Fears

Not only do I get scared that I'm going to lose Samantha to SIDs or accidental strangulation by a blanket, I also get scared of losing Samantha and Sean at the same time in some car accident. And then there is the fear of them losing me. I'll admit that I have never been one to be too concerned with my own life. But now I am scared out of my mind that if something were to happen to me, what would happen to them? What would happen to Sean job wise and financially? (Reminder: It's really time to get life insurance!!!) I'm the one who Samantha is obsessed with right now. She needs her mommy. What would she do without me? I know she would eventually get over me, but I don't want her to. I know Samantha's schedule. I know when she is supposed to eat and sleep. I can read her cries and know what she wants at most moments. How would she be without her mommy? And how would Sean be without his wife? Don't get me wrong, I know Sean would step up to the plate and he would have so much help from our family and friends. But I just do not want to imagine them without me.

Papa and timing

It will be the first Easter without Papa. I'm wishing he was here very badly. I wish so much that he could see and spend time with Samantha at this point in her life. He would be so in love with her. I said that to my sister today. And she only agreed. She said how she remembers how excited Papa was about seeing Samantha one or the times they came to visit us at the hospital. He would call out her name in excitement. Ugh. It pains my heart that he can't see her now. She is so amazing and her smile would only melt his heart. Why couldn't it have been a few more months??? Why is always a question in my mind and heart and I'm getting pretty sick of it.
Papo, my father, I wish you were here so badly. I wish I appreciated you more and I wish you could have seen Samantha now. I love you. I love you so very much. And I miss you a lot. Caluje mocno.

How about some loving

As I say goodnight to my little Samantha, my little ladybug, my little monkey, tears well up in my eyes. But not tears of sadness. These are tears of joy and of such pure, indescribable, loving emotion.

I love my daughter. I can NOT describe the feelings I feel for her. I wish I could cuddle her all night. I wish I could sweep her out of her crib and just love on her and watch her fall asleep every night. I know I am not supposed to do that. She is supposed to be independent in her crib and soothe herself. And I do restrain myself. I know it will be better for all of us in the long run.

It's that cliche saying though, "you don't understand the love you will have for a child until you have one". I never did realize how much I would love my daughter until I spend these moments with her. And I am already missing them.

Anyway, so here I am, taking a break from my broken self who does miss her son more than anything. But I also love and cherish these moments with my daughter. My mind and heart become filled with love for her and it helps with the sadness of missing Jack. Jack will never be replaced. NEVER. But the overwhelming love that I feel for Samantha help make the days a bit easier. And I can't thank her enough for that.

What is it about today???

I've been slowly researching things for Samantha's 1st birthday. I don't want to leave anything till last minute. I was looking at invitations and found one I like. What is the name in the sample? Why Jack of course! Is that a sign that I get them? Or is it a reminder that he never gets to have his 1st birthday party? No matter what it meant, it hurt. A friend, not a close friend, but a friend was there for me and quite supportive when we lost Jack found today what she is having. I have been supportive throughout her pregnancy checking in etc so she texted me when she found out. Though I had a very strong feeling it was a boy, she texted me the words and of course I am happy for her, but I just wish I could have my boy too. Her husband wants to be able to do all the outdoor stuff with him etc. I want that for Sean too. And now, I scroll the guide through the TV. Movies are my preference. And what is the name of a movie on the movie channel? Jack. Just plain "Jack". What is it about today? Are you talking to me, my boy? Will there be more signs? I do think of you everyday but on days like this, I think of you so much more. I miss you. I miss being pregnant and happy with you. I miss everything about you. I wish I could rewind time and spend one more second with you.
I love you, Jack, and I miss you.

Memories

I remember when I couldn't breathe because the tears were so strong. I remember when people asking me how I am wanted me to scream "how do you think I am?" in anger. I remember thinking my life was over. My heart still has the aching feeling that is indescribable but now, it's just not constant. Now when people ask how I am, I answer "ok". I can't get myself to say anything better than ok. I'm not good, I'm not great, in just ok. And I feel like I will be that for the rest of my life. Because even though I am in love, I have an amazing daughter, and I have a future to look forward to, I dealt with a terrible experience and it broke me. I will forever be broken but my life is not over.

Not fair to her...

Continuing from the feelings of today, I'm just having one of those hard days that Jack is just constantly on my mind and I'm feeling bitter and upset. And as of now, I feel like I'm taking it out on Samantha. These are the feelings and actions I am afraid of and know I have to deal with. It's not her fault. She deserves just as much love and attention that I feel for Jack. But I am in just in constant wonder of why he is not here with me. I wish I had answers. I wish I didn't feel like I deserve more. But I do. And no matter what, Sam does not deserve to feel my sadness or anger. I am going to go smother her with kisses now.

Another first

Sean and I took Samantha for her first airboat ride yesterday. It's something I've looked forward to and it's something I always wish I could have done with Jack. Pretty soon after our loss, Sean and I went out there alone and all I could think about was how I wish he was with us. Now, whenever we do firsts with Samantha, I can only think how he should have had them too. Now, the only way he takes part is around my neck. It pains me so badly that my son is dead. My son can never experience the world like his sister can. He never even got to meet us. The question of why arises once again. Why was he taken from us? Why didn't he get to hold my hand or see me? Why couldn't I hear him cry? Why couldn't he experience all the firsts that Samantha is experiencing now?
Ugh I could go on and on and on....

Doctor memories

I'm doing a follow up visit at my OB/Gyno's office. There are two floors that make up their offices. I'm on the good memory floor. I feel comfort here no matter what though. Yes, I found out the most devastating news here. I learned that my son had died, but I was lucky to have such an amazing doctor and staff who cared for me, who hugged me, and who still to this day remember me. I actually like coming here.
I just met with the PA that I saw when I can in pregnant with Samantha for the first time. That was definitely an amazing memory. And she remembered that. :-)

Can we rewind?

Samantha is 7 months old today. I can not believe it! She is growing up so fast. I am trying to cherish every moment, remember every little smile, and capture as much on camera as possible. Before I know it, my little girl will be grown up. I look forward to all the new moments and milestones to come, but I know I'm going to miss the ones that are passing me by right now. I am so happy I get to be with her every day. I get to spend all the time with her. I am so grateful for that. I don't want to miss moments with her.
And as I think of the time passing, I think of Jack and how much I wish he was here with us to spend these moments with us too. I miss being pregnant with him and thinking everything will be ok. I miss you, my baby boy. Know that you are always in my heart and in my thoughts no matter how much time passes.

You will be ok.

I can finally tell people that. I can finally give the advice to people that no matter what happens in their lives, they will be ok. Time doesn't heal wounds; they will always be there. But time does help them feel a little better. My loss of Jack is still fresh and it still hurts, but my days have gotten easier. Before, every time I thought of Jack I cried, or wanted to cry. Now, there are times when I think of him and I smile. No I don't feel like it was meant to happen, but the thought of Jack makes me love Sean and Samantha more. The thought of Jack has brought Sean and I closer as a couple. And the thought of Jack is what made Sean and I try so hard to bring Sam into this world and I couldn't be more grateful for a daughter like her. And I thank Jack for all of that.
So for all of you out there suffering a loss, dealing with relationship issues, or whatever the case may be, you will be ok. It may not seem like it now, but eventually, you WILL be ok.

Words I used to live by

Everything happens for a reason.
If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
Live life with no regrets.

Those are pretty common phrases people use in their lives. And I definitely used those sayings a lot and lived that way. Until I lost Jack.
If everything happens for reason, please tell me the reason my son was taken from me! Tell me what reason in this world could a baby not even able to see his mother would die.
If something is not meant to be, it won't happen. Well in my heart and head, I know Jack was meant to be my son. I was meant to deliver him and watch him grow up. I know this all for a fact. I was meant to have a baby boy.
And living life with no regrets. Ha. Good luck. Sure I wish I could take back things or do stuff over, but I regret so badly I decided to deliver Jack via C-section. I will beat myself up over that for the rest of my life. He deserved a natural delivery like I planned. He deserved to be brought into this world like a living child. But I was scared and selfish.

I continue on in life not saying these phrases or ever believing in them.

Daddy Daughter Time

I LOVE when Sean takes Sam and does stuff with her. I get to go and run errands or relax or finally take that 15 minute shower instead of a 2 minute one. I also realize how much more I love my husband because he ENJOYS spending time with his daughter. He loves taking her places and showing her off. And I know it will only happen more often as she gets older. But then, there's that scary feeling. The two of them being apart from me could mean me losing the both of them at the same time. I lost my son totally unexpectedly, who's to say it won't happen again? If I don't get a response on the phone or if they're a little later than I would expect, all I can think of is: "is it happening again?" I never want to experience the utter heart ache and pure torture I felt when I lost Jack. I want Samantha to outlive us by 100 years. I want Sean and I to go together holding hands. I don't want to be apart from them even for a second. Dreams. Purely stupid dreams. Just like the hope and dreams I had of meeting my son and being able to hold him alive and breathing in my arms.

What would he be like

As it becomes easier for me to hang out with other children, I look on at behavior, cuteness, looks, and overall attitude of other kids and babies. It's still hard for me to "loving" with children around Jack's age, especially boys, but as time passes, it's somewhat easier. In the back of my mind, though, I'm constantly wondering what he would be like. Would he be a crazy boy screaming and running around? Or would he be calm like his sister? When would he have started walking? All the development stages I watch Sam go through, I wonder if Jack would be at the same pace or faster or slower. I can't believe he would already be 2 this year. I can't believe time has gone by so fast. I just wish he was here with us so I could know instead of wonder.