As time passes

It's weird. I was a mess when I lost Jack. I completely felt like my world came to a shattering end and I could not go by a day without bawling my eyes out. I could not be apart from Sean. Then things kind of reached a plateau and I could go through days without crying and I could finally let Sean go away. After hitting the 5 month mark, I feel like I hit a wall again. Even thinking about the 6 month mark makes me want to throw up. I'm back to the anger and the sadness that I felt that day, that week, that month. The big question of WHY keeps popping into my head. Actually, I think it's embedded into my brain forever. I search for happiness in my heart so that I can supply this baby with some sort of positivity but I can't find it. I don't think it will happen until I know this baby will be alive and healthy. People keep telling me, "this baby WILL be ok" "I know the same thing won't happen again". How do you know all this? Do you have some crystal ball I don't know about? If so, please SHOW me and PROVE to me that I have nothing to worry about. Because I don't believe it. I lost Jack and did not have the time to heal before this pregnancy. Do I regret getting pregnant so fast? Absolutely not. I am thrilled and overjoyed and relieved that we got pregnant. BUT that does not mean that it scares the ever living crap out of me and it doesn't mean that I do not constantly think of Jack and why he is not here. I just wish I could be blissfully happy. Maybe one day...