Can I please go back???

I had a dream last night that I delivered Jack how I should have. How he deserved. I woke up and wished it was true, but it wasn't. I wish so much that I could turn back time and do it all over again. In my dream, my doctor convinced me to do it naturally. He warned me that I shouldn't do a C-section. I do remember his hesitation when I said I just want him out. I said, "I just want this to be a surgery that I can put behind me". Why? Why the hell did I think like that? Jack wasn't just a surgery that I should have put behind me. He is my son and he deserved to be delivered the way he was supposed to be. I want to scream and pound my head against a wall. I want to be able to go back and FIX this. I would love to go back and save my son from dying. I would love to be more careful and realize that he wasn't moving sooner. I would love to go back and monitor him better. But if I could just go back and give birth to him naturally, I would greatly appreciate at least that. Please?

I remember when...

As I was driving today, some song came on that reminded me of the time when Sean and I were dealing with infertility. Before Samantha, before Jack... It was such a bumpy road. It was filled with negative signs, tears, and disappointment. I remember how jealous I felt. I was even jealous of my mother's dog who got pregnant. I cried every time my period came because I hoped that THAT would be month that I was finally pregnant. I cried every time I saw a minus sign instead of a plus. I got mad because I became a professional at reading an ovulation stick and calendar. I remember the breaking of my heart when I heard the word of diagnosis: infertile.

It seems so long ago that all this happened and I felt all these feelings. It's such a difficult journey to be on and again, something that I do not wish upon anyone. But our little miracles did happen. After a long and difficult road of infertility, we were blessed with our baby Jack. Our IVF miracle. Our lucky draw. Our beautiful baby boy that we were blessed with after years of trying. That's why I still and will never believe or fathom WHY he would be taken from us. What the heck did Sean and I do to deserve to have him taken from us after we had already been put through hell and back? How is that fair? We struggled so long to finally become pregnant with him, and then poof, he's gone. But now, we are blessed with a beautiful baby girl who I look at everyday and am SO grateful for. I appreciate her every single day. I love seeing her face everyday. I can watch her for hours. She is our miracle baby. I love her so much.

Time flying once again

It's almost July. I can't believe it. Before we know it, Samantha will be 1 and before we know it, Jack will be 2. I want to pause things for just a little bit. I want to have Jack's memory more fresh and I want Samantha to stay small just a little longer. As a mom, I really do comprehend how fast years go by. It seems like yesterday that I was holding Jack and then holding Samantha.

October not only marks Jack's birthday; it also marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness. A group I have on Facebook is doing a hot air balloon ride and releasing heart shaped, plantable confetti with names on them. I added Jack to that list of over 200 babies. I like to remember my baby boy in any way and in as many ways as possible. I think this is a beautiful way....

2013 Remembrance

Stillbirthday’s second annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance event will be a hot air balloon ride, on Friday, October 4, at approximately 4pm.

25 Years of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

On Sean's behalf

Father's Day has come and gone. Sean got texts and calls from people like I did for Mother's Day. And he got the one like me "happy first father's day". He muttered under his breath: it's not my first father's day. He knows that, I know that, Jack knows that. Sometimes I think it's so much harder for Sean. Well, let's say different. He is the guy. He is the one who is supposed to be strong. He is the one who isn't supposed to break down and cry. But one memory that will ALWAYS stay with me is when we poured Jack's ashes at Rocky Lake among all our friends, even the guys, Sean was crying. He was crying a lot. His heart has been broken just like mine has but not as many people realize that because he doesn't have a blog or the ability to talk to others. But he hurts too. Happy Father's Day to my husband and the father of my children.

Shower with a chance of thunder and lightening

Ohhhh, baby showers. I used to love them. I used to think they were so cute and they made me so happy. My baby shower for Jack was something I was so excited about, it made me so happy, and I was thrilled to finally celebrate MY pregnancy and MY baby. But then my world came crashing down and I lost the baby I was so excited to celebrate. And I had a bunch of gifts in an empty room.
Now baby showers just scare me. But this is the one feeling I AM trying to get over. Girls (and guys) should celebrate their pregnancy and be happy for themselves. And of course get lots of gifts. I want to be able to celebrate my friends' pregnancies and take part in the event. I want to be able to plan showers for my friends that were there for mine. I want to help them be excited that they are about to experience the most amazing thing in the world: motherhood. Of course the fear strikes. What if? And that fear will always be there, but happiness has to be there too. And to me, baby showers used to do that. Sure I may not go to every baby shower I'm invited to. I may not go to every shower of people that I am not very close to so I don't have to put myself through possible misery. Especially if it's for a boy. But I want to be able to celebrate friends' babies. And the memories I have of Jack from my baby shower were only good ones. I was so happy. I was so in love with him. And I need to embrace those memories. Jack, just know that no one will ever replace you and no matter what I do, whether it's a smile or a laugh or an "oh and ah" at a baby shower, you are the one who will be on my mind.

Movie

Well I did it. Thanks to help from friends and family, I made the donation. I got more than half what I needed and I could not be happier! So now I wait for confirmation and Jack's name will be in the credits of the movie. I really hope this movie makes it and I can see his name on the screen. I want to take every opportunity I have in order for his name to be "out there". I try to take every opportunity so that our story about Jack can be heard. I want his name to be part of something this important. It will be so amazing and I can only hope that it will actually happen. It will be so hard to watch the movie, but it's so important and I want people to watch it. Let's break the silence.

Donations

So for the Return to Zero movie, there is a part where you can donate at least $250.00 in order to put the name of the baby lost in the section called "In Memory of..." in the credits of the movie. I would feel so touched to see Jack's name on the big screen. Or even the small screen. And to be part of this movie, which to me, is such a big deal. My darling cousin put together an email that we sent to some people. I felt pretty pushy and annoying doing it, but it's very important to me, and I do believe that a lot of people in my life would love to be part of the reason why his name is in the credits. So first of all, thank you, Ania, for motivating me and for doing the email. And thank you to all those who donated. And here is the link to PayPal in case any one here wants to donate:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=77ANE3D8QJBQ6

 

Some words for how I feel

Here are other people's words that help me express just a little bit how I feel on a day to day basis.


Life will never be the same for Sean and me. No matter how many more children we have, no matter how great our marriage is, no matter how many days pass, our lives have changed forever.

Jack will always be my son. And he is my first child. When I became pregnant with him, I became a mother for the first time. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I am so grateful for that. Thanks to him, I was able to finally fulfill the role of a lifetime. The role that I have always wanted.  A mom. Being pregnant with Jack was the most amazing time. I was so happy. It was a miracle. And I will never forget that. And the fact that Jack made me a mom for the first time will never, ever change.

When Jack was taken from us, my heart broke. But it was also filled with so many different raw emotions. It was a feeling that I could never describe. It's a feeling that if you have not dealt with such a devastating loss, you would not understand. It literally feels like a stabbing feeling that has never gone away. It made my world feel like it was shattering all around me. It has completely changed me a person. And I will never be able to forget the horrible experience of losing my first child.

One of the things that will stick with me, and I'm sure Sean as well, is how people reacted to our loss. Our friends and family were amazing and there for us. People who we never expected to reach out did. We had so much love and support. However, there are the select few people who didn't know what to say. Maybe because they didn't know how to react to such a devastating situation or maybe they're just dumb. But some of the words that I heard were just hurtful.

No, you don't know how we feel. No, God did not want my baby more than me. Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be. Don't tell me I can just have other children. Don't tell me he's in a better place. None of those words help because none of them made me feel better nor did they bring my son back. 

The question that will ALWAYS be on my mind and in my heart is WHY?? Why the hell did that happen to us? Why was Jack dead? Why did his heart stop? Why did he stop breathing? Why did that have to happen to us? Why couldn't he just come back? Why didn't I notice something was wrong? Why did it happen? Why, why, why? And the why that I now also live with is: Why did I not choose a natural birth? Why did I have to choose a C-section?

Why can't we travel back in time and change things????

Jack, my son. Jack, my prince. Tears stream down my face as I think of you. The heartache I feel for you is something that I will feel for the rest of my life. The heartache of missing you is something that I can not put into words. I want to be able to hold you and comfort you, my baby. I wish I could see you one more time. You are such a beautiful baby and the world is missing out on such an amazing face. You would have been an amazing person in this ugly world. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for the experiences that we shared. Thank you for bringing us your baby sister. Thank you for watching over us everyday making sure that we are ok. You are Samantha's angel and I am so grateful for that. I hope you are with Dziadzo and you two are able to hug and smile. I hope that he is able to hold you and tell you how much I love you and how painful it was for me to let you go. I love you, Jack. I miss you, Jack. And I am always thinking of you. I cry for you everyday. Kocham cie bardzo.

Remember

Days pass that Jack's name or even existence don't get mentioned. Even between Sean and me. Of course, he's always in our thoughts and we carry him in our hearts, but the time has come when his name does not escape our mouths every single day. There are people in my life that still acknowledge what we went through. People think they shouldn't bring him up or that maybe we have moved on so why touch on such a sore subject. They don't want to hurt us or worse, they have forgotten that we do have a son. That hurts. Please remember that Jack exists and that we have a son. I am not happy to say that I have had a stillborn son but I am proud to say that my son was still born. I have that one regret in life that I know I don't have to mention again, but I never, ever regret Jack. I would not take back that experience. I would not give up the pregnancy I had with him and the moments we shared together. Jack was a miracle that was taken away too soon. I love him and I miss him. I cry for him. My heart aches for him. And I HATE with such indescribable passion that he is not here. When friends do mention him or even the experience, it brings joy to my ears, not pain to my heart. Yes, of course I am still hurting. But I will always be hurting. It hurts more to think that you think I have moved on. I want to scream from the mountaintops: "ALWAYS REMEMBER JACK" and "WE DO HAVE A SON".

Thank you to those who have not forgotten Jack. Thank you to those who mention him. Thank you to those who cherish his memory. Thank you to those who support us and the causes that we believe in. Thank you to those who do the little things. And please, just never forget my Jack Jack.

One of those days...

You know those days when you want to just curl up and be in bed and cry? Those days when you don't want to talk to anyone or deal with anything? Those days that you feel disappointed in everyone and everything? Those days when you expect people to notice that you need a hug but at the same time you don't want to admit it? Well that's me today. I feel sad. I feel glum. I just feel blah. I have been thinking of Jack often. And even more than usual with all the still project stuff. Not saying it's a bad thing, but it definitely makes me emotional. I have the end of my "job" coming up soon. I have no plans for the summer. Yes I am happy I get to spend days with just Samantha and me, but it also adds stress of the no income on my end aspect. I know things will be ok. Sean works hard to support us and I appreciate that. But it's still stressful. I look outside and the day is grey. The rain is falling ever so lightly so you think it may stop but it just continues. I look to Samantha for comfort. She gives me a smile and the weight of sadness is lifted. Even if just a bit. Thank you, my sweet daughter. I don't know where I would be without you.

God only knows....

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows

3-1=0

Losing Jack was literally going back to the beginning. It was literally returning to zero. Our world shattered. Our family of 3 was back to a family of 2 but it felt like we were both broken enough that we didn't know where to go from where we were. We had gone through a life of infertility and disappointments to a life of loss and heartbreak. Would we ever be able to start a family?

I feel like it is such a taboo subject. People don't talk about it. People avoid it. People don't ask about Jack. People don't want to see his picture. They have moved on. They forget that Sean and I have a son. I am part of groups, I research infant loss, I still write and think about what we went through. Did you know Keanu Reeves had a stillborn? Or Lilly Allen? Whitney Houston had a miscarriage while she filmed The Bodyguard, and she was on the set the next day after it happened. And so many other celebrities deal with infertility and miscarriages and infant losses but no one wants to talk about it.

I am passionate about things, but I rarely scream from mountain tops or preach. But this is something I am VERY passionate about and something I will always stand up for. Going through this kind of heart ache is not many people get or understand, but it's something that people should be more aware of. And it should be something that people should learn how to handle.

Here's the link to pledge to see the movie Return to Zero. Sure it might be a depressing movie or it might not win an Oscar, but it's definitely something people should go see:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1

Make the pledge. Go see the movie. And maybe you can understand a little better what we, and so many other couples have gone through.