Cuddling

Today, as Samantha laid against my chest and held onto me for comfort, all I could think about was Jack and how he should have been able to do hold onto his mother for comfort as well. If he was struggling and if he had any pain, I didn't know it. I wasn't able to hug him and kiss him and tell him that mommy was there for him. If he suffered in my womb before he died, I could not tell. I was supposed to be there for him. I wish I could have cuddled him and held him. I wish I could have felt his warm skin against mine and felt his fingers curl over mine. But instead, I had to see him laying still and see that damn flat line. And I will never know if he felt any pain before passing away. I love you, Jack. Mommy holds onto you in her heart forever. And ever.