And another hospital visit

So I am in the hospital due to back surgery. I really can't catch a break. I can't believe that my back issues have led me to actually get surgery. A surgery I never wanted nor expected to get. But the doctor said it was necessary. That I am way past physical therapy and cortisone shots. I had an extremely big herniated disc. The doctor and his assistant were both surprised that I wasn't cringing in pain just laying in the bed.
Well, so I went in for surgery yesterday. I was alone in the pre-op room just waiting for my turn. I had to wait about an hour. And I must admit, I was quite scared. I'm not one to scare easily. I have faith in our doctors and nurses. I have faith that I was getting the best treatment. But then there is that thought "what if?". I mean, I had a healthy, beautiful baby boy that was taken from me for absolutely no reason, so how do I know if I would make it through a routine procedure? I have a lot more anxiety since I lost Jack. So during most of the time in pre-op, I had tears running down my face. All I could do was hope that I would make it back to Samantha and Sean safe and sound. And I did. I am in pain, I have a numb foot that I can barely move, I am scared sh*tless that I will never walk normal again because of the foot, but I am here. I am able to see my daughter again. And I miss her! I haven't seen her since yesterday afternoon and it's KILLING me. Hopefully I will be going home today.

Please keep positive thoughts heading my way that I will recover.

One Year

It's been one year since we said good bye to my father. My amazing, sweet father. My father who I miss more than I ever thought I would. My father was one of the most amazing people in the world. He was kind. He was gentle. Anyone who met him thought so and anyone who met him is lucky. I wish I did not take him for granted. I wish that I spent more time with him. I wish that I could take away some of the feelings I felt like the annoyance or the frustration. I wish that I could have at least spent one more day with him.

Now that I have Samantha and she has become the person she is today, I miss my father even more. I wish he could see her walk and hear her talk. I wish he could see her personality. I could ONLY imagine how in love with her he would be. I would give anything to watch him with her at this stage in her life.

I really hope that heaven is real. I really hope that Papa is with Jack and watching over us. It's been one year and I still can not believe that he is gone. Tears fill my eyes as I think of how much I miss my father. I love you, Papo.

Hi ho, hi ho..... it's back to work I go!

Well, after a year of being pretty much a stay at home mom, I have officially been hired to be a full time kindergarten teacher. When I found out from the principal, I cried tears of joy. And shock! Thanks to my darling friend, Jen, this is actually happening. I am beginning a new journey. Entries on my blog will now include my experiences as a teacher. A teacher! I can't believe I can finally say that without the word "substitute" in front of it. I'm excited, I'm nervous, and I'm already broke. I've spent so much money getting stuff for my classroom! LOL.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend a year at home with Samantha. I know many people don't or can't do that. It pains me that I have to leave her behind throughout the day. It pains me that she and I won't be able to spend every second together or even as much time as recently. But mommy is setting a great example. She's working! And now I continue to be grateful that my hours won't be too late, I will have holidays and summers off, and I will be able to have the same schedule as Samantha when she is eventually in school.

Well, wish me luck... I hope that my teaching journey (which should begin on Monday) is nice and smooth and as fulfilling as I expect it to be. I'm sure it will be!

Birthday cards

 

And Publix sent Jack his 2 year old birthday card today. People ask if they want them to contact them so they stop sending them to me. Yes it hurts, yes it stings, and yes it brings a tear to my eye. However, I don't want them to stop coming. Jack should still get the happy birthdays even if it is just from a supermarket. I just can't believe his 2 year birthday in heaven is so soon. But I am looking forward to celebrating my baby boy....

Toot! Toot!

Can I just toot my own horn? Just this once? My blog is usually about sad things or negative things, but I would like to say something positive... I have been through two back to back pregnancies that have done a NUMBER on my body. I have been in a long depression that has not only taken a toll on my mind and heart, but also affected my body. In January of this year, I knew something had to be done. The pain and suffering I feel because of Jack is enough for me to deal with and I knew that is something I could not change. However, being unhappy with the way I looked was something that I could change. Sure the depression was a struggle and didn't help me overcome any of my battles. But I needed to be happier with myself so I went to Jenny Craig and I eventually started to work out. Since January of 2013, I have lost 38 pounds. That's almost 40 pounds! Yes I have a lot more work to go. The damn baby belly is the hardest part to get rid of especially after a C-section (don't get me started on that again...), and I would love to lose at least another 20 pounds. But I am proud of myself. I am happy to say that I did lose that much weight. I definitely feel better about myself and that makes at least that part of my life more positive. I am motivated to keep going! 20 more pounds to go and then I will at least be a lot more confident in myself.

Not something I wanted to share

A moment that I have dreaded happening has happened. A dear friend of mine has suffered a miscarriage. Hearing her story brought back a lot of memories back to the surface and of course a lot of emotions. But when it comes down to it, I want her to know that she is not alone in this. She admitted to having her hopes high, she admitted to picking a name, and she had already told everyone that she was expecting a baby to be due in April. One in four women suffer a pregnancy loss, so I guess it's bound to happen that one of my girlfriends would share in such a tragedy with me. But I never, ever, ever wish it upon them. If I could take away her pain and raw emotion and just blend it with mine that already exists, I would. If I could make her realize that one day, she will be ok again, I would. Right away, I told her that her peanut will be in heaven with Jack. Her little angel will join mine. I wish I didn't have to say those words to anyone (EVER) but I hope that at least that will give some sort of hope that our angel babies (just like the ones that are here with us) will be playing together.
I wish I could ask God, or any other higher beings, to not let any other friends or family of mine to suffer the pain. It's not fair, it sucks, and it should not happen. I am back to being bitter about life. This shouldn't happen to the people we love.