New Year

I wonder what 2013 will be like. I can't believe that this time last year, I was mourning Jack while beginning my pregnancy with Samantha. I can't believe that this time last year, Sean and I spread our son's ashes in a lake. Our son. Our poor son who was taken from us way too soon. I wish so badly that he was here. I wish he was spending the time with us instead of us having to visit his resting place. I wish I could be carrying him instead of wearing him around my neck. The pain is not going away even after this year...
I can only hope that 2013 will be kind to Sean, Samantha, and me. No more deaths. No more traumatic experiences. No more added sadness. I just want 2013 to bring us happiness. Or at least stability.

Happy New Year...

Morbid Feelings

As a mother who has dealt with a loss, I have the constant fear. I get those feelings that I will wake up one morning and realize that Samantha is not making any noise and I will find her dead. Even when she is sleeping near me, I check to see if she is breathing. Then I actually imagine something happening. I actually imagine what would happen and what our life would be like. Sure, I should be happy and try to just cherish my moments and memories with her. And I AM happy and I AM cherishing every second I have with her, but I feel like I should expect the worst. Call me crazy and morbid, but I can't help it.

Wigilia

Today is Christmas Eve. We will be going to dinner at my family's house. My father will be missing. For the past few years, I told Sean: "This could be my last Christmas with Papa" and last year when I said it, I was right. I just wish I cherished it a bit more. I'm sad that he is not here to spend it with us. I am sad that he is not here to see Samantha spend her first Christmas with family. It makes me cry....I am feeling heart ache wishing that he was here. It reminds me of the heart ache I felt when I would close my eyes and wish SO hard that Jack was still with us. But then, I'd open my eyes and realize it would never happen. I know it was time for my father to leave us; I just really wish he could have spent some more time with Sam.
I'm trying so hard to just be happy. I told Sean today that people around me are dying and it is just not worth focusing on the non-important stuff. It's just so hard for me to happy when the people I love are leaving me.

Anxious

The anxiety levels are high again. Things get to me easily, I worry a lot, I get stressed, and my mind goes nuts. I'm so much more sensitive since losing Jack. I can't handle things as easily. I can't brush things off and think that everything will work out. That used to be so easy for me. Now stress is a daily thing for me. I try to keep telling myself that I can't spend my days like this because it's not healthy and I need to focus on the positive. But then as I lay down, or as I'm driving, my mind just goes back to the worries. Life is short. We lose people too soon. I need to spend moments cherishing these people and things. Keep reminding me....

Christmas

This Christmas season is very bittersweet for me. I am looking forward to spending it with Samantha. I can't wait to celebrate her first Christmas, her first time opening presents, her first time wearing a Christmas dress, her first time taking part in our family's traditions. But then it's another Christmas without Jack. It's another Christmas that I will be missing my son. It's another Christmas that I don't get to buy him presents and dress him up. It's another Christmas that Jack will be forgotten by friends and family because he's not here. And now it's my first Christmas without my father. He will be missing from the family table. His seat at our Polish Wigilia will be empty. My mother will not have him by her side. And even sadder, she won't even realize it. Do I wish I could just skip Christmas? Sure. But it's Samantha's first Christmas and I hope that amazing feeling will outweigh all the rest. I just wish her brother and grandfather would be here to celebrate it with her.

Jacks and Boys

People announcing their pregnancies don't feel like daggers anymore. Sure, it still hurts because I wish I could be so naive and happy. I wish I could have had a smooth pregnancy with Jack and had my baby boy and not worried like everyone else. I wish that I could have been pregnant with Samantha and I could have not freaked out everyday wondering if she was still moving inside. But I'm happy for people. There are a lot of people announcing their pregnancies with boys. I think it will always hurt a little. I just wish I could have had my boy. And just being around baby boys (which is everyday now) always makes me think of my Jack. Sadly, it's just something I'll never get over. I can only hope it will get easier with time.

One of the boys killed in Connecticut is named Jack. They brought him up a lot in the news today and yesterday because he was one of the first to have a funeral. Those parents will not be able to be normal every time they hear the name Jack. Those parents will feel a little stab in their heart every time they hear that name. Those parents will wish their baby boy Jack was still alive and they could watch him grow. I know this because I feel the same way.

Tragedy

The tragic event that happened in Connecticut is something that not many people can compare anything to. I could not imagine what the parents of the children who died have gone through. As soon as I heard the news, all I could do was hold Samantha closer and give her twice as many kisses, and honestly, just cry. I am not one to be affected easily by things in the news or in movies. Maybe because it doesn't hit close to home. However, this event has really hurt me and put pain in my heart. Maybe because innocent children were the victims. Maybe because I'm a mother now. And maybe because I am a mother who has lost a son. I know my loss does not compare, but it is still a loss. I did not get to know Jack and that is something I am somewhat grateful for. It would have been 100 times harder if I knew what he was like, if I got to hold his hand, if I saw him breathe, if I saw him with eyes open. I grieve for those parents because I know how hard their Christmas will be. I grieve for those parents because they will never get a future with their children. I grieve for those parents because they won't be able to watch their little ones grow up. I grieve for those parents because the loss of a child is something NO ONE should have to face.
Again, after such a tragedy, I realize how short life is. I realize we need to be grateful for our children and families. We need to realize that family is important and we should not take advantage of them. Be happy that you have a father that is there to love you and teach you and help you when you need him. Be happy that you have a mother you can turn to for advice and for support. My sister and I have had our issues to say the least, but when it comes down to it, she has been there for me through thick and thin and I know I could always turn to her for whatever I need. I may not have my parents anymore, but I know I have her. Show your children the love and attention they deserve. Spend the days with them outside and do things with them that will make memories. Don't just sit them in front of a tv and waste away the time that you can be spending with them. Your spouse is your best friend. Count on them for that. Losing Jack was the worst moment of our lives, but without each other, Sean and I would not have made it. We have our ups and downs. What couples don't? Have we had more downs? Maybe. But I love him. I am IN love with him and he is my rock. Without him, I honestly would not be alive today. We need to be grateful for the friends we have and not sweat the small stuff. There are people in all our lives that are very important and that would do anything for us. I have learned that I have the most amazing friends and that is something I am so proud of and grateful for. I don't think it's worth our time to hold grudges. It's not worth bickering over the small things. Just remember that those people were the people that were there for you and you will need them again. Be grateful for the people in your life. Be grateful that you are alive. Be grateful that you have not lost a loved one too soon. Because you just never know....

Children

When I hear people (especially people we personally know) have children that are sick or that end up having birth defects, I get scared. Yes, of course, I feel sympathy. I feel bad because I never wish any stress when it comes to children on anyone. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. Ever. But then I start to feel selfish and turn the fear onto me. What if that is Samantha? What if she turns out to have problems or gets sick? I'll still love her unconditionally but it's scary to think that my child that I waited in fear for could be sick or taken from me or anything. I wish we could all live in a naive bliss and not worry about scary things. But then reality hits. I just don't want to ever see Sam hurting nor do I ever want to lose her. I couldn't bear that. But then there's always the question of what will happen next in my life because things don't tend to go my way....

Holidays

Christmas is coming and it's coming fast. I can't believe it is already December. The moment that I thought I would share with Jack and that still breaks my heart will now be shared with Samantha. I will get to spend her first Christmas with her. I can't wait but at the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared that I will only think of Jack and missing him will be greater than the joy I should be feeling and sharing with Sam. I try my hardest not to make things unfair for her. She deserves all the joy in the world. She deserves our full attention. But always in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "he should be here".
It will be our first Christmas without my father. His seat at the table will be empty. Picturing it makes my stomach turn. I wish he would have been here just a little longer. I wish he could be here for Sam's first Christmas. I know it was my dad's time to go. I understand that. But now as Samantha is growing and changing so much, I just wish he could have been here a bit longer. I wish I could bring her over there so he could see her laugh and smile. He should have at least been here to see that. It's not fair that he won't get to. And it's not fair that Sam won't get to know her grandfather who was by far the most amazing man in the world. At least I can hope now Jack is with him and getting to know him.

Now

Last year and even a few months ago, I never thought I would see myself here. I never thought I would smile again. I never thought I could feel happy. I never thought I could even smile for a picture. I think about Jack every single day. There has not been one day when his name did not cross my mind. The pain is still there and the sadness won't go away. But I never thought I would be able to say that it actually has become bearable. Maybe it's because I have Samantha to help make me smile or the fact that Sean is around to pick me up. Whatever the case, I never thought I would be here.