Parties and other fun

It's hard for me to have a good time. I watch everyone else and wish I could be normal and have fun. But all I think about is how I should be at home with my son. Or I should be looking for someone to watch him SO I can have a good time. I have my breakdowns. I sneak away and hide in order to not show my tears. I don't want to go home because then I'll just spend the night crying into my pillow. At least when I'm around people, I can just watch and get my mind occupied. Ugh...