Travel

I am leaving for NYC today. Yes I'm looking forward to it because it will be getaway and I haven't been there in a while. But I can't help but wish Jack was with me so that I could take him. Or if he was with me, would I even be going? I watched the episode of 19 kids and counting that has the loss of the baby at about 18 weeks. Feelings came rushing back. I will always remember that day, I think about it everyday. But watching that episode made me remember even more. Why did I watch, you ask? Because it is a little comforting to see other people go through what I did. I just hope I don't go through it again.

I miss you, Jack. I love you, Jack. And I wish you were here, EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Some developments

I went to my OB today. Got to hear my baby girl's strong heart beat. The doctor changed my due date to August 22nd which I knew was going to happen because I ovulated late. So he told me to schedule a C-section around the 8th of August. So Sean and I decided on 8/10/12. It's just a matter of scheduling. I can't believe it's actually happening.

Church

We went to a mass today at Sean's parents' church which was intended for "Baby Jack and family". As soon as that was said, the tears flowed. And all around us were nice, happy families and A LOT of little boys. It was nice to have a mass for Jack and it was nice to be there since Sean and I did not go to the other masses that my family did and the "funeral". But I know after how I reacted to day (over 5 months later), I would have been a mess at the other services for Jack.

As I watched the people go up to communion, there was a mother holding a little girl's hand and her big brother walked beside them. My only thought: "that should be Jack with his little sister". Then I saw a man holding a little blonde boy who could not have been more than 2. My eyes welled up with tears again. It was hard but nice at the same time.

I miss him so much.

A step?

So I went to a few stores today and got some girls' clothes. I don't know if this means I am making progress. It's actually more because I have NOTHING girly. So I figured little by little, I would look at clearance sections and whatever is for sale and start collecting stuff for my little girl. I have some neutral stuff but I figure she deserves some stuff for a girl. I do love her. I do want her. I am just so scared...

To the people who are there...

Thank you to the people who have been there for me.
Thank you to the people who are STILL there for me.
Thank you to the people who really try to understand and get what I am going through.

Got this from A.... (thank you)

SOMEBODY
Somebody said
it was all for the best,
that something was probably wrong.
Somebody said,
it was meant to be.
Different verse,
same miserable song.
Somebody said,
"You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.
Somebody said,
"It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.
Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors.
Somebody isn't a friend.
But somebody said, "I'm sorry."
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand when I cried.
And somebody always listened 
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never be the same.

Boy things

Since I found out I am having a girl, it's hard for me to look at boy clothes, boy toys, etc. I feel like if I was having a boy, it wouldn't be hard because it would be stuff I could use for my future boy. But now, when I see those things, all I will think about is Jack. I went through the baby room and put away everything that was FOR Jack into boxes and it's in the closet. I gave all the clothes back to Jen and it is kind of a relief. It'll just be hard for me to be around little boys, boy's things, etc. Things like that will always, always remind me of my Jack Jack and I miss him so.

Wellllll....

It's a girl. I felt it. I knew it. So I expected it. But there was that glimmer of hope for a little boy. I wanted Sean and I to have our little boy. That opportunity was stolen from us. I am happy of course and will be happy as long as my baby is healthy and alive and happy. But it's hard. Sean says he's ok and he already has ideas to add to the room. But I know it hurts him because he wanted the son to teach how to do things and spend time with. But I know he will love his little daughter and she will be his girl.

I had a little talk with Jack this morning before leaving for the doctor. I told him that no matter what the baby is, he will never, ever be replaced and he will always be our first son. I wish he was here so badly....

So far everything looks good with baby girl. I will be going in every 4 weeks. Can't wait to see her again. Hope time goes by fast. It's hard not to fall in love....

Here's my baby girl at 18 weeks: