How it is

As time passes after Jack and as time gets closer to Samantha, it's interesting how people react to Sean and me. Some people treat us like a plague and don't know how to approach us. I run into people who see me pregnant and they don't know how to react. I scare them. Some people think that after time and after getting pregnant again, Sean and I are ok and we don't need them anymore. They think time heals the wound of losing a son. FYI, it doesn't. They think that since we are pregnant again, we should have moved on and completely focus on our new pregnancy. Not only does it make me miss Jack more, it also scares the crap out of me because how do I know what will happen to Samantha. There are those who have moved on with their lives and forgotten about us. This is the difficult position for us because how can we expect anyone to still be sympathetic and caring when everyone has their own lives; their own issues? Then of course there are those that have stuck by us throughout the past almost 10 months and have been there no matter what and don't forget that Jack exists. People on the bump talk all the time about how they have lost friends or have drifted from friends after their loss. I did not expect that to happen to me, but it's something I have to accept and move on from. How else will I survive? I just have to focus on my family's future and the people that will be there not only in the present but in the future.

Almost...

My baby girl telling us one more week to go....

I can't believe it's almost here and I don't think it will hit me till that day. Or even when we are bringing home.

Sleep

It's been hard to sleep for a while now. Yes I get the sleep I need but now and then I have had the nights where I don't. Thoughts of Jack have stirred me awake. About him being here, reliving that horrible day, or just wishing he was still inside me. Then throughout this pregnancy, heart burn and going to the bathroom have kept me up at night. And of course the thoughts of her not moving and being dead inside me keep me up at night. Now, as time gets closer, I'm losing sleep thinking of the big day. Will everything be ok? What will she be like? Will she be a fussy baby? Will I get to bring her home? Will she be healthy and alive? The questions go on and on... Then I realize if we do bring her home, I won't be sleeping much then either. But for good reason. This count down is just nerve wracking....

Daddy

Sean and I went to a wedding yesterday where there were a lot of children. Of course my first thought is how I wish Jack was there, what he'd be like around all those kids, and how much I wish I could show him off to the world.
At one point, we were inside and the kids (mainly boys) were playing with trucks on the floor in front of me, Sean sitting next to me on the floor. The little boys had him join in their fun with the trucks, books, and other toys. Watching Sean play with them killed me. He is such a good dad and he has missed the opportunity to be a dad to Jack. He would have loved it and been so good! I want to scream when I think of that and the pain in my heart is great. If Samantha gets here, she will be one lucky little girl and she will love her daddy. I just know it.

Differences

I wonder if the differences I feel with this pregnancy are a sign. Does it mean that the outcome will be different? I sure hope so. But I'm sure it's normal. And if I do ever get pregnant again, that one will probably be different too.

With this pregnancy:
A lot more movement
Worse heart burn later in pregnancy
A lot more uncomfortable to move
Harder to sleep at night due to discomfort
Peeing a lot more especially throughout the night (every 2-3 hours)
I literally feel her head pushing "down there"
I always felt Jack's butt being there (even when he had passed) but with Sam, I feel like I know where each part of her body is
Sam's foot literally pushes at my side
In the beginning of this pregnancy, I didn't like certain smells
There are certain foods I do or don't want throughout the stages of this pregnancy. Right now, I don't want bacon.
Sean feels her move from outside a lot more than he did with Jack.
I feel her higher up next to my chest now.
I feel her have hiccups a lot. I never felt that with Jack.

I'm sure there are more. I want to remember these moments. No matter the outcome.

Spotted...

I went to Whole Foods and saw a little boy who could have been Jack. The mom was pushing him in the cart. He was about how old Jack would be with blonde hair and blue eyes. Just as I imagine he would have looked like. It's so hard to see boys like that. It's like a stab in the heart for me. I just wish so badly that I had him with me so I can show him off. So I can take him places and push him around.
Jack, you are CONSTANTLY on my mind. Please do not ever think otherwise. I see you everyday and wish so badly that you were next to me. I will never forget you and you will never be replaced.

14 days

2 weeks to go. 2 weeks till I meet my baby girl.... hopefully. I get so scared thinking it will just happen all over again. Am I jinxing things by getting ready? Should I not have prepared myself for this baby and just waited to make sure? I can't help to think that but then I know me and I know I want to be prepared. I will just have to put everything away all over again if I lose her. I can only just hope and pray (if that even works) that the day will come and I will hear her cry and see her breathe and touch her warm skin. I can only hope that the next 14 days go by fast so that we will finally see if we will meet her.

17 days

When we lost Jack, I counted days as they went up and up and up. I can't believe so many days have passed since that dreaded day. Now as August 8th gets closer, I'm doing the opposite. In 17 days, we should know if we will be bringing home our daughter. Do I wish it was Jack? Of course I do, but I am so grateful for Samantha and I know I can't put any blame or heartache on her. It's just so hard. For both Sean and me. We are nervous of losing her. We are nervous of actually bringing home a baby. We are wishing it was Jack. We can't wait to meet Samantha. So many different emotions all balled up in our hearts and minds. It's something that I can't really describe. The feeling of anticipation plus the feelings of guilt and heartache all mixed up with sadness and fear. I never wish this on anyone. Ever....

Passing time

I look at Jack's picture and urn and can't believe it's been almost 10 months. Samantha kicks and moves in my womb but there are times when I wish it was still Jack. I would have loved to meet him and watch him grow. I am grateful for my daughter. I am grateful for the love I already feel for her, but I will forever grieve my son and wish he was here with me. Instead I am forced to try to "hang in there", to try "not to put stress on my baby", to do my best for her. I had about 2 months to myself to grieve the loss of my son without his sister inside of me. Was it enough? What do I do if I lose her too? Do we try again right away or do I take more time to myself? Especially after being pregnant for about 2 years in a row. But how do I handle empty arms again?
3 weeks. In 3 weeks, we should know if we will find happiness with our daughter or not.

The new me

Ever since losing Jack, I have become so different. I don't know if everyone sees it or not. It's mostly mental and emotional. Things set me off easier. My anxiety levels can be crazy. I don't sleep well alone anymore. Friday night, I had to sleep without Sean, and it was just a mess. I need him next to me for the comfort, for the reassurance, and just for the fact that I need to know my husband is still with me. I lost my son, I can't lose Sean too. Unlikely? Maybe, but can you blame me? I am not a normal person when it comes to loss anymore. Expected loss I can handle. Unexpected loss is a different story. Let's just hope that one day soon, I'll have a baby girl next to me. But that will just bring on a whole new fear....

Getting closer

3 weeks and 2 days... I can't believe it. Will it actually happen? Will I hear my baby cry? Will I be able to bring her home? Will I watch my daughter grow up? Oh, Jack, how I wish you could be here to be with your family. You are so missed. But thank you. Thank you for watching over us. But please continue to watch over your sister and send her to us nice and safe please.

Here she is:

Count down

4 weeks and counting. I can't believe it's right around the corner. Crossing my fingers that she comes out safely and healthy. I still can not picture us with a live baby. I pictured Jack with us so many times and that went to sh*t so now I can not picture us with a real baby home with us, on trips with us, outside with us. Nothing... It won't hit me till it happens I guess. IF it happens.
I know my body and my mind and my heart are all ready for a break from pregnancy. 2 years with only about 2 months break being pregnant is pretty tough. It's draining; both physically and emotionally. I guess more so because of what happened to us obviously. But I'm just ready to hopefully meet this little one and take a nice break from being pregnant.

Please, baby girl. Come safely to us.... Jack, watch over us.

The aftermath

The ultrasound went well today. Everything looked good. The technician told me to talk to my OB about it because preeclampsia is more of a clinical issue versus something she can see on the screen. But from what she saw and showed me, Samantha is doing well. She's measuring 5 pounds 14 ounces which is above average. She even showed me the fat lining around her belly. She said if she wasn't getting the nutrients and whatever else from the placenta, she would be smaller than average. It's just all so frustrating and annoying and I hate being this way. I can't ENJOY my last few weeks of pregnancy with my baby girl because I'm so worried about losing here.

Here she is at 5lbs 14oz (the videos are better)

So scared

I can't describe this fear, this gut wrenching, heart breaking fear to you. Second to actually losing Jack, this fear is the worst feeling in the world. I barely slept last night. All I thought about was the worst. Every time I woke up, I reached for my belly and begged Samantha to move for me. That's the only thing that would lull me back to sleep. I felt another panic attack coming on at 1:00 in the morning but remained calm squeezing Sean's sleeping arm and hand, telling myself that everything will be ok. Oh please. Do you think my brain believed that one? I can't wait for August to come to know how I'll meet my little girl: dead or alive. And I can't wait for it to come so I can have some relief from this constant fear that literally hurts.
Time to try to sleep some more. I'm "seeing" Sam at 1:30 this afternoon at least.

Damn the Internet

A headache started tonight. More like a one sided migraine. I reach for my phone and check the Internet. Most of the time it's common. Very common. But there are times when a headache can mean preeclampsia. My cousin had it. So of course Sean and I think the worst. I want to check my blood pressure so Sean ran off to buy a tester. He's freaking out. That doesn't help how I feel. I don't want him to worry. I don't want him to be scared. But I don't want to put anything off. I don't want to say, oh I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. We will check then. What if that's too late?
Blood pressure seems fine. I called the doctor office just in case and he called back and said not to go to hospital if blood pressure is ok.
I hate this fear.... I can not sleep because I'm fearing the worst. Please be ok, baby girl. PLEASE!!!!!!

Free Write

I never experienced panic attacks till I lost Jack. Now I'm one of those people. Things easily set me off. My mind, my heart, and my body just can't handle it.
Dealing with my parents stresses me out. My mother gets defensive and angry. That makes me sad and upset which I can't hide and that leads to more anxiety from her. My father is on the decline but who knows how long of a decline. And he can be so difficult. It makes me lose control. Cue: panic attack.
Reading articles about the possibility that it is my fault that Jack died makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me question every little thing I have done. Oh to rewind time. Just one embryo please. Maybe we should have tried more before trying the IVF? I thought the IVF was meant to be. I thought it was going to give us the son we always wanted. Instead, we killed him. Cue: panic attack.
Samantha is 5 weeks away from coming into this world. Whether it be alive or dead is still the question that remains in my head. Could I actually live through another loss of a child? Could Sean? Cue: panic attack.

A piece of me inside will forever be missing. That shine, that light that happened to me when I found out I was pregnant with Jack is gone. And it will forever be missing from my life. I'll never be the same person and I will always miss that true happiness.

Well this is just wonderful...

So as time passes and the pain somewhat goes away, things like this come along:

http://www.smh.com.au/national/health/single-embryo-ivf-transfers-have-better-chance-of-survival-20120704-21hn5.html

 

Sean and I transferred two embryos. Maybe we are the reason why Jack died. Maybe he would have survived if we transferred one embryo. But how would I know which one he was? The IVF or the ICSI? Or does the ICSI one even fall into this category?? So many questions. So much heart ache. So many times I just ask why. But when I hear possible answers, it makes it hard too.

9 months

I can't believe it's been 9 freaking months since we said goodbye. The time has gone by way too fast. I want to go back and see him again. I want to go back and hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. We will never know him with eyes open. We will never know what kind of boy and man he'd grow up to be.
My angel, my son, my firstborn... Know that I love and miss you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. Where ever we go, whatever we do, you are always part of this family. You will forever be our first baby and no one or nothing will change that.
Please watch over us. Please watch over your sister. Let her to come into our lives so she can make us happy again. So she can know what an amazing big brother she has. Help me to be happy again, Jack.
I love you. 9 months without you is way too long......