lonely here. Sorry.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 54.

Goodnight, my perfect child. Another day has passed and all I thought of was you.
I go out in public and babies in strollers surround me and I can't help but think, "that should be me with my baby Jack".
Goodnight, my darling boy. You are on my mind and in my heart.
I sit at home with friends by my side and all I can think about is how you would be with other people, with the noises, with the dogs, etc etc etc. I could go on and on about how imagined you in our lives.
Goodnight, my sweet prince. I read to you hoping you can hear me. Hoping you know that you are and always will be my child. I listen to music with you hoping you can hear it and know that I want you with me. I talk to you hoping you listen to my words and believe them to be true.
Goodnight, my precious son, Jack. I love you. Forever.

His room

Jack's room is still my favorite room of the house. I love the smell. I love the feeling I get in there. Jack's room is now a shrine to my sweet baby. It is filled with things that will remind us of him. Jack is in Jack's room but I wish he was alive in his room. Jack's room is filled with clothes that do not belong to him. I need to get the courage to empty the dresser and closet. Jack's room is where I go to cry and where I go to read to him. I say good night to him every night in there. I wonder if that will ever change. Jack's room was meant to be such a happy place. Now Jack's room brings tears.

Desire

I want to be the person I was 53 days ago. I want to be HAPPY! I don't want to be the person who is on the verge of tears all the time who no one wants to be around. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in every situation I am put in. I don't want everyone else uncomfortable around me. I want people to approach me to tell me how cute my baby is instead people being scared to approach me because they won't know what the appropriate thing to say is. I feel so alone. The loss of a child is such a lonely experience. Yes I have Sean. Yes I have my online support group. And yes I tried the support group. But it's still so lonely in this place. I just want to be happy again.
I love you, Jack.

If today was a good day

If Jack was here with us, I could only imagine the happiness we would be feeling instead of sorrow. Thanksgiving would have been spent with family and friends. I would be waking up this morning excited to start the Christmas season with my son. I would be buying him gifts for his first Christmas. I would be taking pictures with him and Sean next to a beautiful tree that we would get. I would be dressing him up in outfits showing off that it's his first Christmas.
But instead I'm in a silent house with tears streaming down my face. Jack will never spend a Christmas with us.
I plan on not decorating or getting a tree this year. I only plan on getting a tiny tree just for Jack.
I hate that he's gone.

Our Thanksgiving

Sean and I got away from Miami and went up to Rocky Lake for a couple of hours. Just the two of us with our fur babies.
The dogs had a blast and it was a nice day. But of course, we passed by the locations that I took my maternity pictures and then the guest book had my signing it from when I was happily pregnant. That made Sean cry.
I have missed calls and texts from family and friends wishing us a happy Thanksgiving. I can't seem to be able to wish it back. I do want everyone to be happy and thankful, but at the same time, why do they all get to be when I'm not? It's just crappy.
I wonder if I'll make it out for Christmas.

From July 2011. :-(

Thanksgiving

Wow, it's already thanksgiving. Time is flying. The holidays are here. I don't feel like I have much to be thankful for this year. What was the best year of my life has become the absolute worst. Jack was supposed to be here spending his first thanksgiving with his family. There was an outfit I had my eye on that I wanted him to wear. I was so excited to be his mother and to have him with us during the holiday season. I can't believe he's gone.

I am thankful for the friends and family who were amazing when tragedy struck.
I am thankful for the friends and family who are still sticking by us. Even after 52 days, you're still checking in, you're still supportive, and you know that I haven't moved on and still need your kind words. Thank you.
I am thankful for my husband. Without Sean I would be completely lost instead of just lost. He has been my rock and without him, I would probably be dead in all honesty. I love you, Sean.
I am thankful for the months that I carried Jack. I have never been as happy as I was then and that feeling was amazing.
I am thankful for the moment that I was able to see and meet my sleeping son. I will never forget how beautiful he was and how much he impacted our lives.

I miss you, Jack. I wish you were here with us.

Just some research

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ZNvTDTK-0Jk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

http://www.missfoundation.org/

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/auZDVzBE98w" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

THIS IS WHAT I WILL NEED IF I GET PREGNANT AGAIN:
http://www.protectyourpregnancy.com/Home_Fetal_Monitorin_1F08DF.pdf

http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm

http://www.nationalshare.org/

Just let me grieve please

Please don't tell me it was God's plan.
Please don't tell me that God needed Jack more than I did.
Please don't tell me that Jack's purpose was to be an angel instead of my living son.
Please don't tell me it happened for a reason.
Please don't tell me that I will be pregnant and have kids again.
Please don't make me go places and do things I don't want to do.
Please don't make me spend holidays with family and friends this year.
Please let me be a depressed person who just wants to be alone when I want to be.
Please let me sit and cry in Jack's room as much as I want.
Please don't tell me to do things to help me "move on".
Please don't tell me that I should pretend to be ok so that people will leave me alone.
Please don't think my teaching young children means I am over Jack.
Please don't think that I don't think of Jack every freaking second of every day.
Please don't think that I am not a parent. I HAVE A SON.
Please don't make me do what I don't feel comfortable doing.
Please don't think that even after 51 days, I should be ok.

Just let me grieve for as long as I want, how I want, and when I want.

New journey

I am missing Jack and will always, always miss him. He will never, ever be replaced. I feel like I have to keep justifying that to myself and others. I don't think I'll ever be able to help that. But here we are again... Trying to stay healthy, keeping track of a calendar, peeing on a stick to see if I'm ovulating. I can't believe I'm back here. I did it for about a year and a half before Jack and now I have to do it again. Will it even happen for us? Will the result of all this be a take home baby?? I just can't believe I have to do this allllllll over again.

Really???

I go and try to pee on an ovulation stick. As soon as I put the stick into the adapter, the adapter gives me a little sign of a booklet. I go to the directions to see what that's about. What does it say? Contact customer support, do not use this kit.
I really have luck like this. This is why I wonder if it's meant to be. Maybe Sean and I are not supposed to be parents.

Goodnight, Jack day 49

I sit and rock, stroking your urn, staring at your picture. I would give anything to hold you in my arms, stroke your face, and stare at every inch of your body. Your mobile moves slightly with the air from the fan. What I would give to wrap you in a blanket and place you in your crib and listen to the music as you fall asleep. The empty green wall in front of me makes me think of the one last thing your father and I needed to do in your room. I wanted to fill it with family pictures that included you. Now your room is a shrine to you filled with tears and sadness. Tomorrow will be 50 days that I don't have you, my darling son. I only have memories of carrying you for 38 weeks and 3 days. I only have a picture, ashes, and ink stains to represent your life. Why can't you come back to me? Why do I only dream of you? All I can do is ask why over and over and over. Jack, I miss you.

I wish I knew now what I didn't know then

I wish I got off birth control sooner. I wish Sean and I got married quicker. I wish Sean and I started trying sooner. I wish I knew there would be an issue. I wish I would have saved money. I wish I did the teaching thing (or SOMETHING) sooner mainly so I could have insurance that would help me through this better. I wish I could not worry about how Sean and I would get pregnant.
I'm so sick of the what ifs, the should haves, the could haves, the whys, etc. I just want Sean and I to be happy and not have to keep saying how unfair our life is.

I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for Sean. He literally has been my rock. The only "good thing" that came out of this mess of a situation is how much stronger our relationship has becomes. We truly found love in a hopeless place.

I love you, Sean. Forever and always. No matter what.....

Anxious

I think it's because of the holidays coming up, but I'm feeling so unstable and anxious. Any little thing makes me cry, my chest is very tight, and I just want to run away and hide. I hate this feeling.

Lying

As I lie in bed, I can imagine what it was like to feel Jack kick and move. I miss it so much. I wish I could rewind time.

One of those days

It's gorgeous out. It's one of those beautiful days when you feel like you should really be doing something outside. Where am I? In my dark bedroom, in my bed, under the covers. I'm depressed. I look into Jack's room and see the stroller and wish that I could take him on a walk on this nice day. I don't feel like doing anything. All I want to do is cry. All I want is Jack.

Family time

Waking up on the weekends is nice. You get to sleep in, you can spend some extra time in bed, and you can enjoy spending that time with the ones you love. Sean and I lie in bed and talk and have the dogs around us. Sean plays with Molly or cuddles with Cosmo. Do you know what I have pictured a million times? Instead of playing or cuddling with the dog, Jack would be lying between us and we would be playing and cuddling with him. Life is UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heartbroken

My heart literally hurts. I feel so lost and sad. I want to grab my chest and pound it. A Disney World commercial came on and I just lost it. I want to be happy like those people making memories with my family. Why? Why did this happen????
Ouch... It's not getting easier.

Surrounded

I feel surrounded by pregnant people and babies, pictures of babies, and stories of birth and take home babies. I try to avoid, I try to block it, I try to look away, but I feel like it is everywhere. Close by and far away. All I want is to rewind time and actually bring Jack home with us. Then I can be the one happy again, I can be the one posting pictures everywhere, I can look forward to the holidays instead of dreading them, and I can be happy for all the pregnancies around me instead of sad. I hope to one day bring a baby home with me and be happy again. But I'll always want my little boy who left me way too fast.
Will we even get pregnant again? Will I be happy again? Will I be that person I was 47 days ago? If I do get pregnant again, will I be able to handle it? Will we bring home a healthy baby?

School Boy

I subbed today. 4th grade again. The kids were a lot easier today than on Monday. No ESE kids this time. I had a blonde boy in my class. I thought of Jack. I wonder what he would have been like in school. Would he be a trouble maker? Class clown? ESE? Gifted? I guess I'll never know....

Shrine

Jack's shrine, if you will...



I stare at his footprints and handprints every night. I wish I could just hold his hand and play with his feet. I wish I could examine every inch of his body.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 45 without you. It hasn't gotten any easier. I love you. Forever.

Doctors.

Going in to give another vial of blood in the many tests they are doing to see if anything is wrong with me. We have no reason for why Jack is gone. Will my blood show something? I have a feeling the answer will be no. I don't know what's better: finding out I did something wrong to prevent it later or not having an answer which means I did nothing wrong.
The one doctor I do look forward to seeing in the new year is my fertility doctor. I have a feeling I will need another IVF to get pregnant again. I'm just scared out of my mind I won't be able to swing it. I hate my insurance.

Happier moments

I remember the moment Caroline called me to tell me she won the IVF raffle.
I remember the joy I felt knowing that Sean and I would probably get pregnant.
I remember giving myself shots even in a tent at Rocky Lake.
I remember the moment of seeing our embryos.
I remember being so happy when the embryos were transferred and how happy I felt thinking that my baby was going to grow inside of me.
I remember being on bed rest and Sean's concern about me doing anything.
I remember seeing the plus on the pregnancy test and being in shock. I never thought it would happen!
I remember being so happy and pregnant. Those 9 months were the most amazing nine months of my life. That is one thing that no one can take away from me. I was the happiest person in the world and nothing could change that. I waited so long for the moment to finally say "I'm pregnant". I waited so long to watch my belly grow. I waited so long to see that little flutter on the monitor of the ultrasound machine. I literally was the happiest girl in the world. Having Jack inside of me was the greatest thing that could ever happen to me. And then he was taken from me. I miss you, Jack.

First moments I saw Jack:

Things I will miss and wish I got to see

I would have loved to see:
Your eye color
Your hair color
Your smile
Your feet
Your beauty flourish...

Things I will miss being able to do:
Rocking you
Holding you
Listening to your laughter
Holding your hand
Watching you sleep
Taking walks with you
Doing outdoor things with you
Watching your father love you
Watching you grow
Your first step
Your first word
Your first day of school
Being your friend
Giving you advice
Seeing you get married
Being your mother....

Saying goodnight to my son...

Goodbye may seem forever. Farewell is like the end. But in my heart is a memory, and there you'll always be.

Goodnight, Jack. I love you. Forever. You will always be my baby.

Hope I can say this one day...

My cousin sent this to me. She read it on a blog of another woman who had a loss. I hope one day I can these words:

All I can tell you are the few truths that I have learned on this journey. You will survive this. It may feel impossible in the coming days and weeks but I promise you, you will.

When you don't know what else to do - just keep breathing. Things don't return to the way they were, but you will find joy again with time.

Also know that you and your husband will in all likelihood grieve differently. That is okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just hold onto the love you have for one another, the love that created the amazing life that was your child, and you will come out the other side of this stronger than you can imagine.

Laughter is not a betrayal to the child you lost, and tears are not a betrayal to those loved ones you still have with you. Like the bible says “A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.” It feels impossible but I promise you, you will dance again. And laugh.

It took me 8 months to even want to go on living. Two years until I smiled on a regular basis. That was my timetable. Do what feels best for you.

Even having walked this road, I find myself at a loss tonight. All I can do is tell you guys how loved you are, and direct as many prayers as I can from those I know in your direction.

Wishing you were here, Jack

Can't get him out of mind. Last night was a hard night for some reason. I sat in his room and sobbed. It's so unfair. I want him here with me so bad.

My baby......

TV shows

I feel a little too close to actually being Meredith Grey; minus the doctor thing... Mother with Alzheimer's, infertility, and now loss of a child (not exactly the same but still).
Can all my bad luck not be rubbed in my face all the time?
Though I continue to watch bc I feel an attachment and I can relate.

Aunt Flo actually welcome

Actually happy to have my period but not happy about heaviness. Can't wait to ovulate. Though I'm not going to get my hopes high. I know how that has felt too many times now.
Fingers crossed please.

Something I Will Never Experience

I will never get to experience labor pains. It may be weird to some, but it makes me sad. I will never get to feel the labor and contractions even if I do get pregnant again. Sometimes I regret deciding to do a C-section with Jack but at that moment, that was the decision I made and I can't take it back. I didn't think I would be able to handle delivering Jack vaginally. Sean said if I have to blame someone for that decision, I can blame him. I just wish it could have gone "normally". I pictured it so many times:
In the middle of the night, I would wake up with labor pains telling Sean "it's time". We would grab Jack's and my bag and head to the hospital. I would call Caroline and she and my other friends would be excited for me (instead of sympathetic). We would check in with smiles on our face and nerves mixed with emotions of excitement instead of misery. And I would push for hours with Sean by my side. And our end result would be beautiful baby Jack breathing, crying, heart beating.
God, why did this happen??

Back to working

I started substitute teaching today. I really liked it as I thought I would. People (including Sean) were worried about me working with kids. I don't know why it didn't affect me and didn't make me think of Jack. I don't think I ever really pictured him in a school setting. Hopefully it will become a full time job at some point. I would give it all up in a second though to be home with Jack Jack in my arms.
I hate the fact that he is not here. :-(

The aftermath

I received his ashes. They are in my home and around my neck. I wanted Jack home, but not like this. I want him with me everywhere, but not like this. I want him in my pictures, but not like this.

We planted a tree on Jack's due date, October 15th 2011. It's rainbow eucaplytus in our front yard. I look at it everyday. We released butterflies in his honor as well. Now, every time I see a butterfly, I think Jack is visiting me.

Halloween was so hard. I had Jack's outfit all ready for him for that day. I could not wait! But alas, my first Halloween with him was not as I expected...

My sister took his ashes yesterday to be blessed. I couldn't go. I can't imagine God doing this to me. I can't imagine Jack as an angel instead of my baby. The Monsignor blessed his ashes with prayer then took him to the baptism basin and baptized him. My son's urn full of ashes was baptized. At least his godmother was with him.

The day I'll never forget

October 3, 2011... 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was a Monday. I drove to the doctor, stopping by Subway to get something to eat. There was no room in the parking lot, so I went across the street to Burger King and ate in the car for the rest of the ride to the doctor's office.
Sitting in the waiting room on the 3rd floor, I was in complete innocent bliss. I couldn't wait to get my cervix checked to see how much longer until I could meet my son. I was so excited.
My name was called. When the doctor came in, he did his usual measurements and grabbed the doppler. He used the one doppler for about 5 minutes and said he would try another one because it might not be working well. He used that doppler for about 10 to 15 minutes and I kept asking if I should be worried. I kept thinking to myself "come on, Jack, just move for me, baby." At this point, I was scared. The doctor told me to get dressed so we could do an ultrasound to check. I was freaking out. As I waited for the ultrasound tech, I grabbed my phone and googled every possible reason why a heartbeat could not be found. All I found was bad news. I was called into the ultrasound room and that's when it happened. Baby Jack was completely still and the heartbeat line was flat. Tears flowed and cries came out. I couldn't believe it. Was this actually happening to me???? I felt the world around me just fall to pieces.
My doctor gave me a hug and the ultrasound tech said her "I'm so sorrys" and my doctor took me into his office. "I have to call my husband" were my next words. Sean answered right away (thank God) and I broke the news to him. He rushed right over. While waiting, I called my friend Caroline and through my cries I heard her asking me to repeat the news and asking if it was a joke.
After hearing our options of vaginal labor, waiting for me to go into labor on my own, or C-section, both Sean and decided on C-section. I could not deliver my dead son with hours of pushing. I just couldn't. I was cried "that's it". I couldn't do this again. Sean and I are not meant to be parents. I couldn't believe the tears and cries that I had let alone what Sean's reaction was. I did not want to put Sean through that again.
We went over to the hospital. The walk over was like a dream. I couldn't believe the son inside of me that I waited for and that I was so happy about was dead. I could feel him in there, just heavy. No movement, no fluttering, no hiccups. Just him. The nurses who walked us to our room knew what was going on. They took me with such kindness and sympathy to a back room away from everyone and everything else. I was told I had to wait 8 hours since I ate earlier before my surgery. I called who I needed to call and cried at every moment. Sean and I had lost the son we dreamt about for so long. I could feel his feet on the right side and I just wanted him to move so I could say it was all a dream. Someone came in and asked us the devastating question, "I hate to bring this up but in order for us to do an autopsy, we need you to pick a funeral home". Funeral home? I did not know where to even start. I never thought I would have to think about that. Luckily, our support system took over. From that moment on, Sean and I did not have to deal with the questions, the concerns, the funeral arrangements. Our amazing friends did everything for us. I do not know where I would have been without them.
After the long wait and the visitors who came to support us, it was time. The priest came in for the blessing and the anesthesiologist came in with the drugs. I remember feeling the drugs and seeing everyone as I was being wheeled away.
Sean sat next to me as the surgery happened. I couldn't believe we were delivering a dead son rather than being joyful and waiting to hold our new baby boy. I kept wishing I would hear a baby crying but my wishes did not come true. I told the doctors and nurses I did not want to see Jack because it would be too hard. But after the surgery, my doctor came up to my head and said I should see him otherwise I would regret it so I did. JACK WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY I HAVE EVER, EVER SEEN. Sean and I held him and caressed him and cried and said over and over how beautiful he was. Sean says all he remembers is those red lips on my cheek. I am so glad I saw him and touched him. Now I only wish it was for longer. We both knew at that moment that we had to try again. Our mission is to have another beautiful baby, a sibling for Jack, a family.
The nurse asked me if she could take him to my friends and family and show him to them. I said yes. We spent time in the recovery room which felt like forever. I just wanted to be back in my room with our family and friends. Sean sat by my side the entire time just holding me. We cried, we talked, we couldn't believe it.
The doctor said the umbilical cord was around his neck once but it didn't seem like it would have caused Jack to die. They could not see anything to show why it happened. We had no answers. Just a dead son.
We were wheeled back to our room a little after midnight. Our support system was there to make sure we were ok and they left for the night. My eyes were so puffy I could barely see. I couldn't sleep. I was awake throughout most of the night and finally watched the night turn to day. Please let this be a dream, I thought. But it wasn't.
Sean and I spent 2 days in the hospital before coming home. The drive home and pulling up to our house was very hard. We came home empty handed.