It's been a while

Ups and downs. My life continues. My life continues to have good moments that I wonder how I should react to. 

My mind goes down when it comes to my life but then I have happy moments that make me wonder if I'm supposed to smile and have joy. Am I supposed to be sad? My marriage goes down over issues most marriages go through. But then the ups come back and I feel joy. But a part of me wonders if I am supposed to be happy. Should I still continue to feel pain? My relationships with friends falter and I ask myself what is meant to be. 

I live my life asking if I am supposed to continue to grieve or if I am supposed to move on. Is there a medium? No matter what happiness I feel in my life, I ask myself if I deserve it because of my loss. No matter how many smiles and good times I go through I wonder if I should feel guilty because my son is not with me to this day. It's so hard to ever be truly happy in any part of my life because Jack is not here......

 But no matter what, he is worth every moment, every pain, every question, every emotion.

Another death

Our darling Cosmo was put down yesterday. He was a crazy dog. He made me crazy at times. But through it all, he was the best companion we have had. We loved him and he loved us. He survived through a lot, but age finally got to him. His heart and his lungs couldn't do it anymore. We tried medicine, but it didn't seem to be working. It was more like torture for him. He didn't eat anymore. He looked so skinny. So, so skinny.

When I call the dogs to go out, I want to say his name. When I lie on the couch, I look for his ears to play with. When I feed the dogs, I look for the 3rd bowl. I miss him. A lot. I question if we should have waited a little longer. I question if we should have forced more medicine on him. But it was so hard to watch him how he was. He wasn't happy. He barely could move. I felt like it was time for him to go.

I wonder if dogs and people see each other after death. And as I have said it before, I sure hope so....

Grave

There are moments when I do with we buried Jack. There are moments when I wish that I could visit a headstone and sit with Jack and talk to him. He is always around my neck at least. Always with me. And Rocky Lake is his grave site. But it's also far. And the times that I can't go, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I'm not visiting my son. I'm not spending time with him. 

When I have my moments on the dock at Rocky Lake, tears fill my eyes as I talk to Jack. I tell him about what's going on in our lives. I tell him about how his sister is growing up. I ask him about Papa and ask if they're together. If we had a headstone somewhere closer, I could do this more often. And something is different about having him in an urn. 

Our lives have changed in so many ways. We have so many ups and downs. I don't know what the future is holding for us. I just know that this pain in my heart is not going away and I want to visit my son and see him so badly.

2.5

Dear Samantha,

You are almost two and a half years old. Everyone thinks you're 3 or 4 because of how tall you, because of how advanced you are, because of how amazing you are.

You have reached the Disney princess phase. You love the movie Frozen. You and I have seen the movie about 1000 times. You sing the songs, you imitate the movie, and you love Elsa. You pick up our eyelids and say "do you wanna build a snowman?" Though you love that movie, I love watching the classics that I love with you. I played Ariel in a family play so I love watching Little Mermaid with you. Cinderella was one of my favorites growing up so I love singing the songs with you. And my all time favorite, Sleeping Beauty, is one I can watch with you over and over! Bunia would get me a Disney movie every year for Christmas so watching them even reminds me of her. 

I will continue to write about you, about your growth, about your amazingness. And I hope that I will never lose the memories we are sharing.

I love you!!!!
 

Another year, another chapter

2014 is coming to a close. And it's another year that I don't have people in my life that I would kill to have here. 

I have spent the past couple of days with my sister and my mother. My mother of course is still unaware, still not there, and still no my mom the way I want to remember her. I observed how Samantha touches her or talks to her and my mother's response is like a stab in the heart. When she was my mom, she was in need of grandchildren. When she was my mom, she would have loved Samantha so much. When she was my mom, I would have been grateful to have her as Samantha's Bunia. Now Samantha spending time with her is more of an obligation to me so she at least knows who she is. Another year without my mom.

Of course as we spend time together, Papa is missing as well. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. It literally pains me that he does not know Samantha at this stage in her life. He would be so in love and so proud of her. It pains me that I can't smell my father one more time. I can't hear his laugh. And I can't feel the touch of his hand holding onto mine. Another year without Papa.

And my Jack Jack. My Prince. Let me count the stars and that still would not amount to the number of times that I think of having him in my arms. I was able to be "near" him Christmas night. I told him how much I wish I was able to give him a Christmas gift. To dress him up in Christmas pajamas. To watch him open presents. And to spend these holidays with him. Watching Samantha and having the moments with her is amazing but at the same time, I know I should be having the moments with her brother. Another year without Jack.

I am hoping for a good 2015. My years are never truly happy because I always have parts of me missing. My heart will never be healed enough to be truly happy. But I do wish for happiness for my family and friends. And their happiness would make me a little bit happier in the new year.

Here it comes

The holidays are a special time that I loved and still do. Slightly. But it's also the time when I miss Jack and my dad and my mom the most. I want to watch Jack open his gifts at Christmas. I want my dad to give me a hug and sit with us during Christmas Eve dinner. I want my mom to be the grandmother she's supposed to be to my children. 

And again, these are the negative things I don't have control over. These are the things that hurt my heart and affect my brain and make me lose sleep and make me have breakdowns while driving. 

I'm sorry to all of you who lost loved ones too soon who can't be with you this holiday season. I'm sorry to all those people who's parents and grandparents can't be with them. It plain sucks. I just hope that they are "with" us in some way or another.

Life in Negative Town

Don't you hate it when you're brain can't stop and it's all the negative thoughts? You lose sleep because you can't stop about everything that is unfair. You feel bitter and jealous. Well if you never felt that way, then stop reading because I don't want to be a discouraging b*tch. 

I miss being naive and stupid. I miss not having everything in my life that I want not in front of me. And it's things I can't fight to get back or fight to get at all. I miss not being bitter and jealous of things that I can't have anymore. I miss being happy for people without that bitter feeling lingering behind. I miss just being happy for the things I have like my job, my husband, my daughter, my friends, my sister... Instead, there is always something missing. Pieces of my heart. Pieces of my life have been taken away. Things I want now or in the future, I can't have. Those are the thoughts and feelings that overcome my brain and heart. They keep me up at night. They take over the rest of me. They have changed me forever.

15

October 15....

Jack's due date. I remember being so excited that he would be an October baby. Fall is my favorite season. The holidays would have been coming up. My little pumpkin. But instead, I grieved his loss and had to spend the beautiful fall days crying wishing the my son was with me.

October 15.....

Sean planted the tree for Jack. His tree is 3 years old. It's beautiful. I just wish it was a tree to celebrate his life instead of his death. Now we worry that if we move, we would have to figure out how to take the tree with us or if we would leave it behind. It might just keep us here.

October 15.....

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day worldwide. People around the world light a candle at 7 PM in every time zone to remember babies lost. Just so happens to be the same day as Jack's due date and the day we planted his tree. I think about it and if we did not lose Jack, I would never know. I would be blind to such a pain and such a day. I would be in the dark about it. Sure if I had a glimpse into someone else's world of loss I would feel bad. I would sympathize, but then I would think to myself, that will never happen to me. But instead, I'm part of the statistic and part of this world of baby loss. And I wish no one had to be.

October 3, 2014

12:20 AM -- Sean comes home from working late so that we are able to leave for Rocky Lake right when I get home from work today. Of course, I look at the time and realize the 3rd has come. And all I think about is how much I miss Jack.

12:35 AM -- I had just fallen asleep as Sean came into bed. Then Samantha wakes us up screaming. Sean goes into her room to check if her fever has come back. It did. And bad. Sean brings Samantha into bed. And right away, both of us say "Of course. This has to happen today." Sean starts to freak out that something serious is the matter. Samantha calls for me over and over again as I try to comfort her. Right away my mind goes to Jack and I just ask him to watch over his sister and make sure she's ok.

1:00 AM to 3:00 AM -- Samantha continues to cry and complain. We have never seen a side like this to her. Even when she's sick, she sleeps through the night. All she is doing is crying, dozing off and on, then waking up and crying again. During the times I am awake, which is most of the night, all I am thinking of how the time around Jack's birthday has become this black cloud. All I want to do is CELEBRATE his remembrance, but instead I am cursed with back surgery and days of forced rest or my daughter gets very sick and I can't do anything but worry about her. Visiting Rocky Lake is like visiting his grave site. I don't have the tombstone to kneel at. I don't have the head stone to put flowers or toys near. Instead, I have Rocky Lake where we spread his ashes and to me, that is just as sacred. And I would like to visit him.

4:05 AM -- Samantha finally falls into a deep sleep while lying on top of me. Her breathing is very fast and shallow. As her fever makes both of us start to sweat, I move her carefully between Sean and me. She begins to cry again and then finally falls back asleep. I think to myself that as morning comes, my packing and prepping for Rocky Lake were probably all for nothing.

5:55 AM -- Samantha is sleeping right against me. All I want to do is sleep more but know I have to get up soon to get to work. I don't want to try to sleep until my alarm goes off risking it waking up Samantha. So I get up earlier than usual and get read for work. I let Sean know I am leaving and tell him to take Samantha to the doctor and to update me as much as possible. Instead of him getting us ready to leave for weekend away, we are now worried about what could be wrong with our daughter. But all I can do is hope that she is better now that she is finally asleep and we will be on our way to Rocky Lake to visit Jack and celebrate his birthday in a few hours.

7:00 AM to 12:00 PM -- I am at work. Co-workers say hello and ask how I am with no idea that 3 years ago today, I experienced the worst thing anyone should go through. People say "Happy Friday!" in the hallways as I simply cringe at the word happy. I write "October 3, 2014" on the board and put a 3 on my October calendar. I watch as my students write the date on their tests. I listen as they say the date as they write. I have to say it as some students ask me what it is. "It's my son's birthday", I want to say.  But instead, I focus on work and try to make it an easy day for all of us. Easy day. Ha. What a concept for October 3rd.

1:00 PM -- I got to lunch with co-workers as Sean takes Samantha to the doctor.

1:30 PM -- I am meeting with co-workers and helping do necessary paperwork and filing for the school.

1:57 PM -- I get a text from Sean saying "They are saying pneumonia" and that he is going to the ER to do X-rays to confirm or deny it. I tell my co-worker that as I continue to work. A few minutes pass, and I realize I can barely concentrate. The order of the papers I am doing is a blur and the tears in my eyes begin to well up. I can not believe this is happening TODAY. I mean COME ON! Not to be selfish here, but what the hell did I do to deserve such bad luck??? 3 years ago, I lose my son. 1 year ago, I have back surgery and can't move. And now this?

2:21 PM -- I let my co-worker know I have to go. I can't pretend anymore and I need out of work. She is very kind (unknowing of Jack) and tells me to go ahead.

3:00 PM to 8:00 PM -- I walk into the ER and see Sean, Samantha, and a friend. I ask if this has become some joke that I can't go to Rocky Lake for Jack's birthday, but instead have to spend it in hospitals and in medical conditions. If there is a God, is He really this unfair? Tests continue, time passes, tears flow. Samantha has pneumonia. Sean and I go back and forth on the idea of still leaving for the weekend. We both consider it and both want to. I'm exhausted. I still am tired from night before. However, we are packed and ready to go. But it's getting late. I don't want to torture Samantha with a long car ride. And then I realize, I still have her prescription to fill. As of now, plans for Rocky Lake are canceled.

9:15 PM -- We are finally home. We light 3 lanterns for 3 years. We set them up into the sky. We have our heads up as we watch the lanterns float up into the sky. The weird thing is, I don't cry. I barely cried today. Is that bad? Am I supposed to have bawled my eyes out like I did the past 3 years? Maybe I'm too tired. Maybe Samantha "stole her brother's thunder" like I kept telling her today. Whatever the case may be, I feel heavy and sad, but I haven't had the closure of a break down or a good cry. I feel isolated. I feel different. I feel like I have changed. I feel like I can't smile or have fun. I feel like I don't deserve it.

Now -- Samantha is in her bed, asleep. I am very tired. I am going to sleep now. I wish I could hold my son just one more time. I wish I could be there in that OR 3 years ago and hold onto him for a few more seconds. Stare at him for one more minute. Take more pictures of him. But I can't. And even after 3 years, these feelings feel just as fresh as they did that day if not more because the time has passed and I feel like I am losing him more and more. And that is why I am not the same person.

Happy 3rd birthday, Jack. My prince. We miss you. We miss you more than these words can describe. We miss you more than those lanterns can light the sky. Please know that no matter where I am, I am thinking of you. I know it's not the same. But no matter what, your family loves you.

October 2014

The hardest month of the year for me is upon us. October. October. October. Monday hit and I felt like I hit a wall. It felt like a ton of bricks came down to rest on my shoulders. Things just went wrong throughout the week whether it be a broken projector, tearing up to a fellow co-worker because she noticed how sad I was, a fever blister, a bad day with students, or of course, to top it all off, a sick Samantha with a fever.  Friday is creeping up on me. And I'm literally scared sh*tless. I'm scared of how I will feel that morning. I'm scared of how I will handle myself throughout the day. And I'm scared that Jack will not be remembered by me as he should be. I'm scared that 3 years is too long. I'm scared because I am supposed to have a son in my arms and I might not think about him enough. I'm scared that I will feel too much guilt. I am scared of how much it will hurt.

When I lost Jack, it was devastating. Words can not express what the emotions I felt were like. The one year mark was very painful. I couldn't believe that I had lost my son a year ago. I couldn't believe that he was gone. And I could not believe that so much time had passed. Year two was filled with guilt because of my back surgery. Two years was even MORE time than one year and I couldn't believe where the time had gone. Year two made me only imagine a little boy running around and holding and kissing his little sister. And now, year 3 is upon us. Year three is hard. Very hard. It's been 3 years. So yes, that's a long time. I can't believe that EVEN more time has passed. But at the same time, it seems like yesterday. It's a weird one. It's a long time, but it's not. I feel like I want to be alone. I feel like nothing and no one will make feel better. Samantha makes me smile and all I want to do is love her and cuddle her (especially since she is sick), but this week, I just want to stay under the covers alone and cry myself to sleep over and over again.  I don't know if this year's remembrance will take place at Rocky Lake or at home. I don't know if I will be caring for a sick baby. I don't know how things will turn out. But I do know that Jack is in my heart, on my mind, and missing from our lives.

What else to say for today... other than I am just down. Really, really down. And I still can not believe that my son is gone.

Missing Papa

It's been two years since Papa passed away. And everyday I see Samantha grow, it hurts me more and more that he's not here to see here. I know, I know. He's "watching" over her, but it's not the same. Trust me. Not having a parent around to be a grandparent for your child is really, really hard. Especially when that parent was so awesome and he was so in love with Samantha. I wonder if this is how my parents felt about the fact that my sister and I did not have time with our grandparents. Because it really hurts. But of course, I can't ask them. 

Papo, you were the most amazing, kind, and loving father. I am so happy and proud that I am able to call you my father. I miss you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry for all the times I did not show the appreciation you deserved. I'm sorry I did not spend more time with you when I should have. I am so happy that you got to meet Samantha. And it makes me so sad that you can't be a physical part of her life. I do hope that you are with Jack though. Kocham cie.

Years...

The 20th of this month marks 2 years since losing my father. And then of course, October 3rd marks 3 years since losing Jack. As I think of these days, my chest already tightens and my eyes begun to water. The pain feels good because it brings me close to them, but it also hurts because I wish it wasn't so. 3 years is a long time, but at the same time, it's not a long time. The pain is still fresh, but I'm sure people expect me to have moved on or to be over it. But it's the opposite. The pain is still there and it hurts even more because Jack isn't the topic on my lips all the time. It hurts even more because people don't remember that his birthday is upon us. It hurts even more because I should have a 3 year old boy by my side. 

Losing my father hurts me more because he's not here to be part of Samantha's life. It kills me that she can't get to know him. And it kills me that he can't see the child she has become. He would be obsessed with her. I don't have the closure I need to feel of Samantha having met my parents as grandparents. And I will never have that closure and it will hurt me for the rest of my life.

I loved the fall months. I loved this time of year. But now, as the weather cools, as the holidays approach us, I begin to feel more and more heart ache as the days pass. 

Another new beginning

So I have started a new job. I am enjoying it. I love my co-workers, I love my bosses, and I love the school. I hope it's for the long run.

However, new job means new people. And new people means people who don't know about Jack. Sure I have talked about Samantha. But Jack hasn't "come up" yet. I feel guilty that I don't talk about him. But do I randomly say, "by the way, I have a son too but he died." It came up in conversation with one person and I told her about him right away. But only because it was a moment when it made sense to talk about him. And of course she got "chills" and you can hear the sympathy in her voice. 

Argh, it's hard. So hard. And I miss him. And his memory seems to be getting too distant and that scares the sh*t out of me. I can't believe it's almost 3 years. I don't want time to go by so fast because I feel like it will fade too much. No matter what though, he crosses my mind all day, everyday.... 

Papa's Birthday

It is not the first time his birthday has come around without him here, but his birthday is a day when I miss my father even more than usual. I think about him all the time, but days like today, I think of him at every second. I wish so badly that he was here. I wish he had just a little bit longer than he did so he could see Samantha. I wish so badly that he had just a little bit longer so that he could be here to tell me everything will be ok. I wish he had just a little bit longer so he could be in Poland this year for the 70th anniversary of the Warsaw Uprising which he was part of. I miss my Papa. I miss him A LOT. It breaks my heart that he is still not here. Losing Jack was a tragedy. It was horrible, unexpected, and it shouldn't happen to anyone. Losing Papa was not. He died because he was old. He died because it was his time. But I still him constantly and I still wish that it didn't happen when it did. I wish that there was just a little bit more time that he could spend with his granddaughter.

Papo, if you can hear me: I love you. Kocham cie bardzo. You are always on my mind and I appreciate everything you have done for me in my life. You were the most amazing man that I am SO proud to call MY father. I hope that where ever you are, you are celebrating your birthday with your parents, with Strycio W, and with Jack.

Still hard

I write happy birthday on people's Facebook all the time. I always thought it was a nice reminder of people's birthdays that I would never know it was their birthday or for people around the world that I usually wouldn't call or write. But ever since losing Jack, the word "birthday" is still hard for me to say and write. I don't like the word anymore. I cringe every time it comes to my mind. Soon after Jack, I couldn't even let myself write it on Facebook. I would "miss" people's birthdays because I didn't want to write the word. 

Jack died before his birthday. Can I even called October 3rd his BIRTHday? I do anyway. Jack's date of death was before his birth. I can never explain how that feels. However, as the years pass, I want to celebrate his birthday no matter what. He deserves just as much as everyone else does, if not more. He is our son and he is amazing and he needs to be celebrated and not forgotten. 

Tragedy

A tragic event has struck a local family. A horrific boat accident has taken the lives of 4 people, including someone we somewhat know. I can not begin to imagine losing a child (again). I can't imagine living through such a terrible tragedy. And I can't imagine seeing my 20 year old lifeless daughter floating in the water. My heart aches for these families. I get emotional thinking about it. The emotions remind me of Jack and how I felt when I lost him. My mind just imagines how it would be like if I lost Samantha. I know I don't and can't compare the feelings that the parents and siblings of the lost ones are feeling. But being a parent and being a parent to a baby I have lost, I just feel extra emotions these days. And at the same time, the feelings of appreciation have come back stronger. I am grateful for the family I have, I am grateful for the friends I have, and I am grateful for the life I have (most of it). To be somewhat dramatic, I can say that I have had some bad luck these past few years. But losing Jack, and now from this, I try to remember that life is short and we never know what will happen. We need to appreciate what we have and tell everyone we love them before it's too late. I have regrets and they suck. And I don't want anymore. I want the people in my life to know I care about them and love them. I want to spend time with my family and enjoy every moment and make plenty of memories. I want Jack to be talked about more and I want his memory as a son and brother to live on forever.

Live your life to the fullest as much as you can. I know we can't all travel the world including myself. But cherish the moments you live. Life really is short.

Death

I'm used to death. Especially with an older generation. It doesn't hit me as hard I guess. But it still plain sucks. There's no other way to describe it. My uncle passed away today. Another loss in my life. My father's brother, the uncle I am closest to, the father of my cousins has passed away. I was there. Samantha was there. I cried. I watched my cousins and aunt cry. 

I continue to wonder what the afterlife is like. I continue to hope that there is a heaven where we can see our loved ones again. I only hoped that Papa left us and went to Jack. And now I can only hope that my uncle and father are together with their parents. Will I be able to see them again? I know it's a question many people have, but with all the recent losses in my life, I can only wonder.... 

Rest in peace, Strycio. 

In the face of another experience

A teacher at my school faced a loss yesterday. She was pregnant with a baby who's future was bleak no matter what she did. Her baby was destined to die. She decided to carry the baby until two days ago, she went in for an appointment, and they could not find a heart beat. Devastating news. Even if you are expecting it one day.
She went in yesterday for a termination. Not natural labor, not a C-section, but a termination. I felt awful. I told her my regrets. I told her how important it is to spend time with her daughter. I told her she IS a mother and that baby IS her daughter. I told how much I regret not spending more time with Jack. I told her much I wish I had more pictures of him. However, it's her choice, it's her life, and she did the termination. It saddens me, it angers me, and it devastates me. I HATE that people have to go through with this. It's not fair. How can God let women suffer like this? How can God give us children and simply take them away? Why give them to us in the first place???? I don't like to be this bitter, angry person who questions the existence of God, but what can you expect from me? People turn to God for answers but I can't find a decent one for this.
To my coworker, to the other women who have dealt with loss, to the women who feel the raw emotions that I feel, I am sorry. I am so very truly sorry for your loss and I wish that we never had to feel such pain and heart ache that we will live with forever.

Angels

Like I have written before, every night as I lay Samantha to bed, I tell her that Jack and Dziadzio are watching over her. Well, the other night I said it as usual and she repeated both their names and pointed to the picture of an angel my sister got her that hangs over her crib. What a moment. Not only does my daughter say her brother's name and Grandfather, but she knows that they are her guardian angels. I am in awe of her and I wonder if she sees and hears them. If she does, I hope that lasts forever. 

Return to Zero

The movie, Return to Zero, premiered on Saturday night. What an emotional movie. I cried a lot, of course. But I also laughed and smirked and nodded at so many moments that I could relate to. The comments people would make, the things the actors would say, the feelings the parents would feel, and the experiences they went through. It was so validating to know that I am not alone in the bitterness and sadness and anger. I thought about the movie all of Saturday night while going to bed. I dreamed about it. I watched it again on Sunday with Sean and dreamed about it again last night. It really, really hit me and it really is important to me. I am so glad that I watched and I will watch it again. I hope that all my friends and that people know me watch it at least one day. It really shows a glimpse into the world that Sean and I are part of now.

The birth scene was the hardest. I kicked myself again and again asking myself, "WHY DID YOU NOT DO A NATURAL BIRTH?!?!?" If only I could rewind time.

As the credits rolled, I waited for Jack's name. When it came up, I cried and cried. My baby's memory on screen. My baby's memory part of a movie about stillbirth. My Jack Jack.