Grandfather

While we were in Poland, I watched my uncle and aunt playing with their granddaughter. She would run back and forth between them and gave them a hug each time she went to them. Then she sat on my uncle's lap as he played the piano. I am so happy and honored that Papa got to meet his granddaughter. Everyone who had spoken to him said how he spoke about her. He was in love with her. He called her beautiful and smart. He would shout her name as loud as he could. But it also makes me so sad that she won't grow up with him. It makes me sad that he hasn't seen her since September. I wish he could see her today.  I wish he could see her as she changes. I wish I could show her off to him. I wish so badly that I could just jump in my car with Samantha and bring her over to him so that he could see her and hold her. If only we could have had a little bit more time....

Back

I'm back. Back in Miami. Back to my husband. Back to my baby. It was an amazing trip. Tiring, but amazing. I got the closure I needed saying goodbye to my father. I miss him a lot and I only thought about how I would normally come back to Miami and tell my dad the stories of visiting Poland. Or he would have been there with us. It was a beautiful service, beautiful burial, and just a beautiful, emotional experience. I saw cousins and relatives that I have not seen in years. Everyone was there to celebrate a great man; my father. I miss him so much. I do really wish he was still here. I think about how I wish I did more with him during his last weeks. I should have taken him around more, like I used to. But I was pregnant and selfish. And now I regret that everyday.

It's great to be back with Samantha. I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone. I can not describe the heart ache I felt being apart from her. I am just happy to be back with her safe and sound. In any sort of turbulence on the plane, I would grab Jack's necklace and just hold onto it. I would ask him and Papa to just get me to Samantha safely.

The moments

As Christmas approaches, I am now able to share moments that I have waited to do for so long. The Grinch came on TV tonight. I was able to have Samantha on my lap and watch it with her. It's the little things like that, that bring out my tears. There are tears of joy. But then I think of Jack and wish how much it was with him and how he should be here. I have waited so long to spend Christmas time with my children. All my happy moments have become bittersweet moments instead.

Motherhood

I have had amazing moments and feelings throughout my life that I am happy to say I have had and that are unforgettable. I will never forget swimming with wild dolphins and having one literally look at me and smile. My wedding day was one of the most amazing days of my life and I wouldn't change anything about the experience. I married the man I love and the day was perfect in my eyes. I will never forget the day Caroline called me and told me she won the IVF raffle for me which eventually led to my pregnancy with Jack.
All these moments and emotions were amazing and I will never ever forget the. But being a mother is something I can not describe. Being able to see my daughter alive and healthy is a daily experience that I am grateful for each day. I am so in love with my children. I am so happy that I will be able to watch Sam grow. I'm scared but at the same time excited. I wish Jack was here so I could see him become a man. But I am so very happy and thankful to have Samantha.

Booked

My flight is booked. I clicked "reserve this flight" in tears. Samantha woke up when I was done and I picked her up as she smiled at me, hugged her, and cried and cried. I don't know how I'm going to leave her. My sister and Sean kept telling me it will be ok, it will be fast. I know that. But I'm still freaking out. It's so cliche to say, but one really does not understand the emotions a mother feels until they have become one. I am so in love with my daughter and I can't describe how it feels. I am so panicked about leaving her but I'm trying not to be dramatic about it. However it's so hard and I can't explain the irrational fears I'm feeling and I can't help but have them.
Wish me luck!

Panic

I am supposed to fly to Poland next week for Papa's burial. I haven't booked a flight yet and of course since I waited so long, I am having issues finding the flight I would want.
Panic is starting to set in. I don't want to leave Samantha. The thought of being so far from her is killing me. The thought that I won't be able to come back right away if I have to scares the living daylights out of me. The thought that something may happen to me and I won't come back to her is haunting my thoughts constantly.Thinking about leaving her and being so far from her is making me shake and cry. I know Sean can do it and he's an amazing dad and I have complete faith in him. It's everything else that is making me want to scream. However, if I DON'T go, I know that I will regret that forever. I won't be there for the burial, I won't be there for more closure, and I won't be there with more family. So hard....

Jack's Video

I put together a video for Jack's one year. Here it is:

Mama

I wish my mother could babysit Samantha. I wish I could ask her to watch my daughter. I wish my father was still around so he could get to know Samantha and so that she could get to know him. My mother always wanted grandchildren. She loves kids. She spoiled them. She treated my cousin's kids as her own. I couldn't wait to give her grandchild. I could not wait for her to spoil her grandchildren. She doesn't know about Jack. She doesn't know that she has a grandson in heaven. She meets Samantha every time I bring her over there. She loves Samantha's feet. Sometimes she calls her a him. But she also says how cute and smart she is. I just wish so badly that she could know her granddaughter. I wish she could come over and spend time with us. I wish that I could depend on her to watch my baby. I hate that I have lost my mother.

Waking up

Samantha and I both have the sniffles. So going to bed last night, I took medicine to help me sleep. As soon as I realized what I was doing, it was too late. What if she cries at night and I don't hear her? What if I don't wake up when she needs me? The night went smoothly. I woke up around 7:45 and realized Sam had not woken up yet. I started to panic. I looked at the monitor and she was still sleeping. But of course, the only way I could ease my mind is to go into her room and make sure she is still breathing. I put my hand on her chest just to double check. She woke up a few minutes later. I know, I know. All mothers are scared and paranoid. But this feeling SUCKS. I am just so scared I will lose her too.