There is that freak out again

I couldn't find the heart beat right away with the Doppler. I wish I was I could be that naive, innocent pregnant lady who has a Doppler because it's fun and cool to hear baby's heart beat. Instead, I am doing it to make sure the baby inside of me is even alive.

Opening up

It's hard for me to express feelings. That's one of the main reasons I have a blog. It's one of the main reasons I would rather be on an online support group instead of one in person. It's why I would rather text or email my feelings to someone instead of saying it in person. It's hard for me to come right out and tell someone how I feel on a day to day basis about Jack. And sometimes, when I do, I get told the wrong things or hurt more. I'm fragile especially in this situation. How do I even know people want to hear about it? I'm pregnant and scared. Ask me questions, I'll answer. But having people say wrong things or not knowing if they even want to hear about draws me away.

The outcome

Rocky Lake was a good time. All the kids made me wish Jack was there though. A baby crying especially put a pain in my heart. I just hate that Sean and I can't teach Jack things and spend time with him there which we looked forward to so much.
I got to sit at the dock and "spend time" with Jack. I'm glad he will forever be a part of that lake. Every time we go there, I will at least feel that he's more with us.

Weekend

We are off to Rocky Lake this weekend. Haven't been there since new years which is when we spread Jack's ashes in the lake. It will be nice to say hi to him there. But it would be a lot nicer if he was here with me. There will be quite a few kids there this weekend. Hope I can handle it. I might have to take some moments. Wish me luck....

Happiness

Being happy is a strange thing to me. I was let down so hard, I didn't know I would ever feel happiness again. Do I allow myself to be happy even? If I do, I'm scared of getting let down again

Goodnight Jack day 139

I am missing you a lot these days, Jack. I wish so badly that you were here. I would have taken you outside today and showed you off. Pretty days make me miss you so much.
Goodnight, my prince. I love you. And I miss you. I think of you so much.

To continue...

I'm sitting at home. It's a holiday. People are out and about. I am on my computer at my dining room table. Through the window I hear a baby cry as his mother walks him by. Pain sears over me and the tears won't stop. That should be Jack.....

Weather

Sunny days really do hurt the most. I was driving home from seeing my parents with my windows down and music playing. That used to put me in a good mood. Now it's just sad. It made me cry. Days like today, beautiful days like today, just make me miss Jack even more. I see women jogging with strollers, couples walking their babies, and people playing with their kids. I will never have that with Jack. I'm so sad today...

A funk

Feeling rather low today. I'm trying to look forward but all I do is think of what could have been. Or how things might be. I look into Jack's room and see it empty and just wish that he was here. But then I think of how a new baby might be in there in about 6 months and wonder when I should move my shrine to Jack. All I want is for Jack to be here. I wish that wasn't too much to ask. I would also like time to fast forward so I know if this baby will be coming home with us or not.

Sex of the baby

A month from tomorrow we will find out if we are having a boy or girl. Oh to be a naive, excited pregnant mother. First I'm scared that I will get too attached when I find out what it is. I'm scared to get attached. Second, will it be easier if it's a girl since Jack was a boy? Or will we want a boy since we lost the boy we wanted so desperately. I obviously just want a healthy baby that is ALIVE that I can bring home to love. But it's just one more step in this pregnancy that makes it that much harder.

There is that question again....

Now that I am showing more, strangers ask me if it's my first baby. I answer, no its my second but I lost my first. Do I care if they are surprised or taken aback by my answer? Nope. I'll be damned if I don't tell the world that Jack is my son.

Worry

What worries me is when an hour goes by, and I realize, I didn't think of Jack. It scares me. Will I just stop thinking of him? I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant or what. But then I have reminders of him. Even people posting pictures of their babies makes me wonder what he would be like today. But there are moments that pass and I realize that he didn't cross my mind. I will love Jack forever and ever. I have hope that I will see him again. I just want him to know he is loved and thought of.

Goodnight Jack, day 132

I miss you so much. My heart aches just as it did 132 days ago. I still think I'm in a nightmare and this really didn't happen. I'm still going to meet you. I'm still going to hold you. I'm still going to bring you home and have you alive. But sadly, it actually happened. It happened to us.
I love you, Jack. Goodnight. Sweet dreams. Thinking of you. Always.

What I want

I wish I could be naive and happy go lucky about this pregnancy. I AM happy. I AM relieved. But I don't want to be scared and worried all the time. I know this baby deserves as much love and attention as Jack got, but I'm so scared to get attached. I only hope Jack is watching and making sure everything will be ok. I look back on the dream I had and think about Jack leading his little sister around. I hope that means that he's watching and making sure she (or he) will be ok. Please, baby, stick and be our rainbow baby.

Freak out

So I had my first freak out. I used the Doppler this morning and couldn't find baby's heartbeat. Looking back, I probably could have tried a bit longer. But as a woman who experienced a still born, I freaked out. I started to cry and imagine the worst. I called my doctor's office and rushed in so I could have an ultrasound done. As soon as I saw the screen, I didn't see a flicker. My heart stopped. Then the lady turned the sound on and the beautiful sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Years began to fall. I cried with such relief. I met with my doctor and apologized. He understood and told me to do it any time.
I hate that this is my life. I hate that I'm so scared. I can't be happy. I thought it was over. I thought I jinxed it by telling people I was pregnant.
But baby is ok... For now.

Goodnight Jack day 127

Goodnight, my sweet prince. I ask you to watch over me and your father and your little brother or sister. Make sure that we are ok and can grow as your family. You are forever in our hearts, our son. Nothing, no one will ever replace you.
Goodnight. I love you.

Emotions

When will I stop checking the toilet paper for any spotting?
How will I react when I start feeling this baby move?
Every weird feeling I get in my stomach freaks me out. Every time I can't find the heartbeat on the Doppler right away, I get nervous.
I noticed that I started touching my belly. I am happy to be pregnant. I am relieved that I don't have to worry about infertility. I feel love for this baby. He or she deserves it just as much as Jack did.
Fear + happiness = one crazy, hormonal pregnant girl.

So scared

I sit on the floor in the hallway staring into Jack's room. I sob. I'm so scared. I beg Jack to watch over his little brother or sister. I beg him to let this baby be ok. I can't do it again. I can't go in the room. I don't know if it's because I don't feel deserving or if I don't want to cry in that room anymore. I want it to become a baby's room again and not a place for me to go to cry. Sean finds me. He hugs me and asks if something triggered this. No. Maybe it's just hitting me that I'm actually pregnant. Is Jack mad at me? Why would he be mad? Sean asks. Because its so soon. No, Sean says. If anything, he is the one who let this happen for us. It's an addition, not a replacement. Sean's words. Sean picks me up, physically and emotionally and takes me to our room. My face is a mess and my nose is stuffed. Jack, please give me comfort and watch over this baby.
Now to relax and try to calm down. I try to remind myself not to put stress on this baby.

So here it is...

I'm putting it on the internet.... (only here though)
I'm pregnant.

I'm scared, I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm relieved, I'm happy, I'm freaking out,... I can go on and on. This baby will never, ever replace Jack. This baby will be Jack's little brother or sister and I can only hope that Jack watches over him or her to protect them from something happening to them.
Sean and I are both skeptical. Will this be our take home baby? Will we have a baby that is actually in our arms, crying? All I have been waiting for is a miscarriage. But I'm trying my hardest to stay positive and remind myself that this pregnancy is not the pregnancy I had with Jack. This is another, seperate baby. And I can only hope that the universe will not be cruel to us and take this baby away as well.

I hope that Jack knows that this baby is not going to take his place. He is forever and ever our first son.

Four

I want to scream. I want to rip out my broken heart from my chest. It hurts. A lot. The anniversary days are hard. As time goes by it gets harder. Does Jack know I still think of him? Does he think I'm moving on? The tears come a lot. I need to catch my breath. Why? Why? That question never leaves my mind.
I am in bed. I don't want anything or anyone. All I want is Jack.

4 months

It's been four months since we said good bye. I can't believe it. I still haven't woken up from this nightmare. It's been the worst 4 months of my life. What would you look like today? What would you act like today? I miss you, Jack. 4 months. Worst time of my life .

Goodnight, Jack day 121

All there is tonight....

I love you and I miss you and I dream about you.

Goodnight, my sweet prince.

Hard day

Tears are coming easily today. Thoughts of Jack are constant. I hate the universe for doing this to us. Did we break too many mirrors? Or have black cats cross out paths? Why is our life so unfair??? I just want my Jack in my arms.

Dream

I had a dream last night that Jack was alive. He was about 5 or 6 years old and he had a little sister who was about 2 or 3. He was walking around our house holding her hand, leading her around. He was being such a great big brother. It was such a nice, happy dream. Then I woke up, and I was very sad.

Blues Clues

I know it sounds bad to associate TV with kids, but I guess it's a part of my life. There are so many kids shows that I have imagined watching with Jack. I played Blues Clues for the kindergarten class today. Oh how I wish I could cuddle up with Jack in my bed or on my couch and just watch tv with him. It's the little things like that. It makes me sad.