Don't take your mother for granted because you will never know when she will be gone. Physically she is here, but mentally she is not. My mother is no longer my mom. I miss having her to talk to. When I wanted to vent to someone, I would call her. When I heard news about something, I would call her up and gossip with her. While preparing for my wedding, she wasn't excited or involved as I would have liked her to be. Going through my infertility I asked her questions, but she didn't know nor could she remember her own experiences. When I was frustrated about getting pregnant, I couldn't call her up and cry to her. I couldn't look to her for advice or comfort. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to tell Mama the good news right away. I wanted to show her the ultrasound picture and have her happy for me. I wanted my mother there throughout my pregnancy to give me advice and compare her pregnancies to mine. Instead, she didn't realize I was pregnant. She didn't know how happy I was. And she couldn't be happy for me. When I lost Jack, all I could think of is wishing I had my mother to comfort me. I wish I could call her and cry to her. When she came to the hospital with my family to visit me, she didn't know why she was there. She didn't come up to me and hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. Instead, she sat in silence and didn't realize that her youngest daughter's life came crashing down. I wanted my mom. I wanted my friend.
I want my mother's thoughts and opinions throughout my stages in life. As I go through different experiences, I only wish Mama was there for me to call up.
Instead, seeing my parents only stresses me out, especially now. I feel guilty but as I am completely unstable, going there and having to take care of them makes me want to crack. I don't know how to handle situations anymore when it comes to emotions.
I went to the same situation,starting 3 years ago.I think my mother realized I was pregnant for the first time,but later when I had T,she did not know it was her grandchild..Also in the hard times I had,I did not have my mother to talk to,like you write,or to gossip with,but you know what? treasure the time you have left with your mother,because even though I spoke to mine last year on my birthday and Christmas,she did not know it were days to celebrate but to hear her voice was still the best gift,now this year I wish would still have it and I don't...Take in every moment that she still knows who you are,listen to her voice,look her in the eyes and touch and hug her..I miss all of that since mama past away this year.I know it is a lot on your plate and it is hard to make peace with such terrible decease ,but enjoy the little "good" moments,a smile,A laugh....I feel and know your pain with this ,and I am thinking about you so much.Sending you love,xxx christine
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