Memories

I remember when life stopped in its tracks. I remember when I thought I would never be able to move, get out of bed, laugh, or smile.
I remember when I could not be apart from Sean even for a few minutes. I did not want him to leave my side. Even when he went to the bathroom, he was away from me for too long. I never wanted him to leave me in fear that I would lose him too. I didn't want him to leave my side in case I needed his shoulder to cry on. I didn't want him be away from me because I needed to cry in his chest as he hugged me and told me that he loved me. I constantly told him that I loved him. I think he even got tired of hearing it because it was literally every minute. I felt like if I didn't tell him so much, he wouldn't know. I didn't want to lose him without knowing how much I loved him.
I remember when I was forced to leave the house. I was in the passenger seat of Laura's truck as she drove me to the bank. I couldn't believe the world was still turning. It was so weird watching people in parking lots going into stores or getting into their cars. Their lives weren't affected by Jack's loss. They had no idea that such an amazing person wouldn't be part of our world. They were just living their lives as if I didn't lose my baby boy. It was so weird to me. I remember looking at the sky and it was so blue and the weather was beautiful. How could days still be gorgeous if my heart felt like a tornado had just ripped through it?
Things have gotten easier. I appreciate life a lot more. I try not to sweat the small stuff. And I think of Jack often. Sean eventually went back to work, spent days away from me, and even nights. I still tell him I love him and I make sure we don't fight about stupid stuff. I try to remind him that we have been through hell and the worst thing ever so if we could do that, we can take on the world and last forever. We have a son we will never hold. We have a son we can only look at via picture. But we also have an amazing daughter that we are both in awe of. Life has given us a beautiful girl that we appreciate more than anything.
I remember all those feelings and emotions as if it was yesterday. I will never let go. Time has passed and the world has changed and things and people have come and gone. But the experience of losing Jack has changed me forever. And every moment that has happened since are still fresh in my brain.

TV and regrets

Stupid Grey's Anatomy seems to always come back towards me. Not as dramatic, and not with such bad acting, and of course not completely the same. But there are those moments and they bring that feeling in my gut. Meredith Grey saying "this is not how I wanted to do it" when she had to have a C-section to deliver her baby. I scream inside my head... "WHY THE F**K DID I DO A C-SECTION??" I wish I could rewind time and get more care while I was pregnant with Jack. I wish I could rewind time and use a heart monitor on him everyday like I did with Samantha. I wish I could rewind time and monitor his movements a lot more. But if I could rewind time and AT LEAST deliver him naturally, alive or dead, I would. That is another pain in my heart that not only will never go away, but will never subside.   It's a regret I will take with me to the grave. It's a regret I will never get over. And it's something that I will never shut up about.

May 15th

Today is my parents' 42nd wedding anniversary. It makes me sad. If Papa was here, I would be going to their house and celebrating with them. If Papa was here, he would be so happy and proud to say that he and Mama have been married for so long. They were so in love. Even after so many years. I can only hope that Sean and I are like that after so long. They are my example of how a happy couple should be. My father was DEVOTED to my mother. He would have done anything and everything for her. My father was the man any woman would be lucky to have and so grateful to have. My mother doesn't ask about my father. She didn't realize that he passed away. She doesn't think about the love her life not being with her everyday like he used to be. Is that better? I guess so. She would have been completely and utterly heartbroken the day my father died. They were so in love. But at the same time, wouldn't you want to know that the love of your life has left for good? Would you want to mourn him/her? Would you want to be able to feel the emotions and shed the tears that this amazing person in your life deserves? I think about it. Sure it's easier on her, especially in the state she is in. But if she did not have dementia and if she did realize what was going on, maybe she would want to know that her husband had died so she could mourn him.

Happy 42nd Anniversary, Mamo and Papo. You are truly an example to couples everywhere and I wish that Sean and I can at least come close to the relationship you had. You were an amazing couple and even more amazing parents. I am grateful everyday that I am your daughter. This day will always be remembered as your wedding anniversary. I will never forget the pictures of Mama's dress, the car, the Church, the guests, and of the love.

Heaviness

I still feel emotionally heavy from Sunday. I don't feel like making an effort. I don't feel like caring. I feel like this 500 pound weight is on my shoulders. I wish there was some way that someone, anyone, could just lift it. Sean and Samantha have taken some weight off but after days like Sunday, I feel it all flooding back. All I do is wish and hope that things worked out differently. That Jack was here with us, that I was still naive and eternally happy, that we had a family of four, and I could go on and on. Wishes really don't come true. Well, I guess some do... I just wish I could feel somewhat normal again.

Mother's Day 2013

The day has come and gone. It was hard. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. We were at Rocky Lake so I was able to sit on the dock with Samantha and talk to Jack. Wishing he was there. However, as soon as I was up in the morning, and when it hit me, all I could do was cry. And cry and cry. It's not getting easier. At all. Then as we were driving home, I lost it all over again. I got a lot of texts and emails wishing me a happy mother's day. But I only got a couple "happy first mother's day". Didn't really want to respond to anyone, but I gave the polite thank you's. Being a mother is amazing. I have expressed that I don't know how many times. But when one of your children is not here to spend such an important day with you, it just makes it really hard. I do wish it gets easier, but I don't know if it ever will. Jack will always be missing.

Sean (with the help of friends of course) got me this:

It's his actual footprints. I love it and am planning on hanging it in my bedroom. We will be making one for Samantha too. Thinking of doing a ladybug for her. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you out there. Happy Mother's Day to the moms who's children are with them and to those who's children are no longer with us. Also to those women out there trying their hardest to become moms. I know how hard it is, but all of you should be celebrated. 

And to Jack... I miss you. I will always miss you. And I hope you know that your mother will always have you in her heart especially on days like Mother's Day. 

The pit of my stomach

That feeling is back. I haven't felt it this great since the holidays. Mother's Day is approaching and I have that feeling in mg stomach of pure sorrow. That feeling when I close my eyes, I try to wish with every ounce of my being that we didn't lose Jack. I wish that I would be holding a one and half year old and my 9 month old together. I wish that both my children can be with me on Sunday. I wish that my son could make something for me. I wish that I could spend my second Mother's Day with both my kids. 

Instead, I'm saddened yet happy. I'm excited and feel guilty. All the twisted emotions in my heart keep me up at night, make my head spin, and my stomach uneasy. Will there ever be a holiday or milestone when I don't feel this way? Will I ever be truly, unconditionally happy again? 

Mornings

I woke up this morning and do what I do every morning, look at the monitor screen to see if Samantha is awake. This morning, she was on her belly (which she does from time to time now) and her face was kind of buried into the mattress. My heart stopped. I run to the room to check on her. She's ok. I start imagining the worst again. What would I do if I lost Samantha? I'm so scared I will lose her before I go. I hope and pray that I go before she goes. I can't lose another child. I just can't. And 9 months is not long enough. No time would be long enough, but 9 months is definitely not enough time. I need to cherish more moments and make more memories. Don't take her from me. Please. Jack, please make sure we get to spend as much time as possible with your sister. 

Inspirational quotes

Thanks to the social networking world, people post quotes throughout the day. Things like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or "If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it". That's just to name a few among the millions. I have such a different view on things since Jack. Sure I may have gotten stronger and losing Jack didn't kill me, but how is that supposed to inspire me? And people may think I'm some strong, amazing woman, but I'm not. I am a heartbroken, emotionally shaken up woman. Yes I'm strong that I have survived and I smile everyday now, but trust me, I'm not as strong as you think. And yes, trying to have a baby is hard and losing one is a million times harder, but trust me, it's TOO hard and it's not something I wish on anyone to try. I know people apply these to other parts of life like losing weight or dealing with a break up, but how else am I supposed to think? The things that have affected me and will always affect me are infertility and losing Jack. I apply that to every single aspect of my life.

My dearest Jack, I don't need some quote to inspire me to live life to the fullest. You are my inspiration. Without you, I would not appreciate the little things and I would not take advantage of the love I have for people. You have inspired me to live my life differently and I will always thank you for that. You are always on my mind and always in my heart. The little, petty things should not matter. Life is short. I love you.

The approaching day

Mother's Day is approaching fast. Last year, I was miserable. I was heart broken. And all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry. It was a day I looked forward to for a very long time. It was a day I wanted to share with my family. It was a day that was supposed to be all about me. About me as a mom. This year, it will be different. It will be hard. I will still be sad and heart broken. I will still wish it was different. But this year, I have Samantha with me. I have Samantha to hold. I have Samantha's life to celebrate. I have my daughter with me to spend time with. But I'm a mother of two and one of my children does not get to be here to celebrate me as his mother. One of my children doesn't get to take part in what we do as a family. Instead, we have to just remember him and keep his memory alive. We will be at Rocky Lake on Mother's Day. And to me, that's exactly where I need to be. I get to be with Sam and I get to be with Jack (where we laid his ashes). It's going to be a bittersweet day. I am so happy to have Samantha in my life. She is my daughter and I love her beyond words and emotions. But I am still missing Jack on my second Mother's Day and I will always wish he was with us. And I know people won't acknowledge him or that I actually was a mother last year too. Instead, people will think this is my first Mother's Day. Remember that a mother who went through a loss is still a mother.

He could be your son!

The baby I watch is blonde and blue eyed thanks to his dad. And thanks to my genes, so am I. I love watching him during the day. His mother is like a sister to me so he is like a nephew to me. And I am thrilled that he and Sam will grow up together. So I post pictures of them together or all three of us together. Big mistake? Maybe. Because I get comments that he looks like he could be my son or that he and Sam could be brother and sister. Ok I get it. The blonde and blue eyes is the thing we have in common but do you know what I want to say in response to those comments? No, my son is dead. Or no that is not her brother, he's in heaven and being her guardian angel. But I can't muster the courage to say those things in response. Or anything at all for that matter. I'm getting used to it. People are trying to be sweet but they're naive and don't get it. Because it still hurts a lot . And those comments sting!! Samantha's brother, my son, is not here. And we miss him.

My baby girl

My eyes well up with tears as I watch my daughter develop and grow up. It's amazing. It's wonderful and again, I'm at a loss for words. I can't express the feeling. It's overwhelming. I never want to forget these moments. I want a future with her and I never want to not know who she is. I am so scared that I will be how my mother is. Sure, she is familiar with me and I feel that she loves me. But she doesn't see me as her daughter anymore and it's heartbreaking. We don't have that bond anymore. And I'm so scared that will happen with Sam and me. My baby girl. I love her so much. So much.