Travel

I am leaving for NYC today. Yes I'm looking forward to it because it will be getaway and I haven't been there in a while. But I can't help but wish Jack was with me so that I could take him. Or if he was with me, would I even be going? I watched the episode of 19 kids and counting that has the loss of the baby at about 18 weeks. Feelings came rushing back. I will always remember that day, I think about it everyday. But watching that episode made me remember even more. Why did I watch, you ask? Because it is a little comforting to see other people go through what I did. I just hope I don't go through it again.

I miss you, Jack. I love you, Jack. And I wish you were here, EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Some developments

I went to my OB today. Got to hear my baby girl's strong heart beat. The doctor changed my due date to August 22nd which I knew was going to happen because I ovulated late. So he told me to schedule a C-section around the 8th of August. So Sean and I decided on 8/10/12. It's just a matter of scheduling. I can't believe it's actually happening.

Church

We went to a mass today at Sean's parents' church which was intended for "Baby Jack and family". As soon as that was said, the tears flowed. And all around us were nice, happy families and A LOT of little boys. It was nice to have a mass for Jack and it was nice to be there since Sean and I did not go to the other masses that my family did and the "funeral". But I know after how I reacted to day (over 5 months later), I would have been a mess at the other services for Jack.

As I watched the people go up to communion, there was a mother holding a little girl's hand and her big brother walked beside them. My only thought: "that should be Jack with his little sister". Then I saw a man holding a little blonde boy who could not have been more than 2. My eyes welled up with tears again. It was hard but nice at the same time.

I miss him so much.

A step?

So I went to a few stores today and got some girls' clothes. I don't know if this means I am making progress. It's actually more because I have NOTHING girly. So I figured little by little, I would look at clearance sections and whatever is for sale and start collecting stuff for my little girl. I have some neutral stuff but I figure she deserves some stuff for a girl. I do love her. I do want her. I am just so scared...

To the people who are there...

Thank you to the people who have been there for me.
Thank you to the people who are STILL there for me.
Thank you to the people who really try to understand and get what I am going through.

Got this from A.... (thank you)

SOMEBODY
Somebody said
it was all for the best,
that something was probably wrong.
Somebody said,
it was meant to be.
Different verse,
same miserable song.
Somebody said,
"You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.
Somebody said,
"It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.
Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors.
Somebody isn't a friend.
But somebody said, "I'm sorry."
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand when I cried.
And somebody always listened 
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never be the same.

Boy things

Since I found out I am having a girl, it's hard for me to look at boy clothes, boy toys, etc. I feel like if I was having a boy, it wouldn't be hard because it would be stuff I could use for my future boy. But now, when I see those things, all I will think about is Jack. I went through the baby room and put away everything that was FOR Jack into boxes and it's in the closet. I gave all the clothes back to Jen and it is kind of a relief. It'll just be hard for me to be around little boys, boy's things, etc. Things like that will always, always remind me of my Jack Jack and I miss him so.

Wellllll....

It's a girl. I felt it. I knew it. So I expected it. But there was that glimmer of hope for a little boy. I wanted Sean and I to have our little boy. That opportunity was stolen from us. I am happy of course and will be happy as long as my baby is healthy and alive and happy. But it's hard. Sean says he's ok and he already has ideas to add to the room. But I know it hurts him because he wanted the son to teach how to do things and spend time with. But I know he will love his little daughter and she will be his girl.

I had a little talk with Jack this morning before leaving for the doctor. I told him that no matter what the baby is, he will never, ever be replaced and he will always be our first son. I wish he was here so badly....

So far everything looks good with baby girl. I will be going in every 4 weeks. Can't wait to see her again. Hope time goes by fast. It's hard not to fall in love....

Here's my baby girl at 18 weeks:

I was right

I barely slept last night. Sean didn't sleep much either. Don't know if his reasons were the same. I just can't believe it's today... I'm pretty much half way through this pregnancy. I wish I could tell the future and know that everything will be ok. That's wall I want to know!!!

Tonight

I foresee myself not sleeping well tonight. I have a mixture of happy and nervous emotions bubbling inside of me. I'm excited to finally know what the sex is but I'm also scared to see if anything is wrong. I hope I get some rest....

Hard day

Baby showers and kids birthdays are not my thing anymore. They are super hard and I will now go only if necessary. It's hard to be surrounded by women oohing and ahhing over baby things. It's hard to take part in games that involve anything associated with babies. It's hard to hear stories or predictions of people going into labor. And it's so hard to hear and see the "look how cute" at baby boy outfits. It's hard to be around people who look at me with pathetic eyes because they know I can crack. And I do crack. I did crack. Will I ever be normal again?

And I'm nervous about Monday. I'm nervous about finding out the sex and if seeing if there's anything wrong.

God I just want to be happy and normal again.

Nerves

I'm starting to get nervous about Monday. I really don't know what to expect when it comes to my reaction. I'm scared if it's a boy that I'll cry because it should be Jack. I'm scared that if it's a girl, I'll be sad because I won't get to have the boy I wanted to have. I have so many mixed emotions, I can barely contain them. All I know is that I will be happy when I know this baby is safe. But until then, the nerves just overtake every other feeling. This pregnancy is hard. Very hard.

Insensitivity

There are some people who don't get it. I understand, you won't understand what I am going through unless you have gone through it yourself, but come on. A little sensitivity please. My son died. How else can I put it in a way to say how hard it is. He is DEAD. Dead. My baby boy died before I could raise him and watch him grow. DEAD. Yes I'm pregnant again, but do you know how many mixed emotions comes with that? I'm happy I'm pregnant, then I feel guilty for feeling happy. I'm scared that it will happen again. I want to be happy but I don't want to be attached. It's an emotional roller coaster that is a CRAZY ride. I am literally scared of babies and kids. I am afraid that being around them will cause me to have a meltdown. And even more, when I see babies that are the age that Jack should be, I can't handle it. I look at them, and I'll ALWAYS look at them, and think: "that should be Jack". Even if I have 10 kids, I will look at those kids at whatever age they are and think that should be Jack. What the hell makes ANYONE think that would be easy for me? Or even something I can handle? I would think that people who are parents would get it. I would think that they could at least try to put themselves in my shoes and try to imagine their lives without their babies. It hurts, doesn't it? And time doesn't take the pain away. The pain will NEVER go away so stop asking when I will get over it. I will just learn to live with the pain but it will never, EVER go away. I will never be over the loss of my son.

As time passes

It's weird. I was a mess when I lost Jack. I completely felt like my world came to a shattering end and I could not go by a day without bawling my eyes out. I could not be apart from Sean. Then things kind of reached a plateau and I could go through days without crying and I could finally let Sean go away. After hitting the 5 month mark, I feel like I hit a wall again. Even thinking about the 6 month mark makes me want to throw up. I'm back to the anger and the sadness that I felt that day, that week, that month. The big question of WHY keeps popping into my head. Actually, I think it's embedded into my brain forever. I search for happiness in my heart so that I can supply this baby with some sort of positivity but I can't find it. I don't think it will happen until I know this baby will be alive and healthy. People keep telling me, "this baby WILL be ok" "I know the same thing won't happen again". How do you know all this? Do you have some crystal ball I don't know about? If so, please SHOW me and PROVE to me that I have nothing to worry about. Because I don't believe it. I lost Jack and did not have the time to heal before this pregnancy. Do I regret getting pregnant so fast? Absolutely not. I am thrilled and overjoyed and relieved that we got pregnant. BUT that does not mean that it scares the ever living crap out of me and it doesn't mean that I do not constantly think of Jack and why he is not here. I just wish I could be blissfully happy. Maybe one day...

Jack should be here

I hate that I've become this person who is scared to attend her best friends baby shower. I hate that I have to avoid going to things like birthday parties because I'm afraid of babies. And I hate that I'm scared to touch my friends' children bc I feel like I'll have a meltdown. Jack should be here so I can show him off to the world. I should have him here in my arms instead of the emptiness I feel. More tears....

Of course it happens when I am emotional

So it finally happened... There was a cute blonde boy in one of the classes I subbed today named Jackson. Too close to the name Jack. Ouch. :-(

One of those days

I'm feeling extra sad today. I feel empty. I'm home this morning because I'll be seeing my parents and working for my old boss in the afternoon. The house just feels quiet and empty. I feel hollow. I feel like something is missing and I know that is Jack. I look into the baby room and I just weep. He is supposed to be in there. I am supposed to be with him. I feel so lost and alone. I feel scared. I just don't know if these feelings will ever go away. Will I ever be happy again and go through a day and not well up with tears? I feel so unstable today. And I just feel alone.

Pretty sure

I'm pretty sure I felt movement today. Just slight little flutters. I just can't believe it. I can't believe I'm here again. I wish it could be a happy time and an exciting time. And it kind of is... But it's also a scary time. What will happen on the days that I don't feel a lot of movement? What will happen if I don't feel this one move at all? What if this baby isn't active like Jack? What if I lose this baby too?????

L&D

It really makes me sad that I will never experience (or at least I doubt I will) labor and a vaginal delivery. I look back and wonder if I made the right decision to have a C section with Jack. But at the moment, I felt that I would not be able to deliver my dead baby after who knows how many hours of pushing and pain. Also, at least now, I can have the doctor take out this baby a bit earlier just in case. But I am sad I will never have the "honey, it's time" moment. Or the agonizing pushing that ends with an amazing result. When people talk about their experiences, it just makes me sad to know that I won't be able to go through that. It's something I have always looked forward to. I know some women think I'm crazy because of the pain but to me, it would have been an amazing experience.

Breakdown

I had my 5 month breakdown. I went into the baby room, took one look at Jack's picture, and lost it. I am supposed to be holding my five month old son. What would he be like today? What would he look like? I'm so scared of this happening to us again. I'm so scared of how we will handle the baby if it actually makes it. It won't be Jack but it will still be our baby. What if this baby looks like Jack?
5 months gone by too quickly. I want my Jack.

5 months

5 months ago was the worst day of my life. I lost my son who I loved before I met. I lost the baby that I had been waiting years for. I lost my world. I should be holding a 5 month old baby right now instead of waking up and crying because I can't believe it's been 5 months. Sean should be playing with his son instead of the dogs. I should be going into his room and holding him and kissing him. Instead, all we have is a memory and a picture. I can't believe it's been 5 months......

Meeting

I finally got to meet one of the most supportive people in my life. She is so amazing and has been there for me through my battle with infertility, through my pregnancy, through my loss of Jack, and now this pregnancy. It's been about 2 years and we finally met. She has really been there for me. She has been there for me even more than people who are around me and who I see on a daily basis. Thank you, Christine. And I was so happy to finally meet you and hug you in person!!

Disbelief

I still can't believe that I am pregnant. It hasn't hit me that another baby is growing inside of me. I will feel something going on and wonder, "oh shit! is that the baby? I forgot about it." No, I'm not feeling movement yet. It's usually just gas or my stomach growling. I was JUST pregnant with Jack and I have felt phantom kicks after losing him for some time so it's not like I don't know what movement feels like. I just can not believe I have another little person growing inside of me. I just hope and pray (pfff...) that this baby will come home with me. I picture how it will be being handed a live baby. But then I shake my head and picture Jack being given to me, asleep, forever... I'm so scared that will happen again. I wish we could know the future in these situations. I just want to know that everything will be ok. I want to know that I don't have to stress and worry. Ever since Jack, my wishes and desires don't seem to come true so I don't know why I try.