One of those days

Thinking of Jack a lot today. No particular reason why. Just missing him and wishing he was here. I hate that he's not here for me to hold. I hate that I can't rock him to sleep. I hate that I can't dress him. I hate that I can't watch him sleep. I hate that I can't bathe him.
I can go on and on. There are so many things I want to do with and for Jack and none of them will ever happen. I miss him!!!!!!!!!

First night alone

First night alone and I must say its not very successful so far... Sleep is hard. All I hear is silence. All I think about is how alone I feel and how I should have an almost 4 month old to cuddle with while daddy is gone. I tell Sean goodnight and tell him to have fun. I hear his guilt for leaving. It's ok. The world must go on. It's just so different now. I'm not the same person. I am so much more fragile.
Let's try to get some sleep....

An addition

My first night without Sean since we lost Jack. He just left...hesitantly. I pushed him to go. But can I handle it? He has become my rock I can't live without. But I let him go. Now to go to sleep and await a new day. Without Jack.

Goodnight Jack day 115

Goodnight, sweet prince. I think of you often and whisper your name throughout the day. Do you hear me when I talk to you? I hope so. I hope you know that if a little brother or sister ever come in this room, it will always be your room too. I love and miss you so much. Forever. And ever.

Kindergarten

Today I'm subbing for a kindergarten class. They're a really good group and I really like spending time with them. As I watch them do their work and as they give me hugs, I get emotional. Not even really sad, just emotional. I just feel like I really want a little kid to love and hold and spend time with. I actually even got teary eyed as I watched them doing their Chinese (yes Chinese) lesson. I just wish that Jack was around. But I guess what I'm feeling is a really strong desire to be a mother. I know I am. I'll always be Jack's mother but I want a child physically here with me that I can raise and hold.

Not how it is supposed to be

It's my birthday. And I'm just sad. People say he will always be with me and part of me, but it's not the same. I want him physically here with me. Every celebration, every occasion, every holiday, I will be missing Jack. I'm dreading mothers day. I didn't realize my birthday would be this hard though. I guess it's everyday but the special days bring it out more. I miss him so much.

Birthday

Not only do I know not like the word, but the only thing I want for my birthday this year, is Jack. I wish so badly that he was here to celebrate with us. It's just not fair. We have to spend every celebration from now on without him.
My birthday wish? Nothing. I don't believe in wishes anymore....

My only desire

The only thing I want is for you to be in my arms, Jack. I wish wishes came true. I wish dreams became reality. Instead I have to live the rest of my life without you; wondering what kind of person you would become.
I miss you, Jack. And I will love you forever and always.

The moments

There are so many little moments when I think extra hard about Jack. The times I see women pulling their strollers from their trunks before entering the store. The times I see families at the park. The times I see people walking with their babies. The times I see babies in a woman's shopping cart at the grocery store. The times I pass the baby aisle at the store. All these moments and so many more, I think of how it would be if Jack was here with me. I still can't believe that my son died. That I lived through that nightmare. That I am STILL living in this nightmare.
I want my Jack.

Goodnight, Jack. Day 102

Goodnight, my sweet prince.
I miss you as much as I did the day you were gone. I wonder what you would be like today. What developments would you be going through? What pajamas would you be wearing on a cold night like tonight? Would you enjoy getting a bath? Would the dogs like you? What would be the food that you would eat first? If only I could know this firsthand instead of wondering it. But know, my sweet Jack, I will wonder it for the rest of my life. I love you, my son.

100 days

100 days ago I stroked your face and cried because you were not alive.
100 days ago I looked at your face and saw the most beautiful baby in the world.
100 days ago I experienced a loss that would change my life forever.
100 days ago, a piece of me died.
100 days ago, I lost my son.
100 days ago is a day I will never forget.

Jack, even after 100 days, you are truly missed. I love you forever and always.

Missing you

Jack, I think you of you constantly. There are times when I wish so hard that you were here with me that it literally hurts me. I shut my eyes tightly and wish, wish, wish that everything was a bad dream and you are actually with me. I can't stop that. I won't ever stop wishing you were here. No matter what. No matter how much time passes, no matter how many good times we have, no matter how many children we have. I love you forever and ever.

Sadness

Tears are streaming down my face. I was on my board today and this poor, poor lady had such a terrible experience. She is on the same board because she was pregnant with triplets, lost one, and then lost the twins at 23 weeks. She had a son in October (around the same time Jack was due). I remember seeing the picture she posted of her son because he was wearing the same pumpkin hat I wanted to put Jack in. Well tonight, I saw the sad news that her 3 month old son died in day care. I'm so heartbroken for her! Words can't express how I feel for her. I could not imagine what she is going through. It makes me so scared for the future. It makes me so nervous. Why does this happen??????!!!

Shower

I found the tag that was used for my baby shower party favors. "Krysia's Baby Shower 8/27/11". I looked forward to that day for years. I enjoyed myself so much. Finally a day to celebrate MY pregnancy. I got what I needed. I got to prepare for Jack. I got to celebrate Jack. And now... Nothing. I say screw baby showers. If I could change, I'd do coming out parties. Celebrate the healthy baby's arrival instead of jinxing a pregnancy.
Sorry. I'm bitter.

Today

Sean and I went to the neighborhood chili cook off today. Sean usually enters but he didn't this year due to his flu. Doing things in the neighborhood is something I always pictured with Jack. I would have loved to have him there with me. Then it is even harder when the friend's of ours show up with their baby who was due same time Jack was. Seeing him killed me. Jack was supposed to be that age. Jack was supposed to be in a stroller with me. It's just so hurtful and unfair. I just had to do everything I could not to cry. Though I took a moment to shed some tears in Sean's shoulder.
I wish Jack was here.....

Starbucks

I go to a Starbucks near my house somewhat regularly. I went there a lot while I was pregnant with Jack. I didn't talk much to the people that work there but I assume they noticed my pregnancy etc. A couple of weeks ago I went there and one girl noticed how I "had my baby". I just smiled and kind of blew her off. Then I went there the other day and one of the other women said to me "oh you had your baby!" I couldn't really avoid her because she was standing right next to me. So I said "no I lost my baby". She was confused so I had to say the dreaded words: "he was stillborn". Tears welled up in my eyes. She gave me the uncomfortable "I'm so sorry" and walked away.
I hate that this has become my life.

Support

My cousin Ania came to visit me. She came because she felt I needed her. She was right. She said she is sorry she didn't come sooner. I told her that's ok. The fact that she came at all means a lot to me. I'm touched that I have such an amazing support system. No matter how far my family lives, they supported me through this tragic time.

3 months

It's been 3 months since we lost our baby Jack. I can't believe time is going by so fast. I would have a 3 month old son with me right now. What I would give to see him just one more time. 3 months ago today was the worst day of my life. 3 months ago today is a day I will never forget. 3 months ago today is a day that changed my life andy outlook on life. 3 months ago today I held an angel.
Jack, I miss you so much. I wish you were here so I could hold you and show you how much your parents love you. As time passes, the tears may not be as often but know that I miss you and grieve your loss everyday and the strength of the grief has not changed.
I love you, my son.

Goodnight Jack. Day 89.

It's a new year. It's full of opportunities, possibilities, and hope. Jack, please know that even though the new year has arrived, you are not left behind. Your father and I have not moved on. You are always on our minds and constantly in our hearts. We will love you forever and ever. I am hoping for a brother or sister for you, but know that he or she would never, ever replace you. We will always have you as our first son that we will always love.
Goodnight, sweet prince. Happy new year. Know that each year, each month, each week, and each day passes, I am ALWAYS thinking of you and loving you.

The new year

New year's weekend was quite hard. I could not stop crying all weekend. I had to take moments alone a numerous amount of times. It was just hard to know that we are starting a new year without Jack. It was hard to watch everyone have so much fun when I am so unhappy. I wanted to join in on the laughter and the care free fun times. But instead my mind kept going back to Jack and how much I wished he was with us.
Today, January 1, 2012 we spread some of Jack's ashes into Rocky Lake. He will rest there and be where we love to go. Here's what I wrote and what was read before Sean and I spread his ashes into the lake:
Jack

Jack, we miss you. You were so wanted and so loved. We will wonder why you were taken from us everyday for the rest of our lives. Our hearts are heavy and our arms are empty. We wish we were beginning the new year with you.
We pictured you here with us so many times. Your father wanted to teach you so many things here and your mother wanted to share so many memories with you here. You will always be missing in our pictures.
Rest in peace in the place that brought your parents together and that brought them so much joy. We love you and you are our first son forever in our hearts.