Future babies

I still wonder if I will be able to get pregnant again. Sean is happy with Samantha and as of now, does not want any more children. Who knows if that will change. I know once Sam is walking and able to follow him around, I will be left in the dust. He will take her under his wing. I want another baby. I want to be pregnant again and give birth to another child that I can love just as much as I love Jack and Samantha. It's the most amazing feeling in the world and if I could do it ten moretimes, I would. Question of the day, however, is will I be able to get pregnant again? And next question is will I be able to carry baby to full term and actually give birth? It would be amazing if it is possible. I would also love to be able to give birth without having to do a C-section. I regret choosing to have one every single day. Why didn't I give birth to Jack how he deserved? The way I always wanted to.

More hard days

My hard days when I think about Jack are the worst. The pain that I feel in my heart and in the pit of my stomach can not be compared to any other feeling. I watch shows (Downton Abbey, Grey's Anatomy, etc) and the thought of losing a child, the fear I felt during my pregnancy with Sam, the sadness are all constantly reminded. The pain is nothing I can compare anything to. But now, not only do I deal with the sadness of my loss of Jack and I have my bad days thinking about him, I also have the days when I am thinking of my father and how much I wish he was here still. I look at Samantha and think of him. I wish I could take her to him so he could see her smile and hear her laugh. I have such underlying guilt, regret, and demons due to thoughts I had before my father passed away. All the times my father asked me to take him somewhere and I said no mostly because I didn't feel like it or because I thought I was "too pregnant" for the heat. All the times I was frustrated by him and his stubornness I regret. All the times I could have visited and sat with him when instead, I chose to do something else. I took my father for granted. I wish I could do things differently. And I wish so badly he was able to see Samantha now. Just at this time. If he could have lived just a little bit longer....

Hard Day

Today is a hard day. I don't know where it came from. I have had tears on days and I've continued to feel the heart ache, but today is just a hard day. The question of why keeps coming up in my head and I'm missing Jack today a lot.

Dearest Jack,

Sweet child of mine. You were taken from me before I was taken. It should have been me. Not you. I wish I could have held you longer. I wish I could have comforted you. I am so sorry if you felt any pain. I am sorry if it was my fault. Did you meet Samantha before she came to us? Thank you for watching over her and being there to see that everything was ok. Is Dziadzo with you? Isn't he amazing? I hope you can hold his hand and get to know him. Is Carlo with you? Tell him his mother talks about him all the time and misses him so much. Will I get to see you again some day? I want to hold you and see you smile. I want to hear you and see your eyes open. I hope to see you on the other side.

I love you. Forever and always.

Mama

Work

I don't consider what I do work. I get to be Samantha all day and I get to play with my friend's baby Nathan as well. However, it can get hard at times. Not only because it's two babies only 4 months apart, but because Nathan is a boy. No he's not Jack's age and he doesn't remind me of him. But when I feed him, or dress him, or change his diaper, how can my thoughts not to turn to Jack? I watch him play with Samantha and I think of Jack sometimes. I wish so badly he could be here and be the big brother to her he is supposed to be. I want my son. I want my son here. I still close my eyes shut and wish really hard that all that did not really happen and that I am still pregnant with my son. But I open my eyes, and I see Samantha. It's so hard.

Baptism

Samantha was baptized yesterday. The ceremony was beautiful, the reception was very nice (and delicious), and Samantha was amazing. Everyone commented on how beautiful she is and how good she is. Even the deacon who performed the baptism kept making comments about how pretty she is and how good she was during the ceremony. I could not be happier with my daughter. She truly is amazing. However, there were the moments when my eyes welled up with tears. As we stood around the basin, I was reminded that my sister, my parents, my in laws, and my aunt and uncle stood there about a year ago blessing Jack. I held onto my necklace letting Jack know he is not forgotten and that I wish so badly I could have had this experience with him too. And of course there were the moments when I wished that my father was there. My sister said he was definitely there in spirit and he can be seen through Sam's eyes. But I do wish he was really there to see how amazing Samantha is. I know he would be so proud.

I definitely like to think that Papa and Jack are watching over her. I hope they will be her guardian angels and keep her safe.

God and stuff

Sunday is Samantha's baptism. My views on God and other religious things have changed quite drastically since losing Jack. Sean and I both have asked ourselves how could God do this to us,  to an innocent baby, to everyone that was involved? When it happened, we both questioned God's existance. We couldn't handle a church service or a funeral, but our family wanted one. Jack was not baptised at the hospital because the priest said they don't do that for dead babies. Ouch, that hurt. Instead, his ashes were blessed at the church. My sister was there. Jack's godmother. And now, on Sunday, we are baptising our daughter. Yet another thing that I pictured doing with my son. Yet another thing that I will take part in with my beautiful daughter and I will be torn between happiness and sadness.

Birthday

This is one of the birthday posts I got today on Facebook:
               HAPPY 1st MOMMY BDAY!!!!

No it's not my first birthday as a mommy. Last year, I had to celebrate as a mother who lost her son, but I was still a mommy. It hurts me when people say things like that. When I hear things like that, I feel like Jack meant nothing to them. They don't consider him my son. They may not know me as well or realize how important Jack is to me, but it still is heart breaking.