Another year, another chapter

2014 is coming to a close. And it's another year that I don't have people in my life that I would kill to have here. 

I have spent the past couple of days with my sister and my mother. My mother of course is still unaware, still not there, and still no my mom the way I want to remember her. I observed how Samantha touches her or talks to her and my mother's response is like a stab in the heart. When she was my mom, she was in need of grandchildren. When she was my mom, she would have loved Samantha so much. When she was my mom, I would have been grateful to have her as Samantha's Bunia. Now Samantha spending time with her is more of an obligation to me so she at least knows who she is. Another year without my mom.

Of course as we spend time together, Papa is missing as well. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. It literally pains me that he does not know Samantha at this stage in her life. He would be so in love and so proud of her. It pains me that I can't smell my father one more time. I can't hear his laugh. And I can't feel the touch of his hand holding onto mine. Another year without Papa.

And my Jack Jack. My Prince. Let me count the stars and that still would not amount to the number of times that I think of having him in my arms. I was able to be "near" him Christmas night. I told him how much I wish I was able to give him a Christmas gift. To dress him up in Christmas pajamas. To watch him open presents. And to spend these holidays with him. Watching Samantha and having the moments with her is amazing but at the same time, I know I should be having the moments with her brother. Another year without Jack.

I am hoping for a good 2015. My years are never truly happy because I always have parts of me missing. My heart will never be healed enough to be truly happy. But I do wish for happiness for my family and friends. And their happiness would make me a little bit happier in the new year.

Here it comes

The holidays are a special time that I loved and still do. Slightly. But it's also the time when I miss Jack and my dad and my mom the most. I want to watch Jack open his gifts at Christmas. I want my dad to give me a hug and sit with us during Christmas Eve dinner. I want my mom to be the grandmother she's supposed to be to my children. 

And again, these are the negative things I don't have control over. These are the things that hurt my heart and affect my brain and make me lose sleep and make me have breakdowns while driving. 

I'm sorry to all of you who lost loved ones too soon who can't be with you this holiday season. I'm sorry to all those people who's parents and grandparents can't be with them. It plain sucks. I just hope that they are "with" us in some way or another.

Life in Negative Town

Don't you hate it when you're brain can't stop and it's all the negative thoughts? You lose sleep because you can't stop about everything that is unfair. You feel bitter and jealous. Well if you never felt that way, then stop reading because I don't want to be a discouraging b*tch. 

I miss being naive and stupid. I miss not having everything in my life that I want not in front of me. And it's things I can't fight to get back or fight to get at all. I miss not being bitter and jealous of things that I can't have anymore. I miss being happy for people without that bitter feeling lingering behind. I miss just being happy for the things I have like my job, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my sister... Instead, there is always something missing. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my life have been taken away. Things I want now or in the future, I can't have. Those are the thoughts and feelings that overcome my brain and heart. They keep me up at night. They take over the rest of me. They have changed me forever.

15

October 15....

Jack's due date. I remember being so excited that he would be an October baby. Fall is my favorite season. The holidays would have been coming up. My little pumpkin. But instead, I grieved his loss and had to spend the beautiful fall days crying wishing the my son was with me.

October 15.....

Sean planted the tree for Jack. His tree is 3 years old. It's beautiful. I just wish it was a tree to celebrate his life instead of his death. Now we worry that if we move, we would have to figure out how to take the tree with us or if we would leave it behind. It might just keep us here.

October 15.....

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day worldwide. People around the world light a candle at 7 PM in every time zone to remember babies lost. Just so happens to be the same day as Jack's due date and the day we planted his tree. I think about it and if we did not lose Jack, I would never know. I would be blind to such a pain and such a day. I would be in the dark about it. Sure if I had a glimpse into someone else's world of loss I would feel bad. I would sympathize, but then I would think to myself, that will never happen to me. But instead, I'm part of the statistic and part of this world of baby loss. And I wish no one had to be.

October 3, 2014

12:20 AM -- Sean comes home from working late so that we are able to leave for Rocky Lake right when I get home from work today. Of course, I look at the time and realize the 3rd has come. And all I think about is how much I miss Jack.

12:35 AM -- I had just fallen asleep as Sean came into bed. Then Samantha wakes us up screaming. Sean goes into her room to check if her fever has come back. It did. And bad. Sean brings Samantha into bed. And right away, both of us say "Of course. This has to happen today." Sean starts to freak out that something serious is the matter. Samantha calls for me over and over again as I try to comfort her. Right away my mind goes to Jack and I just ask him to watch over his sister and make sure she's ok.

1:00 AM to 3:00 AM -- Samantha continues to cry and complain. We have never seen a side like this to her. Even when she's sick, she sleeps through the night. All she is doing is crying, dozing off and on, then waking up and crying again. During the times I am awake, which is most of the night, all I am thinking of how the time around Jack's birthday has become this black cloud. All I want to do is CELEBRATE his remembrance, but instead I am cursed with back surgery and days of forced rest or my daughter gets very sick and I can't do anything but worry about her. Visiting Rocky Lake is like visiting his grave site. I don't have the tombstone to kneel at. I don't have the head stone to put flowers or toys near. Instead, I have Rocky Lake where we spread his ashes and to me, that is just as sacred. And I would like to visit him.

4:05 AM -- Samantha finally falls into a deep sleep while lying on top of me. Her breathing is very fast and shallow. As her fever makes both of us start to sweat, I move her carefully between Sean and me. She begins to cry again and then finally falls back asleep. I think to myself that as morning comes, my packing and prepping for Rocky Lake were probably all for nothing.

5:55 AM -- Samantha is sleeping right against me. All I want to do is sleep more but know I have to get up soon to get to work. I don't want to try to sleep until my alarm goes off risking it waking up Samantha. So I get up earlier than usual and get read for work. I let Sean know I am leaving and tell him to take Samantha to the doctor and to update me as much as possible. Instead of him getting us ready to leave for weekend away, we are now worried about what could be wrong with our daughter. But all I can do is hope that she is better now that she is finally asleep and we will be on our way to Rocky Lake to visit Jack and celebrate his birthday in a few hours.

7:00 AM to 12:00 PM -- I am at work. Co-workers say hello and ask how I am with no idea that 3 years ago today, I experienced the worst thing anyone should go through. People say "Happy Friday!" in the hallways as I simply cringe at the word happy. I write "October 3, 2014" on the board and put a 3 on my October calendar. I watch as my students write the date on their tests. I listen as they say the date as they write. I have to say it as some students ask me what it is. "It's my son's birthday", I want to say.  But instead, I focus on work and try to make it an easy day for all of us. Easy day. Ha. What a concept for October 3rd.

1:00 PM -- I got to lunch with co-workers as Sean takes Samantha to the doctor.

1:30 PM -- I am meeting with co-workers and helping do necessary paperwork and filing for the school.

1:57 PM -- I get a text from Sean saying "They are saying pneumonia" and that he is going to the ER to do X-rays to confirm or deny it. I tell my co-worker that as I continue to work. A few minutes pass, and I realize I can barely concentrate. The order of the papers I am doing is a blur and the tears in my eyes begin to well up. I can not believe this is happening TODAY. I mean COME ON! Not to be selfish here, but what the hell did I do to deserve such bad luck??? 3 years ago, I lose my son. 1 year ago, I have back surgery and can't move. And now this?

2:21 PM -- I let my co-worker know I have to go. I can't pretend anymore and I need out of work. She is very kind (unknowing of Jack) and tells me to go ahead.

3:00 PM to 8:00 PM -- I walk into the ER and see Sean, Samantha, and a friend. I ask if this has become some joke that I can't go to Rocky Lake for Jack's birthday, but instead have to spend it in hospitals and in medical conditions. If there is a God, is He really this unfair? Tests continue, time passes, tears flow. Samantha has pneumonia. Sean and I go back and forth on the idea of still leaving for the weekend. We both consider it and both want to. I'm exhausted. I still am tired from night before. However, we are packed and ready to go. But it's getting late. I don't want to torture Samantha with a long car ride. And then I realize, I still have her prescription to fill. As of now, plans for Rocky Lake are canceled.

9:15 PM -- We are finally home. We light 3 lanterns for 3 years. We set them up into the sky. We have our heads up as we watch the lanterns float up into the sky. The weird thing is, I don't cry. I barely cried today. Is that bad? Am I supposed to have bawled my eyes out like I did the past 3 years? Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe Samantha "stole her brother's thunder" like I kept telling her today. Whatever the case may be, I feel heavy and sad, but I haven't had the closure of a break down or a good cry. I feel isolated. I feel different. I feel like I have changed. I feel like I can't smile or have fun. I feel like I don't deserve it.

Now -- Samantha is in her bed, asleep. I am very tired. I am going to sleep now. I wish I could hold my son just one more time. I wish I could be there in that OR 3 years ago and hold onto him for a few more seconds. Stare at him for one more minute. Take more pictures of him. But I can't. And even after 3 years, these feelings feel just as fresh as they did that day if not more because the time has passed and I feel like I am losing him more and more. And that is why I am not the same person.

Happy 3rd birthday, Jack. My prince. We miss you. We miss you more than these words can describe. We miss you more than those lanterns can light the sky. Please know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you. I know it's not the same. But no matter what, your family loves you.

October 2014

The hardest month of the year for me is upon us. October. October. October. Monday hit and I felt like I hit a wall. It felt like a ton of bricks came down to rest on my shoulders. Things just went wrong throughout the week whether it be a broken projector, tearing up to a fellow co-worker because she noticed how sad I was, a fever blister, a bad day with students, or of course, to top it all off, a sick Samantha with a fever.  Friday is creeping up on me. And I'm literally scared sh*tless. I'm scared of how I will feel that morning. I'm scared of how I will handle myself throughout the day. And I'm scared that Jack will not be remembered by me as he should be. I'm scared that 3 years is too long. I'm scared because I am supposed to have a son in my arms and I might not think about him enough. I'm scared that I will feel too much guilt. I am scared of how much it will hurt.

When I lost Jack, it was devastating. Words can not express what the emotions I felt were like. The one year mark was very painful. I couldn't believe that I had lost my son a year ago. I couldn't believe that he was gone. And I could not believe that so much time had passed. Year two was filled with guilt because of my back surgery. Two years was even MORE time than one year and I couldn't believe where the time had gone. Year two made me only imagine a little boy running around and holding and kissing his little sister. And now, year 3 is upon us. Year three is hard. Very hard. It's been 3 years. So yes, that's a long time. I can't believe that EVEN more time has passed. But at the same time, it seems like yesterday. It's a weird one. It's a long time, but it's not. I feel like I want to be alone. I feel like nothing and no one will make feel better. Samantha makes me smile and all I want to do is love her and cuddle her (especially since she is sick), but this week, I just want to stay under the covers alone and cry myself to sleep over and over again.  I don't know if this year's remembrance will take place at Rocky Lake or at home. I don't know if I will be caring for a sick baby. I don't know how things will turn out. But I do know that Jack is in my heart, on my mind, and missing from our lives.

What else to say for today... other than I am just down. Really, really down. And I still can not believe that my son is gone.

Missing Papa

It's been two years since Papa passed away. And everyday I see Samantha grow, it hurts me more and more that he's not here to see here. I know, I know. He's "watching" over her, but it's not the same. Trust me. Not having a parent around to be a grandparent for your child is really, really hard. Especially when that parent was so awesome and he was so in love with Samantha. I wonder if this is how my parents felt about the fact that my sister and I did not have time with our grandparents. Because it really hurts. But of course, I can't ask them. 

Papo, you were the most amazing, kind, and loving father. I am so happy and proud that I am able to call you my father. I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry for all the times I did not show the appreciation you deserved. I'm sorry I did not spend more time with you when I should have. I am so happy that you got to meet Samantha. And it makes me so sad that you can't be a physical part of her life. I do hope that you are with Jack though. Kocham cie.

Years...

The 20th of this month marks 2 years since losing my father. And then of course, October 3rd marks 3 years since losing Jack. As I think of these days, my chest already tightens and my eyes begun to water. The pain feels good because it brings me close to them, but it also hurts because I wish it wasn't so. 3 years is a long time, but at the same time, it's not a long time. The pain is still fresh, but I'm sure people expect me to have moved on or to be over it. But it's the opposite. The pain is still there and it hurts even more because Jack isn't the topic on my lips all the time. It hurts even more because people don't remember that his birthday is upon us. It hurts even more because I should have a 3 year old boy by my side. 

Losing my father hurts me more because he's not here to be part of Samantha's life. It kills me that she can't get to know him. And it kills me that he can't see the child she has become. He would be obsessed with her. I don't have the closure I need to feel of Samantha having met my parents as grandparents. And I will never have that closure and it will hurt me for the rest of my life.

I loved the fall months. I loved this time of year. But now, as the weather cools, as the holidays approach us, I begin to feel more and more heart ache as the days pass. 

Another new beginning

So I have started a new job. I am enjoying it. I love my co-workers, I love my bosses, and I love the school. I hope it's for the long run.

However, new job means new people. And new people means people who don't know about Jack. Sure I have talked about Samantha. But Jack hasn't "come up" yet. I feel guilty that I don't talk about him. But do I randomly say, "by the way, I have a son too but he died." It came up in conversation with one person and I told her about him right away. But only because it was a moment when it made sense to talk about him. And of course she got "chills" and you can hear the sympathy in her voice. 

Argh, it's hard. So hard. And I miss him. And his memory seems to be getting too distant and that scares the sh*t out of me. I can't believe it's almost 3 years. I don't want time to go by so fast because I feel like it will fade too much. No matter what though, he crosses my mind all day, everyday.... 

Papa's Birthday

It is not the first time his birthday has come around without him here, but his birthday is a day when I miss my father even more than usual. I think about him all the time, but days like today, I think of him at every second. I wish so badly that he was here. I wish he had just a little bit longer than he did so he could see Samantha. I wish so badly that he had just a little bit longer so that he could be here to tell me everything will be ok. I wish he had just a little bit longer so he could be in Poland this year for the 70th anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising which he was part of. I miss my Papa. I miss him A LOT. It breaks my heart that he is still not here. Losing Jack was a tragedy. It was horrible, unexpected, and it shouldn't happen to anyone. Losing Papa was not. He died because he was old. He died because it was his time. But I still him constantly and I still wish that it didn't happen when it did. I wish that there was just a little bit more time that he could spend with his granddaughter.

Papo, if you can hear me: I love you. Kocham cie bardzo. You are always on my mind and I appreciate everything you have done for me in my life. You were the most amazing man that I am SO proud to call MY father. I hope that where ever you are, you are celebrating your birthday with your parents, with Strycio W, and with Jack.

Still hard

I write happy birthday on people's Facebook all the time. I always thought it was a nice reminder of people's birthdays that I would never know it was their birthday or for people around the world that I usually wouldn't call or write. But ever since losing Jack, the word "birthday" is still hard for me to say and write. I don't like the word anymore. I cringe every time it comes to my mind. Soon after Jack, I couldn't even let myself write it on Facebook. I would "miss" people's birthdays because I didn't want to write the word. 

Jack died before his birthday. Can I even called October 3rd his BIRTHday? I do anyway. Jack's date of death was before his birth. I can never explain how that feels. However, as the years pass, I want to celebrate his birthday no matter what. He deserves just as much as everyone else does, if not more. He is our son and he is amazing and he needs to be celebrated and not forgotten. 

Tragedy

A tragic event has struck a local family. A horrific boat accident has taken the lives of 4 people, including someone we somewhat know. I can not begin to imagine losing a child (again). I can't imagine living through such a terrible tragedy. And I can't imagine seeing my 20 year old lifeless daughter floating in the water. My heart aches for these families. I get emotional thinking about it. The emotions remind me of Jack and how I felt when I lost him. My mind just imagines how it would be like if I lost Samantha. I know I don't and can't compare the feelings that the parents and siblings of the lost ones are feeling. But being a parent and being a parent to a baby I have lost, I just feel extra emotions these days. And at the same time, the feelings of appreciation have come back stronger. I am grateful for the family I have, I am grateful for the friends I have, and I am grateful for the life I have (most of it). To be somewhat dramatic, I can say that I have had some bad luck these past few years. But losing Jack, and now from this, I try to remember that life is short and we never know what will happen. We need to appreciate what we have and tell everyone we love them before it's too late. I have regrets and they suck. And I don't want anymore. I want the people in my life to know I care about them and love them. I want to spend time with my family and enjoy every moment and make plenty of memories. I want Jack to be talked about more and I want his memory as a son and brother to live on forever.

Live your life to the fullest as much as you can. I know we can't all travel the world including myself. But cherish the moments you live. Life really is short.

Death

I'm used to death. Especially with an older generation. It doesn't hit me as hard I guess. But it still plain sucks. There's no other way to describe it. My uncle passed away today. Another loss in my life. My father's brother, the uncle I am closest to, the father of my cousins has passed away. I was there. Samantha was there. I cried. I watched my cousins and aunt cry. 

I continue to wonder what the afterlife is like. I continue to hope that there is a heaven where we can see our loved ones again. I only hoped that Papa left us and went to Jack. And now I can only hope that my uncle and father are together with their parents. Will I be able to see them again? I know it's a question many people have, but with all the recent losses in my life, I can only wonder.... 

Rest in peace, Strycio. 

In the face of another experience

A teacher at my school faced a loss yesterday. She was pregnant with a baby who's future was bleak no matter what she did. Her baby was destined to die. She decided to carry the baby until two days ago, she went in for an appointment, and they could not find a heart beat. Devastating news. Even if you are expecting it one day.
She went in yesterday for a termination. Not natural labor, not a C-section, but a termination. I felt awful. I told her my regrets. I told her how important it is to spend time with her daughter. I told her she IS a mother and that baby IS her daughter. I told how much I regret not spending more time with Jack. I told her much I wish I had more pictures of him. However, it's her choice, it's her life, and she did the termination. It saddens me, it angers me, and it devastates me. I HATE that people have to go through with this. It's not fair. How can God let women suffer like this? How can God give us children and simply take them away? Why give them to us in the first place???? I don't like to be this bitter, angry person who questions the existence of God, but what can you expect from me? People turn to God for answers but I can't find a decent one for this.
To my coworker, to the other women who have dealt with loss, to the women who feel the raw emotions that I feel, I am sorry. I am so very truly sorry for your loss and I wish that we never had to feel such pain and heart ache that we will live with forever.

Angels

Like I have written before, every night as I lay Samantha to bed, I tell her that Jack and Dziadzio are watching over her. Well, the other night I said it as usual and she repeated both their names and pointed to the picture of an angel my sister got her that hangs over her crib. What a moment. Not only does my daughter say her brother's name and Grandfather, but she knows that they are her guardian angels. I am in awe of her and I wonder if she sees and hears them. If she does, I hope that lasts forever. 

Return to Zero

The movie, Return to Zero, premiered on Saturday night. What an emotional movie. I cried a lot, of course. But I also laughed and smirked and nodded at so many moments that I could relate to. The comments people would make, the things the actors would say, the feelings the parents would feel, and the experiences they went through. It was so validating to know that I am not alone in the bitterness and sadness and anger. I thought about the movie all of Saturday night while going to bed. I dreamed about it. I watched it again on Sunday with Sean and dreamed about it again last night. It really, really hit me and it really is important to me. I am so glad that I watched and I will watch it again. I hope that all my friends and that people know me watch it at least one day. It really shows a glimpse into the world that Sean and I are part of now.

The birth scene was the hardest. I kicked myself again and again asking myself, "WHY DID YOU NOT DO A NATURAL BIRTH?!?!?" If only I could rewind time.

As the credits rolled, I waited for Jack's name. When it came up, I cried and cried. My baby's memory on screen. My baby's memory part of a movie about stillbirth. My Jack Jack.

Another reason to be sad

Today is my parents' 43rd wedding anniversary. As I look at this picture:

I get the frog in my throat, I get the weight at the pit of my stomach, and I get teary eyed. I miss my father a lot. A LOT, A LOT. I always expected to lose my father sooner than later. I always knew the day was coming that it would happen. I didn't think I would miss him as much because of the frustrations I felt and because I knew it would happen. But I do miss him so much that it hurts. When I look at Samantha, I see him. When I look at Samantha, I wish that he was still here to see her and love on her. It literally causes me pain that she won't get to know him.
And of course, the sadness I feel for not having my mother as much as I want to. The sadness I feel that my mother wanted to be a grandmother more than anything and now she can't even enjoy it. The sadness I feel when I see my mother and I can't even hold a conversation with her. The sadness I feel when I can't call my mother to ask her for advice. The sadness I feel when I remember not being able to cry on my mother's shoulder when I lost Jack.

I have the most amazing parents ever. They were the best when I was little, when I was a teenager, and when I became an adult. They were there for me. They supported me and they loved me. I am SO grateful that they are my parents. And I miss them even more because of that.

Ugh Mother's Day

Another bittersweet Mother's Day is upon us. It's been crappy. I've cried. I'm hurting. And all I can do is imagine what it would be like if Jack was here. I imagine a blonde, curly haired boy. I imagine him to be tall. I imagine him to be active and loud. I imagine him running to me and giving me hugs and kisses. I imagine him watching his Daddy work in the garage. I imagine him giving me my Mother's Day kisses today. But then I imagine a life without Samantha and I cry once again. And I try to imagine a world with the both of them in it. What a paradise that would be. Big brother and little sister running around. Big brother watching over his little sister. Jack and Sam. My beautiful children. 

Good morning, Jack

When Samantha sees me on weekend mornings, she gives me the biggest smile. She is always so excited to see me in the morning. I know part of that has to be Jack. Could he be shining through that gleam in her eye? Could that smile also show me that he's happy too? 

And then as I open the door to let the dogs out butterflies flutter by. I say nice and loud, "good morning, Jack. I wish you were here with us."

Through all the recent constant reminders of my son, I have reconfirmed that the pain and heart ache of losing my son has not left nor has it gotten any easier. I still miss him, I still love him, I still need him, I still cry for him, I still grieve for him. It hasn't gotten easier. It still hurts so much. But I don't want the pain to go away because that is my reminder of him. That's all I have or him other than my memories. I need that pain to stay in my heart forever.

Hard moments

There are moments when Jack's memory comes rushing back stronger than usual. When butterfly floats by, I think that he is saying hello. When unfortunately, I have to give someone advice on what it feels like to lose a baby before you even meet him, the emotions come rushing back and just make me feel heavy. That weight lies in the pit of my stomach. And moments like today. I opened a random drawer and find Jack's cremation information. I have no idea why it was in there. I have no idea why it was not with the rest of his stuff where it belongs, but it wasn't. And I saw it today and my heart sank. I cremated my son. His ashes are in hmm living room, in a lake, and around my neck. His arms don't hug me, his lips don't kiss me, and I will never hear his voice. Instead, I have only the memory of my dead son that we had to cremate. It still hurts so much. 

You remind me...

I am reading the amazing book, "Three Minus One".  If you ever want to read emotional writing written by people have been through what I have been through (and worse)so you can really get a grasp on it, read this book. If you know, if you know what I went through, you will think to yourself that it reminds you of me. It will remind you of the experiences I went through. It will remind you of the words I said and wrote down.

I was reading last night and so many of the entries remind me of Jack. His name is not brought up as much anymore. It comes up randomly with only certain people. People have moved on; and so they should. But I miss talking about Jack. I think about it him at least three to four times a day (I count). I talk to him every night when I put Samantha to bed. I say hi to him when I look at his picture and his urn. And I tell Samantha about him when I put her to sleep and when she holds onto my necklace. But I don't talk about the raw emotions that I feel. I don't talk about Jack to everyone like I talk about Samantha. And that makes me sad.

There are certain children I can not feel comfortable around. I look at them, I think of Jack. It's hard for me to be around these people. Sure, it's not often, but when it happens, I can't find the strength to act like it's normal. Maybe it's wrong of me. Maybe it's uncomfortable for people. But I'm sorry, I can't change how I feel.

Jack has taught me A LOT about life. He has taught me not take things for granted. He has taught me that life is short. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff and to appreciate the things and people I do have in my life. I try to be positive. I try to tell myself when I have a bad day that things could be worse. "Your baby died, Krysia, you can handle a rough day with 18 kindergarteners." Doesn't sound very positive I guess, but hey, whatever works. But the point is, my baby DID die. It was the worst experience I have ever faced and I know I WILL ever face. If something bothers me, I try to take a step back and remember that things really could be worse. And most importantly, Jack has taught me how to be a mother. He has taught me to love Samantha more than I thought I ever could. He has taught me to appreciate how truly amazing she really is. He has taught me to be thankful EVERY SINGLE DAY for her.

Anyway, as I continue to read this book, I am reminded of my emotions and feelings that I faced almost 3 years ago. I am thinking of Jack more each day than I have been in the past few months. And I am reminded that other women out there have gone through what I have gone through. And that helps.

If you would like to read a book, read this one. It's hard. It's sad. It's depressing. But it's amazing. It's amazing what these people went through and how they are still standing.

Conversations

I talked about you the other day. I told the story about you. It's been a while. I haven't talked about it and my emotions that I felt in October of 2011. Tears came to my eyes, but I held them in as much as I could. I talked about my questioning of faith. I talked about how much I needed and wanted you but you were just taken from me with no reason. I talked about how much I regret not birthing you naturally. I talked about how I almost chose not to see your beautiful face. I talked about how I was blessed with your sister soon after losing you. I talked about how it hurt beyond explanation when I lost you. 

I miss you, Jack. I miss talking about you. I even miss the raw emotions I felt almost two years ago. I never wish that to happen again, but I would like to relive the moment of seeing you again. I would like to relive the moment when I felt you inside of me. 

Please know, my son, that you are constantly on my mind and always in my heart. Time has made things easier and I am almost ok, but I miss you just as much as I did back then. 

It's been a while....

My beautiful baby boy is always on my mind. He's around my neck. He's in my living room. There's a piece of him in my heart. And there is a piece of my heart missing because he's not with us. Everyday that goes by, when little things get to me, I stop and say to myself, "take a deep breath, Jack is watching over you, and remember the important things in life". I am guilty of not realizing that there are things I should let go of, things I should not care about so much, and there are things I have no control over. And I still hope that people can let go of the trivial things and realize what matters most. I think of Jack at these moments and ask him to just help me get by. I ask him to keep our little family strong. I can't believe it will be 3 years this year. I can't believe that I have to ask my son for the strength I need versus him looking to me. My little angel is so important to us. 

Cancer

My uncle is very sick. He has a brain tumor. He has cancer. They removed it a few weeks ago and recommended chemo and radiation, however, as the stubborn man that he, he refused. Now, as of yesterday, we know that the tumor has returned and even almost doubled in size. He NOW is accepting the fact that he needs chemo patches, radiation, and medication. I do not usually feel too much sadness for family sickness. It's more distant. It's not my immediate family. It doesn't hurt as bad. However, this time, it's a little different. It's one of my father's brothers. It's an uncle who I lived with when I moved to Miami. It's an uncle that I consider a second father. It's an uncle who is the father to the cousins whom I am closest to. So it IS scary. It IS worrisome. And it IS concerning me. It's sad. Not only am I worried for him, but I'm worried for his wife who I really consider a mother figure. I'm worried for his sons and daughters who I am very close to and really consider my sisters and brothers.
I visited my uncle yesterday. He is doing ok; a little "out of it". He's a strong man who I know will fight a bitter fight. He's not one to give up easily. So I am hoping for the best.


When I visited him, I went to the same hospital where I lost Jack, where I had Samantha, and where my father spent many days. It was a mix of such different emotions that I can not even put them into words. That hospital is such a bittersweet place for me. It brings me such joy but at the same time such sadness.

Month of March

March has arrived. The year is already slipping by. Yes, it's only the 3rd month of 2014 but it's already the 3rd month of 2014. I can't believe it. Before we know it, we will be celebrating Samantha's 2nd birthday and Jack's 3rd. I look around and everyone's lives are moving on and moving forward. Our family's life included. But back there, in the back of my mind, in the core of my soul, and in my heart, Jack is always lingering. People don't bring him up as much anymore, Sean and I don't talk about him everyday like we used to, and our lives continue to move on. However, I still belong to that day. October 3, 2011. It's still engrained in my mind and carved into my heart. I'm doing OK. I can say that I lost my son and not cry. When I talk about Jack, my heart warms and my stomach does a little turn but the tears don't fall. But a part of me is still stuck on that day. It will always be where a piece of me remains. That piece of me can NEVER move forward, it can never go towards the future, it can never forget. That piece of me is still sobbing at the sight of a flat line. That piece of me is still in shock. That piece of me still feels the heaviness of my dead baby inside of me.

Valentine's Day

My husband is not always one to buy me flowers and chocolates and cards even on holidays like Valentine's Day. Yeah I know it's not a big deal but I think every girl wants and even deserves a little something for birthdays and holidays. 

Well this year, he got me flowers, chocolates, and two cards; one from him and one from Samantha. The one from Samantha was the best of course. Not only do I get to say I get a card "from" my daughter, but I was able to get a peak into Sean's mind about what he thinks of me as a mother. And it made me feel proud and loved. :-)

 

And yet again...

We really can not catch a break in our little family. A week ago, Sean was in the emergency for kidney stones that he has yet to pass. And yesterday evening we rushed to the ER with Samantha because she fell off her slide (a SMALL slide at that) and landed on her arm in a bad way. After MANY X-rays to make sure to get the perfect picture of her elbow, it turns out Samantha broke her arm. My 18 month old daughter now has a bright pink cast on her left arm. Her screams after her fall killed me, her screams at the hospital made me sob. All I did was ask Jack to watch over his baby sister and make sure she was ok. When they said possible surgery, I said to Jack "please not that". Nurses and technicians looked at me crying and were concerned because they had to make her suffer by moving her around for the X-rays. I told them I know they had to, but her cries KILLED me and made me just let tears roll. Sean was amazing and held onto her the entire time helping them with the positions.

I can NOT believe it. I can NOT believe my baby girl has to suffer for 3 weeks in a cast. All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is hold her and tell her it will be ok. All I want to do is turn back time and not take her outside for that one more time before giving her a bath. All I want to do is take the pain away from her and put it on myself.

I just want to go on and not have to have hospital visits or illnesses or deaths. I want some GOOD to continue in my life.

My amazing daughter

I would like to rave about the awesomeness of my daughter. She truly is a gift and a miracle and I am so proud of her. Sean and I can honestly already say we have an intelligent, gifted daughter. Sure I may be biased, but I can see it and I can feel it. She picks up words daily. She follows routine and procedure fluidly. And she recognizes things easily. She tries to sing her ABC's and she already takes part in the E I E I O part of Old McDonald. When I open the dishwasher, she rushes over to help me. And oh does she try so hard to help! She pulls out the silverware and opens the proper drawer and puts them in. They may not go in the right place, but they're in the correct drawer. She pulls out whatever she can and hands it to me. When it's bed time, she knows when to go to brush her teeth (I sing our little "brusha brusha" song). She is such a big girl now, she stands on a stool all on her own and opens her mouth as I brush her teeth at the sink. She then goes straight to her bedroom and awaits our nightly procedure. She even takes part by pressing her seahorse that lights up. My daughter is amazing. I tell her that everyday. She is growing up so fast and I am in awe each day at the new things she shows us.

We are so lucky to have such an easy going daughter who sleeps through the night. We are so lucky to have such a smart daughter that I know will only make us more proud as she grows up. We are so lucky to have a daughter that enjoys doing the things we enjoy to do. I am so grateful for Samantha.

I hope

I hope he knows that he is still part of our lives. I hope he knows he is and always will be a part of this family. I hope he knows that I am shedding these tears for him. I hope he knows that my heart still aches for the kicks I felt. I hope he knows that his heartbeat will be a sound I will never forget and that I will always miss. I hope he knows that he made me the happiest person in the world when he came into our lives. I hope he knows that the day we lost him, I too died. I hope he knows that he has made me the mother I am today. I hope he knows how grateful I am that he chose me as his mother. I hope he knows that I am so grateful for everything he has taught me. I hope he knows how much we love him. I hope he knows how much I miss him. I hope he knows how much I think about him. I hope he knows that he is not forgotten.

Jack. My son. I hope you can hear me.

Butterfly

It's not a secret that my "symbol" for Jack is a butterfly. When I
see one outside, I automatically think of him. When one flutters around
Samantha, I think that Jack is checking in on his sister. Driving down
the street and if one floats by, I think that my son is saying hello
and letting me know he's there. Butterflies hang in Samantha's room over
her crib. Every night, I point to them and she says "bah byes".


And now, even watching an episode of Sesame Street, Samantha's favorite
character makes a butterfly friend and sings a touching song that of
course brings tears to my eyes. Any time we watch the episode and the
song comes on, all I can do is stare at Jack's picture. As Samantha
watches intently or as she plays on the floor in front of the
television, I am staring at Jack's picture crying to a song sung by
Elmo. Funny and weird as it may seem, it's those little moments that
touch my heart and make me think of my son. I love you, Jack. And I miss
you.

Boxes of Memories

I needed a picture of Jack's footprints. So I went through his boxes in Samantha's closet. Memories, emotions, heart ache, and tears rushed in. The first box I opened contained all the cards we received from all our loved ones. The next box contained all the onesies that were made at my baby shower. There was the box that contained his baby book. Sadly, that stops at the ultrasound pictures. Then I opened the box where his footprints are. Along with his amazing footprints were so many more beautiful and emotional memories. His hospital bracelet is in there. The blanket he was wrapped in is in there. The onesie and his hat that he wore are in there. I can't hold him. I can't squeeze him tight. Instead I can only hold onto these keepsakes and smell them and imagine him in them. I can only keep these objects in boxes forever and remember my Jack Jack as the most beautiful baby in the world. I can only pull these memories out every now and then when I need to remember my baby boy and his amazing impact he has had on our lives. I hate that I don't have Jack in my life. I cringe at the pain and the thought. But I am glad I have my little keepsakes to hold onto so that I have a little part of him. 

I love and miss you, my prince.

Be grateful

Everyone has their bad days. Everyone has the right to have bad days. We all go through them. People complain about Mondays,  about something going with significant others, about their parents, and so much more. Life is hard. Life is stressful. I get that. But I hope you realize that no matter what kind of day you're having, you have so much to be grateful for. There's always something in your life to be thankful for whether it be material things, family, or friends. Or if you're lucky, all of the above. Have those bad days when you just want to vent and scream. Have those days when you just can't deal with anyone. Have those days when you just want to complain about everything and everyone. I get those days. We all have them. But nowadays, I try to breathe. I just take some deep breaths and remember that no matter the crap we go through, no matter how low we go, no matter what we have lost, there are people and things in our lives that we have to be grateful for. I have been through some sh*t. I would think you would agree. I am still going through tough times. But I am trying to remember that throughout all the darkness and heartache, I have to remember that people can't always deserve my negativity. Especially those people that are important to me. Most importantly, my daughter. I am trying so hard to show gratitude and positivity and boy is it hard, but I'm trying. So try too. Try not to let the little things get you down. Try not hold grudges. Try to realize that no matter how hard you may think you have and no matter how crappy your day feels, someone out there has it much worse. Just try. And no matter how bad you do think you have it, things could be worse and things will get better.

A new year

2014 has come upon us, yet I feel a little like the same me. I'm getting older, my daughter is getting older, and time is passing by. And though years now go by almost as fast as days, I am still missing a piece of my heart. Time has not healed the wound and I am still not the person I once was. I may laugh at a joke or not shed tears everyday, but I am not the happy person I would like to be. I don't think I ever will be. It affects my life. It affects my relationships. But my son was taken from me and I don't think I will ever be the person I am "supposed" to be. There is always something missing. I don't know how else to describe it. It's just a piece missing. It's a constant sadness that won't go away. It's a continuous bitterness that comes over whenever there is joy. It's the feeling of guilt whenever I feel at all happy. It has changed me. And I don't know if I will ever be what people expect me to be. And I don't know if my life will ever be truly satisfied or happy. I hope that it doesn't push the people around from me. I hope that it doesn't affect my daughter's life or happiness. But it is who I am now and it's something I have to learn to accept if I can not change it.