Hate to complain

I am so happy to be pregnant again, minus the fear of course. I feel that we are blessed that we were able to get pregnant naturally and I will be so ecstatic if baby girl actually makes it into our lives. But I am soooooo uncomfortable. I can't breathe well, it's so hot, no position feels good, the heart burn sucks, I hate that I can't do anything. I am not trying to be unappreciative or anything but I am so ready to be over with the pregnancy. Yes I love being pregnant and I would not change anything but I just want to know what will happen and start focusing on the future. I have been pregnant for pretty much 2 years. I just need a break.

Weekly Appointments

As the weekly appointments begin, the fear is really setting in. As the ultrasound tech does her work, if I don't hear her say "everything looks good" right away, I am already assuming something must be wrong. I feel her move, I know she's there, but with how things went, I can only imagine the worst. I can only imagine something will be wrong with the fluid or the placenta or SOMETHING. I'm so scared. SO very scared...

Here she is in 3D...

Damn the fear

As time gets closer, the fear is still getting stronger. I had another dream that I lost baby girl. I woke up this morning and did what I do every morning: in my head, I say: "Samantha, please move for mommy". I wait and I wait and I begin to freak out. I get up to let the dogs out and come back to lay down. If she doesn't move, I will use the heart monitor though I don't want to freak Sean out. Finally, a push.
This fear is great and overwhelming. I have never had this kind of fear before and I do not wish it upon anyone. I know because of what I went through, my disease-like situation will make everyone else fearful. Or at least some people. But no one can know the fear unless they have gone through the heart wrenching pain of losing a child. And again, I hope NO ONE I know goes through it.
2 o'clock can't come soon enough.

Hope and dreams

I hope Samantha makes it. I hope that she will come out screaming so I know she's alive and well. I hope I will be able to hold her and feed her. I hope that we will be able to put her in a car seat in my car. I hope that I can sit next to her as we drive her home. I hope she fills our house with cries and laughter and love. I hope I'll be able to give her my finger for her to hold onto. I hope I'll be able to stroke her baby skin and tell her how much I love her and how long I have been waiting for her. I hope she grows up knowing about her big brother Jack and how loved he is.
I hope these dreams come true.

Life

I watch tears stream down my father's cheeks. I have to watch him sad and I assume in fear. I ask Sean when the good things will happen for us finally. He doesn't know either. Things are so hard. When will it be our turn? What if we lose baby girl too? I just want happiness for us. A happy future. A happy life. A happy family....

Hurts

It really hurts to see his pain and sadness. And all because of someone who is supposed to be the most loving, the most supportive, and the most sympathetic. I don't get how people can be like that. Why can't you show kindness and sympathy? I'm so upset and angry. I never want to see him in this much pain. It hurts so much.

Father's Day

I'm crying. It hurts so badly to see my husband and best friend hurt. It would have been such a special day for him. He would have been so happy to have a son with him today. I try to comfort, I try to tell him he is a father, but the words and touches don't do much to help. I know how he feels. I miss my son too. I wanted to be a mother on mother's day. But I am able to show my tears. I am able to scream the words. People comfort me and tell me that I am a mother. Sean has to be strong and brave. People expect that. But I will forever see him as Jack's father and I hope and pray that he feels it. Sean has been so amazing to me throughout everything. He was there for me in the beginning and he is still there. Every milestone, every month that passes, he makes sure I am ok. I can only hope I can repay the favor today (or any other day).

A slight vent

Please don't assume that we are over the grieving process. It hasn't been a year yet and all the first milestones are still being thrown our way. Don't think that just because we are expecting a little girl that everything is better. That makes even more emotional. We don't know if everything will be ok. We don't know if Jack thinks we are replacing him.If we have 10 more children, the pain of the loss of Jack will always be there. My husband, no matter how tough of a guy he may seem, has feelings too. He is hurting. He cries and misses his son just as much as I do. He deserves sympathy too. Please respect our feelings and emotions. Everyone grieves differently. And please let us take however much time we need.

The fear

As time gets closer, instead of feeling relief, I'm feeling fear and nerves. 8 weeks to go. I'm a nervous wreck. At this time, while I was pregnant with Jack, I was so naive. I was in the dark thinking everything was going to be ok and that I would be meeting my son soon. Instead, I entered my living hell. What if it happens again? Will I make it through? How will I live with myself if I lose another baby? I am literally scared for my daughter's life. I feel so connected to her as she is inside of me, but I still can not imagine having a live baby taken out of me. I know I will be monitored more closely, I know they are taking her out early, I know I should hope for the best. But can you honestly tell me that you can blame for being scared out of my mind? I don't know what I will do if I lose my baby girl.

Here she is at 30 weeks

Registered

I went to the hospital today to register for my delivery. I was in the area, it needed to get done. One less thing to worry about. As I sat and waited in the admitting area for the paperwork, I looked over to the chairs where I sat when I looked over Jack's autopsy. I cringed. After getting everything done, I walked to the elevator to get back to my car. I look to my right and see where I walked from my doctor's office to the hospital after finding out the dreaded news. I quickly looked away and hopped on the elevator shaking off the sadness. My memories are so sad. I only can hope good ones will come in August.

Babies

As I babysit and hold a baby boy, the only thought that comes to my mind is why I can't be holding Jack. I wish so badly that I could hold him and smell him and touch him and give him kisses. I want to be able to hear him cry and see him smile. I am doing ok with the babysitting. But it's just hard knowing that I should have my baby boy with me. He should be the baby I am holding and loving. He should be the baby I am picking up when he starts crying. It's just so sad that I can't have my son with me. I just hope my daughter makes it.

Parents

My father is not doing well. I think he's on the decline slowly, yet surely. Looking at his weakness, his frailty, his stubbornness just brings me down. I am pushed to go over there everyday. My anxiety can barely handle the situations. I wish my mother was "there" to be the strong one, to be the one that is in control, to be the one to comfort all of us. Instead, she is oblivious. I wish Jack was here. Maybe for selfish reasons, but he would bring me comfort and joy while dealing with the situation. He would be my escape. Tables have turned. I hate seeing certain things. I hate dealing with certain things. But it's the least we can do for our parents, right?

Location, location, location

I'm at my regular visit to my OB. I love him and I would not switch practices for the world. But I hate how they switch floors every so often. And here I on the third floor. The floor where I found out about Jack. I wasn't in the same exam room, thank God. But looking at that ultrasound room makes me cringe.

Time

9 weeks to go. I can't believe it. Not only is time passing so fast without Jack, but time towards knowing if I will meet Samantha is getting closer and closer. I still wish it was sooner so I could know if I will be able to hold my daughter alive. Soon I'll be monitored weekly. I guess that gives me some sort of comfort. Plus she moves for me and I keep track of that. But I still won't know nor will I feel safe when she is crying in my arms. Then the paranoia at home will set in. It's never ending.

8 month angelversary

8 months. Ouch. I can't believe the time has gone by. It seems like yesterday I was pregnant with Jack and I learned the news that he was gone forever. The question why remains embedded in my brain. The tears never stop flowing. The pain in my heart does not cease. 8 months of pure torture. I can only imagine what kind of boy little Jack Jack would be like today. What his development would be like. I wish I could be watching him grow instead of mourning his death. I love him more than anyone could imagine. I love him even though I held him for a moment and never got to see his eyes open. I love him and I will always love him. That is one thing that will never change.

Here comes another one

Another month will pass tomorrow. 8 months. 8 freaking months. I can not believe it has been that long. We should be watching Jack learn to hold himself up, maybe start to crawl, and explore new things. Instead I am mourning my dead son for yet another month. It hurts. It hurts so much. I just can't believe how time has passed and it hasn't gotten any easier. Yes days go by and I don't cry or it's easier to laugh but the pain is still so fresh and it just won't go away. I should have an 8 month old son.