You are invited to a pity party...

I feel so fat. I have all this baby weight and I feel so gross. I am not happy with the way I look at all. But then at the same time, I am not motivated to do anything to lose any of it. Sure I have been watching what I eat (for the most part) but I am so not motivated to diet or exercise. But then I look at myself and I am grossed out.
I have stretch marks in places I never thought I'd get them. I have more cellulite than I have ever seen on my body. My favorite part of my body (my breasts) are ruined. At least in my eyes.
All this and I don't have a baby to show for it.

Why do I torture myself?

The show One Born Every Second had a season premiere. My DVR recorded it because I watched it last season...during my pregnancy. So what do I do? I play it. Don't ask me why. But what do I do? Cry my eyes out. It's not only because I miss Jack times trillion. It's because I didn't get to hear him cry or see his eyes open. Sean and I didn't get to feel the joy that others parents feel when they first see their baby. Also, I don't get to experience a vaginal birth. I don't get to feel labor pains. I don't get to push.

Ugh I hate this feeling.

Thank you.

Thank you for listening to me go on and on and on and on. You have been there for me through my infertility. You understood what I was going through. You gave me advice and hope and you motivated me to not give up. When you got pregnant (I was so honored to be one of the first people to know), I could say for the first time in a long time (and probably one of the only times), I didn't feel jealousy or bitterness. I was truly happy for you. You deserved it, you deserved to be happy, and you deserved to have your family grow. When I became pregnant with Jack, you were sincerely happy for me. You knew how much it meant to me. You knew just how much of a desire it was for me to be pregnant and start a family. When I lost Jack, you were there for me as soon as you found out. You have been one of the most supportive people through these days with no judgement, with kind words, and with sound advice. You have offered such kindness and love. You are there for me with no questions asked. Now, as I get back on the infertility train and trying for baby #2, you are there once again; giving me the advice and offering your support that I need. I can ask you questions that I can't ask other people whether it be because they don't understand, don't know the answer, or because I only feel comfortable asking you.

All this from an amazing woman I have never met. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

:-)

No that's not my mood. But it is what I saw on the ovulation predictor this morning. Finally!!!!

Goodnight sweet prince. Day 57.

The weather is cooling down. These are the days I dreaded because these are the days I pictured taking you outside, taking you on walks, and dressing you up in cute outfits. The nicer the day, the sadder I feel.

I read Goodnight Moon to you on most nights. I wish I could be reading to you and caressing you. How I wish I could touch your skin. How I wish I could see your eyes watching me as you listen to me read to you.

Goodnight, Moon...

This page makes me cry the most:



I miss you, Jack. Goodnight, my son.

Ugh....

I called the doctor's office today. Jack's final autopsy results and my blood results should be ready. I spoke to the receptionist and asked for either Dr. or his nurse so I could find out autopsy and lab results. She asks me: "autopsy? You mean pathology?" I say, with tears now streaming down my face: "no, autopsy. I had a stillborn baby." I then get transferred right away. I left a message. If they don't call me back by tomorrow, I'll try again.
Oh what fun conversations I get to have....

Goodnight, Jack. Day 56.

I look to my left and see the little shelf with green drawers. It's filled with pacifiers, teething rings, toys, and DVDs. I was so excited to play with you, to use these things, to teach you, to watch you grow.
Goodnight, my sweet prince.

A nice memory I just found

Oh wow, I miss the days that Jack was still in my belly. I still imagine the times he was moving and I could feel him. I miss those days!!!
And I miss seeing him....

I miss you, Jack. I wish I could see you again.

Emptiness

Emptiness surrounds me. My arms are empty. I was supposed to hold you. My heart feels empty. It's broken. Your crib is empty. You are supposed to be lying in there so I can watch you sleep. Your stroller is empty. I was supposed to take you on walks. Our house is empty of your cries and laughs.
Jack, please, PLEASE come back to me! I beg you. I can't live without you.

It didn't work.

Sympathy

I finally put away all the cards and letters we received after Jack's passing. They are in a Winnie the Pooh box by the rocking chair.
I look back on them now. I'm moved by how many people reached out. I'm moved by some of the people who actually made the effort to reach out.
Words like support, prayers, thoughts, the future, sorry, strength, love, tears, condolences... I could go on and on and on.
What I would give to be looking at congratulations cards, welcome baby cards, and cards with pictures of things like balloons and animals.
The words of one person will always stand out the most. She said I glowed and that she envied the pride I had in carrying Jack. That is so true. I was SO proud and happy to be carrying my son. No one can deny me of that.
I miss you, Jack.
Goodnight, my son. Thinking of you every second of the day.

Where are you?

Where are you? I know what you're like. I have been warned time and time again. But I am still asking where you are. I need you. I want comfort from you. Is this really what it is going to be like?
Where are you? Tragedy struck. I need your shoulder. I need your words. I need your support.
Where are you? I thought you would understand now. I thought you could put yourself in my shoes. I just want your company.
Where are you? I am too proud and stubborn to ask.

Come on, O!

Day 16 of my cycle. I know, I know... That's nothing, but I was so regular before! Day 14 came and BOOM! my LH levels would be elevated. Where is my ovulation??? My body still has to adjust back and I know this. I know for a fact my body is still returning back to normal after a major event but I'm just looking into it as anyone would, I would think. I just wish I knew how Sean and I will have to conceive this time. IF we conceive this time. WILL we conceive this time?
If you haven't noticed, infertility SUCKS.

I don't know if it's paranoia, just a feeling, or what, but I wonder if I should be over it and moving on. Maybe I'm too dependent. Maybe I expect more. Tragedy struck but time has passed. I do get the sympathy and "how are you doings?" from people but I get feelings that since everyone else has moved on, I can't be as focused on Jack. Or at least I should keep it to myself. I know no one understands if they haven't been through it. I get that. I know I'm not fun to be around. I know it's the holidays and I'm going to be worse. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. I can't pretend to be ok. It's lonely here. Sorry.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 54.

Goodnight, my perfect child. Another day has passed and all I thought of was you.
I go out in public and babies in strollers surround me and I can't help but think, "that should be me with my baby Jack".
Goodnight, my darling boy. You are on my mind and in my heart.
I sit at home with friends by my side and all I can think about is how you would be with other people, with the noises, with the dogs, etc etc etc. I could go on and on about how imagined you in our lives.
Goodnight, my sweet prince. I read to you hoping you can hear me. Hoping you know that you are and always will be my child. I listen to music with you hoping you can hear it and know that I want you with me. I talk to you hoping you listen to my words and believe them to be true.
Goodnight, my precious son, Jack. I love you. Forever.

His room

Jack's room is still my favorite room of the house. I love the smell. I love the feeling I get in there. Jack's room is now a shrine to my sweet baby. It is filled with things that will remind us of him. Jack is in Jack's room but I wish he was alive in his room. Jack's room is filled with clothes that do not belong to him. I need to get the courage to empty the dresser and closet. Jack's room is where I go to cry and where I go to read to him. I say good night to him every night in there. I wonder if that will ever change. Jack's room was meant to be such a happy place. Now Jack's room brings tears.

Desire

I want to be the person I was 53 days ago. I want to be HAPPY! I don't want to be the person who is on the verge of tears all the time who no one wants to be around. I don't want to feel uncomfortable in every situation I am put in. I don't want everyone else uncomfortable around me. I want people to approach me to tell me how cute my baby is instead people being scared to approach me because they won't know what the appropriate thing to say is. I feel so alone. The loss of a child is such a lonely experience. Yes I have Sean. Yes I have my online support group. And yes I tried the support group. But it's still so lonely in this place. I just want to be happy again.
I love you, Jack.

If today was a good day

If Jack was here with us, I could only imagine the happiness we would be feeling instead of sorrow. Thanksgiving would have been spent with family and friends. I would be waking up this morning excited to start the Christmas season with my son. I would be buying him gifts for his first Christmas. I would be taking pictures with him and Sean next to a beautiful tree that we would get. I would be dressing him up in outfits showing off that it's his first Christmas.
But instead I'm in a silent house with tears streaming down my face. Jack will never spend a Christmas with us.
I plan on not decorating or getting a tree this year. I only plan on getting a tiny tree just for Jack.
I hate that he's gone.

Our Thanksgiving

Sean and I got away from Miami and went up to Rocky Lake for a couple of hours. Just the two of us with our fur babies.
The dogs had a blast and it was a nice day. But of course, we passed by the locations that I took my maternity pictures and then the guest book had my signing it from when I was happily pregnant. That made Sean cry.
I have missed calls and texts from family and friends wishing us a happy Thanksgiving. I can't seem to be able to wish it back. I do want everyone to be happy and thankful, but at the same time, why do they all get to be when I'm not? It's just crappy.
I wonder if I'll make it out for Christmas.

From July 2011. :-(

Thanksgiving

Wow, it's already thanksgiving. Time is flying. The holidays are here. I don't feel like I have much to be thankful for this year. What was the best year of my life has become the absolute worst. Jack was supposed to be here spending his first thanksgiving with his family. There was an outfit I had my eye on that I wanted him to wear. I was so excited to be his mother and to have him with us during the holiday season. I can't believe he's gone.

I am thankful for the friends and family who were amazing when tragedy struck.
I am thankful for the friends and family who are still sticking by us. Even after 52 days, you're still checking in, you're still supportive, and you know that I haven't moved on and still need your kind words. Thank you.
I am thankful for my husband. Without Sean I would be completely lost instead of just lost. He has been my rock and without him, I would probably be dead in all honesty. I love you, Sean.
I am thankful for the months that I carried Jack. I have never been as happy as I was then and that feeling was amazing.
I am thankful for the moment that I was able to see and meet my sleeping son. I will never forget how beautiful he was and how much he impacted our lives.

I miss you, Jack. I wish you were here with us.

Just some research

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ZNvTDTK-0Jk" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

http://www.missfoundation.org/

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/auZDVzBE98w" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

THIS IS WHAT I WILL NEED IF I GET PREGNANT AGAIN:
http://www.protectyourpregnancy.com/Home_Fetal_Monitorin_1F08DF.pdf

http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm

http://www.nationalshare.org/

Just let me grieve please

Please don't tell me it was God's plan.
Please don't tell me that God needed Jack more than I did.
Please don't tell me that Jack's purpose was to be an angel instead of my living son.
Please don't tell me it happened for a reason.
Please don't tell me that I will be pregnant and have kids again.
Please don't make me go places and do things I don't want to do.
Please don't make me spend holidays with family and friends this year.
Please let me be a depressed person who just wants to be alone when I want to be.
Please let me sit and cry in Jack's room as much as I want.
Please don't tell me to do things to help me "move on".
Please don't tell me that I should pretend to be ok so that people will leave me alone.
Please don't think my teaching young children means I am over Jack.
Please don't think that I don't think of Jack every freaking second of every day.
Please don't think that I am not a parent. I HAVE A SON.
Please don't make me do what I don't feel comfortable doing.
Please don't think that even after 51 days, I should be ok.

Just let me grieve for as long as I want, how I want, and when I want.

New journey

I am missing Jack and will always, always miss him. He will never, ever be replaced. I feel like I have to keep justifying that to myself and others. I don't think I'll ever be able to help that. But here we are again... Trying to stay healthy, keeping track of a calendar, peeing on a stick to see if I'm ovulating. I can't believe I'm back here. I did it for about a year and a half before Jack and now I have to do it again. Will it even happen for us? Will the result of all this be a take home baby?? I just can't believe I have to do this allllllll over again.

Really???

I go and try to pee on an ovulation stick. As soon as I put the stick into the adapter, the adapter gives me a little sign of a booklet. I go to the directions to see what that's about. What does it say? Contact customer support, do not use this kit.
I really have luck like this. This is why I wonder if it's meant to be. Maybe Sean and I are not supposed to be parents.

Goodnight, Jack day 49

I sit and rock, stroking your urn, staring at your picture. I would give anything to hold you in my arms, stroke your face, and stare at every inch of your body. Your mobile moves slightly with the air from the fan. What I would give to wrap you in a blanket and place you in your crib and listen to the music as you fall asleep. The empty green wall in front of me makes me think of the one last thing your father and I needed to do in your room. I wanted to fill it with family pictures that included you. Now your room is a shrine to you filled with tears and sadness. Tomorrow will be 50 days that I don't have you, my darling son. I only have memories of carrying you for 38 weeks and 3 days. I only have a picture, ashes, and ink stains to represent your life. Why can't you come back to me? Why do I only dream of you? All I can do is ask why over and over and over. Jack, I miss you.

I wish I knew now what I didn't know then

I wish I got off birth control sooner. I wish Sean and I got married quicker. I wish Sean and I started trying sooner. I wish I knew there would be an issue. I wish I would have saved money. I wish I did the teaching thing (or SOMETHING) sooner mainly so I could have insurance that would help me through this better. I wish I could not worry about how Sean and I would get pregnant.
I'm so sick of the what ifs, the should haves, the could haves, the whys, etc. I just want Sean and I to be happy and not have to keep saying how unfair our life is.

I don't know where I would be right now if it wasn't for Sean. He literally has been my rock. The only "good thing" that came out of this mess of a situation is how much stronger our relationship has becomes. We truly found love in a hopeless place.

I love you, Sean. Forever and always. No matter what.....

Anxious

I think it's because of the holidays coming up, but I'm feeling so unstable and anxious. Any little thing makes me cry, my chest is very tight, and I just want to run away and hide. I hate this feeling.

Lying

As I lie in bed, I can imagine what it was like to feel Jack kick and move. I miss it so much. I wish I could rewind time.

One of those days

It's gorgeous out. It's one of those beautiful days when you feel like you should really be doing something outside. Where am I? In my dark bedroom, in my bed, under the covers. I'm depressed. I look into Jack's room and see the stroller and wish that I could take him on a walk on this nice day. I don't feel like doing anything. All I want to do is cry. All I want is Jack.

Family time

Waking up on the weekends is nice. You get to sleep in, you can spend some extra time in bed, and you can enjoy spending that time with the ones you love. Sean and I lie in bed and talk and have the dogs around us. Sean plays with Molly or cuddles with Cosmo. Do you know what I have pictured a million times? Instead of playing or cuddling with the dog, Jack would be lying between us and we would be playing and cuddling with him. Life is UNFAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heartbroken

My heart literally hurts. I feel so lost and sad. I want to grab my chest and pound it. A Disney World commercial came on and I just lost it. I want to be happy like those people making memories with my family. Why? Why did this happen????
Ouch... It's not getting easier.

Surrounded

I feel surrounded by pregnant people and babies, pictures of babies, and stories of birth and take home babies. I try to avoid, I try to block it, I try to look away, but I feel like it is everywhere. Close by and far away. All I want is to rewind time and actually bring Jack home with us. Then I can be the one happy again, I can be the one posting pictures everywhere, I can look forward to the holidays instead of dreading them, and I can be happy for all the pregnancies around me instead of sad. I hope to one day bring a baby home with me and be happy again. But I'll always want my little boy who left me way too fast.
Will we even get pregnant again? Will I be happy again? Will I be that person I was 47 days ago? If I do get pregnant again, will I be able to handle it? Will we bring home a healthy baby?

School Boy

I subbed today. 4th grade again. The kids were a lot easier today than on Monday. No ESE kids this time. I had a blonde boy in my class. I thought of Jack. I wonder what he would have been like in school. Would he be a trouble maker? Class clown? ESE? Gifted? I guess I'll never know....

Shrine

Jack's shrine, if you will...



I stare at his footprints and handprints every night. I wish I could just hold his hand and play with his feet. I wish I could examine every inch of his body.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 45 without you. It hasn't gotten any easier. I love you. Forever.

Doctors.

Going in to give another vial of blood in the many tests they are doing to see if anything is wrong with me. We have no reason for why Jack is gone. Will my blood show something? I have a feeling the answer will be no. I don't know what's better: finding out I did something wrong to prevent it later or not having an answer which means I did nothing wrong.
The one doctor I do look forward to seeing in the new year is my fertility doctor. I have a feeling I will need another IVF to get pregnant again. I'm just scared out of my mind I won't be able to swing it. I hate my insurance.

Happier moments

I remember the moment Caroline called me to tell me she won the IVF raffle.
I remember the joy I felt knowing that Sean and I would probably get pregnant.
I remember giving myself shots even in a tent at Rocky Lake.
I remember the moment of seeing our embryos.
I remember being so happy when the embryos were transferred and how happy I felt thinking that my baby was going to grow inside of me.
I remember being on bed rest and Sean's concern about me doing anything.
I remember seeing the plus on the pregnancy test and being in shock. I never thought it would happen!
I remember being so happy and pregnant. Those 9 months were the most amazing nine months of my life. That is one thing that no one can take away from me. I was the happiest person in the world and nothing could change that. I waited so long for the moment to finally say "I'm pregnant". I waited so long to watch my belly grow. I waited so long to see that little flutter on the monitor of the ultrasound machine. I literally was the happiest girl in the world. Having Jack inside of me was the greatest thing that could ever happen to me. And then he was taken from me. I miss you, Jack.

First moments I saw Jack:

Things I will miss and wish I got to see

I would have loved to see:
Your eye color
Your hair color
Your smile
Your feet
Your beauty flourish...

Things I will miss being able to do:
Rocking you
Holding you
Listening to your laughter
Holding your hand
Watching you sleep
Taking walks with you
Doing outdoor things with you
Watching your father love you
Watching you grow
Your first step
Your first word
Your first day of school
Being your friend
Giving you advice
Seeing you get married
Being your mother....

Saying goodnight to my son...

Goodbye may seem forever. Farewell is like the end. But in my heart is a memory, and there you'll always be.

Goodnight, Jack. I love you. Forever. You will always be my baby.

Hope I can say this one day...

My cousin sent this to me. She read it on a blog of another woman who had a loss. I hope one day I can these words:

All I can tell you are the few truths that I have learned on this journey. You will survive this. It may feel impossible in the coming days and weeks but I promise you, you will.

When you don't know what else to do - just keep breathing. Things don't return to the way they were, but you will find joy again with time.

Also know that you and your husband will in all likelihood grieve differently. That is okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just hold onto the love you have for one another, the love that created the amazing life that was your child, and you will come out the other side of this stronger than you can imagine.

Laughter is not a betrayal to the child you lost, and tears are not a betrayal to those loved ones you still have with you. Like the bible says “A time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance.” It feels impossible but I promise you, you will dance again. And laugh.

It took me 8 months to even want to go on living. Two years until I smiled on a regular basis. That was my timetable. Do what feels best for you.

Even having walked this road, I find myself at a loss tonight. All I can do is tell you guys how loved you are, and direct as many prayers as I can from those I know in your direction.

Wishing you were here, Jack

Can't get him out of mind. Last night was a hard night for some reason. I sat in his room and sobbed. It's so unfair. I want him here with me so bad.

My baby......

TV shows

I feel a little too close to actually being Meredith Grey; minus the doctor thing... Mother with Alzheimer's, infertility, and now loss of a child (not exactly the same but still).
Can all my bad luck not be rubbed in my face all the time?
Though I continue to watch bc I feel an attachment and I can relate.

Aunt Flo actually welcome

Actually happy to have my period but not happy about heaviness. Can't wait to ovulate. Though I'm not going to get my hopes high. I know how that has felt too many times now.
Fingers crossed please.

Something I Will Never Experience

I will never get to experience labor pains. It may be weird to some, but it makes me sad. I will never get to feel the labor and contractions even if I do get pregnant again. Sometimes I regret deciding to do a C-section with Jack but at that moment, that was the decision I made and I can't take it back. I didn't think I would be able to handle delivering Jack vaginally. Sean said if I have to blame someone for that decision, I can blame him. I just wish it could have gone "normally". I pictured it so many times:
In the middle of the night, I would wake up with labor pains telling Sean "it's time". We would grab Jack's and my bag and head to the hospital. I would call Caroline and she and my other friends would be excited for me (instead of sympathetic). We would check in with smiles on our face and nerves mixed with emotions of excitement instead of misery. And I would push for hours with Sean by my side. And our end result would be beautiful baby Jack breathing, crying, heart beating.
God, why did this happen??

Back to working

I started substitute teaching today. I really liked it as I thought I would. People (including Sean) were worried about me working with kids. I don't know why it didn't affect me and didn't make me think of Jack. I don't think I ever really pictured him in a school setting. Hopefully it will become a full time job at some point. I would give it all up in a second though to be home with Jack Jack in my arms.
I hate the fact that he is not here. :-(

The aftermath

I received his ashes. They are in my home and around my neck. I wanted Jack home, but not like this. I want him with me everywhere, but not like this. I want him in my pictures, but not like this.

We planted a tree on Jack's due date, October 15th 2011. It's rainbow eucaplytus in our front yard. I look at it everyday. We released butterflies in his honor as well. Now, every time I see a butterfly, I think Jack is visiting me.

Halloween was so hard. I had Jack's outfit all ready for him for that day. I could not wait! But alas, my first Halloween with him was not as I expected...

My sister took his ashes yesterday to be blessed. I couldn't go. I can't imagine God doing this to me. I can't imagine Jack as an angel instead of my baby. The Monsignor blessed his ashes with prayer then took him to the baptism basin and baptized him. My son's urn full of ashes was baptized. At least his godmother was with him.

The day I'll never forget

October 3, 2011... 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It was a Monday. I drove to the doctor, stopping by Subway to get something to eat. There was no room in the parking lot, so I went across the street to Burger King and ate in the car for the rest of the ride to the doctor's office.
Sitting in the waiting room on the 3rd floor, I was in complete innocent bliss. I couldn't wait to get my cervix checked to see how much longer until I could meet my son. I was so excited.
My name was called. When the doctor came in, he did his usual measurements and grabbed the doppler. He used the one doppler for about 5 minutes and said he would try another one because it might not be working well. He used that doppler for about 10 to 15 minutes and I kept asking if I should be worried. I kept thinking to myself "come on, Jack, just move for me, baby." At this point, I was scared. The doctor told me to get dressed so we could do an ultrasound to check. I was freaking out. As I waited for the ultrasound tech, I grabbed my phone and googled every possible reason why a heartbeat could not be found. All I found was bad news. I was called into the ultrasound room and that's when it happened. Baby Jack was completely still and the heartbeat line was flat. Tears flowed and cries came out. I couldn't believe it. Was this actually happening to me???? I felt the world around me just fall to pieces.
My doctor gave me a hug and the ultrasound tech said her "I'm so sorrys" and my doctor took me into his office. "I have to call my husband" were my next words. Sean answered right away (thank God) and I broke the news to him. He rushed right over. While waiting, I called my friend Caroline and through my cries I heard her asking me to repeat the news and asking if it was a joke.
After hearing our options of vaginal labor, waiting for me to go into labor on my own, or C-section, both Sean and decided on C-section. I could not deliver my dead son with hours of pushing. I just couldn't. I was cried "that's it". I couldn't do this again. Sean and I are not meant to be parents. I couldn't believe the tears and cries that I had let alone what Sean's reaction was. I did not want to put Sean through that again.
We went over to the hospital. The walk over was like a dream. I couldn't believe the son inside of me that I waited for and that I was so happy about was dead. I could feel him in there, just heavy. No movement, no fluttering, no hiccups. Just him. The nurses who walked us to our room knew what was going on. They took me with such kindness and sympathy to a back room away from everyone and everything else. I was told I had to wait 8 hours since I ate earlier before my surgery. I called who I needed to call and cried at every moment. Sean and I had lost the son we dreamt about for so long. I could feel his feet on the right side and I just wanted him to move so I could say it was all a dream. Someone came in and asked us the devastating question, "I hate to bring this up but in order for us to do an autopsy, we need you to pick a funeral home". Funeral home? I did not know where to even start. I never thought I would have to think about that. Luckily, our support system took over. From that moment on, Sean and I did not have to deal with the questions, the concerns, the funeral arrangements. Our amazing friends did everything for us. I do not know where I would have been without them.
After the long wait and the visitors who came to support us, it was time. The priest came in for the blessing and the anesthesiologist came in with the drugs. I remember feeling the drugs and seeing everyone as I was being wheeled away.
Sean sat next to me as the surgery happened. I couldn't believe we were delivering a dead son rather than being joyful and waiting to hold our new baby boy. I kept wishing I would hear a baby crying but my wishes did not come true. I told the doctors and nurses I did not want to see Jack because it would be too hard. But after the surgery, my doctor came up to my head and said I should see him otherwise I would regret it so I did. JACK WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABY I HAVE EVER, EVER SEEN. Sean and I held him and caressed him and cried and said over and over how beautiful he was. Sean says all he remembers is those red lips on my cheek. I am so glad I saw him and touched him. Now I only wish it was for longer. We both knew at that moment that we had to try again. Our mission is to have another beautiful baby, a sibling for Jack, a family.
The nurse asked me if she could take him to my friends and family and show him to them. I said yes. We spent time in the recovery room which felt like forever. I just wanted to be back in my room with our family and friends. Sean sat by my side the entire time just holding me. We cried, we talked, we couldn't believe it.
The doctor said the umbilical cord was around his neck once but it didn't seem like it would have caused Jack to die. They could not see anything to show why it happened. We had no answers. Just a dead son.
We were wheeled back to our room a little after midnight. Our support system was there to make sure we were ok and they left for the night. My eyes were so puffy I could barely see. I couldn't sleep. I was awake throughout most of the night and finally watched the night turn to day. Please let this be a dream, I thought. But it wasn't.
Sean and I spent 2 days in the hospital before coming home. The drive home and pulling up to our house was very hard. We came home empty handed.