I had a dream last night that I delivered Jack how I should have. How he deserved. I woke up and wished it was true, but it wasn't. I wish so much that I could turn back time and do it all over again. In my dream, my doctor convinced me to do it naturally. He warned me that I shouldn't do a C-section. I do remember his hesitation when I said I just want him out. I said, "I just want this to be a surgery that I can put behind me". Why? Why the hell did I think like that? Jack wasn't just a surgery that I should have put behind me. He is my son and he deserved to be delivered the way he was supposed to be. I want to scream and pound my head against a wall. I want to be able to go back and FIX this. I would love to go back and save my son from dying. I would love to be more careful and realize that he wasn't moving sooner. I would love to go back and monitor him better. But if I could just go back and give birth to him naturally, I would greatly appreciate at least that. Please?
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I remember when...
![http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5ywIXIWyEHM/T5GzxSxkvsI/AAAAAAAAOPs/WY0aTgEx3kA/s1600/224335625157889547_uOGAQKnc_f.jpg](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5ywIXIWyEHM/T5GzxSxkvsI/AAAAAAAAOPs/WY0aTgEx3kA/s200/224335625157889547_uOGAQKnc_f.jpg)
Monday, June 24, 2013
Time flying once again
It's almost July. I can't believe it. Before we know it, Samantha will be 1 and before we know it, Jack will be 2. I want to pause things for just a little bit. I want to have Jack's memory more fresh and I want Samantha to stay small just a little longer. As a mom, I really do comprehend how fast years go by. It seems like yesterday that I was holding Jack and then holding Samantha.
October not only marks Jack's birthday; it also marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness. A group I have on Facebook is doing a hot air balloon ride and releasing heart shaped, plantable confetti with names on them. I added Jack to that list of over 200 babies. I like to remember my baby boy in any way and in as many ways as possible. I think this is a beautiful way....
October not only marks Jack's birthday; it also marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness. A group I have on Facebook is doing a hot air balloon ride and releasing heart shaped, plantable confetti with names on them. I added Jack to that list of over 200 babies. I like to remember my baby boy in any way and in as many ways as possible. I think this is a beautiful way....
2013 Remembrance
Stillbirthday’s second annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance event will be a hot air balloon ride, on Friday, October 4, at approximately 4pm.25 Years of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance
Monday, June 17, 2013
On Sean's behalf
Father's Day has come and gone. Sean got texts and calls from people like I did for Mother's Day. And he got the one like me "happy first father's day". He muttered under his breath: it's not my first father's day. He knows that, I know that, Jack knows that. Sometimes I think it's so much harder for Sean. Well, let's say different. He is the guy. He is the one who is supposed to be strong. He is the one who isn't supposed to break down and cry. But one memory that will ALWAYS stay with me is when we poured Jack's ashes at Rocky Lake among all our friends, even the guys, Sean was crying. He was crying a lot. His heart has been broken just like mine has but not as many people realize that because he doesn't have a blog or the ability to talk to others. But he hurts too. Happy Father's Day to my husband and the father of my children.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Shower with a chance of thunder and lightening
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbLLNoMm4mWzGnjoqDUBtwRtny_fbfeOrvVbxMRbZFkPfC33fGzfEnaWGBJpGcwRLRsLj-TKJUy8AYa-ZtdMcTr1F8L2hMZ5aBwW3_bw_H29YvRgWPE-9vDKkq2lfWoa8LPBJpP4D8b5t2/s200/shower.jpg)
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Sunday, June 9, 2013
Movie
![https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg77WLp2q5D0BZu4PYZCknYxJpASbD_ApJqASreKl1CuMKKwWH1sUsKksFGy49YV39FQNmrYQgzs-EZZPYv8WNp99u4JUSmsmqZoMzAH70z6NI6_Nr-7dbkCwjnTNUVB5MvGcEL49qWRcI/s1600/photo-main.jpg](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg77WLp2q5D0BZu4PYZCknYxJpASbD_ApJqASreKl1CuMKKwWH1sUsKksFGy49YV39FQNmrYQgzs-EZZPYv8WNp99u4JUSmsmqZoMzAH70z6NI6_Nr-7dbkCwjnTNUVB5MvGcEL49qWRcI/s320/photo-main.jpg)
Friday, June 7, 2013
Donations
So for the Return to Zero movie, there is a part where you can donate at least $250.00 in order to put the name of the baby lost in the section called "In Memory of..." in the credits of the movie. I would feel so touched to see Jack's name on the big screen. Or even the small screen. And to be part of this movie, which to me, is such a big deal. My darling cousin put together an email that we sent to some people. I felt pretty pushy and annoying doing it, but it's very important to me, and I do believe that a lot of people in my life would love to be part of the reason why his name is in the credits. So first of all, thank you, Ania, for motivating me and for doing the email. And thank you to all those who donated. And here is the link to PayPal in case any one here wants to donate:
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=77ANE3D8QJBQ6
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=77ANE3D8QJBQ6
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Some words for how I feel
Here are other people's words that help me express just a little bit how I feel on a day to day basis.
Life will never be the same for Sean and me. No matter how many more children we have, no matter how great our marriage is, no matter how many days pass, our lives have changed forever.
Life will never be the same for Sean and me. No matter how many more children we have, no matter how great our marriage is, no matter how many days pass, our lives have changed forever.
Jack will always be my son. And he is my first child. When I became pregnant with him, I became a mother for the first time. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I am so grateful for that. Thanks to him, I was able to finally fulfill the role of a lifetime. The role that I have always wanted. A mom. Being pregnant with Jack was the most amazing time. I was so happy. It was a miracle. And I will never forget that. And the fact that Jack made me a mom for the first time will never, ever change.
When Jack was taken from us, my heart broke. But it was also filled with so many different raw emotions. It was a feeling that I could never describe. It's a feeling that if you have not dealt with such a devastating loss, you would not understand. It literally feels like a stabbing feeling that has never gone away. It made my world feel like it was shattering all around me. It has completely changed me a person. And I will never be able to forget the horrible experience of losing my first child.
One of the things that will stick with me, and I'm sure Sean as well, is how people reacted to our loss. Our friends and family were amazing and there for us. People who we never expected to reach out did. We had so much love and support. However, there are the select few people who didn't know what to say. Maybe because they didn't know how to react to such a devastating situation or maybe they're just dumb. But some of the words that I heard were just hurtful.
No, you don't know how we feel. No, God did not want my baby more than me. Don't tell me it wasn't meant to be. Don't tell me I can just have other children. Don't tell me he's in a better place. None of those words help because none of them made me feel better nor did they bring my son back.
The question that will ALWAYS be on my mind and in my heart is WHY?? Why the hell did that happen to us? Why was Jack dead? Why did his heart stop? Why did he stop breathing? Why did that have to happen to us? Why couldn't he just come back? Why didn't I notice something was wrong? Why did it happen? Why, why, why? And the why that I now also live with is: Why did I not choose a natural birth? Why did I have to choose a C-section?
Why can't we travel back in time and change things????
Jack, my son. Jack, my prince. Tears stream down my face as I think of you. The heartache I feel for you is something that I will feel for the rest of my life. The heartache of missing you is something that I can not put into words. I want to be able to hold you and comfort you, my baby. I wish I could see you one more time. You are such a beautiful baby and the world is missing out on such an amazing face. You would have been an amazing person in this ugly world. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for the experiences that we shared. Thank you for bringing us your baby sister. Thank you for watching over us everyday making sure that we are ok. You are Samantha's angel and I am so grateful for that. I hope you are with Dziadzo and you two are able to hug and smile. I hope that he is able to hold you and tell you how much I love you and how painful it was for me to let you go. I love you, Jack. I miss you, Jack. And I am always thinking of you. I cry for you everyday. Kocham cie bardzo.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Remember
Days pass that Jack's name or even existence don't get mentioned. Even between Sean and me. Of course, he's always in our thoughts and we carry him in our hearts, but the time has come when his name does not escape our mouths every single day. There are people in my life that still acknowledge what we went through. People think they shouldn't bring him up or that maybe we have moved on so why touch on such a sore subject. They don't want to hurt us or worse, they have forgotten that we do have a son. That hurts. Please remember that Jack exists and that we have a son. I am not happy to say that I have had a stillborn son but I am proud to say that my son was still born. I have that one regret in life that I know I don't have to mention again, but I never, ever regret Jack. I would not take back that experience. I would not give up the pregnancy I had with him and the moments we shared together. Jack was a miracle that was taken away too soon. I love him and I miss him. I cry for him. My heart aches for him. And I HATE with such indescribable passion that he is not here. When friends do mention him or even the experience, it brings joy to my ears, not pain to my heart. Yes, of course I am still hurting. But I will always be hurting. It hurts more to think that you think I have moved on. I want to scream from the mountaintops: "ALWAYS REMEMBER JACK" and "WE DO HAVE A SON".
Thank you to those who have not forgotten Jack. Thank you to those who mention him. Thank you to those who cherish his memory. Thank you to those who support us and the causes that we believe in. Thank you to those who do the little things. And please, just never forget my Jack Jack.
Thank you to those who have not forgotten Jack. Thank you to those who mention him. Thank you to those who cherish his memory. Thank you to those who support us and the causes that we believe in. Thank you to those who do the little things. And please, just never forget my Jack Jack.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
One of those days...
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbrhEYgqzP3OJ4xiUxIMlLfApDWH1m_77i60AVEi5aIKbbaQAW8bElZpVUcHvpaT4ZveU4UyKwiA41afBE1SIAzHP0l0ZAP9bvInOto6bw7UdJtroPEqSSN1nFRPrxVU8Em0Uh8hm7tkaL/s320/one_of_those_days_by_wanton360-d4fk172.jpg)
Monday, June 3, 2013
God only knows....
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
3-1=0
Losing Jack was literally going back to the beginning. It was literally returning to zero. Our world shattered. Our family of 3 was back to a family of 2 but it felt like we were both broken enough that we didn't know where to go from where we were. We had gone through a life of infertility and disappointments to a life of loss and heartbreak. Would we ever be able to start a family?
I feel like it is such a taboo subject. People don't talk about it. People avoid it. People don't ask about Jack. People don't want to see his picture. They have moved on. They forget that Sean and I have a son. I am part of groups, I research infant loss, I still write and think about what we went through. Did you know Keanu Reeves had a stillborn? Or Lilly Allen? Whitney Houston had a miscarriage while she filmed The Bodyguard, and she was on the set the next day after it happened. And so many other celebrities deal with infertility and miscarriages and infant losses but no one wants to talk about it.
I am passionate about things, but I rarely scream from mountain tops or preach. But this is something I am VERY passionate about and something I will always stand up for. Going through this kind of heart ache is not many people get or understand, but it's something that people should be more aware of. And it should be something that people should learn how to handle.
Here's the link to pledge to see the movie Return to Zero. Sure it might be a depressing movie or it might not win an Oscar, but it's definitely something people should go see:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1
Make the pledge. Go see the movie. And maybe you can understand a little better what we, and so many other couples have gone through.
I feel like it is such a taboo subject. People don't talk about it. People avoid it. People don't ask about Jack. People don't want to see his picture. They have moved on. They forget that Sean and I have a son. I am part of groups, I research infant loss, I still write and think about what we went through. Did you know Keanu Reeves had a stillborn? Or Lilly Allen? Whitney Houston had a miscarriage while she filmed The Bodyguard, and she was on the set the next day after it happened. And so many other celebrities deal with infertility and miscarriages and infant losses but no one wants to talk about it.
I am passionate about things, but I rarely scream from mountain tops or preach. But this is something I am VERY passionate about and something I will always stand up for. Going through this kind of heart ache is not many people get or understand, but it's something that people should be more aware of. And it should be something that people should learn how to handle.
Here's the link to pledge to see the movie Return to Zero. Sure it might be a depressing movie or it might not win an Oscar, but it's definitely something people should go see:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1HqU43R7iij8WJt1bavZkmjhmPdci56qakUUKt2VfvWg/viewform?pli=1
Make the pledge. Go see the movie. And maybe you can understand a little better what we, and so many other couples have gone through.
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