Parties and other fun

It's hard for me to have a good time. I watch everyone else and wish I could be normal and have fun. But all I think about is how I should be at home with my son. Or I should be looking for someone to watch him SO I can have a good time. I have my breakdowns. I sneak away and hide in order to not show my tears. I don't want to go home because then I'll just spend the night crying into my pillow. At least when I'm around people, I can just watch and get my mind occupied. Ugh...

Dreams

Pregnancy can bring up some funny, weird, and vivid dreams. Last night however, it was scary and terrible. I had a dream I lost my baby girl. I woke up in devastated. This fear has overtaken me. I lied in bed just waiting for her to kick. Nothing. I was about to reach for the heart monitor and I felt a little jab against my side. Phew. I hate this fear....

Should have, could have...

I feel pretty guilty that unlike some other loss moms, I did not organize a team or a walk for Jack for the March of Dimes. I just know I could not do it at this stage. Maybe next year. I hope Jack doesn't think it's because I didn't want to represent him like other moms did for their kids. They raised money, got people to come together, and walked. I did not. I know it's not what shows my love for him but it's something I could have done for him.

Wishing you were here

If you were here, I would not be as scared. If you were here, I'd be happy. If you were here, I'd feel normal. I miss you, Jack. More than you will ever know. I hope you know that no one and nothing will ever replace you. I think of you constantly and wish so badly you were here. I can not explain or even BEGIN to explain the feelings of sadness I feel. I just want you. I scream that. And the question WHY is always there. Jack, I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you.

Waiting for my baby girl

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I am hoping my rainbow baby, Samantha, makes it to us in August.

Situations

I'm at the point of anxiety that I can't handle certain situations anymore. Even if they don't have anything to do with children or babies. I want to help out. I want to be normal. Taking my father who can barely walk to the doctor today pushed me close to the edge. I tell myself to calm down but his health and his nerves don't help me. All I can do is try my best.

Mother

I hear you complain about your mother and all I want to do is scream and say, at least she's there. In my moments of tears and breakdowns, I want to reach for the phone or drive to see mine but I can't. She doesn't know what I'm going through. She doesn't realize her daughter's life came shattering down. I want her to hold me and tell me that things will get better. When she came to see me at the hospital after I lost Jack, I wanted her to hug and kiss me. But instead, I got blank looks and she didn't even know why she was there. It pains me so much that I don't have her to go to.

Other babies

When I'm in public, I try to avoid looking at other babies. Doesn't matter sex or age, I just avoid them. Or at least try to. It's as if they know. They stare at me, try to reach out to me, and just focus on me. At the mall, at a restaurant, at subway, you name it. I'm sure it's all in my head, but that's what I notice...
Samantha (baby girl), I hope you make it to me in August.....

My dear, long life friend

I wish I could have rushed to meet you, but I know I would have been hesitant.
I wish I could be there to hold your hand, but I know tears of sadness would have overcome the tears of joy.
I wish I could be there with you, but the place still holds bad memories for me.
I wish I could be there to help you through, but I know I would wish it was me and regret decisions I made when I delivered Jack.
If I could be there for you, I would.

I already regret not being there for you. You are my best friend and I want to be by your side and hold your hand. But fear and sadness is still so fresh in my mind and in my heart. I hope you know I am thinking of you and wishing I could be there. I am so torn. I am feeling sadness and self pity. And then I feel like a bad friend because I can't be there for you.

I hope one day the picture you made becomes reality...

I love you.

Hard

It's so hard to express the feelings I feel. People who have not gone through the loss of a child will never truly understand the immense heart break that I am feeling. My heart literally hurts. My chest tightens and my eyes burn from all the tears. I just want to feel normal for longer periods of time. Will my baby girl help me with that?

What happened

Jack was and will forever be my baby son. He wasn't just a situation that happened to me. He was not bad luck that should be turned into someone's fear. I understand it's scary and it's hard not to look at it like that, but please don't categorize my son and what happened as some medical condition. I will offer any advice that I can but what would that be? Make sure your baby is moving? Jack was not a big mover throughout my whole pregnancy with him so that's not always the case. Other advice? Don't let your baby die because it is the most terrible, worst, heart wrenching experience any one can face. But does that mean I let Jack die?
And how do you think I feel? I'm pregnant again, sooner than I ever expected to be. I lost MY son and now I have to deal with the heart breaking fear that I will lose my daughter. A day does not pass that I am scared that I will lose my baby girl. A day does not pass that I don't crazy because I think I will go to the doctor one day and see that flat line. Your fear will never amount to mine.
I'm sorry that Jack and I put will put others in a situation where they will fear for their own but please don't look at us some disease to be feared. Jack is my son. And he will always be. Even if he did die.

21 Weeks

Or 22, depending on who you ask...

I went to see my baby girl today and all is good so far. They will be seeing me every 4 weeks until June when they will start seeing me weekly (at 32 weeks). It was nice to see her and it put a smile on my face. I can't believe how long her legs are!

Here's a video...

Another day... Without Jack

I sit on the couch and think about him and the tears flow and do not stop. I am so sad without him. Sean asks me to talk to him and tell him what's wrong (other than the obvious) but I have no answer. I'm just very sad and I can not stop crying. Hormones can't be helping either. I just want my son. Why is that so hard for the world to understand? Why do I not get to have him in my life? Why is this my life now? I feel so alone and empty.

Done and Passed

Another holiday without Jack has gone and passed. Wish he was here. Wish I was holding him and giving him his first Easter basket. Instead I watched all the other children run around and play. Next holiday up? Mothers' Day. The day I am dreading....

Baby girl just gave me a kick. She lets me know she is there. I like that.

Can not stop

I can't stop crying. All I want is Jack. I want to feel normal and happy again.

Baby girl

She has been moving a lot today. She even moved for Sean. That was a nice moment. Actually made me happy. I hope she keeps up lots and lots of movement so I know she is there. Love you, my baby girl.

On the verge

I am constantly on the verge of tears today. I'm sure pregnancy hormones don't help. But that knot in my throat and that welled up feeling in my eyes is always there. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and hear Jack crying for his mother. I want to know that my baby girl is healthy as will make it to us safely in August. I hate this feeling. It makes me so angry. Why do I and Sean have to go through this fear? Through this sadness? What the hell did we do to deserve this?
As time passes, my wounds are not healing. I may seem ok on the outside but my heart is still broken.

Emptiness

I feel empty and useless not having Jack. I feel like there is this void in my life. Something is missing. I used to have fun hanging out, going out, and spending time doing stuff that most of my friends are still enjoying. Then I got pregnant with Jack and my days and nights were supposed to turn to him and focus on my time with him. Now I sit alone in silence, feeling empty. My time and my job as Jack's mother came to a screeching halt. I looked forward to countless, endless nights of holding him. Now my arms are empty and my house is silent and sad.
Then, all of a sudden, I feel a kick. My baby girl reminds me that she is there to try to fill that void. Oh sweet baby, I hope you come to me safely and alive. I can only hope your big brother is watching over us and making sure that we will feel some sort of true happiness again.

Hurting

It hurts so bad. 6 months. 6 freaking months. I can not believe I am in this position of grieving my dead son. Yet I am trying my best to be happy about expecting my daughter. My emotions are torturing me to say the least. I feel happy and get my mind off things by spoiling my daughter with clothes that I find, but then I feel guilt for leaving Jack behind. We have moved his urn and picture into the living room. I look at him more now. But then I feel sad that he has been moved out of his room. I'm such a mix of emotions. It hurts. So bad.

6 Months

It's been 6 months since I gave birth to my dead son. It's been 6 months since Sean and I saw Jack and fell in love with him and then he was taken away. I can't believe it's been so long. I should be watching Jack develop into an adorable little boy. Instead I am mourning his death still and crying because I want him in my arms. It kills me, even after 6 months, that Jack is not here with me. It is a pain I can not describe. It is sorrow that compares to no other sadness I have ever felt. And I have felt this pain and sorrow for 6 long, agonizing months. Just wishing and hoping that I could wake up to Jack crying and realize it's all been a bad dream. Instead, I only wake up to a picture of him and his urn.

Jack, my 6 month old baby, I miss you more than words can describe. I wish you were here with us. I wish you could be sitting next to me. I wish you could meet your little sister. I hope you are watching us and knowing how much we miss and love you.

The day I am dreading

As the months go by, I know Mother's Day is approaching. I am truly dreading this day as I know it will be yet another very hard day that I won't be able to handle. It was a day that I looked forward to because I could finally celebrate that day as a mom. As a mom to Jack. I know I am still his mother and always will be, but how do I celebrate a day when my son is dead? In a "lucky" sense, I will not have to spend the day with my mother because she won't even know what day it is. I plan to spend that day in bed, in tears.