Things

I'm visiting my mother. I want her to continue to see me and see Samantha. I want to continue to spend time with her. Even if it is just sitting next to her, words being exchanged or not. I look around he room and I see my dad's things. I see his Toms shoes, his clothes, and many other things. How sad. How very sad. I miss him and I still can't believe he's gone. I know it's better that my mother doesn't understand that her darling husband is no longer with us. But at the same time, I think it's sad that she can't grieve. I don't know. It's all so difficult.

Funeral Home

My sister asked me to go to the funeral home today for the last minute paperwork, the payment, and the picking of the urn. I wanted to be there. My sister asked me to be there. I would not let her go alone. However, sitting in that room, surrounded by coffins and urns, my mind went to Jack right away. Almost a year ago, my friends were at the same funeral home helping me pick an urn for my dead son. Now I was in there picking out one for my father. Almost a year later.... This October, I get to "celebrate" Jack's first birthday in heaven. This October, I get to go to New York and be there for a memorial service for my father on the same day as Jack's due date. On the same day we planted his tree. And on the same day we released butterflies for him. This year has been one hell of a ride. Yes, there were a few ups; one HUGE up, my precious baby girl. But all the downs are what kill me. I feel like I am being punched over and over and over again. But I am trying my hardest to keep getting back up. And now, I have to. For Samantha.

Days

As the days pass, it still has not hit me that my father is gone. As I saw him in the room after he was gone, I kept thinking he'd move or I'd see him wake up or breathe. It's all a dream. I'm going to go back to that house and he will be there still. Alive.
I regret and feel guilty about a lot of actions, thoughts, and words. I wish I could take back a lot. But I can't. And I know Papa is in a better place. And I know it was his time. But it's still hard. It still hurts. And I still miss him. No matter how expected, it's still hard. I'm so glad he met Sam. But I wish she could have gotten to know him better.

Papa

September 20, 2012 10:30 AM My father passed away. I was there. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. I will never forget that moment. His face, his feel, the rosary in his hand, and that last breath. I whispered about 4 times, "Please go to Jack and say hi" "Please take care of Jack". I hope that there is SOMETHING after this life. I do believe there is, but what if there isn't? I want so badly for my father and Jack to be together. I want to believe that they have met in heaven or where ever and they are together. I hope so much that they are able to spend the rest of eternity with each other and the rest of our deceased family.
My sister was not here. I feel terrible. I wish so badly that she was here. I would have switched with her in a second. She is the one who has been there through thick and thin for my father. She was the one who always by him no matter what. She was the one who flew down at least once a week to make sure he was ok and taken care of. But he waited for me to get there at least. And she was happy that he waited for one of us. I got there at about 10:20 and he was gone by 10:30.
I am grieving. I am very, very sad. I don't know how else to describe how I feel. Yes I am ok. Yes I will survive. But I feel sad and upset and the tears come and go. And I don't want to be alone.

Bunia i Dziado

My mother held Samantha for the first time yesterday. That was a nice moment. She was happy and loving on Sam a lot which made me happy. I just wish they could have more of a relationship but I will take what I can get.
I take Samantha over there as much as possible now with how my dad's condition is. He notices her sometimes but other times he is too out of it to notice we are even there. I want to tell him to watch over Jack and say hi to him from me when the time comes, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I guess I don't have to say it out loud. But I am hoping, if there is a next step after death, Jack will have his Dziado with him and they will be together.

Grandparents

I dropped Samantha off at Sean's mother's house today. Reason why? My father, Sam's grandfather, is still in the hospital. I was a little sad dropping her off. I only think and wish that I could take her to MY mother and have MY mother watch her. I wish my mother knew who her granddaughter is and I wish she could spend the time with her that I know she would have wanted to. My mom always loved kids. She always said how much she looked forward to having grandkids. And now she has one, and she can't enjoy it. Ok, she can enjoy it, but she doesn't know what she is enjoying. She has yet to hold her granddaughter. It hurts. It does, but it's just something that I've accepted. I just wish Samantha could meet my mother as the woman I remember. And I just wish my mother could spend time with Samantha in a way that she would truly remember and cherish.

What next?

That's a thought that comes to mind since losing Jack. I'm scared of what else could happen. While I was pregnant with Sam, I thought the next bad thing to happen would be losing her too. I also am scared of losing other loved ones. When Sean isn't around, I'm scared he will be taken from me. I can't sleep well without him by my side. Now that Sam is here, I wake up at night making sure she is still alive and I wake up every morning grateful that she is still breathing. We lost our son. What is the next bad thing to happen to us?

Father

Another visit to the ER for my father. The caretaker took him there and I just came back from checking in on him and having him see a familiar face. He looked worse than last time he was in the hospital. The sunken cheeks, the sad face, and the confusion just made tears well up in my eyes. I came home and gave Samantha many kisses and told her how much her dziadzo loves her and how much I hope she gets to spend lots more time with him.
Now I just wait to hear updates on what's going on.....

11 months

Tomorrow is 11 months since we lost our baby boy. I can't believe it. I'm dreading it. Thinking of it just makes me cry. My baby girl will be there to comfort me and see me through the dark day, but Jack will be missing. Jack will always be missing. I can not believe that he would have been 11 months tomorrow. Time has gone by way too fast. How will I feel when the 10th year comes? Or the 18th? He is so loved and so cherished. So why did he have to be taken away? To this day, and forever, I will ask myself that question. I look a Sam, and think of her brother. I think how it would be if he was here. I think how he SHOULD be here. It's so unfair. 11 months. I am dreading next month....................

Children

For the first time today in a long time, I spent a day with a bunch of children and I wasn't afraid. I didn't feel tears in my eyes and my arms weren't empty. Did I think of Jack? Of course. I wished he was there and I wish he could be with me all the time. But holding Sam and watching children play, I could only look to the future I have with my baby girl and I can't wait. Things will always go back to Jack but the happiness I feel with Sam is amazing.