Hard Day

Today is a hard day. I don't know where it came from. I have had tears on days and I've continued to feel the heart ache, but today is just a hard day. The question of why keeps coming up in my head and I'm missing Jack today a lot.

Dearest Jack,

Sweet child of mine. You were taken from me before I was taken. It should have been me. Not you. I wish I could have held you longer. I wish I could have comforted you. I am so sorry if you felt any pain. I am sorry if it was my fault. Did you meet Samantha before she came to us? Thank you for watching over her and being there to see that everything was ok. Is Dziadzo with you? Isn't he amazing? I hope you can hold his hand and get to know him. Is Carlo with you? Tell him his mother talks about him all the time and misses him so much. Will I get to see you again some day? I want to hold you and see you smile. I want to hear you and see your eyes open. I hope to see you on the other side.

I love you. Forever and always.

Mama

Work

I don't consider what I do work. I get to be Samantha all day and I get to play with my friend's baby Nathan as well. However, it can get hard at times. Not only because it's two babies only 4 months apart, but because Nathan is a boy. No he's not Jack's age and he doesn't remind me of him. But when I feed him, or dress him, or change his diaper, how can my thoughts not to turn to Jack? I watch him play with Samantha and I think of Jack sometimes. I wish so badly he could be here and be the big brother to her he is supposed to be. I want my son. I want my son here. I still close my eyes shut and wish really hard that all that did not really happen and that I am still pregnant with my son. But I open my eyes, and I see Samantha. It's so hard.

Baptism

Samantha was baptized yesterday. The ceremony was beautiful, the reception was very nice (and delicious), and Samantha was amazing. Everyone commented on how beautiful she is and how good she is. Even the deacon who performed the baptism kept making comments about how pretty she is and how good she was during the ceremony. I could not be happier with my daughter. She truly is amazing. However, there were the moments when my eyes welled up with tears. As we stood around the basin, I was reminded that my sister, my parents, my in laws, and my aunt and uncle stood there about a year ago blessing Jack. I held onto my necklace letting Jack know he is not forgotten and that I wish so badly I could have had this experience with him too. And of course there were the moments when I wished that my father was there. My sister said he was definitely there in spirit and he can be seen through Sam's eyes. But I do wish he was really there to see how amazing Samantha is. I know he would be so proud.

I definitely like to think that Papa and Jack are watching over her. I hope they will be her guardian angels and keep her safe.

God and stuff

Sunday is Samantha's baptism. My views on God and other religious things have changed quite drastically since losing Jack. Sean and I both have asked ourselves how could God do this to us,  to an innocent baby, to everyone that was involved? When it happened, we both questioned God's existance. We couldn't handle a church service or a funeral, but our family wanted one. Jack was not baptised at the hospital because the priest said they don't do that for dead babies. Ouch, that hurt. Instead, his ashes were blessed at the church. My sister was there. Jack's godmother. And now, on Sunday, we are baptising our daughter. Yet another thing that I pictured doing with my son. Yet another thing that I will take part in with my beautiful daughter and I will be torn between happiness and sadness.

Birthday

This is one of the birthday posts I got today on Facebook:
               HAPPY 1st MOMMY BDAY!!!!

No it's not my first birthday as a mommy. Last year, I had to celebrate as a mother who lost her son, but I was still a mommy. It hurts me when people say things like that. When I hear things like that, I feel like Jack meant nothing to them. They don't consider him my son. They may not know me as well or realize how important Jack is to me, but it still is heart breaking. 

Support

My cousin's son's birthday is tomorrow. He would be 27 years old. I wrote her a message telling her how much I am here for her, that I am thinking of Carlo often, that I could only imagine the pain she's going through. I told her that losing Jack was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and it is still so very hard. However, the one thing that I am grateful for is that I did not know him, that I did not hear him breathe, and that his hand did not wrap around my finger. Her pain must be so much greater than mine because she had her son for over 20 years and then he was just taken from her, like that. The only minor hope and prayer I have is that Jack and my father and Carlo are all together with the rest of our loved ones that have passed. But is that being naive? I hope not....

Happy 27th birthday, Carlo. Thinking of you often and I hope you are up above watching over your family.

Dad and son

We went out to dinner with Sean's family last night for his mother's birthday. It was nice and of course, everyone was gushing over Samantha. Our nephew was there as well of course. He's four years old. Every time Sean talks to him or plays with him or interacts with him in any way, my heart sinks. I only wish Sean had his son to play with and interact with. I can't wait for Sam to grow up and be daddy's girl. He can teach her things and spend time with her. But there is always going to be Jack missing. Dad's son. Dad's boy that he wanted to teach how to work on cars, how to build things, and take interest in hobbies. It hurts that we don't have our little boy. I do wonder what it would have been like if we had another boy instead of Samantha. Would it have been harder or easier? I would never trade my little girl for anything in the world, and I can only hope we have an amazing mother daughter relationship. But if we had a boy, I just wonder how that would have felt for us.

Tattoo

I did something I have been meaning to do since I lost Jack. I wanted his memory tattooed on my body. I know, I know. It might be going too far. Especially for me. But it's something that I have wanted to do so that he can be remembered and with me all the time. I originally wanted his foot prints but decided not to because of size reasons. Instead, I got a J. I also decided to represent Samantha with an S. I felt bad because I feel like I should have gotten Jack's tattoo first, alone, and "spent time" with it on its own. But I got the S anyway. And hopefully I can continue on with at least one more letter....

Cuddling

Today, as Samantha laid against my chest and held onto me for comfort, all I could think about was Jack and how he should have been able to do hold onto his mother for comfort as well. If he was struggling and if he had any pain, I didn't know it. I wasn't able to hug him and kiss him and tell him that mommy was there for him. If he suffered in my womb before he died, I could not tell. I was supposed to be there for him. I wish I could have cuddled him and held him. I wish I could have felt his warm skin against mine and felt his fingers curl over mine. But instead, I had to see him laying still and see that damn flat line. And I will never know if he felt any pain before passing away. I love you, Jack. Mommy holds onto you in her heart forever. And ever.

Dreams

I have been having weird baby dreams lately. They are kind of crazy and even scary. First one was the I was pregnant and I lost the baby. Another devestating blow. Then I was pregnant again and had a baby with three heads. The baby was very sad and creepy looking. I did not know what to do with him (at least I think it was a him). I had him hidden away covered by a blanket at a house. I looked around for someone to get advice from but everyone was busy riding around in trucks or four wheelers. I finally found my mother but she stared at me blankly and went on her way in a truck on her own. I couldn't find Sean and I just kept wondering what the doctors would do with the two "extra" heads.

Second dream was back to Samantha and how a friend was holding her and he dropped her on her head. The feeling of fear rushed over me. I think the fact that she still does back bends every now and then as people hold her, I had that dream. Sure it happens, but God forbid one day she goes back too far and falls out of someone's arms. I'm not paranoid in the slightest and I trust my friends to take care of her, but it's that subconscious fear that anything can happen.

Oh the power of the mind....

Two minds, one thought...

Looks like our connection goes deeper than I thought. I wrote the post earlier and then Sean and I finished a movie. As I turned on the lights next to our tv, I heard Sean start to cry. He lost it. He saw Jack's foot and hand prints and couldn't control the tears. I sometimes forget his pain and I told him that we need to talk about Jack more. He bought Sam toys today. He bought toys for Jack at the same place. He said "he's supposed to be here."
Put yourself in our shoes... We love our son and miss him so much that it hurts to breathe. When we start to cry, we can't stop because we want him here so bad. But then, think. If we had Jack, we wouldn't have Samantha. I couldn't imagine my life without our daughter. We love her more than anything in the world. I watch as Sean looks at her and plays with her and know that he loves her more than anything. But we both are broken hearted because of Jack. How do you handle that kind of pain and happiness at the same time? Needless to say, we will be crying ourselves to sleep tonight.

The New Year Begins

Time is flying. My daughter is almost 5 months old. I can not believe it. Before we know it, we will be celebrating her first birthday. I can't wait for all those memories to share with her and to watch her grow, but it also makes me sad that it's going by so fast. I want to make sure to cherish every moment. As the time goes by, Jack's loss gets further and further away. I feel like I am on a very long road of life and I keep looking back and Jack's face seems further back. I still think of him everyday and I still cry about how much I miss him. But as the time goes by, I can't believe that it's been over a year. Before we know it, it will be ten years. I know the pain will still be there and it will never go away, even when it's been 20 years. It's scary to think that time is passing and he's not coming along for the ride. Instead, he's being left behind. He won't get to be there for Samantha's firsts. He won't get to teach her things and be a big brother like he should be. I wish I could see them play together, see them fight, see them hug, and listen to them laugh together. I miss Jack a lot. And the heartache is strong today....