Partners in life

Sean and I have had our share of problems. I mean, who doesn't? I know that people think and I know I have thought that some of our issues are worse than others. But through it all, I can honestly say I am very grateful for my husband. He has his problems, and I sure have mine, but through thick and thin, he has been there for me and I know I can count on him. I can depend on him to talk to, I can expect him to be my shoulder to cry on, and I can truly say he listens to me and cares for me. We have been through the hardest thing any couple can face and that only made us stronger. And I know that whatever other issues we face, we can get through them. And now, as I see him as a father, as I watch him with Samantha, my love has only grown stronger. I fell in love with him all over again when I see how much he loves our daughter.

Afterlife

I know everyone wonders what happens after we die. It's something that is a mystery and even somewhat scary. Is my father watching down on me or is he standing beside me? Or is he just in the ground and that was the end? Then the bigger question is what happened with Jack? Is it the same with babies as it is with adults? He couldn't talk, he didn't know us yet, he didn't even see us. So can he still be watching down on us or being near us? Do we get to meet him when we die? And of course I will admit that I wondered about meeting him sooner than later. Did Samantha meet him before coming into this world? Do we "start out" somewhere with the ones that have passed? The question of the afterlife is and will always be constant. And it will always be confusing. I know that. But I will always wonder how it is for our baby Jack Jack. I just do hope that one day we do see him again.

Suffering and Loss

Since losing Jack always made me question how could God let a baby die?How could God allow such pain and suffering? Many religious figures say that without the pain and suffering that we experience, how would we appreciate the happy and good things? If everything was good and we were happy all the time, it would be too common. That may be true. I probably wouldn't appreciate Sam as much as I do. Yes I love her and appreciate her but that is times a million after losing Jack. But I still ask myself what Sean and I did to deserve such pain and loss. I still ask myself how a baby can be taken away from the world before even coming into it. And I still say that it's not fair. But through it all, it makes me a lot more grateful for the love I do have around me.

Missing you

My dearest Papa. I miss you. I wish you could see Samantha right now. I wish you could just see how she is at this stage. I wish you could see her smile and hear her laugh. I wish we could go over to your house and take you on drives and walk around parks or the beach. I wish she could smile at you and make you happy. You would be so happy to see her the way she is. I could see your reaction now. People say they see you in her. That only makes me happy. Are you with Jack? Do you get to hold him and tell him how much I wish he was with me? So many unanswered questions. So many hopes that we will see you again someday. But the wish of having you here for a just a little bit longer can not be granted. I would have loved for you to see her grow just a little bit more.

Kocham cie, Papo.

Continuation

I feel bad about my last post. I feel selfish and it was not necessary. But I am here to vent. I use this to let out my feelings. And back to those feelings from earlier, I add to them. Another reason is the bitterness of everyone's ease at getting pregnant and their naive happiness at being pregnant. I want to be pregnant again. I miss it. It's an amazing time. But then again, there's the worry and fear that I will not meet a child that I carry. Rather, I would experience another loss. Again, I don't know what the future holds. I will be happy to say that Jack and Samantha are my only children. I will be grateful to watch Samantha grow up as my only living child. But I do hope that she will have a living sibling. And I do hope that I will be able to experience another pregnancy and birth. And maybe even a natural one at that.

Just Go Away

Why do I still feel jealousy or feelings of bitterness? First it was when we had the fertility issues, then it was when we lost Jack, and now it's people who are having more than one baby. I still have time I know and I still have a chance to do so, but I still feel bitter. Maybe because I don't know if it will be possible. Maybe because I wish Jack was here so that I could physically have my two children. Sean says we went through hell. We went through the worst thing possible. And now we have been blessed with this beautiful little girl who is so easy going and who is always smiling for us. And for him, that's all he needs. He wants to spoil Samantha and focus our lives on her. I guess I'm just selfish and want to have babies galore. I guess we will see what the future holds for our little family.

Future babies

I still wonder if I will be able to get pregnant again. Sean is happy with Samantha and as of now, does not want any more children. Who knows if that will change. I know once Sam is walking and able to follow him around, I will be left in the dust. He will take her under his wing. I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again and give birth to another child that I can love just as much as I love Jack and Samantha. It's the most amazing feeling in the world and if I could do it ten moretimes, I would. Question of the day, however, is will I be able to get pregnant again? And next question is will I be able to carry baby to full term and actually give birth? It would be amazing if it is possible. I would also love to be able to give birth without having to do a C-section. I regret choosing to have one every single day. Why didn't I give birth to Jack how he deserved? The way I always wanted to.

More hard days

My hard days when I think about Jack are the worst. The pain that I feel in my heart and in the pit of my stomach can not be compared to any other feeling. I watch shows (Downton Abbey, Grey's Anatomy, etc) and the thought of losing a child, the fear I felt during my pregnancy with Sam, the sadness are all constantly reminded. The pain is nothing I can compare anything to. But now, not only do I deal with the sadness of my loss of Jack and I have my bad days thinking about him, I also have the days when I am thinking of my father and how much I wish he was here still. I look at Samantha and think of him. I wish I could take her to him so he could see her smile and hear her laugh. I have such underlying guilt, regret, and demons due to thoughts I had before my father passed away. All the times my father asked me to take him somewhere and I said no mostly because I didn't feel like it or because I thought I was "too pregnant" for the heat. All the times I was frustrated by him and his stubornness I regret. All the times I could have visited and sat with him when instead, I chose to do something else. I took my father for granted. I wish I could do things differently. And I wish so badly he was able to see Samantha now. Just at this time. If he could have lived just a little bit longer....