Beautiful love

This is what I stare at every morning.

I can't explain the feeling I get when I look at her. Tears of joy fill my eyes as my heart grows because my love for her is so big that it takes up so much space. I have loved anything or anyone so much. I can stare at her for hours. And then of course, my mind moves to Jack. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty that he's not here and I can't do this to him and I am not saying those words about him. The tears of joy are taken over by tears of sadness.

Rainbow

"Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Weekend away

We took our weekend trip to Rocky Lake. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect, and the scenery was amazing for pictures. Only thing missing was Jack. These are the moments I dreaded. As I stood among the flowers with my husband and my daughter, all I could think about was my necklace and how I wish Jack was with us instead of around my neck. It saddens me to know that he won't be part of these moments and I will dread each picture we take without him.
We lit lanterns in his memory over the lake. It was beautiful. All our friends were there. Our amazing friends who help us celebrate our son. I don't know where we would be without them. And I thank the stars every night for our support system.

Trips

This weekend with be Samantha's first trip to rocky lake. I've looked forward to this moment for a while. First, I couldn't wait for Jack to go up there. I wanted to spend time with us there, be in pictures, learn things from his dad, and make memories with us. Instead, we had to spread his ashes up there. It's not fair. Now, I have been waiting to take Sam up there so she can make memories with us and so she can see where we put her brother to rest. I wish Jack was with us. We should be a family of 4 going up there....

Driving

The weather is gorgeous. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, and there is barely any humidity. It's beautiful out. I drive with the windows down and the music nice and loud. Samantha is in the backseat "talking". These are the moments I pictured with Jack. These are the moments I looked forward to. The weather is getting so nice and that all we want to do is be outside. Samantha is with me all the time. I love walking her in this weather. I love sitting outside with her. I can't wait to take her away this weekend. But through all this beauty and smiling, Jack is missing. He is always in my mind and in my heart. I can't help but think, he should be here. But I am so happy that Sam is here. It's just bittersweet....

Crash!

My life has become one hell of an emotional roller coaster. Things are down (infertility), things go up (free IVF and getting pregnant), things go WAY down (loss of Jack), things go up (getting pregnant), things go even more up (giving birth to Samantha), things go down (losing my father), things go up and level out (having and being able to spend time with my Samantha). I am just waiting for the next emotional turn. Which way will it go? Up or down? Maybe it was because I was sick or because I flew to NYC for a night, but I am EXHAUSTED! This roller coaster ride is finally catching up to me and I am ready for a break. I feel like I have hit a low and I am so tired and emotionally drained. I want to sit with Samantha in my lap and Sean by my side and just watch the world go by. I just want things to level out and stay this way for a while. Sure I have the stresses of life like finances, getting a job, etc, but I just don't want any major problems. Is that too much to ask? I am just so, so tired and I have finally crashed from this hell ride.
Next weekend we are going to Rocky Lake and I am so looking forward to that getaway!

Without you

I am on my way back from NYC. I was there for a service for my father. It was emotional and very nice day filled with friends and family and kind words and hugs and tears. I can't remember who or how many people came up to me about it, but more than one person came up to me saying how when they spoke to my father, all he could do was rave about Samantha and how happy he was. Tears flow as I hear this news. It's not new news but hearing it from people I don't talk to normally made it amazing news. My father being able to meet Samantha is something that I cherish, something that I am so grateful for, and something I will remind her about as much as possible. I am so glad I have pictures of those moments. He was able to meet his granddaughter and now he is taking care of his grandson.

Capture Your Grief

I am taking part in the capture your grief from CarlyMarie Project Heal. Many women are taking part because it's pregnancy and infant awareness month. So I get to see other women's photos on their blogs, through the bump, and on instagram. October of course for me is not only important for that reason, but it's also the month we lost Jack, the month of his due date, and the many other things we did in his memory. October will never be the same for me. But it's nice to do something like capture your grief. I get to think of Jack everyday and share photos and feelings with others. I am sharing them on instagram.

Comparison of grief

Losing Jack was the worst thing ever. I don't think I will ever feel a pain like that again. Or at least I hope I don't. My aunt said to me the other day that when my sister called her the day I lost Jack, she had never heard so much hurt and anguish in any one's voice like she did in mine. It was a heart wrenching pain that I can not even begin to describe in words. And now that my father has passed, I am dealing with grief again. It's just a little different. I don't feel the same kind of pain and heart ache. Instead, I feel more sadness and I miss him so much. Sad. That's the best word to describe it. Painful was the word for losing Jack. I truly just miss my father. I guess I can't say that miss Jack because I never actually met him. But with my father, I miss his smile, I miss his voice, I miss his jokes and stories, I miss his kindness, I miss his smell, I miss his hands, I miss the way he'd tell me he loves me. I spent today with my mother for her birthday and I wish so badly that he could have been there. Jack and my father will always be missing in family gatherings. Again, I have to keep asking the question of "now what?". Will I have to grieve again in the near future? I am kind of sick of heart break....

Ouch...

This time from Publix

Cuddles

Most mornings, after Samantha wakes up all smiles, I take her into my bed to feed her and we just lie and cuddle together. I love seeing her smile in the mornings. She wakes up in such a good mood. She eats her "breakfast" and then is so happy to cuddle with me. It makes me happy. But then my mind wanders and all I can think about is how I wish Jack could cuddle with us. I imagine a one year old in bed with us laughing and smiling. It pains me to know that throughout our future we will never be able to hold our son. Ever.

Please don't forget

As the year has passed, I can only hope that people have not forgotten about Jack. Is that too much to ask? Do people think and assume that I am over him and his loss? That I don't need them anymore? I can only appreciate those that are still there for me and that will be there for me when I am celebrating his 5th birthday in heaven or even his 20th. Why is it that when the worst things happen to us, it is only then that we realize who really can be the ones there and the ones to be counted on? Maybe it is through these times that we become selfish and expect support that people can not offer. Do we punish them for that? I can only try my hardest to hold my head high and focus on the positive in my life. I need to finally learn to just count on the people that I know will be there instead of those that I hope will be but I know won't. I need to stop having false hope. The only hope that I can have is that everyone, even those who are not always there, will remember Jack. Remember him as my son. Remember that he does exist. Remember that we do have a son. Remember that Samantha does have a brother. No matter what and no matter who comes and goes in our lives, I will make sure that Jack's memory lives on.

For your first birthday

Dearest Jack,
It's been one year since we said good bye. We can't believe how fast the time has gone. Since losing you, we have been blessed with your little sister. Thank you for watching over us and her. We think of you every single day.
We went and spent a family day doing things that you would have enjoyed so much. The only thing missing was you. I really hope that you are able to watch us from where ever you are and know that you will always be a part of this family. We set a lantern off in memory of you.Your father and I watched it as it sailed into the sky. All I can think about was how I wish you were here and that you could be with us. We want you to be here and celebrate your life, not your memory. But your memory will always live on and we will celebrate it forever.

We love you, Jack.

One Year

One year ago today, I had the worst day of my life. I lost my son. I lost the son that had grown inside me for 38 weeks. The son I was so ready and excited to meet. The son that made Sean and me so happy. We lost our boy for reasons we will never know. It was not "not meant to be". It was not "not someone's plan". It was purely tragic and sad. We had to hold him at 9:15 PM as a sleeping baby. He did not cry out and scream for his mother. He did not shiver in the cold room. Sean did not get to cut his cord. I did not get see his eyes open. Instead, we held our dead son in our arms for a few minutes and said our good byes.
Our son is turning one today and we don't get to celebrate. We don't get to throw him a birthday party and hug him on this special day. Instead, the mourning continues and the grief strikes us all over again. A year's time made no difference in my broken heart. It is just as strong. It is just as powerful. I am just as sad.
Sean, Samantha, and I will be spending the day together. We are a family. The four of us. I just wish that our son was here so that he could spend it with us.

Happy 1st birthday in heaven, my sweet angel prince. We miss you, Jack. More than ever.....

Scary moments

Samantha was in the hospital this past weekend. She had a fever and it turned out to be nothing serious. However, she went through every possible test that there is. Blood test via IV, urine test via a catheter, spinal tap, chest x ray. My poor baby girl was tortured and I had to sit there and watch. I knew deep down that she was ok but I was scared. Scared to lose her. Scared that she would be sick. Scared that she was hurting. I hated watching her go through all that. I just kept asking my father and Jack to watch over her.