12:35 AM -- I had just fallen asleep as Sean came into bed. Then Samantha wakes us up screaming. Sean goes into her room to check if her fever has come back. It did. And bad. Sean brings Samantha into bed. And right away, both of us say "Of course. This has to happen today." Sean starts to freak out that something serious is the matter. Samantha calls for me over and over again as I try to comfort her. Right away my mind goes to Jack and I just ask him to watch over his sister and make sure she's ok.
1:00 AM to 3:00 AM -- Samantha continues to cry and complain. We have never seen a side like this to her. Even when she's sick, she sleeps through the night. All she is doing is crying, dozing off and on, then waking up and crying again. During the times I am awake, which is most of the night, all I am thinking of how the time around Jack's birthday has become this black cloud. All I want to do is CELEBRATE his remembrance, but instead I am cursed with back surgery and days of forced rest or my daughter gets very sick and I can't do anything but worry about her. Visiting Rocky Lake is like visiting his grave site. I don't have the tombstone to kneel at. I don't have the head stone to put flowers or toys near. Instead, I have Rocky Lake where we spread his ashes and to me, that is just as sacred. And I would like to visit him.
4:05 AM -- Samantha finally falls into a deep sleep while lying on top of me. Her breathing is very fast and shallow. As her fever makes both of us start to sweat, I move her carefully between Sean and me. She begins to cry again and then finally falls back asleep. I think to myself that as morning comes, my packing and prepping for Rocky Lake were probably all for nothing.
5:55 AM -- Samantha is sleeping right against me. All I want to do is sleep more but know I have to get up soon to get to work. I don't want to try to sleep until my alarm goes off risking it waking up Samantha. So I get up earlier than usual and get read for work. I let Sean know I am leaving and tell him to take Samantha to the doctor and to update me as much as possible. Instead of him getting us ready to leave for weekend away, we are now worried about what could be wrong with our daughter. But all I can do is hope that she is better now that she is finally asleep and we will be on our way to Rocky Lake to visit Jack and celebrate his birthday in a few hours.
7:00 AM to 12:00 PM -- I am at work. Co-workers say hello and ask how I am with no idea that 3 years ago today, I experienced the worst thing anyone should go through. People say "Happy Friday!" in the hallways as I simply cringe at the word happy. I write "October 3, 2014" on the board and put a 3 on my October calendar. I watch as my students write the date on their tests. I listen as they say the date as they write. I have to say it as some students ask me what it is. "It's my son's birthday", I want to say. But instead, I focus on work and try to make it an easy day for all of us. Easy day. Ha. What a concept for October 3rd.
1:00 PM -- I got to lunch with co-workers as Sean takes Samantha to the doctor.
1:30 PM -- I am meeting with co-workers and helping do necessary paperwork and filing for the school.
1:57 PM -- I get a text from Sean saying "They are saying pneumonia" and that he is going to the ER to do X-rays to confirm or deny it. I tell my co-worker that as I continue to work. A few minutes pass, and I realize I can barely concentrate. The order of the papers I am doing is a blur and the tears in my eyes begin to well up. I can not believe this is happening TODAY. I mean COME ON! Not to be selfish here, but what the hell did I do to deserve such bad luck??? 3 years ago, I lose my son. 1 year ago, I have back surgery and can't move. And now this?
2:21 PM -- I let my co-worker know I have to go. I can't pretend anymore and I need out of work. She is very kind (unknowing of Jack) and tells me to go ahead.
3:00 PM to 8:00 PM -- I walk into the ER and see Sean, Samantha, and a friend. I ask if this has become some joke that I can't go to Rocky Lake for Jack's birthday, but instead have to spend it in hospitals and in medical conditions. If there is a God, is He really this unfair? Tests continue, time passes, tears flow. Samantha has pneumonia. Sean and I go back and forth on the idea of still leaving for the weekend. We both consider it and both want to. I'm exhausted. I still am tired from night before. However, we are packed and ready to go. But it's getting late. I don't want to torture Samantha with a long car ride. And then I realize, I still have her prescription to fill. As of now, plans for Rocky Lake are canceled.
9:15 PM -- We are finally home. We light 3 lanterns for 3 years. We set them up into the sky. We have our heads up as we watch the lanterns float up into the sky. The weird thing is, I don't cry. I barely cried today. Is that bad? Am I supposed to have bawled my eyes out like I did the past 3 years? Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe Samantha "stole her brother's thunder" like I kept telling her today. Whatever the case may be, I feel heavy and sad, but I haven't had the closure of a break down or a good cry. I feel isolated. I feel different. I feel like I have changed. I feel like I can't smile or have fun. I feel like I don't deserve it.
Now -- Samantha is in her bed, asleep. I am very tired. I am going to sleep now. I wish I could hold my son just one more time. I wish I could be there in that OR 3 years ago and hold onto him for a few more seconds. Stare at him for one more minute. Take more pictures of him. But I can't. And even after 3 years, these feelings feel just as fresh as they did that day if not more because the time has passed and I feel like I am losing him more and more. And that is why I am not the same person.
Happy 3rd birthday, Jack. My prince. We miss you. We miss you more than these words can describe. We miss you more than those lanterns can light the sky. Please know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you. I know it's not the same. But no matter what, your family loves you.
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