Taking Flight

I have flown on a plane many, many times. I have flown more times than I can remember. I have flown to Europe more times than I can remember. But tomorrow, for the first time, I will be flying to Europe with my 11 month old daughter. And you know what? I'm scared sh**less. My anxiety levels are through the roof so much so that I have been losing sleep for the past few days. As I have gotten older, I get more nervous about flying. And now that I am flying with my daughter, I am even more nervous. I know nothing will happen. I know we will be fine. But I could not imagine Sean being left behind. I wish he was coming. Hey, if we are going down, might as well do it together.
All irrational fears put aside, I am just purely scared about Samantha being on the plane as well. Is she going to be THAT baby that cries and cries for the whole flight? Is she going to wiggling and trying to break free of my arms and lap? Hopefully all the research on Pinterest and other blogs will help me get through the 9 hour flight. I just want to be there. I just want to skip the flight and be there already.
Fingers crossed that my darling baby girl behaves!!!!! Wish us luck and hope for a safe flight!

Appreciation

As my daughter nears her first birthday (where has the time gone???), I look at her and my life and am learning to appreciate things. Sure, I'm still bitter and negative. Sure, I still think life is unfair and cruel. But there are the things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful for the material things that Sean and I have. We are able to have fun and make memories because we have certain "toys". We get to do stuff that we enjoy to do like boating or riding on four wheelers. I am grateful for the roof over our heads. We may not be homeowners, but I truly feel like the house we live in is our home and I would not mind growing old in this house.
I am grateful for my friends and family. They have been there for me through thick and thin. Tough times call for desperate measures, and I can honestly, truly say that a lot of the people in my life have been there for me through A LOT. I could not imagine how things would have gone if we didn't have certain people in our lives. Having people to count on is something that I hope everyone can say they have. It's a real blessing.
I am grateful for my husband. We have our ups and downs. We have our fights. We have had our doubts. We have gone through the hardest heartbreak that anyone could go through. I can truly say that I don't want to live without him. I could not imagine my life without him; even with the downs. He has seen me at my worst, he has been there for me through everything that I have been through especially recently, and when it comes down to it, I don't know where I would be without him. And he is an amazing father which makes me love him anymore.
I am grateful for Jack. He made me a mom. He made me the mother I am today. He taught me that life is short and that we need to appreciate things and not sweat the small stuff. He taught Sean and I how much we need each other. I am grateful to have a son. I am grateful that I have a picture of him that I can look at everyday. I am grateful that we were able to spread his ashes in a place that Sean and I both love and where we can visit him since we did not bury him. I am grateful that when I saw him, I could say I saw an angel.
I am grateful for my darling baby girl, Samantha. She is the smartest, most beautiful baby. I watch her in awe everyday. As I look at her, I can honestly say that she is why I am meant to be alive today. I am grateful for her ability to make me smile no matter how bad my day is going. I am grateful for her facial expressions and her laugh. I am grateful that I can see my father in her. She is the most extraordinary thing that has happened to Sean and me. She is our miracle and she amazes me every single day.

The days are still hard. I still question my life. And I am still mourning the loss of my son. But there are things in my life that I really do appreciate. All the things and experiences that I have had and still have in my life teach me that. I will never be the same because of losing Jack, but I still do appreciate the important things in my life.

Can I just add....

Look how beautiful my babies are. I just sat and stared at these two pictures side by side for a good 15 minutes. I compared their lips, their noses, their eyes. Each of them so beautiful in their own way. Ugh, I want to SCREAM so loud: "WHY DIDN'T SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BOY MAKE IT IN THIS WORLD??" How is that fair? I am so proud to say that each of my babies is the most beautiful and precious I have ever seen.

A letter to heaven

My dearest Jack,

How are things up in heaven? I hope you and Dziadzo are together and he is holding you. Did he tell you how much I miss you? Did he tell you how amazing your sister is?

I just wanted to let you know how much you are missed and I wanted to let you know that I think of you all the time. Your name and your face never escape my mind or heart. People have moved on and don't mention your name as much anymore, but no matter how much time passes, your mommy will always be thinking of you. Even if I don't say your name or talk about you, I still have you on my mind and in my heart. You have changed my life forever. You were the most amazing thing that could have happened to me. And I want you to always remember that.

I wonder what you look like. I wonder how you would have developed. Do you see that your sister is already walking? Can you believe she is going to be one in a month? Time has gone by so fast. And I'm so scared the time is taking you further away from me. People may expect me to be over you already, but that's not true. I am still mourning you, my prince. You will ALWAYS be on my mind. Whether it's 2 years, 10 years, or 30 years. I will always wonder what you would be doing, what you would be like, and why you are not with us.

I love you, Jack. I hope you can see us. I hope you are actually watching over us. And I do hope I get to see you again someday.

Love,
Mommy

Life

People go through life with so many ups and downs. There are so many phases that we have to go through. I have been through hell and I feel like I'm still there. I try so hard to at least attempt to move on or get my mind off what we have been through, but it just doesn't seem to work. And it seems to take a toll on my life, my relationships, my outlook on things, and just everything in general. I have to learn to accept that losing Jack has forever changed me and everything to do with my life. I will never be the same person with the same values or the same beliefs. I will never be truly happy. And when I ever do feel an ounce of freedom from the pure sadness, something triggers me back to Jack. Samantha has brought me pure joy and bliss. She has comforted me more than she even knows. I could not imagine my life without her. I could not imagine what I would be like. Thank you, Samantha. Thank you. I don't know where I would be without you.

Alternate universe

I imagine a world if Jack had made it. He would be almost two now. He would be running around the house. I would have had him in daycare by now and had some sort of job. Jack would probably be saying some sort of words. There would be pictures of Jack all around the house. We would be filled with joy and love. We would still be naively happy and oblivious to the infant loss world. Sean would have a son to take under his wing. He would be showing him things in the garage. He would be taking him fishing and the other many activities that he wanted to do with his son. Maybe we would be considering another baby by now. 

There would be no tree planted in our front yard in Jack's memory. Our hearts would not have had been broken. We wouldn't be so bitter or angry with life. There would be no shelf in the living room with a dead baby's picture and an urn. There would be no tears of constant sadness on a day to day basis. But there would be no Samantha....

Dreary Day.

The sky is grey and the rain is falling. Samantha and I are spending the day indoors. I look at your picture and wish you were here with us. I wish you were sitting on the rug with her and playing with her. I wish I could see you two side by side. I would love to see you be the big brother to her that you should be. Instead, you are her guardian angel. On rainy days like today, I get sad. Sadder than usual. My heart hurts, my eyes fill with tears, and my throat tightens up. I hope you are looking down at us and know that we miss you every single day. I hope you are looking down at us and feel the love that we have for you. Please, please, please realize that we never forgot you and never will forget you. You brought so much joy and love into our lives and when you were taken so soon, our hearts broke and they will never be repaired. We became a stronger family because of you. Your father and I fell more in love because of you. We appreciate life and family so much more because of you. We are so much more grateful for your sister because of you. Thank you, my son, for all that you have done for us. And I hope that you do realize how much you have done and that we are grateful. You are ALWAYS in our hearts and on our minds. You are and forever will be our first baby. Our son. I love you, Jack. I miss you, Jack.