And we are off....

Going out of town for new years. Spending the weekend out in the woods, away from reality. We will be spreading Jack's ashes on Sunday, new years day. I have him in my purse right now. I hate that he isn't with us. Instead, his ashes are in a bag.
It's not fair. I hope I can handle it.
I wish you were here with us, Jack.

Name

I was reading a girl's post on the bump and she was talking about naming her next child. She wants to use the same name as the baby she lost. She wants to use "in memory" of her daughter who passed. I see where she's coming from completely and I even thought about it. But then I think, Jack's name was Jack and I don't want anyone else to have it. Maybe for a middle name???
I miss him. :-(

Closure please

So I am hoping the new year and spreading Jack's ashes will give me some sort of closure. I have a feeling it will but I just hope it's true. I want to be able to look at the new year as a fresh start and have some sort of hope. I don't want to leave Jack behind but I feel like I need look ahead.

The Groch House

Going over to my family's house is something I like to do. I get to have a nice meal, hang out with cousins, and be somewhere I am comfortable. But now it's hard. Jack is like the elephant in the room. Everyone has such pity for me and they are happy to see me out and about but Jack is not a topic. It's more like, "don't worry. You'll get pregnant again". Even if that's the case, Jack is still not here. And I would love to have him there with me. Sitting on my lap, showing him off, having aunts, uncles, and cousins spending time with him.
Why? Why? Why??????

The approaching new year

I wonder how I will be when the clock strikes 12 on new years eve. Will I be relieved? Will I have closure? Will I cry knowing my baby is not starting the new year with us? So many different thoughts are in my head regarding the new year. It gives me some sort of hope but at the same time, I feel like I'm leaving Jack behind. All I know is that I am hoping that it's a better year than this one was. 2011 is officially the worst year of my life.

It is over...

Finally I can say Christmas is over. It was a really hard day. Really hard. Sean and I went to his brother's house for dinner. As soon as Sean's parents got there, the kids opened their gifts and the youngest, our nephew, got a new bike. Sean stood by him as he saw it and got all excited. I lost it. I ran to the bathroom and sobbed. Jack should have been there. That should be Sean and Jack one day. Jack should be getting his first bike. Watching the kids open their gifts al happy and excited made my chest tight and the years fall. I couldn't handle it so I didn't watch it anymore and sat outside.
I am happy this day is over. Now to move on and hopefully 2012 will be a better year. I can't handle anymore heartache. Please.

Tears continue

I cry to Sean. He hugs me and tells me he knows, it's not supposed to be this way. Why did our life become such a nightmare? I'm dreading today. I can't wait for it to be over. The tears continue throughout the day. We should be celebrating and happy. Not mourning and depressed.
Merry Christmas... Yeah right.

Christmas morning

It's Christmas morning and happy families are waking up, exchanging gifts, and are smiling. I should be holding Jack and experiencing his first Christmas with him. I should have gifts under a beautiful tree. I should have decorations everywhere. Instead I have a tree memorializing my dead son. All I want for Christmas is for Jack to be here....
I can't wait for today to be over.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 81

It's Christmas eve. We were at the Grocholski house. I pictured you there with me so many times. I was so excited to have a 2 and a half month old with me at the Christmas table. I was so excited to have you with my family and seeing our traditions and having you take part in them. You should be here with us. I should be showing you off and everyone would be so in awe of your beauty. But no, instead you're not here. You're dead. And I can't have you on your first Christmas.
I love you, Jack. I miss you. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Much, much harder than I thought

I thought the holidays would go by and I wouldn't notice. I thought I could handle it. Instead the tears don't stop. I look at Jack's tree. It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!! I want to just scream because it's so unfair. Why can't he be with me? Why is this my life? Please let me wake up from this nightmare. I miss him so much. I want him here with me. Why can't I have my son ALIVE with me?
I can't handle this.

You win

Sadness prevails. Sadness takes over. Sadness is winning. I stare into Jack's room and all I want is him here with me. I think about all the happy families spending Christmas together and I cry. I just want to be happy again. But sadness wins.

So, so hard

It's such a tough day. The tears are falling at a constant pace. Jack should be here. So many things should be different. I'm dreading going to spend time with family tonight. It's just so hard. I'm lying in bed just crying. Sean doesn't want to leave me. I push him out the door and tell him I need him tonight. He needs to get out. I cry and I cry. Why? Why? My chest tightens with anger and sadness. The lump in my throat gets bigger. Jack should be here for christmas. I don't want to leave my bed. The tears continue to fall and I try to catch my breath. Why was he taken from us?
Jack should be here.

Goodnight, Jack day 80

Goodnight, sweet child.
I wish you were here with me in my arms. I want to stare into your eyes. I want to lay you down in your crib and read to you. I wish you were here so I could put you into your stroller and take you for walks.
You have changed our lives forever. The love we feel for you is so great and we are grateful for the 9 months we had with you. We appreciate life more and try not to take things for granted.
I love you forever and always.

Lunch

I had lunch with my parents and sister today. It was nice but still somewhat stressful for me. I don't feel like I can do it without my sister there. They just give me so much anxiety. It's sad and bad I know. But I can't help it.

Emotions

I'm extra emotional today. Any little thing sets me off. Not necessarily tears, but my chest tightens. I'm missing Jack so much and wishing he was with me.
I walked the dogs today and I saw a woman pushing a stroller with her newborn. Ugh. That should be me.
A friend on Facebook posted a video of an ultrasound with their baby's heartbeat. That takes me back to the day of not seeing or hearing Jack's heartbeat. Pregnant women around me make me only think of the wonderful time I had those 9 months with Jack.
My emotions are running amuck today. :-(

Do not forget

I'm always so afraid I'll forget Jack. I still stare at his picture every night and all I want to do is rewind time so I can spend even just a few more minutes with him. I want to touch his face again, kiss his cheek, hold his hand, and see his feet. If I could have just spent more time with him and to soak in every inch of him. I don't want to forget his beauty. I just wish I had my son here with me.

Well it is official

I told my aunt we would be at her house for Christmas eve and Sean told his brother we would be going to his house for Christmas. I'm dreading it. A lot....
I'm afraid people will think we have moved on. I'm afraid people will say the wrong thing and either hurt or offend us. I'm afraid Jack won't even be mentioned.
I am just going to do my best and hope it goes smoothly and I just want it over with.

Blood, blood, and more blood

I went to the hematologist today. Dr. Citron (love the name) was a very nice guy. He took me into his office and got the whole story from me. My eyes did well up talking about Jack but I didn't cry like I usually do talking about him. The doctor said that because of my family history and because of my medical history, he doesn't think there will be any clotting diseases but he did a screen for them anyway. I feel a little relieved but I won't feel completely relieved until I know the results. If I find out that I killed Jack, and that I might possibly harm a future baby, I will be devestated.

FYI

The blog is and always will be a place for me to talk and let my emotions out. But right now, I'm not writing as much because I have so many feelings and emotions that I am not comfortable sharing. But please know that I am still grieving. Please know that Jack is on my mind 24/7 and that I still miss him. Even if I write less on a daily basis, it does not mean that I am moving on.
I don't know why I care what people think. People tell me that only my true friends will understand and will be there. And I know that. I know who my true friends are especially after this tragic experience. But then at the same time, I do worry that people think that if I don't talk about him or write about him, that means I'm moving on. Well, just FYI, NOT true.

The season

I still can't believe Christmas is this week. It's such a difference how I feel about the season this year versus any other year. I'm usually so joyful and happy. I'm usually so excited to decorate and spend time with family. This year I am dreading it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to spend time with family. As of now, I think Sean and I WILL go to my family and his family. But I'm dreading it. I know either Jack won't be mentioned at all or something wrong will be said. Can I just hide until next week?

One day....

Where one thing falls, another grows. Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful all the same. –Bambi’s Mother

Rubbing it in

Every channel plays Christmas movies I would have loved to watch with Jack. I wish he was sitting with me on the couch. I wish I could be listening to Christmas carols with him and buying him his first Christmas presents.
I went to Publix today to do some grocery shopping... Finally. It's something I dread to do. Grocery stores have moms and babies, families, and it's somewhere I pictured being with Jack a lot. I wanted to buy apple juice today. And guess where that is? Yup. In the baby aisle. So I get to pass all the baby stuff. When I was going through my infertility, I always wondered if I'd ever go down that aisle. Then while pregnant with Jack, I always said to myself, I'll finally be able to go down there. And then Jack was gone and I'm back being scared of that aisle.

Goodnight, Jack day 75

The Christmas parade around our neighborhood was tonight. You were missed so much. I looked forward to this night with you so much and pictured you with us so many times. You should have been here, bundled up and riding around the neighborhood. I would have showed you off to everyone. We would have been a happy little family like the other families there were.

Goodnight, my sweet prince. Wishing you were here with us for the holidays....

Talking

I never had a problem talking about Jack and what happened. I'm proud that he is my son and I want people to know the tragic experience that we went through. I always told people that they can ask me anything and that I will be open about it; they might just see tears and hear me cry. Nowadays when Jack comes up, I still talk about him and what happened but the tears and cries are not as strong. Yes my eyes well up with tears but it's not the same. I feel guilty about that but I know it's the time that has allowed me to talk about it more.
Also found out that the day Jack died, it was my doctor's birthday. A physicians assistant at the office told me they were about to sing him happy birthday when he stopped them from doing so because he was so upset because of me. And he stayed until after 9 PM for my surgery even though he was not on call. I love him as my doctor even more.

I miss you, Jack. And I talk and think about you everyday!

Hard

There are moments when I have a hard time writing here. There are feelings I have that I can't express. I know, it's therapeutic for me to write here and it helps me a lot. And it helps others understand what I am going through. But I have feelings and emotions that I can't write. Maybe one day.

Appreciate what you have

I always want to tell people that complain about little things that they should try not to sweat the small stuff. Not my place to say anything though. I want to tell people to appreciate their families because you never know when they will be gone. But I can't say that. I can not tell them to appreciate their mom because when she is not "there", they will miss her. And I want to tell people who take advantage of their kids or treat them like crap that they should be freaking grateful for what they have. I lose respect for people who don't treat their sons and daughters the way they should be treated. At least be a part of their life. And seeing it in some of the schools I sub at makes me mad too. Parents are barely involved.
So unfair.

Damn websites

I spent some time on pinterest today. I do like seeing what they have and what I can learn. But all the maternity and baby pictures just give me a sad feeling. I am so into photography and I wanted to take so many nice shots of Jack. I would have gone crazy taking pictures of him. He would have been the perfect model.

Zoo

I went to the zoo today as part of a field trip. As soon as we pulled up, I saw a lot of mothers with strollers just taking their babies for a nice walk to the zoo. How I wish I could have done that with Jack.

Goodnight, Jack day 72

Goodnight, my sweet prince.
You are beautiful. You are cute. You are handsome. You are mine. You are your father's. You are loved. You are cherished. You mean the world to us. You made us so happy. You are our angel. You are a blessing.
You are irreplaceable.

Necklace

Thanks to Caroline, I have a nice necklace to think of Jack with when I am doing something that will scare me to wear Jack around my neck.

The twisted parts of it

The TTC journey has begun as we know. I don't know if it'll happen for us or when or how or whatever the case may be. However, IF for SOME reason I got pregnant soon, I know it would just be a twisted mess in my head. I wanted to start trying right away because of the issues we had before and I want to know if we will need help conceiving. But if turned out to be pregnant this cycle or next cycle or even the cycle after that, my head would be all twisted I am sure. I'd be scared and I'd be happy and I'd be confused. Am I putting my future baby at risk? Will people think that I'm replacing Jack too soon and judge me? Will Jack think I am replacing him? But then at the same time I would be happy and have hope for the future. It's all so weird.

Christmas spirit

Anybody who knows me, knows I love Christmas. I am the first one to get a tree, to decorate my house, and to play christmas carols loudly. This year is different. No lights on my house, no big tree by the window, and no carols. All that just makes me cry. If I hear any Christmas songs I either get mad or sad. I wanted Jack with me, in my arms, and under my tree.
Worst Christmas ever....

Goodnight, Jack day 71.

People "Ohhh and ahhh" over people's babies. They say how cute they are and how they can squeeze this part or that. They say how the baby is so cute or comment on their beauty. Oh, sweet Jack, you would have been one of those babies. You are so beautiful that people would be in awe of your cuteness and I know I would be complimented on my son's adorable features. I wish I could experience that first hand.
Goodnight, my beautiful boy.

Question ???

Will I pregnant again? I wonder that everyday. I see family, I see friends, I see acquaintances, and I see people I don't know that are pregnant. I ask myself why I even get jealous or sad about that. The 9 months I carried Jack were the most amazing months of my life. I remember them vividly and cherish those memories. They are lucky to have that time. And I lost Jack. Oh I guess that is why I feel the way I do. It's hard. VERY VERY hard. I can't express the feelings I have. Not only because I lost Jack, but also because I know I won't get pregnant easily. Don't tell me I might not need "help" getting pregnant. It took us 2 years to get pregnant with Jack so what would ever make me think I would get pregnant easily again? And here is that damn justification that I need to make again... IF I get pregnant again, that baby (who I do not feel I would get attached to until I know he or she is home with me but that's a whole different entry!) will never, ever replace Jack.
I hope (but I do not pray anymore) that I do get pregnant again. I do hope that Sean and I will start a family one day. I know we are parents. I never deny that. But we want to be parents to a take home baby.
Time to go say goodnight to my dead son.

A desk

Subbing for teachers is my job. I have been enjoying it a lot. I come in to the room, sit at a desk, and as students come in, I teach. But the thing is, it's not my classroom or desk. The teachers have pictures displayed on their desk. And what are the pictures of? You guessed it. Happy families, smiling babies, and children galore. It's happened at most desks and it pains me every time I see these pictures. No I don't know them and it's normal for women to have these on their desks. But that damn word comes back to haunt me: unfair....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 70

Today was a tough day. My eyes have been filling with tears all day. I miss you so much, my sweet boy. I can't believe it's been 70 days since we said goodbye. I wish so badly that you were here with us.

Cosmo's spot while I'm in Jack's room.

Goodnight, sweet son of mine. I miss you and think of you just as much as I did on day one.

And I am back....

Came home from subbing for an 8th grade (blah!!!) and I'm back in bed. Its been 70 days and it hasn't gotten easier. If anything, it's gotten harder. The initial feeling of shock and it being a nightmare might have subsided but the feeling of it being real and the depression are now present.
I want to lie here and have him with me or play with him.

Where ever I go

Sean and I went out to dinner. We haven't done that alone in a while do it was nice.
As we are sitting there, who walks in? A woman with a beautiful baby boy wrapped in a Winnie the Pooh blanket. They sit behind us and all I hear is the baby giggling. Ouch. Sean asked if I wanted to leave but I toughed it out. I hate that I never got to hear Jack.

Darkness

I lied in bed all day, in my dark room. The darkness surrounds me and makes the sadness more concrete. All I want to do is see Jack again. I wish I could see his face again. I wish I could touch him. I wish I could hold his hands and see his feet. I wish I could stroke his cheek.
I'm so sad.

Girls

I'm lucky to have the friends I do. Through this tragic time of my life, I know who my true friends are. I know who is there for me. I know who actually gives a sh*t. And I am so appreciative of that. I hate that I'm dealing with Jack's death. It'll never go away. The feeling, the hurt, the depression. It all sucks. But I have my girls who check in on me. I have my girls who make sure I'm ok. I have my girls who spend time with me and make sure I am getting by. I know who will be there for me through my new journey. I love my girls.

Sean forced me

My plan today was to stay in bed, under the covers and be by myself. But after lots of pushing and begging, I am going out on the four wheelers with Sean. He thanked me and I know it makes him happy because he did not want to leave me home alone in my state. So I'm doing it for him. And I'm sure it's good for me too. Get my mind off the fact that my body might have failed Jack and killed him. :-/

Morning

I wake up and I do feel a little better. Then my chest tightens. I had a nightmare. It was about Jack and then that I lost all friends because I was too focused on Jack's loss. Even in slumber I'm depressed and sad. Will my dreams ever be happy? And if so, will they come true? I guess I don't believe in that anymore.

Panic

Can't breathe.
Tears can't stop.
All I do is sway back and forth.
Questions arise.
Did my body fail you?
Blame is placed.
Fear mounts to new levels.
New ideas in my head.
I should be with Jack.
Sean tries to comforts me.
If it wasn't for him....

Pain, pain, go away...

I'm sitting here in tears that won't stop. I feel like my wound was ripped open again. People will tell me it's not my fault and that if I knew I would have done something about it. And I know that. But if it's the case, it's easier said than done. I have to blame myself. I have to point the finger. I will try to be easy on myself. I will. But right now, all I can think of is the stress of what the tests will tell me.
Tears continue.....

Back here...

Not saying I haven't been sad but I'm back to the depression. I'm in bed, under covers, ignoring people.
I'm so scared of results.

Killer

I finally spoke to my doctor today after trying to reach him for a couple weeks. The final autopsy results were what I thought. Jack was perfect. Nothing was wrong.
As for my blood work, protein c and protein s were higher than normal which causes blood clotting. He said they were not super high but they were higher than they should be. He said they might be higher because I was just pregnant but he wants me to go to a hematologist just in case because if they are higher still, that might be the reason why Jack died. So I pretty much might have killed my son. I am scared out of my mind for the results. If I find out that I killed Jack, I don't know what I will do.
He also said that we will be able to handle it for my next pregnancy. What if I kill another baby??

Going to hematologist on the 20th....

Jack's Christmas Tree

His tree with his ornaments, just for him.


Ornament with his actual footprints.

I wish so badly that Jack was here so he can spend his first Christmas with us. I never imagined this would happen. I pictured dressing him up. I pictured doing Christmas cards with my son. And I pictured putting "baby's first Christmas" ornaments up on a regular tree. But I appreciate my friends so much for including Jack in Christmas plans and getting ornaments for him. I never want him to be ignored!

Meant to be

People always use the expressions "It was meant to be" or "It wasn't meant to be". I was one of those people. I always thought if something doesn't happen, there was a reason why. Then when I won the IVF raffle, I thought, "it's meant to be! I'm meant to get pregnant!" And I did. But what about this situation? Is there some meaning behind Jack dying? Is there a meaning behind life and death in general? Why did Jack have to die versus someone old and who has lived their life already? If someone was to tell me that Sean and I were not meant to have Jack, for whatever reason, I think I'd punch them in the face. But it's just something I think about because now I just look at faith, hope, wishes, and things that are "meant to be" and I don't believe in all that anymore. I feel like I was meant to have Jack. I wished for him so badly and had such faith that Sean and I would be great parents. And what happened? He was taken from us for no reason at all.

What to do...

People come on our Loss board a lot asking for advice on what to do or say to friends who are going through a loss. We decided to do an entry about it.
I feel like I should send it to certain people.....

http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/61021729.aspx

Ugh I hate this feeling

I met a girl (she lived in Chicago) on the infertility board on the bump.com. She did IVF pretty much around same time as me. It didn't work so she did another one and got pregnant. She just had her baby girl Anya yesterday morning. I am so happy for her. She had IF issues and finally got pregnant so of course I am so happy for her. But then I have that nasty little jealousy monster. I hate him. But it's just not fair that I didn't get to hold Jack alive and bring him home with me. :-(

Still no answer

My doctor's office is starting to make me mad. I never got a call from him about my results and I keep calling and leaving messages. I'm going to have to make an appointment soon if I want to get the freaking results. They have moved on from caring.
Annoying....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 65

Your bedtime story for tonight.

Goodnight, sweet prince. I love you.

You know what else I miss?

Of course I don't have mention how much I miss my Jack Jack. But I miss just being happy and having something to smile about. I miss that feeling. I was literally on cloud 9. Now it's complete opposite. I feel like I am in some sort of hell.
I miss going to babies r us because I could. I was so excited to be pregnant and able to really look and shop for baby stuff. Now I dread even seeing one.

Not to be that couple

Sean came up to me last night, looked me straight in the eyes, and said "I don't want to be that couple that fights". I told him we aren't. We have gotten stronger. We have experienced a tragedy most couples will never face and we have so many emotions that no one will ever understand. It's only normal if we have meltdowns or explosions. It's just usually not at each other. I would rather the emotions come out instead of being buried deep down. We both said that what we more than anything in this world is to try to start a family. Jack needs a sibling. We need a take home baby that we can watch grow up.
I love Sean. I can honestly say without a doubt in my mind I am in love with him and I want to grow old with him. He is my best friend who has seen me at my worst and who has led me through darkness. I only hope that other couples who experienced this kind of loss have the same strength and love to get them through such a tough time.

Gifts

I got ornaments for a fellow baby loss woman from my Loss board on the bump.com. She lost her daughter on October 28th and her theme was woodsy/acorns. I got her acorn ornaments and a similar one I got for Jack with a nice quote on it. I hope she likes them. I should be sending them today or tomorrow.
I am HOPING people don't expect gifts from me this year nor do I want anything from anyone. All I want for Christmas no one can give me.

Situations

There are so many situations (especially in public) when I just feel either uncomfortable or I want to scream. Women talk about their pregnancies and even complain of symptoms. Are you kidding?? I would kill to have 9 months with Jack again even if I had to puke everyday and feel the nasty heartburn all over again. Friends talk about their kids and how they deal with situations when it comes to raising them. I feel like I should leave the room in those situations. I just feel uncomfortable. I go to stores and families surround me. I just feel sad and think about Jack and how he is supposed to be with me for me to show him off and for me to just smile again. I go to work (or anywhere for that matter) and people smile and ask "how are you today?" I want to respond: "Fvcking Sh*tty, thanks for asking though" but instead I reply, "good". What a lie. Then there are times like tonight. I go to CVS and a father is playing with his son in the line next to me. He's picking him up and they're laughing and having a loving father/son moment. I approach the cashier who gives the father and son a smile and says to me "isn't that cute?!" I think to myself, yes, ma'am very cute... but DEPRESSING FOR ME! Instead I just give her a smirk and rush the heck out of there so no one sees my tears. I wonder if there will ever be a day that goes by when I'm not put in a situation and I just feel like complete crap.

Why?

Why is life so unfair?
Why do others all around me get pergnant so easily?
Why did Jack have to die?
Why didn't I get to watch him grow up?
Why did this have to happen to us?
Why does this have to happen at all?
Why do I have to deal with fertility issues?
Why didn't I start trying sooner?
Why can't Jack be here with me?

Why? Why? Why?
I'm so sick of that question but that's all I keep asking!

Strong?

People keep saying how strong I am, how impressed they are, and how if they were me, they'd be heartbroken. Are you saying that I have moved on and I should be worse than I am? People do not realize how tight my chest feels because of my broken heart. I'm dying inside. I am sad and crying everyday. Yes I'm getting by but it hasn't gotten easier. My son died but I have to continue my dreary, sad life. But I'm not some strong person who has moved on.

For Sean

It must be very difficult
to be a man in grief
since men don't cry and men are strong
no tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
to stand up to the test
and take the calls and visitors
so she can get some rest

They always ask if she's all right
and what she's going through
but seldom take his hand and ask
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break
he dries her tears and comforts her
but stays strong for her sake

It must be very difficult to start each day anew
and try to be so very brave
He lost his baby too.

Some New Year Resolutions

This is thanks to my Loss Board on thebump.com

1. That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.

2. That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

3. That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now"

4. That I will talk about my child as often as i want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

5. That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.

6. That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done.

7. To know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.

8. That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.

9. That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise everyday in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.

10. To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.

11. To let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.

12. To remind myself that when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part to the grief process, and these moods, too, will pass.

13.To try to be happy about something each day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts.

14. That I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.

15.That I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

I freaking miss you!!!!

I miss this face....

Dear husband

Well it finally happened. Sean's pent up emotions came out. He just had a meltdown. I went and got a fake tree for Jack. He had told me before not to do that and that we would get a real tree. Well I went and got a fake one and set it up. Wow was that a mistake. He lost it. He said I didn't care about his feelings. He said no one asks how he's feeling and about his emotions. It's always about me. I told him people do ask me how he's doing. But he said no one asks him. I do feel bad and I do care about his emotions. But I hate that he had such a meltdown. Jenny talked to him and he sobbed and apologized to me. And I said I was sorry for doing that without him. I returned the tree and I hope we do it together.
My rock is cracking. I hate that this is my life.

Wow

I'm subbing for 7th graders today. Never wanted to go above 5th but that's where they stuck me!
I yell and scream at these kids. And then there are some who just sit quietly and do their work and don't interact with the other kids. I really wonder what kind of kid Jack would have been. Preteen and teenage years are so hard. All these kids do is insult each other and make fun of each other. Would Jack have been a cool kid? Would he have been a troublemaker? Would he have lots of girlfriends? I wish that I could have found out....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 62.

I missed you this weekend, Jack. Your dad and I went to Rocky Lake. I wish you were there. I wish we could take you there and show you off, watch you grow, take pictures of you there, take family photos, teach you how to fish, teach you how to drive, teach you how to hunt, take you on rides, and just spend time with you in the place where your father and I love to spend time.
I'm glad I'm back in your room with you. It's nice to be able to sit and rock and hold you. I hope you know that I think of you CONSTANTLY!

I love you, Jack. Goodnight. My two month boy.

Back...

I'm back from my weekend away. I was sad not to have Jack's room right there for me to go in when I needed to be with him but I did have him around my neck so that was nice. Yesterday was 2 months so I took a moment alone and walked away and sat by the lake and talked to Jack. Then a couple friend of a friend showed up with their 8 month old daughter. It was unexpected (it was the first time I ever met them and the friends that know didn't know they were bringing the baby). However, as soon as I saw her, I told Caroline, "I'll be right back". She knew what I had to do. I went to my tent and just lost it. The fact that it was at Rocky Lake where both Sean and I wanted to take Jack to, teach him things there, spend time with him there, have pictures with him there, etc. just made me seeing a baby there lose it. To see a baby there where we pictured Jack so many times, especially on that day, I just couldn't handle it.
Luckily the couple didn't stay the night and alcohol was flowing so other than that, it was a pretty good time. We go back for New Years. I'm actually looking forward to that. But then at the same time, as soon as the clock strikes midnight, I feel like it'll hit me all over again that I will be starting a new year without Jack and back on the infertility train...

Btw... Buhh humbug

The fact that almost every station plays Christmas music makes me frustrated and sad. It used to put me in a good mood, now it just makes me want Jack here more.

Losing service

I probably won't post throughout the weekend. I may have withdrawals. I'll be away and in and out of service. I wish Jack was here. He should be in the back seat of the car. He should be doing all sorts of new things and developing into a cute little boy. I hate that he's not here so much.
2 months... Still can't believe it....

Two Months

I can't believe how time is flying. I should have a 2 month old son right now. Instead, I have a broken heart. Tomorrow is also going to be the first night away from home. Jack will be with me around my neck but I won't be able to go in his room and say goodnight like I do every night.

I wonder what he would be like at two months.

Mother

Don't take your mother for granted because you will never know when she will be gone. Physically she is here, but mentally she is not. My mother is no longer my mom. I miss having her to talk to. When I wanted to vent to someone, I would call her. When I heard news about something, I would call her up and gossip with her. While preparing for my wedding, she wasn't excited or involved as I would have liked her to be. Going through my infertility I asked her questions, but she didn't know nor could she remember her own experiences. When I was frustrated about getting pregnant, I couldn't call her up and cry to her. I couldn't look to her for advice or comfort. When I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to tell Mama the good news right away. I wanted to show her the ultrasound picture and have her happy for me. I wanted my mother there throughout my pregnancy to give me advice and compare her pregnancies to mine. Instead, she didn't realize I was pregnant. She didn't know how happy I was. And she couldn't be happy for me. When I lost Jack, all I could think of is wishing I had my mother to comfort me. I wish I could call her and cry to her. When she came to the hospital with my family to visit me, she didn't know why she was there. She didn't come up to me and hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok. Instead, she sat in silence and didn't realize that her youngest daughter's life came crashing down. I wanted my mom. I wanted my friend.
I want my mother's thoughts and opinions throughout my stages in life. As I go through different experiences, I only wish Mama was there for me to call up.
Instead, seeing my parents only stresses me out, especially now. I feel guilty but as I am completely unstable, going there and having to take care of them makes me want to crack. I don't know how to handle situations anymore when it comes to emotions.

Life Updated

Gave my info to another school. Subbing, subbing, subbing. I'll feel relieved tomorrow when I actually see the money in my account. Thank God for my four year degree because that means higher pay... And where does all the money go? To my damn expensive health insurance.
I SHOULD be expecting a call from my doctor today. He has all the results and he's reviewing them. At least that's what his nurse told me.
My lovely girls have gotten me Christmas ornaments for Jack, representing Jack. There will be no big tree in my house this year but I am going to get a little tree just for Jack. Now I just have to get the tree...

It's December 1st. 24 days till Christmas. And no Jack. He was supposed to be here to spend his first Christmas with us. He should be here to see his first tree. To get his first gifts. And to spend time with family. December used to be my favorite month. Christmas uses to be my favorite holiday. Will I get to experience a Christmas with a happy family instead of a mourning one?