Who you are....

I don't know who still reads my blog, who ever even ever read my blog, or if it's complete strangers. I have over 10,000 views. And I thank you for that. I come here to vent. I come here to express the feelings I feel everyday. This is my journal where I can let everything out with hopefully no judgement. I hope that I inspire the readers and help them realize that there are people that have gone through loss and heartache. I hope that if you know anyone else who has experienced a loss, I am helping in some way. I hope that you realize that even if you go through hell, there will be some sort of light at the end f the tunnel. I hope that you realize not to judge people because you never know what they have gone through. I hope you learn to put yourself in other people's shoes and wonder how you would feel. I don't know why you read or who you are, but I hope that I am doing some sort of good other than being able to vent my emotions.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading. And thank you for allowing me to express myself. I don't do it often and in person. And that is why I come here. And thank you for letting me tell my story and to keep Jack's memory alive and strong.

Sort of a new feeling washing over

I love Jack and I will always be proud to say I am his mother. This proudness washed over me today. I can honestly say that I am so happy to say Jack is my son and I am so proud of that. Through all the heartache and tears, I can say that I am so lucky to have experienced pregnancy with him. I am so lucky to have seen him. And I am so lucky his urn and picture are displayed in our living room. I am so, so proud that I got to be with him even if for a short while. Even when I have those guilty moments when I deny him his existence when a stranger asks me if Samantha is my first, I feel the proudness that I know I have a son. I do tell people about him, but when a random person at the grocery store asks me, I want to brush it off. Don't ask people that question... Because you never know what they have been through.

Jack, my son, I love you. I am so happy that I had you part of me. I am so proud to say I am your mommy and please always know that. I love you. And I want to celebrate you forever and ever.

Papa

Maybe I say it too much but I really miss my father. I was picking my sister up from the airport last night and I couldn't help but wish that he was still here. I am so grateful that he met Samantha. He fell in love with her in an instant. But I know he would have loved to see her now. If he could have only been here a little longer. At least to her 6 month mark. I wanted him to see her smile, hear her laugh, and hear her "talk".
I did spend time with him but I regret not spending MORE time with him. I regret rolling my eyes when I had to do things for him. I regret cringing when I had to care for him in certain ways. I do hope he does get to watch over us and I do hope he can see Samantha. And of course I hope that he and Jack are together.

Back to sadness

Maybe it's the weather or maybe my last post was too good to be true, but I'm feeling pretty gloomy today. Thoughts of Jack and my father swallow my heart. Stress over the months to come fill my head. And the dark clouds outside don't help. I expect bad days still. I know my heart and mind are not healed even after having Samantha and even after over a year. Today is one of those days when I'm constantly on the verge of tears. It's one of those days when my heart literally hurts and the terrible feeling is in the pit of my stomach. These days don't happen as often anymore, but they are still there. And I have to try my hardest not to let Samantha (or Nathan) feel it. Through the tears, I tell Samantha that I love her and that will never change. Through the tears I squeeze her tight. Through the tears I let her know that I am her mother and the love and devotion I feel her will always be present.

It was written perfectly in Still Standing Magazine today:

"Babies born after loss fill you with hope. They soothe your pain and fill your aching arms. But they cannot heal your heart. They cannot fill the space that belongs to their sibling. And for every blissful moment of joy they bring - there is heartbreak woven through it all."

This strong feeling

As I have said before, the feeling of love I have for Samantha is indescribable. But today, the emotion just took over. I looked at her and the feeling of love and pure devotion just took over my entire heart, body, mind, and soul. Yes I am in love Sean. I married him because he is the person I could not imagine living my life without. I married him because I wanted him to be the father of my children. I married him because I fell head over heels in love with him. But the love I feel for Samantha is so extraordinary that I can't put into words like how I can put my love for Sean into words. I chose Sean. I chose to love him. And my love for him has grown ever since. Especially after our children have come into our lives. However, Samantha came into our lives and this absolute feeling of unconditional love that we feel for each other just washed over. I feel sadness on a day to day basis. I have things in my life that stress me out and make me sad and make me wish things would be different. But today, as I looked at Samantha in the eyes, I felt good. I felt this kind of good that I don't feel often. Yes she makes me happy and I am grateful for her everyday. But today, the feeling was stronger than usual. And I liked it. And I am trying not to let myself feel guilty for it. Because poor Jack doesn't get to feel and see me expressing these emotions. Jack doesn't get to experience a mother's love like his sister does. My love for both of them will never die. But I am trying my hardest to accept happiness. I am trying not to let the sadness and guilt get in the way of these amazing feelings of love for Samantha take over. She deserves it. More than I could ever imagine. And I am IN LOVE with her. I want to scream it from the mountains. I want to smother her with kisses and hugs. I tell her over and over again that I love her. I will do this for as long as she lets me!

Mama Memories

I remember how close my mother and I were. After church on Sundays, she and I would go shopping together while my father and my sister went home. That was something we did together. I remember being able to talk to my mother about things from everything about boys to friends to family. I remember my mother trusting me to always be honest with her no matter what the case was. If I was going out to a bar or to a party, my mother knew where I was. She trusted me. Sure there were things she didn't let me do like go to certain clubs. I hated her for that back then, but now I only remember how fair she was to me. I remember giving her attitude and such a hard time for certain things. I was the typical teenage girl with the worst attitude who thought they deserved so much more. I remember her going out of her way to make sure that I would be able to go to the University of Miami because that is what I wanted and what would make me happy. I remember how my cousins would be jealous because my mom actually had good style and would buy the cool clothes. I remember that even when I moved down to Miami, I would call and just gossip with my mom about everything.

I miss my mother. I miss talking to her and getting advice from her. I wish so badly that she could be the one I could call about Samantha advice or to babysit. I wish she could have been there to hold and hug me after we lost Jack. I needed her so badly. And I still do.

I miss you, Mamo.

Losing her

So one of my MANY fears came true today. Samantha choked on diced apple that I was giving her and Nathan for a snack. It was of course mushy and she was doing great and she loved the apples. Then all of sudden I hear the choking noise and see her face turn red. All I can do is yell obscenities and stick my finger in her mouth and to the back of her throat and I feel the damn apple. Then I realize that is not the right thing to do and grab her and lay her on my arm and beat her back. All the while, I'm cursing like a sailor. She's ok. It literally lasted maybe 5 seconds, but of course to me, it seemed like it was a good hour. I hug her and hold her and just say that I'm sorry and that she's ok. She barely cried and I'm sure thought I was crazy. But I was a shaken mess. I can't lose her. I just can't. I would seriously die. I already think to myself how having Samantha is too good to be true. I feel like it's a dream that I am about to wake up from and realize that I never was blessed with a living baby. That I'm just crazy and I imagine that I have a daughter who is alive and physically in my arms. When I walk into a store and I have Sam int he stroller or in the cart, I have literally asked myself: "Can everyone else see her? Or am I imagining this amazing miracle?" Crazy? Of course. But that's me and my outlook on life. All I know is that I see her and hold her and love her and if I can not continue to do that, my world would come crashing in.

Luckily all is ok. And I am holding Samantha tightly and telling her how much I love her. Her brother, her angel, Jack is up there somewhere watching over her. Her Dziadzo is making sure that she is ok and that she won't be taken from me like her brother was. At least these are the hopes that I have in my heart....

Distracted

I think of Jack often. I look at his picture everyday. Every morning and every night, I look at his picture and urn and let him know he's on my mind. But in my life now, things are busy. I have Samantha constantly to watch, feed, change, bathe, comfort. I'm at my friend's house with yet another baby to take care of and distract me from my thoughts on Jack. But in the silent moments when both babies are napping, before I fall asleep, while I'm on Pinterest seeing something that makes me think of him, my thoughts are reminded of my son and how much I miss him. I'm reminded of the pain and heartache I felt a year and a half ago. I am reminded of the hard times we had and still have. And then I get distracted again when a baby cries. But Jack will always be there. He's always in my heart. Always. And it still hurts. A lot.

A year and a half

Sean actually pointed it out to me today. I had a tough day as it is with the babies and with financial issues. And then realizing it's been that long since we lost Jack just made the day goes south even more.
I miss you, Jack. A lot a lot.