Cuddling

Today, as Samantha laid against my chest and held onto me for comfort, all I could think about was Jack and how he should have been able to do hold onto his mother for comfort as well. If he was struggling and if he had any pain, I didn't know it. I wasn't able to hug him and kiss him and tell him that mommy was there for him. If he suffered in my womb before he died, I could not tell. I was supposed to be there for him. I wish I could have cuddled him and held him. I wish I could have felt his warm skin against mine and felt his fingers curl over mine. But instead, I had to see him laying still and see that damn flat line. And I will never know if he felt any pain before passing away. I love you, Jack. Mommy holds onto you in her heart forever. And ever.

Dreams

I have been having weird baby dreams lately. They are kind of crazy and even scary. First one was the I was pregnant and I lost the baby. Another devestating blow. Then I was pregnant again and had a baby with three heads. The baby was very sad and creepy looking. I did not know what to do with him (at least I think it was a him). I had him hidden away covered by a blanket at a house. I looked around for someone to get advice from but everyone was busy riding around in trucks or four wheelers. I finally found my mother but she stared at me blankly and went on her way in a truck on her own. I couldn't find Sean and I just kept wondering what the doctors would do with the two "extra" heads.

Second dream was back to Samantha and how a friend was holding her and he dropped her on her head. The feeling of fear rushed over me. I think the fact that she still does back bends every now and then as people hold her, I had that dream. Sure it happens, but God forbid one day she goes back too far and falls out of someone's arms. I'm not paranoid in the slightest and I trust my friends to take care of her, but it's that subconscious fear that anything can happen.

Oh the power of the mind....

Two minds, one thought...

Looks like our connection goes deeper than I thought. I wrote the post earlier and then Sean and I finished a movie. As I turned on the lights next to our tv, I heard Sean start to cry. He lost it. He saw Jack's foot and hand prints and couldn't control the tears. I sometimes forget his pain and I told him that we need to talk about Jack more. He bought Sam toys today. He bought toys for Jack at the same place. He said "he's supposed to be here."
Put yourself in our shoes... We love our son and miss him so much that it hurts to breathe. When we start to cry, we can't stop because we want him here so bad. But then, think. If we had Jack, we wouldn't have Samantha. I couldn't imagine my life without our daughter. We love her more than anything in the world. I watch as Sean looks at her and plays with her and know that he loves her more than anything. But we both are broken hearted because of Jack. How do you handle that kind of pain and happiness at the same time? Needless to say, we will be crying ourselves to sleep tonight.

The New Year Begins

Time is flying. My daughter is almost 5 months old. I can not believe it. Before we know it, we will be celebrating her first birthday. I can't wait for all those memories to share with her and to watch her grow, but it also makes me sad that it's going by so fast. I want to make sure to cherish every moment. As the time goes by, Jack's loss gets further and further away. I feel like I am on a very long road of life and I keep looking back and Jack's face seems further back. I still think of him everyday and I still cry about how much I miss him. But as the time goes by, I can't believe that it's been over a year. Before we know it, it will be ten years. I know the pain will still be there and it will never go away, even when it's been 20 years. It's scary to think that time is passing and he's not coming along for the ride. Instead, he's being left behind. He won't get to be there for Samantha's firsts. He won't get to teach her things and be a big brother like he should be. I wish I could see them play together, see them fight, see them hug, and listen to them laugh together. I miss Jack a lot. And the heartache is strong today....

New Year

I wonder what 2013 will be like. I can't believe that this time last year, I was mourning Jack while beginning my pregnancy with Samantha. I can't believe that this time last year, Sean and I spread our son's ashes in a lake. Our son. Our poor son who was taken from us way too soon. I wish so badly that he was here. I wish he was spending the time with us instead of us having to visit his resting place. I wish I could be carrying him instead of wearing him around my neck. The pain is not going away even after this year...
I can only hope that 2013 will be kind to Sean, Samantha, and me. No more deaths. No more traumatic experiences. No more added sadness. I just want 2013 to bring us happiness. Or at least stability.

Happy New Year...

Morbid Feelings

As a mother who has dealt with a loss, I have the constant fear. I get those feelings that I will wake up one morning and realize that Samantha is not making any noise and I will find her dead. Even when she is sleeping near me, I check to see if she is breathing. Then I actually imagine something happening. I actually imagine what would happen and what our life would be like. Sure, I should be happy and try to just cherish my moments and memories with her. And I AM happy and I AM cherishing every second I have with her, but I feel like I should expect the worst. Call me crazy and morbid, but I can't help it.

Wigilia

Today is Christmas Eve. We will be going to dinner at my family's house. My father will be missing. For the past few years, I told Sean: "This could be my last Christmas with Papa" and last year when I said it, I was right. I just wish I cherished it a bit more. I'm sad that he is not here to spend it with us. I am sad that he is not here to see Samantha spend her first Christmas with family. It makes me cry....I am feeling heart ache wishing that he was here. It reminds me of the heart ache I felt when I would close my eyes and wish SO hard that Jack was still with us. But then, I'd open my eyes and realize it would never happen. I know it was time for my father to leave us; I just really wish he could have spent some more time with Sam.
I'm trying so hard to just be happy. I told Sean today that people around me are dying and it is just not worth focusing on the non-important stuff. It's just so hard for me to happy when the people I love are leaving me.