More hard days

My hard days when I think about Jack are the worst. The pain that I feel in my heart and in the pit of my stomach can not be compared to any other feeling. I watch shows (Downton Abbey, Grey's Anatomy, etc) and the thought of losing a child, the fear I felt during my pregnancy with Sam, the sadness are all constantly reminded. The pain is nothing I can compare anything to. But now, not only do I deal with the sadness of my loss of Jack and I have my bad days thinking about him, I also have the days when I am thinking of my father and how much I wish he was here still. I look at Samantha and think of him. I wish I could take her to him so he could see her smile and hear her laugh. I have such underlying guilt, regret, and demons due to thoughts I had before my father passed away. All the times my father asked me to take him somewhere and I said no mostly because I didn't feel like it or because I thought I was "too pregnant" for the heat. All the times I was frustrated by him and his stubornness I regret. All the times I could have visited and sat with him when instead, I chose to do something else. I took my father for granted. I wish I could do things differently. And I wish so badly he was able to see Samantha now. Just at this time. If he could have lived just a little bit longer....