And yet again...

We really can not catch a break in our little family. A week ago, Sean was in the emergency for kidney stones that he has yet to pass. And yesterday evening we rushed to the ER with Samantha because she fell off her slide (a SMALL slide at that) and landed on her arm in a bad way. After MANY X-rays to make sure to get the perfect picture of her elbow, it turns out Samantha broke her arm. My 18 month old daughter now has a bright pink cast on her left arm. Her screams after her fall killed me, her screams at the hospital made me sob. All I did was ask Jack to watch over his baby sister and make sure she was ok. When they said possible surgery, I said to Jack "please not that". Nurses and technicians looked at me crying and were concerned because they had to make her suffer by moving her around for the X-rays. I told them I know they had to, but her cries KILLED me and made me just let tears roll. Sean was amazing and held onto her the entire time helping them with the positions.

I can NOT believe it. I can NOT believe my baby girl has to suffer for 3 weeks in a cast. All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is hold her and tell her it will be ok. All I want to do is turn back time and not take her outside for that one more time before giving her a bath. All I want to do is take the pain away from her and put it on myself.

I just want to go on and not have to have hospital visits or illnesses or deaths. I want some GOOD to continue in my life.

My amazing daughter

I would like to rave about the awesomeness of my daughter. She truly is a gift and a miracle and I am so proud of her. Sean and I can honestly already say we have an intelligent, gifted daughter. Sure I may be biased, but I can see it and I can feel it. She picks up words daily. She follows routine and procedure fluidly. And she recognizes things easily. She tries to sing her ABC's and she already takes part in the E I E I O part of Old McDonald. When I open the dishwasher, she rushes over to help me. And oh does she try so hard to help! She pulls out the silverware and opens the proper drawer and puts them in. They may not go in the right place, but they're in the correct drawer. She pulls out whatever she can and hands it to me. When it's bed time, she knows when to go to brush her teeth (I sing our little "brusha brusha" song). She is such a big girl now, she stands on a stool all on her own and opens her mouth as I brush her teeth at the sink. She then goes straight to her bedroom and awaits our nightly procedure. She even takes part by pressing her seahorse that lights up. My daughter is amazing. I tell her that everyday. She is growing up so fast and I am in awe each day at the new things she shows us.

We are so lucky to have such an easy going daughter who sleeps through the night. We are so lucky to have such a smart daughter that I know will only make us more proud as she grows up. We are so lucky to have a daughter that enjoys doing the things we enjoy to do. I am so grateful for Samantha.

I hope

I hope he knows that he is still part of our lives. I hope he knows he is and always will be a part of this family. I hope he knows that I am shedding these tears for him. I hope he knows that my heart still aches for the kicks I felt. I hope he knows that his heartbeat will be a sound I will never forget and that I will always miss. I hope he knows that he made me the happiest person in the world when he came into our lives. I hope he knows that the day we lost him, I too died. I hope he knows that he has made me the mother I am today. I hope he knows how grateful I am that he chose me as his mother. I hope he knows that I am so grateful for everything he has taught me. I hope he knows how much we love him. I hope he knows how much I miss him. I hope he knows how much I think about him. I hope he knows that he is not forgotten.

Jack. My son. I hope you can hear me.

Butterfly

It's not a secret that my "symbol" for Jack is a butterfly. When I
see one outside, I automatically think of him. When one flutters around
Samantha, I think that Jack is checking in on his sister. Driving down
the street and if one floats by, I think that my son is saying hello
and letting me know he's there. Butterflies hang in Samantha's room over
her crib. Every night, I point to them and she says "bah byes".


And now, even watching an episode of Sesame Street, Samantha's favorite
character makes a butterfly friend and sings a touching song that of
course brings tears to my eyes. Any time we watch the episode and the
song comes on, all I can do is stare at Jack's picture. As Samantha
watches intently or as she plays on the floor in front of the
television, I am staring at Jack's picture crying to a song sung by
Elmo. Funny and weird as it may seem, it's those little moments that
touch my heart and make me think of my son. I love you, Jack. And I miss
you.

Boxes of Memories

I needed a picture of Jack's footprints. So I went through his boxes in Samantha's closet. Memories, emotions, heart ache, and tears rushed in. The first box I opened contained all the cards we received from all our loved ones. The next box contained all the onesies that were made at my baby shower. There was the box that contained his baby book. Sadly, that stops at the ultrasound pictures. Then I opened the box where his footprints are. Along with his amazing footprints were so many more beautiful and emotional memories. His hospital bracelet is in there. The blanket he was wrapped in is in there. The onesie and his hat that he wore are in there. I can't hold him. I can't squeeze him tight. Instead I can only hold onto these keepsakes and smell them and imagine him in them. I can only keep these objects in boxes forever and remember my Jack Jack as the most beautiful baby in the world. I can only pull these memories out every now and then when I need to remember my baby boy and his amazing impact he has had on our lives. I hate that I don't have Jack in my life. I cringe at the pain and the thought. But I am glad I have my little keepsakes to hold onto so that I have a little part of him. 

I love and miss you, my prince.

Be grateful

Everyone has their bad days. Everyone has the right to have bad days. We all go through them. People complain about Mondays,  about something going with significant others, about their parents, and so much more. Life is hard. Life is stressful. I get that. But I hope you realize that no matter what kind of day you're having, you have so much to be grateful for. There's always something in your life to be thankful for whether it be material things, family, or friends. Or if you're lucky, all of the above. Have those bad days when you just want to vent and scream. Have those days when you just can't deal with anyone. Have those days when you just want to complain about everything and everyone. I get those days. We all have them. But nowadays, I try to breathe. I just take some deep breaths and remember that no matter the crap we go through, no matter how low we go, no matter what we have lost, there are people and things in our lives that we have to be grateful for. I have been through some sh*t. I would think you would agree. I am still going through tough times. But I am trying to remember that throughout all the darkness and heartache, I have to remember that people can't always deserve my negativity. Especially those people that are important to me. Most importantly, my daughter. I am trying so hard to show gratitude and positivity and boy is it hard, but I'm trying. So try too. Try not to let the little things get you down. Try not hold grudges. Try to realize that no matter how hard you may think you have and no matter how crappy your day feels, someone out there has it much worse. Just try. And no matter how bad you do think you have it, things could be worse and things will get better.

A new year

2014 has come upon us, yet I feel a little like the same me. I'm getting older, my daughter is getting older, and time is passing by. And though years now go by almost as fast as days, I am still missing a piece of my heart. Time has not healed the wound and I am still not the person I once was. I may laugh at a joke or not shed tears everyday, but I am not the happy person I would like to be. I don't think I ever will be. It affects my life. It affects my relationships. But my son was taken from me and I don't think I will ever be the person I am "supposed" to be. There is always something missing. I don't know how else to describe it. It's just a piece missing. It's a constant sadness that won't go away. It's a continuous bitterness that comes over whenever there is joy. It's the feeling of guilt whenever I feel at all happy. It has changed me. And I don't know if I will ever be what people expect me to be. And I don't know if my life will ever be truly satisfied or happy. I hope that it doesn't push the people around from me. I hope that it doesn't affect my daughter's life or happiness. But it is who I am now and it's something I have to learn to accept if I can not change it.