Losing her

So one of my MANY fears came true today. Samantha choked on diced apple that I was giving her and Nathan for a snack. It was of course mushy and she was doing great and she loved the apples. Then all of sudden I hear the choking noise and see her face turn red. All I can do is yell obscenities and stick my finger in her mouth and to the back of her throat and I feel the damn apple. Then I realize that is not the right thing to do and grab her and lay her on my arm and beat her back. All the while, I'm cursing like a sailor. She's ok. It literally lasted maybe 5 seconds, but of course to me, it seemed like it was a good hour. I hug her and hold her and just say that I'm sorry and that she's ok. She barely cried and I'm sure thought I was crazy. But I was a shaken mess. I can't lose her. I just can't. I would seriously die. I already think to myself how having Samantha is too good to be true. I feel like it's a dream that I am about to wake up from and realize that I never was blessed with a living baby. That I'm just crazy and I imagine that I have a daughter who is alive and physically in my arms. When I walk into a store and I have Sam int he stroller or in the cart, I have literally asked myself: "Can everyone else see her? Or am I imagining this amazing miracle?" Crazy? Of course. But that's me and my outlook on life. All I know is that I see her and hold her and love her and if I can not continue to do that, my world would come crashing in.

Luckily all is ok. And I am holding Samantha tightly and telling her how much I love her. Her brother, her angel, Jack is up there somewhere watching over her. Her Dziadzo is making sure that she is ok and that she won't be taken from me like her brother was. At least these are the hopes that I have in my heart....