First time for everything

I held a baby for the first time today since losing Jack. I couldn't do it when he was a brand new born but now that he's bigger, I took him in my arms. I'm ok, but I am not healed. I just know I want a relationship with my best friend's son. I want him to know me and I want to be part of his life no matter how hard it is. It is scary as hell though. Babies born after Jack bring up so many emotions. And I do hope I can do it with my baby girl in the future. Sean and I are still so scared we won't be doing that one day. In 9 weeks and 6 days we will find out I guess.

Home.... Alone

Today is the first day in a while that I am not working or that I HAVE to do something. I look around the house and it's empty and quiet. Jack should be crying or eating or cuddling with me. Instead I stare at his pictures and his urn and feel empty and sad.
Time for me to get out of the house. I wish he was here.

Real

I have 10 weeks to go. It doesn't seem real to me that I will have a baby to hold and take home with me. I really feel like I am going to lose my baby girl and only experience the connection I have with her now. I do not feel like I will feel that mother daughter connection ever. I love my pregnancy and I love the baby that is growing inside of me. But I feel that's as far as this will go. Again. Do I hope that's not true? Of course. Do I feel attached to the baby that is growing and moving in me? Very much so. I just can't yet picture myself hearing her scream coming out and holding a breathing, living baby. I picture myself losing another baby. We can only hope that will not happen....

Weekend Away

We had a nice weekend away. I was able to talk to Jack. Oh how I wish he was with us. I really wonder how he would be. I really wonder how it's going to be to actually have a baby, have a child. I think about it and it really has not hit me that I may actually have a happy ending to this pregnancy. Yes I am attached and I love her more than words can express. But I do not truly feel that I will meet her alive and bring her home. It has not hit me that Sean and I may actually be parents to a living child.
I was also able to celebrate Samantha by taking some pictures. I really hope she actually makes it so I can show her these pictures one day. And so I can actually enjoy the pictures instead of looking back on them and feeling sad.

Just to share a few...

I wish

I wish I could see Jack again. I wish that I can touch him and hold him. I wish I could have had more time with him. I wish I could have seen his feet. I wish I could have stroked his hair. I wish I could have inhaled his scent so that it could last with me forever. I wish I could hold his hand. I wish I could kiss his forehead. I wish I could kiss him every where. I wish I could tell him how much I love him. I wish he could know what a gift he is. I wish I could spend more time with Jack. Forever in my heart. Never forgotten. I hope he doesn't think I have moved on, because I haven't....

Just thinking

As I sit at the doctor's office (starving) waiting for the 3 hours and for the drawing of blood every hour, I just hope high blood sugar is yet another problem I won't have. I just want to go through the next couple of months in a normal manner so I have one less thing to worry about other than my daughter dying. I research gestational diabetes and one of the higher risk people is women who have had stillborn babies. What a category I fit into....
Crossing my fingers that I pass this damn test!

Jinx

I don't want to jinx things, but so far these past few days, I've been doing ok. Jack is of course constantly on my mind and every little thing reminds me of him. But I'm doing my best to look forward. But then I say those words and I think to myself, STOP jinxing things!!! I call my baby girl by her name and make it real but then I think I should not do that. Ugh, I did not want to get to this point of attachment. I'm so scared... At least June is around the corner and by the end of June I'll be seeing her every week. Please, please, please let everything be ok.

Can we fast forward?

So it looks like the baby girl will hopefully make her debut on 8/8/12 at 12 noon. If all goes well, that is when I will hopefully have a healthy baby to hold and take home. I wish so badly there was a crystal ball to tell me yes everything will be fine or no don't even think of getting your hopes up. I just can't wait for August to get here already. Please, baby girl, hold on and stay safe so your daddy and I can love you and take you home. Please please please.

The fear continues

As Samantha has become a squirmer and a mover, the fear I knew would happen has arrived. I am doing my kick counts. I do them everyday. Yet another reason iPhone apps are cool, I can count kicks well. However, I now start realizing times pass that I don't feel her move and I make sure to pay attention. And if I don't feel her move, my fear takes over. I feel that I've lost her and that it's happening all over again. I beg her to move for me and if I don't feel anything, I rush to the Doppler. Eventually, so far, I feel movement or hear her heart. But will that continue to happen or will I have to rush to the doctor and see that flat line again? I hate that I can't enjoy my pregnancy. Tomorrow is another day closer to August....

Poster child

I am thankful for kindness and sympathy. It gets me through my darkest moments. And it's one of the reasons I am still here. Please don't think I take that for granted. However, I feel like sometimes people look at me like the poster child for unhealthy, sick, or problems with their children. It's so hard for me to express this frustration and I'm doing it just to vent. Not to show ungratefulness in any way. When you think of me when you are scared in your pregnancy or when something may be wrong with your baby, you think "I'm so grateful that I get to have my baby" or "I can thank God that I have my children that surround me". Well, yes. Good for you. But not me. My son is dead and I don't have him with me.

Butterflies and signs

I let the dogs outside and I noticed Cosmo sniffing at something on the ground. I look and there is a butterfly just sitting there. I was able to take him and hold him in my hands and even take him to the front yard through the house to place him by Jack's tree. I do really wonder if these are signs of our lost loved ones. I did believe in things like that, but now I just wonder. Can there be a beyond? I would like to think so. I would like to think there is some sort of hope that I will see Jack again. That things like that butterfly really are him letting me know that he does think of me and watch over me. I will definitely let Samantha know that she has a big brother and an angel that will watch over her.

Here's my butterfly moment...

Quote

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those that had to give a child back."

- Erma Bombeck

Through sickness and kindness.

I think I'm too sick to be depressed. I'm scared to cry because then I'll get more stuffed up. I'm trying to just focus on getting better.
Also, kind words, a lot that I did not expect, helped a lot as well. I woke up this morning to sweet words from Sean wishing me a happy mothers day. I got messages throughout the whole day from people who I barely talk to, from my best friends, from my family, friends and from people are hardly know. I got a card that I did not expect. I was really acknowledged as a mother today. It was hard because Jack is not here but I know deep down that I am, and always will be, his mother. I love you, my angel.

On this difficult day...

I have no words at the moment. I just feel lost. A lost person who doesn't know if she is a mother or not. I'm sure I will write more later, but for now, someone else's words:

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

Ugh

That's all I can give for the title because that describes how I feel today. Tomorrow is lingering. Sean has plans for us. He says to just think about it as being "our day". But all I can think about is Jack. How Jack should be here with me. How I should be happy. How I should be able to finally celebrate a day I was looking forward to. Why has life let me down? Being a mother is something I wanted so badly for so long. It comes so easy to so many people. But not with me. No one will understand. I tried so long and then just when I thought I would be able to have the title, it was taken from me. It pulls so hard at my heart. My mind and heart and body yearn so badly to be known as a mother, a mom, mama, mommy. But instead, I am just a woman who had a stillborn son. I am a woman people are afraid to talk to; who people avoid. I am a pregnant woman who is in fear for her baby's life. I am a woman who is wallowing in self pity because all she wants is to be someone's mother. I am a woman who sees all the mother's day commercials and my eyes just well up with tears. That was supposed to be me. Jack should be here. Jack should be in my arms. I should be his mother!
The sadness begins today. I have crawled back into bed and don't plan on getting out. Unhealthy, I know. But at this point, I don't care....

Lonely nights

Alone, festering in sadness and tears. Awaiting the dreaded day. My son should be here with me. Instead, I'm having a breakdown because my son is dead. I should be celebrating my life as a mother. Instead, I am so scared that I will completely lose it on mother's day because I don't feel like a mother. I should be excited about the beautiful baby that's developing inside of me. Instead, I have a fear that I will lose another child.
I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I can't wait for August. I can't wait to have a real, genuine smile again. I can't wait for true happiness. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm scared. These are emotions that run me into the ground.

Angel Buddy

As the dreaded day approaches, I got a nice card from my angel buddy from the bump. It is nice to be acknowledged as a mother. It is nice to receive something. And it's nice to have the support from someone I don't even know. A fellow loss mother. How sad we are in this situation.

More time to think...

As I lay in bed, sick, trying to rest and get better, I have plenty more time to think of my Jack, the upcoming dreaded day, and my fear for Samantha's life. I took for granted the days of work when I had my mind preoccupied. Now I just wonder about how things would have been if Jack were here. What kind of baby he'd be. Would he be scared of thunder? Would I be up all night with him? Then I think of mothers day and just want to break down. I want my baby son with me here so I can celebrate that day. Then my fear for my baby girl surrounds me. Will I meet her? Will I hold her alive? She kicks to remind me that she is still with me. I must get better for her sake. I love you, my children. Both of you.

Song

There are many songs and pieces of writing that I dedicate to Jack. And I always look for more. But this will be my song for Samantha if she gets here to me safely:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00&feature=branded

Christina Perri-A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more 

That feeling

The feeling of losing my baby girl is haunting me. I have serious feeling of what if it happens again. I can't help it. Sean says it won't happen. But I know he's just saying that for my benefit and I know he is probably just as scared and nervous. Seriously. Think about it. It can happen again and I will be heart broken alllllll over again. What do I do if it happens again? How do I live after that? I just want to know everything will be ok. I wish I could see the future. 3 more months. Please, time, go by faster.

Grieving

Maybe it's the day, maybe it's because I'm sinking yet again, but here I am feeling the depression coming on. Yesterday I did so much better. I felt a little normal. Now, I'm back here again. Today (or yesterday) is a day for mothers who have lost their children. I can't believe I fit into that "category". I'm the mother of a dead son who I will never be able to hold or talk to or laugh with. I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I will never be able to watch him grow up to be someone I can teach and be proud of. My life will go on. I will hopefully have my daughter and other children to come, but forever will Jack be in my heart and on my brain. He is the son I will never be able to have.

Thanks to A, here's a link for an online magazine. Glad to know there's more support out there.
http://stillstandingmag.com/

What a nice dream

I had a wonderful dream last night about baby girl's birth. Everything went smoothly and she cried when she came out. Sean went and told people waiting that she was out and weighed 7.7 lbs and was 21 inches. Oh I am so anxious for August. I just want to know if everything will be ok or not. I wish someone could predict the future and tell me yes or no. That would help me out a lot.

Pictures and Videos of my girl

I go and look at my collection of pictures and videos I have of my baby girl. I hope so badly that she makes it. I can't go through that heart ache again! I will admit it. I am attached to my baby girl. I want her to make it. I want to hold her and hear her cry. I want to smell her and touch her. I love feeling her kick and move around. I love listening to her heartbeat. I can not wait to meet her and I hope that I will meet her alive. I want to meet my baby girl and BRING HER HOME! Jack will forever and ever be my baby boy. But I am in love with his sister. I want her to make it and be with me. Please, please. Whoever is out there or whatever is out there, please, please don't let Sean and I lose another child. I don't think we would be able to handle it. And we have so much love to give. I just want August 8th to get here already so I can know what will happen. The waiting part is the worst. 3 months to go.....

24 Weeks

As time passes...

I know people have lives and have moved on from the loss of Jack. It's easier for them to move on than for me. The loss of a child definitely makes people shy away. It shows which friends stick around and who is sensitive. As the month numbers get bigger, the acknowledgements get fewer. I am not mad about it. Maybe a little sad. But it is to be expected.
On that note, I want to plan something very nice for Jack's one year. Trying to come up with ideas.....

Seven freaking months

I can't believe it's been 7 months. With every month that passes, it does not get easier. At all. My little boy should be a seven month boy learning new things and developing into a child. Sean hugged me as I cried and pointed out how it's been almost a year. Where has the time gone? I want to rewind and be with my Jack again. I'll even relive it again just to see him, touch him, hold him one more time. The question why will be embedded in my brain.
I miss you, Jack. I hope you are safe and are being taken care of.

The title

I am Jack's mother and he will forever and ever be my first child; my son. But do I get to have the title of mother? I wish so badly my son was here so that I can know for a fact that I am a mom. That I lived almost 7 months just for him and to be a mommy. My baby girl is already a loved daughter who I hope to meet in August but I don't feel like I should get my hopes high to say I am her mother yet. What if she doesn't make it either?
Oh the torment of emotions.