I sit on the floor in the hallway staring into Jack's room. I sob. I'm so scared. I beg Jack to watch over his little brother or sister. I beg him to let this baby be ok. I can't do it again. I can't go in the room. I don't know if it's because I don't feel deserving or if I don't want to cry in that room anymore. I want it to become a baby's room again and not a place for me to go to cry. Sean finds me. He hugs me and asks if something triggered this. No. Maybe it's just hitting me that I'm actually pregnant. Is Jack mad at me? Why would he be mad? Sean asks. Because its so soon. No, Sean says. If anything, he is the one who let this happen for us. It's an addition, not a replacement. Sean's words. Sean picks me up, physically and emotionally and takes me to our room. My face is a mess and my nose is stuffed. Jack, please give me comfort and watch over this baby.
Now to relax and try to calm down. I try to remind myself not to put stress on this baby.
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