The hardest month of the year for me is upon us. October. October. October. Monday hit and I felt like I hit a wall. It felt like a ton of bricks came down to rest on my shoulders. Things just went wrong throughout the week whether it be a broken projector, tearing up to a fellow co-worker because she noticed how sad I was, a fever blister, a bad day with students, or of course, to top it all off, a sick Samantha with a fever. Friday is creeping up on me. And I'm literally scared sh*tless. I'm scared of how I will feel that morning. I'm scared of how I will handle myself throughout the day. And I'm scared that Jack will not be remembered by me as he should be. I'm scared that 3 years is too long. I'm scared because I am supposed to have a son in my arms and I might not think about him enough. I'm scared that I will feel too much guilt. I am scared of how much it will hurt.
When I lost Jack, it was devastating. Words can not express what the emotions I felt were like. The one year mark was very painful. I couldn't believe that I had lost my son a year ago. I couldn't believe that he was gone. And I could not believe that so much time had passed. Year two was filled with guilt because of my back surgery. Two years was even MORE time than one year and I couldn't believe where the time had gone. Year two made me only imagine a little boy running around and holding and kissing his little sister. And now, year 3 is upon us. Year three is hard. Very hard. It's been 3 years. So yes, that's a long time. I can't believe that EVEN more time has passed. But at the same time, it seems like yesterday. It's a weird one. It's a long time, but it's not. I feel like I want to be alone. I feel like nothing and no one will make feel better. Samantha makes me smile and all I want to do is love her and cuddle her (especially since she is sick), but this week, I just want to stay under the covers alone and cry myself to sleep over and over again. I don't know if this year's remembrance will take place at Rocky Lake or at home. I don't know if I will be caring for a sick baby. I don't know how things will turn out. But I do know that Jack is in my heart, on my mind, and missing from our lives.
What else to say for today... other than I am just down. Really, really down. And I still can not believe that my son is gone.
Hey just know you are in my thoughts, and so is Jack. I know it's a tough time. Sending love. xox A.
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