As I watch her sleep...

I put Samantha in her crib tonight. She got a bath tonight, she stated at me as I put her pajamas on, and Sean swaddled her up. I turned on the mobile and stood over her as she watched the mobile move. I love her more than words can ever describe. I can stare at her and hold her all day. I tear up just thinking about how much I love her. But as I watched her, my thoughts go back to Jack. I wonder what he would be like. Would he have been an easy baby? Would he have been like her? What would his cry sound like? Would he eat a lot? Would he like to be swaddled like his sister does? I just wonder what kind of baby my angel would have been like. I miss him...

The Journey

I didn't post this on here. I wanted to share it. Plus I like to watch it and haven't in a while. ;-)

Ouch

Received this in the mail the other day:

My Jack Jack would be turning one soon. I would be planning some sort of party for him. I would be chasing him around the house watching him laugh and learn new things everyday. I can't believe it's been almost a year. It KILLS me to think about it. I hold my necklace when I seek comfort and I look at his picture when I need reassurance. I tell Samantha everyday that her big brother is her guardian angel. I do truly believe that he is watching over us and that he is protecting his family. I just wish that he was with us instead.

Fear

As the days pass, the new fears continue to unfold. When she coughs, I get scared. When she goes to bed, I hope and pray that she will be breathing when I wake up. I'm scared she will choke on her own spit up. I'm scared that she will roll over and get stuck in the bars of the crib. So many fears, so little room in my heart and head. Again, I ask Jack to watch over his sister. He is her guardian angel and I want him to always make sure she is ok. Am I asking too much of him? He's my baby too. He's supposed to be my little boy that I should be worrying about too. Instead, he has the responsibility of looking after his family. I want him to always know that he is our son and Sam's big brother. No matter what. No matter how much time passes. Jack, you are loved. You are missed. And the pain does not go away.

Driving alone

Today is the first time I'm driving alone with Sam. I got to play my song for her. I hope our bond as mother and daughter will stay strong and last forever. I can only hope that we get along how my mother and I did. I can only hope she and I will share many moments together. I love her so much and I have only really known her for almost 2 weeks. I can't wait to share all the experiences with her that are to come.

Took a walk

Sean and I took Sam for a walk around the neighborhood today. I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted to do that with Jack. How many times I imagined doing that with him. I love the fact that I can do it with Sam but the missing piece of my Jack will always be gone from my heart. I wish he was with us so he can take part in family activities like that. He will always be missing in pictures, in things we do, and just missing from our lives. I am so grateful to have Jack as our angel but I just wish he was here with us where he belongs.

One Week

Samantha is one week old. The time is already going by too fast. I can't wait to see how she develops but I don't want to waste any of the moments we have with her. I want to cherish every single second.
I've had those baby blues that I guess people warned me about. Nothing major, but tears of fatigue and frustration mostly due to breastfeeding. For some reason or another, I turn to asking Jack for strength. I wish I could hold him and I feel like if that could happen, everything would be ok. I hope he continues to watch over us. His little sister will need him.
Other than that, things are amazing. I am on cloud nine. Sean is the best daddy I could ask for my daughter and being the best, most supportive husband I could ask him to be to me. I feel very lucky about that. :-)

The Big Day

Well, she is here. Samantha Jacklyn is our rainbow, take home baby. She is healthy and alive and I have a living child. Her big brother and angel is watching over us and everything went well. And I have him to thank for that.

On August 8, 2012, Sean and I went to the hospital to check in at 9:30 AM. After checking in, we were sent to the prep room where I was put on an IV and a monitor. We got to listen to Sam's heart beat as we waited. Music to my ears. As I lied there, though, I felt like I was there for some other surgery other than a c-section to give birth to my daughter. Finally, right before noon, we walked to the OR. Sean waited in my recovery area as I went to the room alone. The first sight of the room brought back the memories of my Jack Jack. The aura in the room was definitely a lot different though. The nurses were joking around, music was playing, and my doctor was in much better spirits. I was still a nervous wreck. I laughed at a joke here or there but deep down I just wanted to know that my baby girl would be ok.

Sean was finally allowed to come to the room. He looked nervous. But he was there to hold my hand. The tears were flowing. The nurse asked if they were tears of joy. I said yes but also tears of fear. Both the doctors that were there for Jack were there for Sam. I liked that. After a bit, at 12:30 PM, I finally heard it. I heard Samantha's first cries. My tears got stronger. The thing that I had been waiting for happened. I heard my live daughter crying her eyes out as she came out. I got a quick look and she and Sean were taken from me.

When I finally got to hold her to my chest, I couldn't help but think that Jack was there with us as part of our family. He was watching over us and everything turned out ok. My daughter is alive and healthy.

The recovery room was terrible. Sean came and went as he went to see our daughter. I lied in the bed begging my legs and toes to move so that I could go see my daughter. I was getting updates from Sean and friends of her in the nursery but I just wanted to go to her.

The rest of the day was pretty much a happy blur. My daughter is gorgeous and I was so happy to finally hold her and love her and just give her all my attention. People came and went and the day went by with smiles, tears, and love.

It's her 5th day being in the world, and she's home with us, but it still has not hit me that Sean and I have a daughter. I don't know what it feels like but I just don't feel like I have a child of my own. I don't know when it will hit me. But no matter what, I love her. I love her more than anything in this world. But I still miss Jack. I still miss him more than anything in this world. I wish he was here with us. I wish he was the big brother he is supposed to be. Samantha will know that her big brother is an angel watching over her. Forever.

Here is my little girl:

Tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the day. I am supposed to meet my first live baby, my daughter, my life, my future. I can't believe I'm here. I'm already wearing a hospital bracelet, my bags are packed, the hospital knows I am coming. I had to retell them about how I had a stillborn today after questions of why a c-section and if this is my first baby. They told me all about the procedure, what to expect, what to do, etc. It still has not hit me. I can't believe it's happening tomorrow. I can't believe August 8th, the day I have been waiting for, is finally going to be here tomorrow. I can't believe that there is a possibility that Sean and I will actually have a child. That we will be parents to a live baby. I am a nervous wreck to say the least and I know he is too.
Thank you to all my friends and family and supporters. And thank you for reading. I will post how things go as soon as I can. Keep those fingers crossed please.

Can't picture it

4 days to go. I can't believe it. I'm hoping the rest of the days go by fast but I doubt they will. I still can't picture Sean and me holding a live baby. It just doesn't come to mind. Sean says he feels she will be coming home with us. I just feel like it'll all come to a sudden end again. I hope I'm wrong. I just want to be able to hold my crying baby girl, I want to be able to feed her, rock her, and love her and hear and see her breathe. That's all I want.

10 Months yet 5 days

It's been 10 months since we said goodbye to Jack. The hardest day I will ever experience. I look at his picture and wish so badly that he was here with us. Wishes don't come true. But then a the same time, it's 5 days till we meet Sam. Or at least hopefully meet Sam. I want time to slow down and go back to 10 months ago but then I want it to speed up the 5 days so I can meet my daughter. What a way to be pulled back and forth.

7

7 days. Can you believe it? I never thought we would even make it this far. Within the next 7 days, we will know if I will give birth to a baby that is alive. We lost Jack at 38 weeks and 3 days. I'm supposed to deliver at 38 weeks on the dot. Please, Jack, watch over your family. As our angel, please be in that OR with us. We want our son there with us.
I still can't believe it's in 7 days. I'm so nervous. :-/