Group Angel

Everyone has issues and problems in life. Everyone goes through problems with friends, significant others, or family, surgeries, heartbreak, loss, or whatever else. And a lot of these people are friends of mine, and hey, even me. I would like to think that when a friend or a family member sees a butterfly fly by during these hard times, they realize that my little Jack is watching over them. My Jack Jack is watching over us as we go through life and go through the times in our lives when we are most confused or most hurt or in most need of a guardian angel. I know Jack is watching over Sean and me and of course Samantha. I felt Jack with us in the room when we delivered Samantha. And I know he will be watching over his little sister for the rest of her life. He will always make sure she is ok. Every time she sees a butterfly, I will let her know that her angel brother is there for her. But not only do I feel like he's there for his parents and sister, I feel like he is there for all those in my life that are special to us. The people who have been there for us. The people that loved him like we did even though they didn't get to meet him. The people that cried for his loss just like we did. The people who's heart broke because they were not able to see and hold such an amazingly beautiful baby boy. So to those of you, and I know you know who you are, that see that butterfly or feel that little extra sunshine, please know that Jack is there for you. When I know you need it most, I ask my beautiful angel baby to watch over you. Every night when I lay Samantha to bed, I tell Jack to watch over her and I say goodnight to both my children. Jack will always be the beautiful guardian angel that is watching over us that most people can only dream of. And Sean and I (and some other friends and family) got to actually meet and touch that angel. I feel so honored to say that.  Thank you for coming into our lives, Jack. And please watch over us. I love you.

When?????

Ugh!! Samantha still has not adjusted to daycare. She still cries when I drop her off and when I pick her up, she's crying as she is brought to the door. Yes, the lady says she does well. She plays well with the other kids, she doesn't cry all day, and she says she is a very good baby. But why is it still so hard??? I thought Samantha would adjust faster. I thought by now, I would be able to drop her off and she would go to daycare easily. Nope... She still wants her mommy. It's more painful than I ever thought it would be. I just can't wait for her to be used to it and know that I will always come back for her. When that happens, it will be easier on everyone! 

And so it begins....

Soooo Samantha is sick. LOL. Yes, after only a few days in daycare, my daughter had a fever and now has a cold. Maybe it was from her birthday party or from my friends' kids who are sick, but I HATE seeing her like this. All she wants is me, she sounds terrible, and she is so cranky. I know, I know, it's first of MANY colds to come, but it's still heartbreaking. I just want her to be healthy and happy and right now she is complete opposite. She's still the amazing Samantha who will push through and give us a smile or a kiss, but I can see (and hear) she is suffering.
She still has not adjusted to the daycare. She still cries when I drop her off. However, the lady says that she is doing very well and plays well with the kids. That makes me happy. I just can't wait to be able to drop her off without her breaking my heart with her cries for "Mama".

It's so funny how I used to even roll my eyes at my friends and family who were moms complaining about dropping kids off at daycare or school. I thought to myself, "I won't be like that". I thought that it would be easy. I thought since it's good for them, I would be ok with it. Ohhhhh was that the farthest from the truth. It's so, so hard. It breaks my heart everyday. I hate seeing her cry. And I hate not being with her every second of everyday. But I know it's best for her. I know she needs it. And I know I need it too.

So to all you mothers out there who haven't dropped your baby off yet, it's hard. It's freaking hard! But just remember, it's harder on you than on them!

Daycare

This morning, at 8:30 AM, I dropped Samantha off at daycare for the first time. Yes, I have been through a lot in the past few years. I have seen hell. I have experienced death and heart ache. Yet, today was hard on me. Very, very hard. My baby girl is one year old and it's time for her to be separated from mommy for a few hours a day. And it's time for her to socialize with other children and learn to share. But leaving her there was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Samantha is at my leg asking to be picked up. She is not in my ear saying "mama". She is not completely dependent on ME today. I miss her a lot. I miss having her follow me around. I miss watching her play. I miss hearing her voice. I miss being able to hug and kiss her whenever I want to. And I am watching the clock constantly. I can not wait to pick her up!!! And yet, this is the first of many times that I will cringe and cry because I realize that my baby girl is growing up. It's the first of many times that she will not be with me constantly. And it's the first of many times that I will be leaving her at daycare or at school.

Time to have another one they say. In a perfect world, that would be the situation. I would have 10 if I could. Money is an issue. If you didn't realize, babies and kids cost money. And of course, the main concern... Can Sean and I even have anymore kids? Maybe one day. Maybe in the future. Maybe we will have another miracle. But for now, I am enjoying my daughter. I am still learning. I am still focusing everything I have on her.

Let's just hope these daycare days get easier!!!

My birthday girl

Well, the day has come and gone. My daughter has turned one year old. Did she notice when I sang her happy birthday this morning? Did she realize her shirt that she wore all day said "birthday girl"? Nope. Probably not. But I sure did. This has been one hell of a year. It's been amazing. It has taught me so much. It has been filled with so many memories.
Samantha's existence has shown me how important life is. She is the reason why I am alive. She is the reason why I get up in the morning. She is the reason why, even after losing Jack, I had to keep going. 
Having Samantha has caused Sean and me to have fights. Having Samantha has taken away from our alone times. But most importantly, our daughter has taught us to love each other more because of the love we have for her. We know that we need to be ok and to be strong in our love for her. We know that we have to set an example for her.

It's been an amazing year and I know we have many, many more to come. And I have learned that I need to cherish every moment of everyday of every week. I can't wait to see all her new developments and firsts. I can't wait to do more with her. I can't wait to see what her personality develops into.

Happy 1st birthday, my beautiful girl. I love you very much.

One Year

Tomorrow, Samantha will be one year old. I can not believe how fast time has gone. I remember hearing parents say, "kids grow up so fast" or "cherish every single moment before it's too late". I never really understood what they meant until now. I would like to think that Sean and I did the most this first year with Samantha. We have tried to make lots of memories with her, we have let her experience many firsts, and we have tried to document everything in her book. I would like to think she had a pretty good first year. She has been boating, she has been airboating, she loves the water, she's been out in the mud, and she's been to France! Today, I will spend the last day of her being less than one with her. These are the last days of her being a baby. The last days before she goes off to daycare. The last days that I can hold her and squeeze her. The last days when she is completely dependent on me.

I remember last year. It seems so far away. I was waiting in anticipation to meet my baby girl. I was afraid of losing her. I was afraid I would give birth to silent baby again. But I am grateful to say that I remember her cries vividly. I cried with joy looking at Sean saying: "she's crying. She's ok!" Then, as I was being sewed back up, I was given my beautiful baby girl to hold. Tears streamed down my face. I never experienced such relief and gratitude and joy and sadness all balled into one great big emotion.
First time I met my baby girl and got to hold her:

I love you, Samantha. I have loved you before I met you and I will love you forever and ever. You are the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. You are a miracle for your father and me. You are our rainbow baby. You are our loving daughter. Thank you for coming into our lives. Thank you for showing us love that we never thought possible. Happy 1st birthday.

Jack's Story

My beautiful boy's story on the Return to Zero blog....

http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/?p=1275

Happy Birthday, Papo

To my dearest father in heaven, I wish a happy birthday. Our first birthday of yours without you with us. I miss you more than you will ever know and more than I ever thought I would. Especially now, because of Samantha. You were an amazing man that everyone loved and said such great things about. While we were in France, people would praise you and your loving spirit. You are missed by so many people. I hope you are in heaven celebrating this day with all our other family members who have passed. I hope you are with your parents who you missed so dearly. I hope you are with all the aunts and uncles that have gone before you. And the friends like Konrad who I know you loved. And finally, I hope you are with Jack and he is able to spend your birthday with you since we are not able to. I love you, Papo. I think of you everyday but I will think of you the most today. I will take Samantha to church today so we can light a candle and pray for you. Sciskam i kocham cie.